Needing some strength right now...

[lightningtree]

I don't really know if it's okay to make own post this way or not, so if not, I hope someone will be kind enough to tell me the right way/place to share this... .

I'm in a really bad place at the moment.

I don't know how I'm supposed to convey this storm of feelings in such small, organized letters on a computer screen. I think no matter how eloquent I try to be I won't ever come close to writing how this feels... .

But I guess that's why we're all here.

I don't know, I mean. I really strongly want to make this work. I know what it's like to live with someone who has mental issues. Or at least I thought I did. I guess nothing ever really prepares you for this kind of pain. That's part of the problem, isn't it? None of us really know how to deal with it. I don't know.

Today was supposed to be good. They do say that what hurts the worst is your own expectations. Today was supposed to be good. Therapy has been promising so far. It hasn't been much, only a few meetings. But he's known and articulated his own issues himself for a while now. He's not happy with how this goes anymore than I am. He had a therapy appt today and  it should have been good. oh my god, I'm just so-----

It should have been good, we've been in a good place and he was seriously working hard at the techniques the therapist set out for him and then---

He came home and I almost had dinner finished and he didn't want to talk about it and I let him have his space 'cause I get it, the overwhelmed-ness, where he was, and he was like, let me work on X project and then we'll talk about therapy stuff over dinner. There were specific rules his therapist had laid out for the both of us that we needed to go over together. So I was like, Yeah babe, no problem. And I finished dinner and we waited to eat until he was done with his project. I read a book while we waited. Don't push. Let the train wreck happen.

Yeah.

The train wreck happened. I didn't disagree with anything he said, I validated him, I thought I was doing okay. My questions were for clarification of what the therapist wanted me to do/not do, specifically.

And it blew up. Of course it did. Of course it did.

And he locked himself away in his office, and destroyed half of it--some very expensive tech--and now he's sleeping like a baby and I'm left here sitting in emotions I don't know how to handle and wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do.

Just looking for a little strength, I guess, since I'm all out at the moment. I guess I'm sleeping in my chair tonight.

I just hope someone on here has some encouraging words. I need a hug. I don't really have anyone in my real life right now that can help me and I am in a very bad place and I just need some support so desperately right now... .

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[waverider]

 

It is a hard road, it is also a long one.

What are you supposed to do now is to do what ever makes you feel safe and less stressed. You are not here to fix him, only support him. That may not always be enough for him, as in reality he wants someone else to fix it for him. That will be one of the lessons he will have to learn.

Starting therapy unfortunately does unleash the demons, as their previous safety net of denial is taken away. He will be vulnerable with a lot of responsibility to manage himself. This will cause strain and cracks. Therapy first means they have to face and acknowledge the demons, but they have not yet fully mastered the skills to control them.

Make sure you stick to your boundaries and protect yourself, even if it means time away. This will be a rocky road but at least it has a purpose.

It will get better, and also at times worse, that is just the way it is for now.

Remember not many would be there for him, that makes you a worthy person by itself

[Olinda]

 

So sorry that it went that way.

I so hear you. It is supposed to get better, right?

I know that the road will get bumpier before it is mostly smooth and yes, we have a right to expectations of peace in our lives, g&**^ it. 

Sending you light and strength.

[an0ught]

Hi lightningtree,

there is not much you could have done. He was a bomb waiting to go off  .

A learning may be from this that therapy is distressing and it may be best to let things settle for a day before discussing what to change? Could you agree on such rules, sort of boundaries for both parties?

[Mono No Aware]

Sending you warm fuzzies, calm breaths, beams of sunlight, and powerful bolts of inner strength because you are not alone.

Hang in there!

FYI it is awesome that you got your pwBPD into therapy at all... . mine refuses to discuss it. You are ahead of a lot of us on this journey!

[lightningtree]

Thank you, everyone. The support I'm getting from this forum is my anchor right now. It helps me center myself for me and helps me stay calm when he's raging and screaming. There's a limit to how long I can be strong in the face of that, and when it gets bad I repeat to myself the things you guys say and just hold on to that support. And it makes the difference.

Thank you -- such poor words to express the depth of gratitude and relief I feel to not be alone in this.

an0ought -- I could tell he was in a weird (overwhelmed I think) place when he got home, but he insisted on going over the notes. He gets this way sometimes, where he pushes himself into the bad place. I never know how to handle that. When I get the chance to broach the subject, I'm definitely taking your advice... . We'll see if we can come up with a method to make the post-therapy conversations easier, when they're needed.

The shallow parts of our relationship -- the friends/roommates aspect of our marriage -- has gotten easier in a lot of ways since he started therapy. But the partners/intimate connection deeper aspects have gotten much worse. And he's gotten much worse towards himself as well, as far as the self-hatred and triggering himself/pushing himself... . I don't really know what the label for it is. But it's bad.

Things got better after that fight the other day, but we've been fighting to one degree or another nearly every day for about a week now. This is new. His cycle used to be one bad fight a week, usually on friday or saturday, and then it was gradually uphill from that until it was time for him to dysregulate again. Since therapy, he's been much more... . fragile. Much more unstable and more easily trigger. More likely to trigger himself, which was typically not the case in the past.

I hadn't realized therapy would make things worse this way, but it makes sense, waverider, the way you laid it out.

I wish I'd known that going in, or that his therapist would give me clearer direction on how to support him from my end! I've just been doing what I know works and trying my hardest to live by the techniques laid out in the lessons and workshops here on the forum.