has a borderline caused your life to tank?

[truthbeknown]

I was married to a woman who has uBPD.   It's been 5 years since she asked me for a divorce and three years since we have been officially divorced.   I was so emeshed with her and looking back now I realize how i gave up my power in this relationship.  To be fair, anyone who has been in a relationship with a BPD person knows about the "double-binds" and how they can cause havoc on ones life.  However, I look back now and i'm sad and sometimes discombabled that I didn't see this coming.   I guess i am being hard on myself but my life is in chaos right now.  I have lost a career, can't find work because i'm overqualified or not enough specific experience in a certain field.  Before the end of december, I was working, finally got a place to live that i was proud of and things were looking up.  I was seeing my kids half time and although i was still burdened financially, I felt i was staying above water.  Then at the end of Dec. our contract was pulled away from the company i worked for.  It was a bad time of year to find a job.  To make matters worse, I started gettting sick and i thought it was just the stress.

Instead, there was a mold problem in the home i was renting and I had to negotiate breaking the lease to get out of there.  Since then, i have been living at my friends apartment studio and sleeping on an air mattress.  It took me 6 weeks just to recover my health to the point where i could work again.  I'm 5 hours away from children now so i don't see them every week.

"how did my life get so off track?", I ask myself.   I went from being a good father and a faithful husband to a man that my ex-wife has portrayed as "the bad guy" to my kids and her family( she asked me for the divorce but then lied and told everyone that I wanted it and really played the victim role up big).  My daughter is getting married this weekend and she doesn't want to have anything to do with me.  I'm going to the wedding but it's more of a formality.  I feel so used by my ex.  I can't seem to escape the distortions she created about me because now my life is so screwed up that it looks like i'm a deadbeat kind've guy to people.  I can't believe i was once a doctor and now i'm knocking on doors as a salesguy just to pay basic bills.  I'm 48 years old and I had to borrow money to get back to the state where my daughter is getting married. 

I have good friends and I do take time to find things to appreciate but I have to say I feel like I was in an accident of sorts that I'm still recovering from. 

anyone else felt like being with a borderline ex has created so much personal chaos?.

[woodsposse]

 

Yes.  Well... . to a point.

Yes the r/s can cause chaos and the distortions are not a great thing to live with.  The financial upheaval and change of circumstance sucks - and the separation from the children is the worse.

Been there, done that.

But here is where I suggest that this can only happen up to a point.   There has to come a point where you realize you are now in control of your life instead of life (or the psBPD) is in control.

Yes the economy sucks - and yes you may be over qualified for some stuff... . and every iteration of things which prevent folks from landing a job and getting back on your feet.  Unfortunately, those things can happen wheter you are in a r/s with a disordered person or not.

Don't get me wrong, the effects of a breakup from a disordered person can be devastating.  But, you are not destroyed. 

What has helped for me is when I did a diagnostic on everything I saw in front of me.  It started with understranding what the r/s was, and in this case, being with someone disordered.  Then I could at least understand what I had been dealing with (much like when you thought you were under the weather due to stress... . but found out about the mold issue).

Then I had to ask myself why did I "allow" myself to stay in such a r/s... . and that took me back to childhood trauma.  Then that made a lot of sense for me, not just in my r/s with my (soon to be) ex wife, but pretty much my entire life.  Then I could understand how it happened and what my needs actually were and try to do things to be at peace with me and (of course) detatch fully from my disordered person (or persons in my life with the same traits).

so I feel great.

However, once I did all that... . I realized - nothing in my day-to-day world has changed.  The economy still sucks.  I'm still trying to get back on my feet.  I'm still trying to land that better job... . so forth and so on.  But, I'm feeling great and can take the rest of what I need to do going forward in life one day at a time.

I'm no (or no longer am) anyone's victim.

These things worked and helped me.  Hopefully you can gleen some insight which may help you as well.  I know it is overwhelming... . but, trust me... . it does get better.  It can get better.  Mostly because it was never meant to be like this (we, collectively are not meant to live like this).

[Lucky Jim]

Hey truthbeknown, Sure, I almost destroyed myself emotionally, physically and financially in a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD, from whom I was formally divorced a year ago.  It's hard, no doubt, to bounce back and I still have a long way to go before getting back on my feet.  Nevertheless, I will take this path any day over the chaos, turbulence and abuse of a BPD r/s.  I'm grateful to be on this journey.  Perhaps if you start from a place of gratitude, you might see your path in a different light, too.  I'm confident that you'll bounce back, yet I know it's frustrating because it's a slow process.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[Pecator]

Hey T,

I too am 48. My r/s lasted only 2.5 years. But took me from being the top of my field to unemployable and sleeping on a couch. I was unemployed for over a year because I stayed in this country to be with my ex. I had to get visas and work permits. It was all coming together for our targeted date of Jan. 1. In mid-December she started talking about a fear that she was just my lifeboat and I would leave her once I got ashore. We had a fabulous holiday with so much socializing. To this day she will say it was the best holiday ever. At night however, I noticed she was beginning to split. I began to look for my own place as planned on Jan 2. Jan. 5 she went n/c. Jan. 8 she chased down the poor fella she used during one of our recycles.

I have a graduate degree from Berkeley. I am now begging for a position somewhat related to my field that has only enough work to generate $500/mth. Good thing I spent all day yesterday mowing lawns to get the gas money to get to that job.

My ex is taking my replacement out this Thursday to meet our old circle of friends at the place where we used to love to go to dance. She must feel it is safe to go there because she knows I have no money or friends left, so we definitely would not run into each other.

Just this morning I woke up thinking the worst thoughts. I can't live like this anymore. I am going to have to give up on the country I spend $50,000 to stay in. I will probably have to go home. I left there untouchable on top of my game. I will go back feeling like such a failure. I will even have to borrow gas money to leave this country.

It must get better. Keep post Truthb, I would love to know how you are.

[truthbeknown]

Thanks for the comments. 

Woods:  I was told by a therapist that the splitting that occurs for a BPD person can and often is projected out onto those that they are around.   I think if there wasn't children involved I would be okay with be out of the relationship and starting over. However, because of the children, i don't feel I'll be out of her grasp for some time.  She uses them as pawns and the worst part is that the perception she has created of me to them almost seems real!  I mean I am living in another state and can't afford to pay cs, have my own place where i can see the kids etc.  So that is what is affecting my confidence and self esteem.   I generally feel good about my characteristics as a person.  In other words, i feel that i am a good person.  However, I'm a little hard on myself because i didn't see it coming.  It reminds me of an old movie called, The Natural, with Robert Redford.  In that movie, his character was a baseball player who couldn't been the best there ever was if he hadn't been shot by a woman he met as he was embarking on his career.  The parallels of that story line may represent what many of us go through when we encounter a disordered person. 

However, you are right, now that I know it happened and what it is I  just need to get past that and write a new story.  Describing my feelings to others who have been through similar situations helps me process my grief, dispair and emotions about my situation.  Thanks for sharing the points that you made.

Jim: I am greatful that I still get to see my kids. I am greatful that I am still fairly healthy. I am greatful for good friends and for the comraderiship of this forum.  Recently, i think i just needed to vent some of my emotions so that i don't keep them bottled up.

Pecator:  It is hard to be an educated person and go through what we are going through.  I managed to get a door-door sales job before i returned back to state where my daughter was married last weekend.   The wedding was causing me distress because my daughter had chosen her mother's side and has been poisoned against me.   She did not let me help or discuss wedding plans and then she told me a four weeks before the wedding that i wasn't supportive of the family and i needed to get my act together!  This came as a text message ten minutes after her mom sent me a nasty text message.  However, at the wedding reception we had a daddy daughter dance and we both cried.  I said some nice things to her about how i will always love her and will be right here if she ever needs me.   I also reminisced on the good times I had as a father raising her.   Where still not friends yet but at least i have that memory.

I hope that you get back on your feet too! Hang in there!

[pilgrim]

I'm in a similar situation, 54 and almost 5 years out of a 15 year marriage to uBPDxw, most of that time together 24/7 (worked at home).  I think I've been dealing with PTSD and need to get that treated.  Unemployed and stuck, it seems.  I was a university lecturer.  Haven't kissed a woman and can't trust anyone.  Isolated more than ever.

But starting on the road to healing, and like others I now see this is more about me and my FOO and why I stayed.  Just want to encourage you to don't give up, this is a phase we go through.  Good luck.

[truthbeknown]

Pilgrim,

thanks for your comments.   The hardest thing is that after being cast away by a BPD person and then being stepped on by them, it takes a toll on the self esteem.  The lack of respect that they project onto their targets is amazing.   Ironically, i seem to be stuck in that rut because these jobs i am working are run by lower consciousness bosses that don't respect the level of education, and intelligence that i have.  They treat me similarly to my exBPD wife.   Seems i can't escape those clutches right now.   However, i am staying hopeful that the tide can turn. 

Because of lack of work and hardship I don't see myself being in a relationship either.  I could go back to the girlfriend i had after my divorce but she had similar traits to the ex.  The only difference is that she stalks me and is obsessed with me.  Some days my mind says, "better than nothing" but then i quickly recant: Nothing is better

[charred]

Absolutely not... .

My decision more than once to date my borderline... . led to it tanking.

Do I blame her... not anymore, my issues were from before when I met her, going back to my FOO and attachment I believe.

When you blame people, you feed your sense of righteous indignation at how the world and those people treated you so badly... and usually that big "righteous indignation" is your blow hard ego at work, and what you don't do when acting that way,  is take responsibility for your role in the issues, and for running your life.

I made poor decisions to deal with people... . by keeping them at a distance, inhibiting my feelings... so they wouldn't be hurt and putting off enjoying today for some future time when everything would be perfect. I didn't deal with my emotions... I ran from them. I am learning it is far better to have them, they have a purpose... they tell you something is wrong and needs to be fixed.

[truthbeknown]

charred:

I've gone the other way too. I've beat myself up for "attracting" women like this into my life.  I can say that I'm not sure how to pick a healthy partner but I'm also working on untying my "nots".

I like being in a relationship but I am also realizing it is okay to be in a relationship with myself.   I'm comfortable with myself but uncomfortable with where i am career wise in my life.  I am working on that.  I understand that it could sound like a victim perspective describing what has happened but for purposes of telling my story I suppose I thought it was necessary.  I get what you are saying though.  I realize I was co-dependant, felt comfortable with dysfunction because of my childhood etc.   I also realize that their deficiencies stimulated my egoic desire to feel needed and that can turn into an addiction.  Lots of lessons and lots of teachers in this game of life.   Sometimes i come on here just to vent my feelings because I know others will understand.  After i put them down and get them out of my head i feel better. 

[Vatz]

Although my experience can't really hold a candle to some of the stories I've read, yes in a way it has.

I was physically active, working out and getting leaner and bigger every month. It really looked like I was finally going to get rid of that weight that has bothered me all those teenage years. I was in school, and doing well. I wrote stories, had friends, sang in a band. I am practically none of those things now. All I have is my working out, but even that is just me trying to recover from a setback. Stress and depression DOES add pounds. All I have is my body and that's the thing I'm trying to get into good shape. It's really the only thing I have any control over. I had a few jobs, but one is seasonal and the other didn't even stick. So yeah.

But like people tell me, I'm still young. I can still beat this depression and move on with my life. I want to start a family someday soon, and give my love and loyalty to those who deserve it. This keeps me going.

[HappyNihilist]

Yes.  Well... . to a point.

Yes the r/s can cause chaos and the distortions are not a great thing to live with.  The financial upheaval and change of circumstance sucks - and the separation from the children is the worse.

Been there, done that.

But here is where I suggest that this can only happen up to a point.   There has to come a point where you realize you are now in control of your life instead of life (or the psBPD) is in control.

Yes the economy sucks - and yes you may be over qualified for some stuff... . and every iteration of things which prevent folks from landing a job and getting back on your feet.  Unfortunately, those things can happen wheter you are in a r/s with a disordered person or not.

Don't get me wrong, the effects of a breakup from a disordered person can be devastating.  But, you are not destroyed. 

What has helped for me is when I did a diagnostic on everything I saw in front of me.  It started with understranding what the r/s was, and in this case, being with someone disordered.  Then I could at least understand what I had been dealing with (much like when you thought you were under the weather due to stress... . but found out about the mold issue).

Then I had to ask myself why did I "allow" myself to stay in such a r/s... . and that took me back to childhood trauma.  Then that made a lot of sense for me, not just in my r/s with my (soon to be) ex wife, but pretty much my entire life.  Then I could understand how it happened and what my needs actually were and try to do things to be at peace with me and (of course) detatch fully from my disordered person (or persons in my life with the same traits).

so I feel great.

However, once I did all that... . I realized - nothing in my day-to-day world has changed.  The economy still sucks.  I'm still trying to get back on my feet.  I'm still trying to land that better job... . so forth and so on.  But, I'm feeling great and can take the rest of what I need to do going forward in life one day at a time.

I'm no (or no longer am) anyone's victim.

These things worked and helped me.  Hopefully you can gleen some insight which may help you as well.  I know it is overwhelming... . but, trust me... . it does get better.  It can get better.  Mostly because it was never meant to be like this (we, collectively are not meant to live like this).

   

I'm sort of tanking my own life after my experience. In a way. I'm certainly making a lot of changes that might seem crazy to some outsiders. Most outsiders probably. I don't even care. It makes sense for me.

My r/s with my exBPDbf helped get me to a place I always needed/wanted to be. It was hard, it still is hard, and it will always be hard. But I'm in a beautiful place now with myself. That's pretty d@mn far from the destruction of my life.

[Sunny Side]

These disordered relationships can be strange accelerants, tbk, not so much that they create chaos but rather expose that lying in us which we may have thought was inert.  In my case the disordered relationship didn't cause my life to tank as much as it illuminated the fact that I was in a weakened state where I was not taking proper care of my own life, my goals, my boundaries, my needs.  And being in a weakened state with a disordered person is like offering yourself up as chum to a shark.  In this sense I was not a victim but a wrong way volunteer and the personal chaos was my own.

I'm very sorry for what you went through with your uBPD ex-wife and the losses you've had to endure with your job and daughter and I hope you're finding ways to instill some belief back in yourself.   But you're here now   and as the name of this board suggests, "Take inventory". And when we do we'll be surprised to find what old, inert wounds are lying on the shelf.

[peacebaby]

Five months out of a 12 year relationship with a person with BPD, taking responsibility for my life is one of my biggest challenges. Of course, it always was. I became aware years ago that I dealt with what life threw at me and survived it, whereas the point is realizing it's my life to live, I'm in control, and I need to make the decisions and the moves forward.

Everything that happened with my partner I allowed. I allowed my life to tank in order to try to save her. I tanked it more to get out of the relationship, to make her leave, to get my life back again.

It's hard not to feel like a victim sometimes, but it's impossible to be happy if you feel that way. So I'm trying real hard not to do that.