xSIL Stayed with my girls while I was gone . . . now have a "situation."

[FreedomReigns]

At first I was going to have my D20 come and stay with her sisters while I went to Seattle for an event last week (I was gone Thursday-Monday). But D20 had an incredible volunteer opportunity through her college that she could not pass up. I had no choice but to ask xSIL and xFIL to come stay with my other three Ds, ages 15, 14, and 12. I laid out the ground rules from the beginning and told her that the girls could cook meals. In fact, prior to them coming to stay here, the girls and I planned out the meals for the week and bought all the groceries, etc., for those meals. My girls know how to use the stove/oven and can read package directions, etc. They bake all the time, so it's not like they're strangers to the kitchen. I taught them all that. So imagine my surprise when I discovered that, during their entire stay here, they only had ONE  meal at home. The rest of the time, they went out to eat. And I don't mean cheap fast-food restaurants, either. I'm talking restaurants like Olive Garden, Cafe Ole, and Black Bear Diner (a steakhouse). I know how much it is for a family of five to eat out at nice restaurants. A bill could run anywhere between $60-$80 by the time you factor in tips.

I'm not sure what to do or how to think. I admit I'm a little PO'd by it all because she had told me she would cook for the girls while she was here, but instead, she chose to eat out all the time. My D15 said she kind of got tired of eating out so much after awhile and even gained weight doing so, but she didn't want to hurt her aunt's feelings. I suppose I could chalk this up to xSIL's lack of parenting skills. She has never married or had kids of her own, so she is not used to the balancing act we mothers are so good at. 

However, I feel like I now "owe" her for the meals.  I'm inclined to send her a check for the amount of money spent on eating out, along with a note explaining my thoughts about them eating out so much and how I'm a little perturbed by that. Thoughts?

P.S. I should note that, for those of you who are new and don't know me, I've been a member since 2009. I am widowed and this is my husband's family I have had to deal with since his death. His mother, who was the reason I joined this board in the first place, passed away in April 2012. So things have been a bit more "settled" for me now, but I do still have some challenges with the xSIL. The xSIL and I have had some "money" challenges in the past, too, which is why I am indecisive about what to do here. Let's just say she once threatened to take me to court for money my husband borrowed from her (unbeknownst to me). 

[Cassy]

You don't owe her for the food. It was a gift. You owe her a wonderful thank you card that you purchase at some awesome boutique and gush about how great it was. Your DDs might also send her one (send them all together, we all know what's gonna happen if one gets lost in the mail).  

It's *possible* she was trying to be nice, but regardless, keep it classy.

I honestly think offering money in this situation is a bit tacky and will as likely as not set off drama on some front.

Now, she might turn it around at some point and claim you owe her the money, in which case, say, "oh, I thought it was a gift, that you were just treating the girls. I had food for them and had arranged all the meals before I left. I'm terribly sorry for the misunderstanding." And shove the mon... . er, write her a cheque.  

[whippoorwill]

I'm not sure that I caught which of your family members is BPD, but I think it is your xSIL (?). If so, my first thought was that she treated your girls the same as my uBPD MIL would. You laid out your wishes, a type of boundary, and she took the first opportunity to trash them, with no apologies or even regard for what your girls actually wanted. I've noticed with my uBPD MIL that it is a compulsive situation. If I tell her what I would like for my child (who is 3), it's almost like she can't help but to do the opposite. And then she practically parades it in front of me, like she wants a confrontation. For my MIL, there is nothing that needs to be said. She gets such great pleasure of showing me that she has some kind of power in these situations (which is why she will no longer have unsupervised visits with our child).

In your case, you needed a favor and your xSIL helped you. It wasn't help the way you wanted. I wouldn't feel obligated to pay for the meals if you clearly gave your instructions. You had already bought the food that you and our daughters had planned out. Your xSIL came in and disregarded all of that, so I would not feel bad or obligated. But considering the money issues of the past, perhaps a thank-you card thanking her for staying with the girls would be appropriate. In reality, though, if your xSIL gets it in her head that you were not grateful enough, then it's not really going to matter what you do.

[FreedomReigns]

You owe her a wonderful thank you card that you purchase at some awesome boutique and gush about how great it was.

I ended up getting her a thank you card and a gift certificate to her favorite bookstore, Barnes & Noble. Nothing more, nothing less.

I'm not sure that I caught which of your family members is BPD, but I think it is your xSIL (?).

It was actually my MIL whom I self-diagnosed as having BPD. I had hoped that there would be hope for my SIL, but I doubt there is. She has grown up with this woman all her life and has adopted some of her mother's BPD traits, although  she is not as over-the-top as her mother was (her mother/my MIL died in April 2012).

she took the first opportunity to trash them, with no apologies or even regard for what your girls actually wanted

Well, prior to her coming to stay, we went out to dinner and SIL blatantly asked my D15 if she wanted to drive her truck, a VERY fancy truck, I might add. Brand spanking new, like 2014 new. It's a gem and even I am jealous. BUT, she did not ask me first. I had read about this sort of behavior in a book called ":)ivorce Poison," where one parent (usually the one without full custody) will try to get the kid to rant and rave over what they have done or what they got, etc., that when they go back to the other parent (the one who has full custody), everything is miniscule to where the child is then disappointed in that parent, thus pitting the child against his/her full-custody parent. I felt SIL was doing this to me by having D15 drive her truck and then realizing the car I have is peanuts compared to the fancy truck.  BUT, I emailed SIL beforehand (when I emailed my instructions) and told her I didn't want D15 to drive her truck. I let her know, in no uncertain terms, that she needs to run it by me first. This "boundary" was laid out a long time ago when I sat down with her and her parents and read my list of boundaries out loud to them. It appears SIL has forgotten those boundaries, but just because her mother is dead does not mean she doesn't have to honor them anymore. They still exist as much today as they did then. Needless to say, D15 did NOT drive SIL's truck while I was gone. She didn't want to because the thought of driving it scared her anyway.  I just wish SIL would stop trying to compete with me. Grrr.

We did actually have them over for dinner Easter Sunday. D20 was home for the holiday and wanted to invite them. If it were up to me, I wouldn't have invited them at all. But they are still a part of my girls' lives, so I felt I should honor my daughter's wishes.  Everything went fairly smoothly, except for when I had my D12 "baste" the ham in my roaster. I  merely had her scoop the juices from the pan and pour over the meat, which she thought was pretty cool. SIL made a snide comment about that not being the way to baste a ham, but I let it go. It wasn't worth getting worked up over. I did, on occasion, catch her staring at me every once in awhile, which her mother used to do whenever I was cooking or doing something. It always unnerved me. Still does. Makes me wonder what is going on inside their heads, you know? Kinda creeps me out, actually. But oh well. I don't have to see them or talk to them every day, so all is good.