What kind of attempt is this?

[State85]

So here’s the latest on my exgf. We’ve been out of this r/s for about 7 mos. I’m still a little LC with her. She’s on replacement number 3 I think, who lives out of town about 5 hrs away. Still will not admit he is her bf, but whatever….if someone drives that distance twice a month and stays at your house…well, you can imagine.

Anyway, we both are into triathlons and she is doing one out of town this weekend. This guy is driving down to go with her. She has no one to watch her dogs on Sunday night and Monday morning. She wants me to do it. My response was NO! Can anyone understand where I am coming from by saying no? Why would I watch her dogs while she goes off to another town for a few days with this guy? Especially when I still have some feelings for her, and she knows that.

I’ll admit I still have some feelings for her, and she says she understands that…but that I should still do it. Her reasoning is, because she would do the same for me, and she also knows I do like dogs. She has pulled out all the manipulative stops to convince me I should……...

Anyone out there have any idea why she would want me to do this? It’s crazy in my mind. 

[AwakenedOne]

my exgf, after each b/u, always wanted to remain friends. Even now, 6 mos later she still does. She remains friends with all of her ex's.

But, I have found that it is on her terms, not mine or ours. She would only contact me when she needed something, or when something went wrong in her current r/s and she needed to feel better about herself so she would devalue me for a bit.

I really do not think she really thinks of me as a friend, but rather wants to call it that so I will hang around, so she can call on me when everyone else has abandoned her... .

My real/true friends would not treat me this way... . friendship in my opinion is not possible. And with my exgf, I don't think it is possible even in the future.

State85,

The answer to your question is in bold print above. She cares only about herself.  I can relate to a lot of your story. I got tossed away 8 months ago. As you say in your own words this isn't a real friendship. Why participate in that? You did great telling her No. That was awesome. Don't feel guilty. Let her pay a kennel to watch the dogs or one of her other ex's can do it. You ever thought about replacing LC with NC and moving on and finding a better partner and a better friend? I understand your feelings though. The world is tough out there, but a chance for happiness awaits those who look for it. I'm looking. Hang in there bro

AO

[LettingGo14]

I’ll admit I still have some feelings for her, and she says she understands that…but that I should still do it. Her reasoning is, because she would do the same for me, and she also knows I do like dogs. She has pulled out all the manipulative stops to convince me I should……...

Anyone out there have any idea why she would want me to do this? It’s crazy in my mind. 

One of the biggest lessons I have learned here is that we have the power to set boundaries, to give power to ourselves.   The lesson that has been impressed upon me -- and the one I have come to believe -- is that "detachment leads to freedom."

If an acquaintance asked me to watch a dog, I might say, "no, sorry, I can't because of x, y, or z."  And I likely would not be hooked. 

Why is it different with our ex-partners?  Why do we call it manipulative?   Because detaching is hard, and we have emotional investments in the relationships. 

You can open the door, or you can keep the door closed.  Yes, she might keep knocking, but that's on her.  We, however, can keep the door closed.  If we open it, that's on us.

Note:  I say this in part for myself, because I'm trying to "retrain" my brain that I do have power here.   I don't need to feel manipulated.   Make sense?

[State85]

LettingGo

Makes sense. She pulled out everything to get me to do this, everything. To make me feel sorry for her... . everything from how she was abused by first husband, to how she has no or little money right now.

What bothers me is her even asking when she knows how I still feel, and the fact she is going with my replacement... . just cold I think. No respect for my feelings at all... .

[LettingGo14]

Again, I affirm your "pause" before making a decision.   I think it's healthy for you to consider your own needs here.  Do you think you will say no?   And, if so, how might you do it in a way that does not trigger more contact?  (Meaning, can you characterize a "no" as you might with an acquaintance or colleague that asked the same?  That is, rather than citing manipulation or still having feelings, can you just say, "sorry, out of town"?)

[State85]

No with her won't work... . although that is my intention.

And yes, it will trigger. Probably cause it's all about her, and not considering my feelings at all.

Oh well.

[seeking balance]

I’m still a little LC with her.

ummm... . a "little" LC, really?  Is that like being a "little" pregnant?

What does LC mean to you - what are your boundaries, etc?

She has no one to watch her dogs on Sunday night and Monday morning. She wants me to do it. My response was NO! Can anyone understand where I am coming from by saying no? Why would I watch her dogs while she goes off to another town for a few days with this guy? Especially when I still have some feelings for her, and she knows that.

She needs the dogs watched and you watched them in the past probably, right?

Her new guy is really none of your business - yes, that is harsh, but that is the reality.

If she were not going out of town with him, would you watch the dogs?  Is this what you mean by "little" LC?

I’ll admit I still have some feelings for her, and she says she understands that…but that I should still do it. Her reasoning is, because she would do the same for me, and she also knows I do like dogs. She has pulled out all the manipulative stops to convince me I should……...

Anyone out there have any idea why she would want me to do this? It’s crazy in my mind. 

She is doing it because you are allowing it - no other reason.  In HER mind it is logical, she explained the logic to you.

If this doesn't work for you, say "sorry, can't do it".

She is responsible for her own emotional regulation - boundaries are the kindest thing you can do for yourself and her.