does it get worse before it ends?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am working on emotional detachment. He is very intuitive and can read emotions very well. He has sensed that I am pulling away I guess and has increased his analysis of my actions and telling me how I am absent in the relationship. He told me this morning that I am tearing the relationship apart. Can someone tell me, even though I know BPD's are unpredictable, what might happen next?

[JLK1011]

I am working on emotional detachment. He is very intuitive and can read emotions very well. He has sensed that I am pulling away I guess and has increased his analysis of my actions and telling me how I am absent in the relationship. He told me this morning that I am tearing the relationship apart. Can someone tell me, even though I know BPD's are unpredictable, what might happen next?

[WalrusGumboot]

If his attempts at reeling you back in fails, expect it to get worse, maybe to the point of him exhibiting an "extinction burst". It's a well documented phenomena on this board. I had experienced it. They really get desperate.

[AchingHeart]

Hi JLK1011,

my ex and I had started drifting apart from each other in the last few months.

She could sense it as well. I didn't mean to end it, we had talked about our relationship and she absolutely didn't want to end it. I started being a bit more distant and allocating time for more activities that I wanted to do (not necessarily with her). She perceived it as if I was trying to avoid her and not spend time with her. I comforted her several times but the fear of abandonment was there. I could sense it. That is when she started being more distant as well.  

In the end, she simply disappeared for nearly a week, only returning home to sleep and eat.

In the few weeks prior, we had quite a few arguments and they got more and more violent towards the end.

She'd just express her anger in a brutal and demeaning way. I was, of course, the source of all our and her problems. She somehow managed to make me feel guilty. Both of us had our wrongs in the relationship but her BPD and the substance abuse that resulted from it where simply out of control.

Finally, one morning I confronted her and that was that. Surprisingly, it went "smoothly". The reasons we had broken-up changed every other day.

I met her yesterday and I could see the confusion in her eyes. She's not sure what she wants herself.

From what I read on these boards it all depends on the state of mind they are in.

If they're ready to move on (especially if they have a replacement lined up), they might be insulting, rude, and will try to take you down emotionally. They tend to get rid of any guilt they might feel and simply blame it all on you. They will have no trouble moving on. They simply turn that switch off for you and back on for that replacement.

Your BF is already blaming you for tearing the relationship apart. What is he doing to save it? What is he doing to work on his problems and better your relationship? Don't let this affect you.Trust me, I know. Easier said than done.

Again from what I have read here, if they're not ready for the break-up, they will try clinging on.

I have no experience with that scenario however.

[JLK1011]

I think I have experienced the "extinction burst." The last time we broke up, he blew up and told me how all of my gifts were just props and how is ex was so much better than me. He told me to erse him from my life. Then he left. I guess I was supposed to chase after him.  He text me the next day telling me I knew he was a good man. Then nothing for two weeks. Unfortunately (considering what I know now) we recycled and yet again I am the one who is cold and unwilling to love more than I do.

AchingHeart- you asked what is he doing to save the relationship? Nothing except for telling me I don't love him enough.

WalrunGumboot-  thank you for letting me know about the extinction burst. Hopefully it will be soon so the butterflies in my stomach will fly away.

[heartandwhole]

Hi JLK1011,

It sounds like a tense situation.  Are you afraid?  I read your last posts where you said he has never hit you, thankfully.  I know how scary "getting in your face" can be.

With someone as intuitive as he seems to be, detaching can trigger abandonment fears and difficult behavior that is really an attempt to cope with that fear.  Have you seen this thread about leaving a pwBPD?  It has some really good tips in there:  

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

It's hard to predict anyone's actions, but you can make a plan.  You are working on emotional detachment – what about physical separation, is that possible now?  

heartandwhole 

[WalrusGumboot]

JLK, waiting for the next blowup... . that is no way to live.

What's stopping you from pulling the plug on this r/s yourself?  Is it love, or is it fear?

[Madison66]

JLK,

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.  I attempted to leave my 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf in October only to have a short 7 week recycle before cutting the cord for good in early December.  When I returned to the r/s in October, I did so with the intention to enforce healthy boundaries.  I communicated the boundaries to my ex gf, which didn't go over so well.  I think this triggered her and she then ramped up the emotional abuse, blackmail and control.  During the last month of the r/s, she got physical with me twice and then did hundreds of dollars of damage to my property as she left my house the last time.  I told her I was done and within a couple days she was charming me asking "are we really done and what the final straw?"  I found out later she was shopping for a replacement at least a month before this.

I'm telling you my story to demonstrate that it often gets worse once the PD stbex senses a loss of control or detachment.  In my case, it turned to physical abuse and as a man I never dreamed of enduring that at the hands of the person you believed loved you.  I contributed to the end being so bad because I didn't shut the door a couple months earlier when I had a chance.  Please be careful and consider walking away sooner than later if that is already in your mind.

[seeking balance]

What's stopping you from pulling the plug on this r/s yourself?  Is it love, or is it fear?

Brilliant Question - this answer will help in determining the path you want to take moving forward JLK.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JLK1011, I suggest you prepare for an onslaught of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), which it sounds like has already happened, to some extent.  Those w/BPD will try all three in order to find out which works best in terms of manipulating you.  So forewarned is forearmed.  Also, I agree that it's a good idea to have an escape plan in place, perhaps by alerting a friend or family member to the possibility that things could get out of hand.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[JLK1011]

Hi all,

Thank you for responding. I guess I am not leaving because it is my apartment, my home, and I have left a home once before because of him. I guess I feel he should leave. I guess I feel he should step up, realize the relationship is over and leave our children and me in peace. I'm not scared of him... . I'm more exhausted from the manipulation- the stock I don't love him, I am sleeping around, I am cold, etc. My concern is that he is not on the lease (which is against the lease) and has been living there with me since October (?) and I have witnessed his vindictiveness first hand. My concern is that he will, with his ever charming side, divulge the living situation to the landlord which will inevitably force me out. It's the only thing he can use against me. I have two small children to think about and I feel like I am playing chess.

The bright side is I have not engaged with his comments and he has not had a blow up. Does this mean I am willing to stay and work on the relationship? Heck no. I'm over it.