How much did/do you shield from your children?

[Madison66]

I never lived with my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years, but we have lived on the same street for the last 15 months (she is moving in two weeks).  The last year or so of the r/s was rough with 3 recycles leading up the final b/u in early December.  My teen D witnessed a couple rage incidents of my ex gf, but more so noticed the extreme defensiveness, silent treatments, continued chaos with her and her kids, and some mean things she said to me.  I shielded a ton from my D, especially the repeated statements from my ex gf about her jealousy and resentment towards my daughter.  I shielded my D from 99% of the emotional abuse/blackmail and the physical abuse at the end of the r/s.

When we b/u, I told my D that I came to a point where it was obvious to me that the r/s couldn't move forward.  She wanted to know what happened to our security door and window in front, and I told her the truth about my ex gf damaging them on her way out.  I could tell my D was confused about the behavior.  She never had a very close r/s with my ex gf mostly because I don't believe my ex wanted a r/s with her.  Again, she was jealous and didn't trust women in general.  

So, lately my daughter has been asking more questions.  I've told her just a little more, but don't know what to say regarding the extreme behaviors and PD.  :)id you shield your kids from the behaviors of your PD ex and what did you tell your kids about the behaviors after the b/u?  How much do I tell my daughter when she asks me direct questions?  I'm sure there will be differences between married folk and those that were not.  Thanks.

[seeking balance]

 How much do I tell my daughter when she asks me direct questions?  I'm sure there will be differences between married folk and those that were not.  Thanks.

Age appropriate simple answers - and when I say age appropriate, I mean emotional age is much more important than physical age for a topic such as this. It that can be valuable teaching moments if you can allow yourself the vulnerability in sharing the importance of boundaries and such.  NO need for a class in BPD.

[Sunny Side]

Age appropriate simple answers - and when I say age appropriate, I mean emotional age is much more important than physical age for a topic such as this. It that can be valuable teaching moments if you can allow yourself the vulnerability in sharing the importance of boundaries and such.  NO need for a class in BPD.

SB, I actually have a question for you regarding this.  I understand the concept of 'emotionally age appropriate" disclosure for kids, especially those skewing younger or emotionally immature.  However at what point in your opinion does this become a self-defeating behavior for the "non"?  Let me explain... .

In a significant r/s with a pwBPD, the eggshell effect (the "non" not wanting to do or say anything that will trigger dysregulation in the pwBPD) seems to butterfly out to the "non's" secondary r/s's as well.  I.e. keeping information from close friends, family, in-laws, etc.  At what point do you believe open disclosure about (in this case) BPD is appropriate with other affected parties?  Because it seems there is a predisposition for the "non" to isolate him/herself (other than perhaps a 'T' and thus begin the slow process of going completely insane.  Is there a general "rule of thumb" when it comes to discussing personality disorders in publicus?  It seems to me the only way to begin to destigmatize PD's is to stop walking around them as if we were talking about the occult or black magic.

Will you enlighten me SB-san? 

[seeking balance]

Sunny Side - I don't want to hijack Madison's thread and his question was specific to his situation.

If you want to start a thread with this more generic topic, I am sure you will get all sorts of feedback.   

[Sunny Side]

Sunny Side - I don't want to hijack Madison's thread and his question was specific to his situation.

If you want to start a thread with this more generic topic, I am sure you will get all sorts of feedback.   

Will do, SB.  Sorry, Madison, thought there was some relevance here.  Didn't mean to jump in on your space!   

[Madison66]

Thanks, SB.  I'll look forward to the other thread starting.  Sounds like it will be a good one.

Regarding my situation, my daughter asked me directly what happened to our door and window.  I was honest and said what happened.  She's 15 and wiser than her age, so there were follow-ups.  She had witnessed some rage episodes with my ex gf and asked if I felt there was something about her that she couldn't control herself.  I answered that I did think so and that I didn't believe she could really understand how she was making me feel.  So tonight, my daughter then asked me the zinger: ":)ad, did she ever hit you or do anything physical to you?"  I answered "yes" and we had a really open discussion about how she should never tolerate physical or emotional abuse from a friend, bully or bf.  I encouraged her to always tell a loved on if something like that happens.  She thanked me for being honest with her and thanked me for leaving the r/s.  I got very emotional.  

So, I could have danced around the issues but that would have done nothing more than perpetuate the silence I kept for 3+ years as the emotional and then physical abuse happened.  PD or no PD, it was horrible behavior and in this case I spoke openly with my daughter about it.  It was an open, honest and teachable moment.  No one should have to deal with it... .    

[Turkish]

Thanks, SB.  I'll look forward to the other thread starting.  Sounds like it will be a good one.

Regarding my situation, my daughter asked me directly what happened to our door and window.  I was honest and said what happened.  She's 15 and wiser than her age, so there were follow-ups.  She had witnessed some rage episodes with my ex gf and asked if I felt there was something about her that she couldn't control herself.  I answered that I did think so and that I didn't believe she could really understand how she was making me feel.  So tonight, my daughter then asked me the zinger: ":)ad, did she ever hit you or do anything physical to you?"  I answered "yes" and we had a really open discussion about how she should never tolerate physical or emotional abuse from a friend, bully or bf.  I encouraged her to always tell a loved on if something like that happens.  She thanked me for being honest with her and thanked me for leaving the r/s.  I got very emotional.

That's great, Madison! Your daughter does sound mature for her age, and you have a good relationship with her.

So, I could have danced around the issues but that would have done nothing more than perpetuate the silence I kept for 3+ years as the emotional and then physical abuse happened.  PD or no PD, it was horrible behavior and in this case I spoke openly with my daughter about it.  It was an open, honest and teachable moment.  No one should have to deal with it... .    

Going through what you did, and given the information here, you can be a background guide for her later on when she is in a relationship, though it sounds like she is a pretty sharp cookie.

[seeking balance]

 So tonight, my daughter then asked me the zinger: ":)ad, did she ever hit you or do anything physical to you?"  I answered "yes" and we had a really open discussion about how she should never tolerate physical or emotional abuse from a friend, bully or bf.  I encouraged her to always tell a loved on if something like that happens.  She thanked me for being honest with her and thanked me for leaving the r/s.  I got very emotional.  

Good job Madison, this is exactly what I meant about being vulnerable so you could give her tools to not end up in a similar situation.

At 15, she can learn boundaries and vulnerability in a healthy way - from you modeling it.  It showed courage to do this Madision 

[Sunny Side]

So tonight, my daughter then asked me the zinger: ":)ad, did she ever hit you or do anything physical to you?"  I answered "yes" and we had a really open discussion about how she should never tolerate physical or emotional abuse from a friend, bully or bf.  I encouraged her to always tell a loved on if something like that happens.  She thanked me for being honest with her and thanked me for leaving the r/s.  I got very emotional.  

So, I could have danced around the issues but that would have done nothing more than perpetuate the silence I kept for 3+ years as the emotional and then physical abuse happened.  PD or no PD, it was horrible behavior and in this case I spoke openly with my daughter about it.  It was an open, honest and teachable moment.  No one should have to deal with it... .    

Madison, this sounds like top shelf parenting and the foundations of an aware, smart, independent thinking daughter.  Perpetuating silence around injustice is nearly impossible not to detect at that age (15) and it only would only have undermined all of you in the end.  Give yourself a pat on the back for the both of you, this is a good, good thing.