Work - Private How to protect myself?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I think the work - private life boundary is a very important one. It gives most of us a safe space where we do not have to constantly worry about walking on eggshells and relax in that respect. It is relatively easy to enforce. 

I believe that I am in the stage where enforcing boundaries is creating a bit of an escalation.  Yesterday there were text threats of coming to my work to embarrass me if I didn't sign over vehicles to her.  I had plans to be out of the office anyway.  I had told her I would not be there and she came by anyway. 

I have a very public job and most likely in the near future she will publicly embarrass me in one of her episodes.  I'm trying to prepare for that... .

Any advice is helpful. 

Today she was still grumpy about non compliance on my part... . but not as fired up as yesterday.  I have indicated to her that I would be more than happy to do the signing over of vehicles but that we should have a calm discussion first so we both are clear on what is going on with OUR vehicles.  She keeps claiming I think they are mine... . and those words have never left my mouth. 

They were in my name because it made titling them easier while in the military.  Different states treat spouses differently. 

At this point the only thing that is keeping me from signing over is I don't want to do it under duress.  Sign them over or the marriage is over... . I will embarrass you... . etc etc.

   

[formflier]

I think the work - private life boundary is a very important one. It gives most of us a safe space where we do not have to constantly worry about walking on eggshells and relax in that respect. It is relatively easy to enforce. 

I believe that I am in the stage where enforcing boundaries is creating a bit of an escalation.  Yesterday there were text threats of coming to my work to embarrass me if I didn't sign over vehicles to her.  I had plans to be out of the office anyway.  I had told her I would not be there and she came by anyway. 

I have a very public job and most likely in the near future she will publicly embarrass me in one of her episodes.  I'm trying to prepare for that... .

Any advice is helpful. 

Today she was still grumpy about non compliance on my part... . but not as fired up as yesterday.  I have indicated to her that I would be more than happy to do the signing over of vehicles but that we should have a calm discussion first so we both are clear on what is going on with OUR vehicles.  She keeps claiming I think they are mine... . and those words have never left my mouth. 

They were in my name because it made titling them easier while in the military.  Different states treat spouses differently. 

At this point the only thing that is keeping me from signing over is I don't want to do it under duress.  Sign them over or the marriage is over... . I will embarrass you... . etc etc.

   

[an0ught]

Hi formflier,

one way to think about ourselves is a multi legged chair. One leg may be our health, one our spouse, one our family, one our finances, one our work... . Cut too many and we topple.

Work is for most of us an import one and often critical for our finances as well. So letting anyone interfere with it is not wise. I found two strategies useful. The first is deterrence and the second is prevention.

Functioning pwBPD do have a sense which boundaries they can cross without much repercussions and also have a sense for self preservation. This needs to be a strong boundary with little tolerance for manipulation. Making it clear in b&w terms that interfering here would affect them badly and meaning it (no empty threats) can help to ward off games here. Any attempt fooling around in this area should be met by stern reactions (words and deeds) signaling clearly that we mean it. We may pay some price to take drastic actions early but it is important to us. We don't take death threats lightly and similarly we don't take threats against our livelihood lightly. For anyone with kids and depending on the situation the job may be more important than the marriage. It is important to know what our values are in order to make choices in a high stakes conflict under time pressure. It is important to think all options fully through. Essentially we project a sense that this is a fortified boundary - we act with gravity not anger. It must be clear that there are easier boundaries to cross.

Prevention can be done by removing a sense of control. The principle of need to know can be useful. For anyone in a high visibility job it is often the case that we learn about stuff that should not be shared and simply adhering to this principle with our spouse

- takes away material that can be used

- takes away a sense of control. The job is not seen as an extension of the pwBPD like us and a means to express emotions.

It may be sad that we can't share so much of our job life with our SO but then that is the price to protect the former from the latter's bouts of emotions.

[tired-of-it-all]

I too am in a very public job.  My BPDWife threatened many times to come to work and pitch a fit.  I had to get to the point where I just didn't care.  I told the few people who might need to know and eventually decided to hell with it.  I spent enough time in alanon to detach from her behavior and realize that that is her and this is me.  It helped to realize that everyone, EVERYONE, has something like this in their family.  WITHOUT EXCEPTION EVERYONE.  I now don't care if she shows up naked and wallows in the floor.  I will call the police and go back to work. 

Alanon has a saying, "We are only as sick as our secrets."  It means that keeping secret our loved one's problems makes them bigger than they already are.  It makes them insurmountable.  You may lose a little of your pride when the world finds out but that will result in more freedom.  It will result in peace and serenity and happiness for you.  Frankly, it does us good to have to admit what is going on.  Anyone who holds this against us is no friend anyway. 

I have been down this road so many, many times.  I promise you your life will be better when you no longer give a s**t what everyone thinks about you because of her.  Don't give her this power over you.  I put the cops on standby the last time my wife threatened to misbehave.  I then told her to come on.  That there was a jail cell waiting for her.

[formflier]

Thanks... . this gave me a push in the right direction.  Knowing that EVERYONE has something like this going on... . and knowing that I am responsible for my actions and not hers... .

How do you figure out how much "pre-emptive" stuff you will do versus how much you will just wait for her to cause a scene and then respond, set a limit or whatever. 

For instance:  I got the below string of textbomb this morning.  My gut says not to respond in anyway... let her post what she will post and just move along.

text 1:  So u left this morning at 6:30 am afyer cleaning the stuff out of the back of the cruiser and respond no when i ask if u r hauling sometging

text 2: today... . dropping anyone at the airport?

text 3:   So nice of u to make time for the people who matter... . u come home every nigjt and sit onbir laptop on youtube til bedtime... . and then bhit a

text 4:   t us foe daring to turn on the tv

text 5:   U let us slave away working on kandscaping while u watched youtube and when ausie askes u if u saw what we sid outsise u said u didnt see it.

text 6: ... shes only 8 and u shld hv told her how proud u r of her hard work... . u r a lousy father

text 7:   U hv begun telling ur friends things to make them think i am crazy... . i h. Not said anything bcse i didnt want u to lose the job u love... . th

text 8:  ats over... . i am telling my side of the story... . hope ur friends will keep u warm at nigh

I too am in a very public job.  My BPDWife threatened many times to come to work and pitch a fit.  I had to get to the point where I just didn't care.  I told the few people who might need to know and eventually decided to hell with it.  I spent enough time in alanon to detach from her behavior and realize that that is her and this is me.  It helped to realize that everyone, EVERYONE, has something like this in their family.  WITHOUT EXCEPTION EVERYONE.  I now don't care if she shows up naked and wallows in the floor.  I will call the police and go back to work. 

Alanon has a saying, "We are only as sick as our secrets."  It means that keeping secret our loved one's problems makes them bigger than they already are.  It makes them insurmountable.  You may lose a little of your pride when the world finds out but that will result in more freedom.  It will result in peace and serenity and happiness for you.  Frankly, it does us good to have to admit what is going on.  Anyone who holds this against us is no friend anyway. 

I have been down this road so many, many times.  I promise you your life will be better when you no longer give a s**t what everyone thinks about you because of her.  Don't give her this power over you.  I put the cops on standby the last time my wife threatened to misbehave.  I then told her to come on.  That there was a jail cell waiting for her.

[tired-of-it-all]

I would tell my boss and the Human Resources Director. HR is supposed to be sympathetic to family issues. If you have a Security Dept that is made up of professionals, I might tell their manager also. It will depend on those people and how much you trust them.

I would say to them that your spouse or ex has diagnosed mental illness and that there is the possibility of her coming to work and making a scene. I am sure HR has seen this before.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

I have been getting similar threats for the past year. Twice she was outside the office, but didn't create a scene as threatened. Honestly I was worried about the consequences she and myself would face if she had. I told her many times, that whatever she did in public, there will be repercussions and we would have to deal with it and things will never be the same after that. Responsibility, a concept that they have difficulty with.

Just my 2 cents:

- DO NOT sign anything, if you think you should not.

- Seek legal advice if necessary or talk to someone whom you trust first, if you do decide to.

- Do not make threats to discourage her or change her mind. Stay calm and objective (yes it's hard to do).

- Speak to your supervisor to give him a heads up, to tell it as it is before it gets twisted into something else (this is tough for me, because of the dynamics at my work, so I leave it till it really is out of hand).

I read somewhere about not playing their games, to me it's like a poker game, call the bluff. Prepare to lose the pot, but also prepare to bounce back. Don't let the first domino fall or there will be a chain effect.