Question for everyone on uBPD spouse dealing with traveling issues

[tmixon25]

Hello All,

I am still new and do not know all of the lingo and abbreviations ... . so forgive me. My uBPD wife has always had an issue with traveling, especially long car drives. We would always accommodate her by making frequent stops and lunch/dinner breaks as we would visit her family(9 hours away) and mine (6 hours away) during the year. I would ask her about why she did not like to drive and she would state that she always had to drive long distances as a child when her Dad (in the government) had to move every two to three years and she hated to be in a car because of that reason. I can understand that to a large degree. But over the past 2-3 years her traveling fear has escalated to the point that she refuses to travel anywhere by car. She demands that her parents (who are in their 80's) drive up the 9 hours to see us. My wife refuses to go see anyone at this point in my or her family. She is so adamant that she has traveled too many times over the past 14 years we have been married and now that it is everyone else's turn to come to us. This is simply unrealistic as her parents are very elderly and she is an only child - they simply cannot make the trips anymore. My family has like 50 people that would have to come up to see us for a 6 hour drive as opposed to us going down to see them.

I try and try to talk to her about us going to see our families but, as you guys know, is like trying to talk to a brick wall.

I finally had her agree to go to a beach resort (couple of hours away from my family) for 1 week at the end of this summer! I talked to my family and they were all willing to come over and spend the week with us close by.

But my wife's stipulation for this trip was that she cannot and will not travel more than 4 hours during one day. We both agree to this and I propose that we stop at 4 hours at my aunt and uncles house on the way to the beach. She flips out at this suggestion and says that we MUST stay in a hotel that has a pool and playground for the kids. If I refuse this demand the kids are not allowed to come and I will have to go to the beach alone.

Is this something common to BPD (the traveling issue)? I am not sure how to handle this as she needs to visits her family.

Thanks for listening.

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[tired-of-it-all]

Never give in to someone's insanity.  It only makes them worse.  If she won't go on a long trip, go without her.

I no longer say, "Would you like to go out."  I now say, "I am going out.  Would you like to go?"

I wanted to a dance in our area.  I didn't say, "Would you like to go to this dance?"  I said, "I am planning on going to this dance.  Do you want to go?"  She agreed but the day before the dance she suddenly developed a problem with her knee.  On the day of the dance I said, "Are you going to be able to go with me?  If you can't I will take D16."  She replied, "Oh yes I am going."  Her knee made a miraculous recovery.

I don't go to her family reunion.  It is the definition of insanity.  I don't ask her to all of my family functions.  Yes this is a loss in a way.  It is the loss of a dream.  The dream that I had for my marriage.  It is not bad, however.  And it is a lot better than giving her control over my happiness.

I wanted to travel abroad and she did not.  I went without her.  I take a trip without her every year.  It is one of the best things in my life.  I don't feel any guilt or shame.  I don't misbehave while I am away.  I don't do anything that I would be ashamed for my children to know about.

Mind you this is after 9 years of alanon for me.  The alanon program helped me learn to set boundaries and not care how bad her response might be.