Struggling with detachment today

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm really struggling with this phase of detachment this morning.  Had a couple good days after scraping myself up off the floor (thank you SB), and getting to the nitty gritty of some real truths.  I'm overwhelmed again today with wanting to reach out, (gritting my teeth, holding strong). I miss her, I miss the things we did, the places we went. Nothing good will come of breaking NC, more than likely I would get silent treatment in return, it's her punishment of choice.  She does owe me money, we had a "shared" seasonal toy.  I asked for it a couple months ago, but I know it's a control thing that I don't have it.  She's well aware of all my situations and how this money could be useful to me.  Maybe that's the root of some anxiousness, it's a loose end, I do not want any loose ends.  Severing is the best in this situation. The best for me. I hate this.  Breathing, trying to center myself with other thoughts to drive these pathetic feelings away.

Thanks for letting me purge, may have saved me from inappropriate contact with the XBPDGf/friend

CiF

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm really struggling with this phase of detachment this morning.  Had a couple good days after scraping myself up off the floor (thank you SB), and getting to the nitty gritty of some real truths.  I'm overwhelmed again today with wanting to reach out, (gritting my teeth, holding strong). I miss her, I miss the things we did, the places we went. Nothing good will come of breaking NC, more than likely I would get silent treatment in return, it's her punishment of choice.  She does owe me money, we had a "shared" seasonal toy.  I asked for it a couple months ago, but I know it's a control thing that I don't have it.  She's well aware of all my situations and how this money could be useful to me.  Maybe that's the root of some anxiousness, it's a loose end, I do not want any loose ends.  Severing is the best in this situation. The best for me. I hate this.  Breathing, trying to center myself with other thoughts to drive these pathetic feelings away.

Thanks for letting me purge, may have saved me from inappropriate contact with the XBPDGf/friend

CiF

[seeking balance]

These are just feelings - not facts... . feelings come and go 

You can do this CIF... . can you identify the FEAR that the thought of her contact would help you temporarily soothe?  Probably deeper than money issues, huh?

[willy45]

Hey There,

Sorry are struggling today. I'm struggling too. I sent an email to my ex telling her I can't be friends anymore and I am in an incredible amount of pain. I told her not to respond. But still, I am checking. I know now that I just need to grieve.

As for the money, that totally sucks. And yes. I was in the same boat. But the way I looked at it was that the money was a small price to pay for my mental well-being. After I just decided that it was a 'payment' for my sanity, I stopped worrying about it. The loose ends will kill you and you will likely never see your money back. So, what worked for me was just thinking about it as a payment for her to go away. No more loose ends. In hindsight, I would have gladly paid anything for her to go away and not contact me ever again. The actual financial costs to me physically and emotionally of having her constantly contact me far outweigh anything she had actual taken from me financially. Maybe looking at it this way can help?

[Cardinals in Flight]

Maybe what I was feeling this morning was an uneasy premonition type thing.  I got home from work to find a check in my mail.  I was thankful, but really surprised too.  Figured it would be the one thing for her to hold on to in order to have at least a small tie.

I sat with it, thought about it and decided to make contact. I'm glad I did, I was warm, loving and kind in the same old face of blame, distortion, and rewriting history, I still was calm, friendly and there were no tears!  This is huge for me as I'm the emotive type

I can and will absolutely hold my head high, I gave this woman the very best of myself, and she proved to me over and over that when I do not allow poor treatment, I may as well be a can that can be kicked to the curb.  It feels very done, very very done.  Im not emotional. I may crash later or be triggered by a memory, but I'm ok.

She did say nobody treated her as badly as me, I had to kinda feel sorry for her when she said that, it was the complete opposite of the truth.  No need to dispute what an ill person says, I know the truth, God knows, that's all that matters.

I have closure, I'm thankful, not many here in this place can say that.  I also deposited the check,

CiF

[babyducks]

Hi Cardinals in Flight,

I am glad you got your money.  I am also glad you got through contact and came out the other side feeling strong.   That is a feeling I can relate to.   I know how freeing it felt to stand up to the abuse, be unaffected by it and claim our own truth.

I like what Seeking Balance said, this was probably about more than the money.

What is true for me, is that all my life I have defined my feelings of self worth and self esteem by external events.   Its true my EX couldn't self soothe but I couldn't (still can't really) self validate.   That is why this relationship was so intoxicating and damaging for me at the same time.  When my EX was loving and adoring she gave my self esteem a lift like it has never seen before and hopefully will never see again.  When my EX was cruel and abusive my very fragile self esteem took body blows like I hope to never have to live through again.

When things get tough in my life I struggle with the no contact and detachment because I want that sense of comfort I got from her.   I know that's normal.   What I am learning is that its my job to provide validation to myself.   My self talk is almost always negative and I need to create new patterns that are kinder to me.

Hope things continue to look up for you.

'ducks

[Cardinals in Flight]

Thank you ducks

I'm going forward, I feel entirely and completely free!

I KNOW I'm a good person, I know how I got involved, what makes me tick.  I've worked hard to look at very painful things, I was/am the epitome of the "understanding driven lonely child".   Things are going to be good, they're going to be different, because I said so,

Seriously though, I know I will have sad, down days.  Regardless of her issues and inability to relate or work through anything in order to have even a tad of resolution, I loved this woman deeply, I know her history and a lot of the "whys" as to how she came to be the person she is today.  In my hubris, I wanted her to see that not everyone is an abandoner, I wanted to be different and show her love always.  When there was a tantrum or a rage, I looked past that to the broken little girl who suffered tragic loss. The compassion and empathy overflowed from me to her. It wasn't my job to fix, but to be there, in my head it's a relationship thing. It was all a farce but it wasn't useless it taught me invaluable lessons.

I love her very much, right in this very moment, enough to let her go as I am bad for her.  She is bad for me.

SB, I think some of the fear is of change.  There's been a lot of change recently.  I knew reaching out would produce negative results, it just does.  Too much toxicity on both out parts.

I laughed out loud in my car after hearing some of the distorted twisted facts she relayed over old stuff. 

I'm praying I'm on the verge of acceptance, whatever it is it feels awfully good and I intend to farm it!

CiF

[Split black]

I struggled today and broke NC after a month and a half of anguish and hard work. Im disgusted with myself. I accomplished nothing except to hear how happy she is with her ex that she recycled again on and off for 4 years. And this guy knows of her cheating. I have never felt so used and discarded... . and if history is any indication... . she will revel in her new honeymoon and start cheating on him in a few month or less.

But this time... . he must have really put the boundaries up, maybe giving her one last chance... . again.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm so sorry, I SO KNOW your pain, I have done it more times than I can count.

Today is a new day, we all get the chance to be better today than yesterday... .

(())

CiF

[sm15000]

It wasn't my job to fix, but to be there, in my head it's a relationship thing. It was all a farce but it wasn't useless it taught me invaluable lessons.  I love her very much, right in this very moment, enough to let her go as I am bad for her.  She is bad for me.

I haven't posted on here for many months and for some reason came back to read today. . .and I saw this.  I'm nearly 3 yrs out of a 13 yr r/s, about half total NC.  I ended my r/s after a good six months of trying to fix. . .it was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to do. . .but I knew if we both went on, it would've destroyed both of us. 

I was/am the epitome of the "understanding driven lonely child

Me too. . .and what a discovery that was. . .it will be one of the most important in your life, and from it you will grow. . .I won't pretend, it's a long and painful journey but you will not regret your decision.  I still think of my ex a lot, I've questioned whether I'm stuck or am abnormally grieving but I just accept it now. . .it comes with pain less and less, and I've started to accept the memories as good again - I'll never regret having those years with him, they were some of the best in my life, and mostly good - but it couldn't last.  Just recently, I've started to feel genuinely happy again. . .for so, so long it's been pretty much an act/going through the motions 

I wish you lots of luck, you will come out stronger 

[Cardinals in Flight]

Thnk you sm15000, I needed that today!  Need to see others who are on the other side.

CiF