Fog has been lifted and underneath is ANGER - Harnessing Anger

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm never been much of an angry person.  But man, after this fog has been cleared up, I reflect back on some things and the result comes out anger. 

I've been working to harness this anger and I'm feeling more driven ever in my life.  I have tons of opportunities but I never really had enough motivation take them on.  Where is this energy coming from?

Why is it that this negative emotion (ANGER), is now making me wanting to succeed and "send a message".

I never liked the idea of using success as revenge.  I always feel like success should be done for myself and my family.  But this is the first time ever where I've been put in a position where I am tempted to succeed to just rub it in her (I kinda wanna cuss here) face. 

This is just me venting by the way and trying to understand myself more.  I vow to never let success bring me down to that kind of level and always be humble.  But I have to admit, it's soo tempting... .

-Man On Fire 

[LuckyNicki]

I'm never been much of an angry person.  But man, after this fog has been cleared up, I reflect back on some things and the result comes out anger. 

I've been working to harness this anger and I'm feeling more driven ever in my life.  I have tons of opportunities but I never really had enough motivation take them on.  Where is this energy coming from?

Why is it that this negative emotion (ANGER), is now making me wanting to succeed and "send a message".

I never liked the idea of using success as revenge.  I always feel like success should be done for myself and my family.  But this is the first time ever where I've been put in a position where I am tempted to succeed to just rub it in her (I kinda wanna cuss here) face. 

This is just me venting by the way and trying to understand myself more.  I vow to never let success bring me down to that kind of level and always be humble.  But I have to admit, it's soo tempting... .

-Man On Fire 

[winston72]

Hey LuckyNicki... . what leads you to believe that anger is a negative emotion?  It isn't just parsing words to say that the emotion itself is not negative, but rather how we allow it to manifest in ourselves can have constructive or destructive results.

Your post resonates with me because I am not prone to anger and it was very slow to arise in me through my BPD relationship.  I think I had a lifetime of disavowing my anger.  Starting to feel it in the aftermath of this relationship energized me to define my own boundaries... . simply stated, being able to say that certain things really hurt me and were unacceptable to me.  The anger shined bright lights on things and drove me to define things.  It was very helpful... . and it made me very uncomfortable.

"Living well is the best revenge" is not something that works for me.  It seems like a contradiction... . that the pursuit of revenge could be a core motivation for my life. 

As the panel to the right side of this page itemizes, I needed to acknowledge the hurt and the anger that was within me... . and that alone was a big life-changer for me!  I am still processing it and moving into a variety of creative actions... .

Thank you for your post!

[myself]

As someone who also doesn't often get very angry, I have been expressing some after this relationship, and it's been a surprising release for me to do so. My T even congratulated me on it. Which was strange at first, but the more I've thought about it, she's right. Who wouldn't feel upset? It's healthier to face the truth. One important lesson for me has been to learn better ways to not take it out on myself.

[coolioqq]

Anger can be a positive thing in the aftermath. If you read many of our posts here on the Leaving board, we all have a certain dose of anger in the way we talk about our relationships with our BPDexes. As I said, it can be a positive emotion in breaking the entanglement and setting up the boundaries. Like winston said, it should not be about the revenge. It should be about the fact that we let ourselves getting entangled, and having no boundaries.

I used the anger to start reconstructing the health of my ego (ego is not what it is advertised to be these days), address past issues (lack of self-esteem and pushing myself to be too accepting), etc. So, it can be a great motivator when channeled correctly.

It sounds absurd, but I am starting to think that the relationship I had with my dBPDexgf was the best thing that could ever happen to me. It was an electric-shock that completely reset my thinking patterns, my own fears and anxiety; it uncovered the issues and helped set me up on a path of addressing them. So, that my next relationship can be with a healthy person deserving of my love.

I hope your anger works in your favor as well.

[heartandwhole]

Hi LuckyNicki,

Harnessing your anger by working toward a personal goal can be very constructive and help us overcome feelings of rejection and unworthiness.  Good work!  The revenge feelings are normal, too, it's part of the healing process. 

Underneath the anger and desire for revenge is very likely a lot of hurt.  Have you been exploring that in T?

heartandwhole

[LuckyNicki]

Honestly,

I have not explored that T.  I have some friends that are therapists and they sorta put some sense into me but nothing elaborate because it's not a consistent basis. 

I feel like I may not need it.  Do u still recommend it?  I feel like I can come to acceptance on my own and feel as though I have progressed tremendously.

The only problem I'm having now is that this undiagnosed exBPDgf is apparently going through health problems.  And I keep hearing about it through mutual friends. 

It's as though she wants me to reach out or something.  I dunno.  But I get this feeling that if I do reach out to ask her about her health issues, it'll just only fill her ego. 

Recently something happened to one of her family members too so she's getting a lot of emo support from friends.

Other than that, I am at NC.  I know she's most likely all in with her ex bf.  That part still stings a bit but I am dating around and meeting a lot of new people. 

Some days I am still in shock as to all that has happened.  I am still uncertain if she's a BPD even though everything seems to fit like a T. 

My therapist friends are hesitant to say she is or not and rightfully so.  But when I mentioned it to them, they said that they have alluded it to me many times.  They definitely sense something is off about this girl. 

I've been dodging a lot of circumstances that involves her.  Right now, I don't know what to believe.   It appears as though so many bad things are happening in her life... . not sure if it's just victim playing or not.

But I do admit, it sorta keeps me held hostage in some way.  It makes me think about her and feel some compassion but after that there is anger. 

[coolioqq]

LuckyNicki, it sounds like it would make a difference for you if she would not meet the criteria for BPD. Don't forget that Ps are extremely reluctant to give this diagnosis. So, there are probably many pwBPD who do visit Ps yet go on undiagnosed for years. If you google around to find support boards for BPD sufferers, you'll see that many of them went through a lot of other PD diagnoses before they got the BPD one.

My ex was diagnosed (and she had scars, old and new to prove it). She even had a long fresh scratch at the time she told me about BPD and everything else. What difference does a diagnosis make? Not much. A dysfunctional relationship is just what the name says. For me, that is where I focus my introspection. Even if she was not diagnosed, same things would happen. I just could not make it work, even though she was very persistent in convincing me that I break NC and go back to her. I have tears in my eyes every time I remember that I left her, but it was the right thing to do, BPD diag or not. So, I think you should not focus on the diagnosis itself, as that may make you feel guilty without reason.

[LuckyNicki]

Recently something happened to one of her family members too so she's getting a lot of emo support from friends.

I am getting suspicious guys.  Something appears to happen to this girl so often.  It was apparently a stroke from her family member.  And if so, I know it would be the 2nd time this family member had it.  I heard from friends that she said that the doctors said the family member is really lucky and she's completey okay.

WTHECK.

Something is off.  This is where I runnnnnnnnnnn faster.  I don't know what to say.  Something is just OFFFFFFFFFFFF.