BPD & death. Can someone really be that heartless?

[Washisheart]

His cousin's girlfriend (also our friend) is currently in the hospital with acute kidney failure at 33 years old. She just found out yesterday only 10% of her kidney is working and she will need to be on lifelong dialysis until (if) they find a donor. (she just found out 5 years ago she was born with one kidney, plus has high blood pressure).

If this man didn't just run around the house preaching about how he doesn't care if she dies she did it to herself knowing she only had one kidney and not taking care of herself (by researching how to take care if her one kidney... . ) and she also drank on weekends when everyone hung out (like everyone else was doing ).

Can they really be that heartless that someone they know, spent time with, their cousin loves, could potentially die and they say "I don't care if they die, I feel nothing."

It's almost like alive death. When you die, your soul leaves your body. Yet he's alive, and has no soul... .

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[Samuel S.]

Your SO sounds like he is very heartless. He doesn't care. Even if she did these things to herself, to have such a heartless, stoic attitude about someone else is not helping that person at all or the others around her, like your cousin. It just makes matters worse. Is your SO going to tell her directly face to face how he feels? If he does, that is not going to help her. If he doesn't, then, he is all talk.

My BPDw is like your SO. She too is heartless. She has the philosophy of "well, everyone is going to die sooner or later." There is no emotion. This is from a woman who lost one of her daughters almost 15 years ago, and she went through all kinds of emotions. If I were to say what she says now at that time, I wouldn't be around right about now. I would be dead.

So, bottom line, your SO is trying to have you focus on him only instead of his cousin's girlfriend. It is a way for him to gather more attention on himself instead of being sensitive to the emotions and to the needs of the cousin's girlfriend. Also, like my BPDw, your SO is outright selfish.

[Washisheart]

Yea I figured about the attention thing. I told him this is not about him.

[HopefulDad]

Years ago the Boston Celtics' Reggie Lewis died of a heart attack.  Rumors came out later that it could have been triggered by a cocaine overdose.  When I mentioned this to my future wife, she said, "Good!  If you're going to be dumb and do drugs, I don't shed a tear if you die."

If only I paid attention to the signs.

[Washisheart]

I gave his autographed card :-) he was very community involved and when I was a kid used to stop by UMass Boston to meet the kids in the youth program.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing... .

[Livestrong97]

Yes, they can be.  My father died and I was 8 months pregnant.  On the plane home from his funeral, my husband split and raged over me not wanting his brother to come spend the night with his wife.  I wanted privacy and to grieve.  You can't imagine how much that hurt.   

But on the same note, my BP often shows no empathy or care/concern.  He even recently told me that my friend with cancer just "HAD to know something was wrong with her!" 

[Buttlerfly777]

Yes, they can be.  My father died and I was 8 months pregnant.  On the plane home from his funeral, my husband split and raged

My mother is very cold about death. Did not seem upset when her mother died. Is very matter of fact about it. Sometimes says things like we shouldn't let people love past 70.

My ex also. When my father died neither he nor his family really said anything to me. No nothing really. You know,  It's so disconnected.

[Haye]

Well, my SO might say something like that if he's dissociative so that the cruel and cold side of him is more out. It's a side he doesn't really like, but is unable to stop coming and going (and no, it's not two different persons). In his case it's a shield / defence against all bad things. No it's not a good one, and has caused him a lot of problems, but it used to keep him more sane. Or erm acting and appearing as more sane, albeit very cold and distant sometimes. My SO atually takes death or otherwise loosing someone very seriosly, but has doesn't show that easily. And i think it is not only "not showing" but strong emotion like mourning a death are very very difficult to him to deal with. Going cold and cruel isn't a conciouss choice, but something that happens. Unfortunately people (who don't know him deeply enough) are left with the impression that he doesn't care, is even heartless, when it's perhaps the opposite. I don't know if it applies to other BPD&PTSD's.

[Livestrong97]

Butterfly, I found your comment interesting.  My BPDh says things like "they shouldn't allow people…"  all the time.  He thinks it's his job to monitor and tell people when they are doing things wrong.  I was recently on public transportation with him and he began telling a young kid that he shouldn't be talking on the phone, giving him seething looks trying to be confrontational.  And I see a lot of road rage too.  Always has to win, be ahead.  When I saw your post, sounded like you were talking about my BPDh. 

[Washisheart]

Hate, my SO is proud of his heartlessness, thrives on it, brags about it. Everyone in his life is constantly telling me what an "a-hole" he is, from family to friends to coworkers.

My cousin died yesterday. His response when I told him (by text because he was at work) was "ok." Really? Ok? Then he came home at 5am from his shift and woke me up to complain he was hungry. I just went off on him, like I told you my cousin died and you want to complain to me about dumb stuff?

Livestrong, mine is the EXACT same way. I hate driving with him. God forbid somebody cuts him off or gets too close. He takes everything over personally like he knows these people and it's personally towards him.

He has come a long way, I can't deny that. But it just seems like lately he is on a mission to prove to everyone I don't mean anything. His friend was at my house literally 3 minutes and said "don't do that girl like that." It's so humiliating. I'm tired of fighting to save us when he doesn't even see what he's doing wrong. I feel like he's here because he knows he needs me (he does well when we're together versus foolish when we're not) but not that he is here because he loved me or wants to be with me (although he will argue that).

I just can't believe this man was my best friend for two years we were so happy and his side of the happy was all an act. Then the next 3 years have been this emotional roller coaster

[Washisheart]

Haye** sorry autocorrect

[an0ught]

Hi Washisheart,

My cousin died yesterday. His response when I told him (by text because he was at work) was "ok." Really? Ok? Then he came home at 5am from his shift and woke me up to complain he was hungry. I just went off on him, like I told you my cousin died and you want to complain to me about dumb stuff?

sorry to hear that you lost your cousin  .

Hate, my SO is proud of his heartlessness, thrives on it, brags about it. Everyone in his life is constantly telling me what an "a-hole" he is, from family to friends to coworkers.

This is really senseless behavior - it is not making him friends or getting him much except a short term macho boost through deluded thinking.  

There are two common types of problems with feeling nothing. One is the anti-social type who is able to sense emotions but is able to act in total defiance of them. And then there is the more common BPD problem which is that there are so much emotions that the person can't figure out what they are feeling but their own fight-flight system reacts on the reacts due to the high volume of emotions in overdrive and shuts down logical thinking.

Dealing with anti-social is a hard problem. From what you tell it sounds a little bit more like your H is struggling with the latter more common situation where validation and boundaries could be helping.

[SweetCharlotte]

My half-brother had the exact same kidney problem and received a kidney transplant from his wife two months ago. Both are doing well.

My uBPDh also steps back from severe health problems of extended family members by blaming it on the ill person. Keep in mind with the kidney trouble, there is the element of needing a donor, and some people distance themselves because they feel guilty for not offering to donate.