Hi. I'm new on this board

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I've finally had enough. After having moved to Sweden to be with my BPD (I didn't know he had BPD until I moved in with him) I'm throwing in the towel. It's just too hard. I've gone thru months of verbal abuse, mental abuse, fault finding, passive aggressive behavior, and game playing. I've dealt with his alcoholism, BPD, and narcissistic behavior. I'm exhausted from the emotional fallout. I am so tired of being painted black and being blamed for his bad behavior. 

For months I was on the "committed" board. I read everything about BPD, worked with the tools, and honestly did my best in trying to help him and show him love. After a torturous week two weeks ago, I moved to the undecided board. Now I'm here. He is the nastiest, meanest, most vindictive, evil person I've ever met in my life. I can not fill the empty hole that is him.

I move from being incredibly sad and lonely to being so angry I just vibrate. It is taking everything I have to process my feelings and my situation. I have nearly stopped working because I can't concentrate on a thing. I am depressed.

I moved across the Atlantic to start this wonderful new life with a guy I had known for 15 years ... . and it has all gone to hell. I sold my house, my car, my personal belongings. Gave up my career. Moved away from my sons only to move here and get spit in the face (literally). And now I face going back home to the US where I will be homeless and pretty much without a dime. This man systematically destroyed me. He knew exactly what he was doing. And I allowed it ... . despite the limits, the boundaries ... . I became his favorite whipping post.

[sadinsweden]

I've finally had enough. After having moved to Sweden to be with my BPD (I didn't know he had BPD until I moved in with him) I'm throwing in the towel. It's just too hard. I've gone thru months of verbal abuse, mental abuse, fault finding, passive aggressive behavior, and game playing. I've dealt with his alcoholism, BPD, and narcissistic behavior. I'm exhausted from the emotional fallout. I am so tired of being painted black and being blamed for his bad behavior. 

For months I was on the "committed" board. I read everything about BPD, worked with the tools, and honestly did my best in trying to help him and show him love. After a torturous week two weeks ago, I moved to the undecided board. Now I'm here. He is the nastiest, meanest, most vindictive, evil person I've ever met in my life. I can not fill the empty hole that is him.

I move from being incredibly sad and lonely to being so angry I just vibrate. It is taking everything I have to process my feelings and my situation. I have nearly stopped working because I can't concentrate on a thing. I am depressed.

I moved across the Atlantic to start this wonderful new life with a guy I had known for 15 years ... . and it has all gone to hell. I sold my house, my car, my personal belongings. Gave up my career. Moved away from my sons only to move here and get spit in the face (literally). And now I face going back home to the US where I will be homeless and pretty much without a dime. This man systematically destroyed me. He knew exactly what he was doing. And I allowed it ... . despite the limits, the boundaries ... . I became his favorite whipping post.

[LettingGo14]

Hello sadinsweden.

My heart aches knowing what you are going through right now.  I know what it feels like to feel broken and sad and angry -- "vibrating" is an excellent word to describe it.  When I stumbled to this community, I felt toxic and strung out and lost.

I don't want to be presumptuous and tell you I have answers right now, because I don't.  But, I welcome you to this board, and will be here as you process next steps in the days and months ahead.   We all "start where we are" and put one foot in front of another (and it's so much better to do it together than alone).

What are your next steps?  Are you physically safe at the moment?

[sadinsweden]

Hi LettingGo14 and thank you for your quick response. Yes I am in a safe place. I have no idea what my next step is ... .

[Surnia]

 

What a difficult step, giving up. I can so relate. We have some things in common, and I remember when you started here on board.

I am relieved you are in safety now.

Its okay to be angry and it can help you to overcome feeling depressed. Give yourself time for the next step. 

[janey62]

Hi Sad,

I really feel for you and can relate to you too.

I was in a similar state to you a few months ago.  I left my home, job, friends, son and family to go and live on a boat with my uBPDex.  He kicked me out after 2 days because I wasn't happy enough!  I had no job, no money, nowhere to live and was so full of panic that I couldn't think.  We went back and forth for a few months until I was almost broken and finally found a job in another town and could move away.  I've not seen him since.

I imagine you're feeling pretty low right now?  Have you made any friends in Sweden?  Other people are really important at this point.

I did survive and things are slowly coming together.  I found that people were very kind and somehow I managed.  I now live in a new place, have a job and am starting to rebuild my life.

It just took some time.  I put one foot in front of the other and was grateful for any tiny little good thing which happened.  

Things will get better for you, though it may not seem like it now.  You have been through a dreadful trauma and a complicated one.  I can really relate to the feeling of just 'vibrating'.  It felt to me like I was constantly in a state of bone melting panic, because I had given up my entire life to be with him.  That puts you in a terrible position and makes the whole thing so much worse than if you were at home with familiar people and things around you and the security of your job and family.

The thing I did was to just get through each day.  I needed him financially for a while and he knew that and played on it, though also felt guilty at times when he could see the position I was in.  I used him for the time I needed to so I had money for food... . though I made no secret of it.  I also tried to help and support him and was on the staying board at first, but I could see it was hopeless.  He was unravelling and I couldn't help and was just going down with him.

As soon as I could I left and got my own place and started again.  We are NC now, though it's not been long.

Where are you living?  Are you with him or have you found somewhere else?  How are you at asking for help from friends and family?  I know I was reluctant, but once I had a plan and a job offer I borrowed money from an old and dear friend who it turns out grew up with a step father with BPD.  Then I moved to a new apartment in a different town.  If you do go back to the US will you be able to stay with friends or family until you get back on your feet?  That seems like the important thing for you at the moment, to get some distance and begin to heal.

I have my independence back and you will too... .

We are here to support you Sad, you don't have to be alone.  I know what this feels like.  Keep posting and reading.



Janey xx

[sadinsweden]

I have sent an email to the American Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center. I can't believe this is happening to me.

[Surnia]

Sending you     and strength, where ever you are right now.

About DV: I think thats the hard thing, that it comes so unexpected. It can happen however to everyone of us. 

[SweetCharlotte]

How have you been, sadinsweden?

Have you been able to get yourself out of the situation?

Do you have plans to return to the US?

I hope that things have been going well, and especially that you have not been subjected to more abuse.

[Surnia]

yes, you are in my thoughts as well.

Wondering where you are.