Hope for the hopeless?

[BigInJapan]

Hello all,

First, let me say what a godsend this board has been in the few days since I've discovered it. Reading the stories that so many of you have shared ... . it's like the weight of a mountain sliding off my shoulders. I'm not alone in all this crazy!

My wife and I have been together five years -- married just over two.

She has not been diagnosed with BPD, but displays a host of BPD characteristics.

This has not been an easy union. I've gone into some detail on the welcome board, so I won't recount too much of that here.

Suffice to say there's been lots of abuse, self-harm, rages, violence, etc.

Much of the time I feel like a sewer drain for the very worst that human behavior has to offer.

I'm angry, frustrated, exhausted ... . and right on the verge of hopelessness.

That said, I want to stay committed to my wife. I want to work this out. Why I want to stay committed is another kettle of fish ... . I don't know that I can answer that question.

I guess it's simply a matter of this. "For better or worse, in sickness and in health". I meant all that. I'm not prepared to just give up.

I understand that, even with therapy, BPD can prove a lifelong challenge. I'm grappling with the fact that this marriage may never fall within a "normal" range of behavior.

For those of you in a LTR or marriage with a pwBPD, can you share any stories of hope?

I know everyone is different. I understand that what works for one couple might fall flat for another.

But any stories of hope -- anything -- would be like feast for a starving man over here. These could be stories of the pwBPD learning to better manage his / her illness, stories of how you've learned to cope in your relationship with a pwBPD, anything.

Thank you!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Welcome BigInJapan,

there is hope. Check out the thread "Success Stories" which is pinned at the top of the board. There are plenty of other success stories too.

This is not an easy path. It may take months to learn new communication skills. That can give some relief as validation soothes and avoiding invalidation removes a lot of triggers. Quite possibly a year or more may it take to put most of healthy boundaries in place. The new situation will take time again to stabilize. Most of it will be supportive for your SO and some of it may even rub off on your SO. In some cases SOs discover that the source of the problem may be between their ears and seek therapy in some cases they don't. In most cases the situation can be improved a lot by getting really good with the tools you find in the LESSONS.

It takes time and energy. Self care is very important during the whole process particularly as the drama is so convincingly distracting.

Learning that you are not alone and there is a method to the madness is great. You feel better and not alone. That won't last - only real changes bring sustainable relief. I can only encourage you to post and interact on the board here. Writing has a great benefits in clarifying our thoughts and helping us stepping out of the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

[Livestrong97]

It was only recently that I too discovered that BPD was the answer to my h issues.  Married a long time and with children, I am currently committed to staying.  Because he is high functioning and because once I almost left a few years ago he lessened the rages, which helps.  But he still yells a lot and is verbally abusive at times.  It amazes me how at times they can control it.  We lived together and I never saw this side of him until pregnant.  I have been feeling like you - "in sickness and in health…"  I've always tried to weigh staying or going on what is best for my kids.  I think it also helps knowing that when the kids are out I hope he mellows but if it's not working, then I can leave.  It has also helped me to remind myself that I always have a choice. 

Doesn't it frustrate you that to stay, we have to do a tremendous amount of work?  It can be exhausting! 

I can also say that I am so thankful to have found this site.  To share with others in the same situation instead of dumping on my friends which I did a lot of - and they couldn't really understand what I was going through anyway.  Keep using the site as it sure helps.

It has been quite a difficult marriage with many ups and downs but my h has a lot of goodness about him too so I try to remind myself of this.  Learning that his actions are not intentional also helps.  I hope that is true of your situation as well.  Good luck!