Differences between male and female BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex is a guy, and I find sometimes I cannot relate to the men on here who talk about their ex BPD girlfriends.

I wonder what if there are typical differences between men and women with BPD. My ex was also high-functioning.

He was a high functioning alcoholic, had anxiety and took Valium (and drank daily with it).

He talked all the time about how he was "so attached" to me. Sometimes I'd feel like he more attached to me rather than so in love with me.

If we'd fight and I went to sleep on the couch, he'd wake up and come beg me to come back to bed with him--like he couldn't live without me.

There was a huge mother/son dynamic where he'd call me "mama" and definitely he had a fetish for imaging that I was in a mother role and he was in a baby boy type of role.

He could definitely be verbally abusive though at times he'd talk about how he "worshipped" me and I was a "God" to him.

He had a lot of conflicting feelings about sex... . but the sex was good. He was super insecure though, and would be paranoid all the time that I was going to cheat. In fact, he said he'd never trusted a women he loved. So it was not just me.


But here is the thing... . he didn't lie and cheat. He didn't sneak around doing hard drugs. He was a PhD scientist and was successful. He had a very good relationship with his family and had a lot of good close friends. He didn't bad-mouth his ex girlfriends. There are the things I see people writing about quite a bit when talknig about females with BPD.

Thoughts?

[tango1492]

My ex is a guy, and I find sometimes I cannot relate to the men on here who talk about their ex BPD girlfriends.

I wonder what if there are typical differences between men and women with BPD. My ex was also high-functioning.

He was a high functioning alcoholic, had anxiety and took Valium (and drank daily with it).

He talked all the time about how he was "so attached" to me. Sometimes I'd feel like he more attached to me rather than so in love with me.

If we'd fight and I went to sleep on the couch, he'd wake up and come beg me to come back to bed with him--like he couldn't live without me.

There was a huge mother/son dynamic where he'd call me "mama" and definitely he had a fetish for imaging that I was in a mother role and he was in a baby boy type of role.

He could definitely be verbally abusive though at times he'd talk about how he "worshipped" me and I was a "God" to him.

He had a lot of conflicting feelings about sex... . but the sex was good. He was super insecure though, and would be paranoid all the time that I was going to cheat. In fact, he said he'd never trusted a women he loved. So it was not just me.


But here is the thing... . he didn't lie and cheat. He didn't sneak around doing hard drugs. He was a PhD scientist and was successful. He had a very good relationship with his family and had a lot of good close friends. He didn't bad-mouth his ex girlfriends. There are the things I see people writing about quite a bit when talknig about females with BPD.

Thoughts?

[GreenMango]

People with BPD share some typical behaviors whether they are male or female.  It can be on a scale.  Not every person with BPD rages or uses drugs.

Sometimes a person has subclinical traits of BPD, not the full blown BPD with the self harm, self destructive coping skills, or suicidal gestures. 

Have you read this thread? BPD: what is it? How can I tell?

[Popcorn71]

He talked all the time about how he was "so attached" to me. Sometimes I'd feel like he more attached to me rather than so in love with me.

If we'd fight and I went to sleep on the couch, he'd wake up and come beg me to come back to bed with him--like he couldn't live without me.

Same here - my ex always said that 'I was part of him' and that losing me would be 'like losing his right arm'.  He told me he would be with me until he died and that I would never get rid of him.  He said he would never want another woman and he wouldn't be able to live without me.  He also constantly told me that he loved me and also told other people.  It was almost as though he was trying to convince himself that he did love me.

He could definitely be verbally abusive though at times he'd talk about how he "worshipped" me and I was a "God" to him.

He had a lot of conflicting feelings about sex... . but the sex was good. He was super insecure though, and would be paranoid all the time that I was going to cheat.

Again, very similar.  His ex wife had cheated on him and he often hinted that he didn't really trust me not to.  He didn't like it if any other man showed a slightest bit of interest in me.

But here is the thing... . he didn't lie and cheat.

When I was with my ex I believed that too.  However, due to the speed in which I was replaced, I now doubt that was true.  I know he lied about lots of things because things have come out now that I didn't know back then.  I also know that he must have been friendly with the replacement before he left.  No way could he have got into a new serious relationship so quickly if he  didn't already know her well.

I guess they all share typical behaviours.  One of these being that they really don't give a hoot about anyone else!

[Narellan]

Yes! You describe my ex Bpd man to a tee. He never bad mouthed or talked badly about his ex partners and there were only a few. He never raged or self harmed, but he may have raged if wed been together longer. It was only 4 months. He has a huge thing for his mum. Totally idolises her, lots of our dates included seeing her as he still lives at home when not travelling( about 3 months a year) he commented a few times he loves me mothering him. He told his mum lots about me, but I don't find this odd because I've known her and the family my whole life and she was my netball coach for years as a child so I was thrilled to meet up with her again. Plus she has been supportive to me when he's away. She sings my praises so maybe that's part of why he hasn't bad mouthed me. He said he can't wait to finish his work and return to town and he and I take his parents out for dinner. Already named the restaurant . I was happy with all this i felt accepted into his world. He had no sexual hang ups it was amazing. He talks about the quickie we had with his parents in the next room as the best thing that he's experienced cos he felt like a teenager. The risky sex where we could get caught was a big thing for both of us. But he does try to recycle, and is currently publicly on FB doing that now for all to see. Posting photos of his 2 ex girls he had in the past 5 years. It's really gut wrenching to me cos he told me I'd helped him completely get over the significant one he keeps returning to. He even made his cover photo a nude of her, but only for a day then deleted it. I see him struggling a lot at the moment because he has no friends and we were very close. He rang and messaged me several times a day before pulling back and saying we're just friends. A few days before he loved me and I was made for him and he's been waiting for me his whole life. I'm still not sure how to receive him when he contacts me again, but I know he will. The other thing was when he pulls back he spends all his time with his mum. 24/7. She will always be his number 1 girl . But from what I saw of his childhood she was a great mum and very available to him, maybe not all that affectionate tho. He hss never been the type to have multiple girls on the go either, attaches to one and that's it. And he's very successful in his profession. He does smoke dope regularly which is mind altering and causes him paranoia and anxiety within our relationship.