Taking responsibility

[PinkPoker]

I've been on a long emotional journey with my male friend who I believe to have BPD.  He has become more open with me at times and seems to even realise some of his behaviour.

For example I said to him' It's almost like you have a filing cabinet in your head full of information on all our friends (his memory is incredible).  He agreed and said 'yep I'll pull out what I have against them when I need it'.  This has now left me in a situation whereby I'm becoming very guarded.  I don't want to be but I have had the silent treatment from him in the past and I know at this time he was blasting me. I said to him I shouldn't be talking to you about my boyfriend. He was saying he was glad I could and that I should. But in the past he was angry with me and told a friend all I do is air my dirty laundry.

My problem is I 'really' like him and we have some sort of connection and he knows I know 'him' and I haven't given up on him . I don't want to either but... .   I want him to take some responsibility for what we have / could have.

He knows I'm planning on leaving my boyfriend and that I'm not happy. But rather than out rightly saying 'I really like you'. 

He has said the following statements: "I might go on holiday and not come back" "I might have bowel cancer and if I do I wont have the treatment"  "I might go and live in the middle of nowhere on my own and be self sufficient" "do you know how to kill someone without getting caught? Just make sure your boyfriend has life insurance first"  "if you leave your boyfriend all your dreams will come true".

Now obviously all these comments have been said over a period of time. I'm not one to blow my own trumpet but I'd say it's his way of saying he likes me but doesn't want to admit it. Is this because he is scared of rejection?   

The thing that annoys me the most is how he expects me to ring him, text him. Do the running. If I text him about a problem he wont reply. He doesn't want anything that could result in the finger pointing at him. Everything is verbal.

Being who I am I would normally just confront the person but I know that's not as simple in this situation. Any suggestions on how I get him to take some responsibility without upsetting him our friendship?

PP x

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[yeeter]

Hi Pink,

My advice, which may not be what you want to hear is, give it time.  Just cool it for a while with the BPD friend.  Let him do his thing and keep your own boundaries and life separate from what your friendship might be with him.

Give yourself time to decide what you want to do with your boyfriend.  If you do decide to separate, DONT do it to free up time to pursue your BPD friend.  Take the time off for some work on yourself, develop your hobbies, other friends, interests, etc.  Then after some time you will learn what your BPD friend is, and is not, and can choose at some future point (a year or two from now) whether worth taking up a relationship with him.

They can be very charming and persuasive in the early days of the relationship.  But over time its tough for them to keep it up and you get to see more of what the disorder entails.  So give yourself that time.

[tired-of-it-all]

Take it from someone who has lived in the hell of a relationship with a BPDSpouse for decades:  RUN!  Don't look back.  Why do you need this kind of hell in your life?  I didn't know what BPD was.  I didn't know better until I was already tangled up and had kids.  You obviously know something about this mental illness.  If he is BPD, he doesn't know if he likes you or not.    Stop it now and don't go any further.