I am a chump

[ConverseHome]

My xBPDgf and I ended our relationship nearly four months ago. She moved out of our home in late December (we lived together for 3 years, together for a total of 6 years), after multiple shorter-term departures, or threats to leave, on her part. So, I was moving forward, working hard on myself, identifying my needs, holding up my children, dealing with the logistics of selling our home, renting a new one, and about 3 weeks ago, my xBPDgf returns. Says she'd like to "date" and that we can work on things together while living apart, and that she'd like to reconcile in some way, though not with the two of us living together.

I fell for this, oh why did I fall for this? So, the past three weeks with her seemed so real and genuine; sharing where we are, how we feel... . a kind of emotional honesty (so I thought) that reminded me, yes, of that original honeymoon period six years ago. This weekend the boys were out of town, and we spent Friday evening through Sunday morning together; lots of closeness, both emotional and physical. It was wonderfully intimate. Then, Sunday evening we go out with a group of very close friends/colleagues (we also work together), and on the way home to drop me off, about two blocks from my house, she says she wants her space, can't do this, and needs to "heal" from my (yes my) abusiveness. She then spends a long time telling me what a terrible person I am, and that she needs to be alone and "safe." I'm left right back where I was four months ago, and so many times previously.

And, if that weren't enough, she calls this morning early, says she wants to drop off a few of my things and "talk." So, like a chump (again) I say yes, and her talking is not a moment for calm, mutual understanding and some kind of respect. Instead, it was just an opportunity for her to twist the knife some more, telling me how I (yes me) need help, and she needs to not feel overwhelmed and afraid.

I, at once, feel two strong emotions. The first, is I was transported back to the place of being constantly on the defensive, of hearing (and sometimes believing) that I am the "evil," "toxic," "bad" person that she says I am. It was like getting hit with an emotional two-by-four. The second wave of feelings, though, are helping me. That is, if I ever needed a reminder of how absolutely unstable and emotionally challenged my ex is, this was it. I handed her my heart, began to let her in, and she did the same exact thing to me. Textbook, same thing.

Over the last four months, I have done some serious soul searching, and with that, I was very proud in how I didn't respond to her "painting me black" (something our couple's therapist said she was doing to me back in the fall). I remained calm, spoke to her in a respectful, thoughtful way, and took the high road. I understood, in that moment, that I deserve better. That I am decent human being who is imperfect, and that I deserve someone who understands what love is. I deserve someone who doesn't think I am a human dustbin. I deserve someone who I can trust with my heart. I can not allow this person back in my life again. I must continue to love and respect myself enough not to let this happen again.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ConverseHome, You're not a chump, so go easy on yourself.  BPD is a complex disorder and we've all done some backsliding and recycling.  Be thankful that you're not embarking on a full scale re-engagement.  Be grateful that you are out of the BPD cycle, which can keep us spinning for years (like 13 years, in my case).  Having said all that, I'm wondering why you continue to jump back in the toxic soup.  You have more control than you think, and you don't have to see her any more than you want to.  Do you want to see her?  What's stopping you from saying to yourself that you've had enough?  You don't have to subject yourself to abusive behavior.  LuckyJim

[ConverseHome]

Thanks, Lucky Jim. Despite how much I am reminding myself that I am a decent person, I am dying right now. Just overwhelmed by grief, disappointment in myself, and as you ask, why did I allow myself to go back for more? I know this is a repetition pattern deeply rooted in my own past (if I just try harder, I can fix something); and also my continued fantasy that this person will be the person I first met, whom I felt I could trust and love, and who loved me.

The profound sadness that is overwhelming me right now is, I think, rooted in your question about what is stopping me from saying I've had enough. My sadness is rooted in the fact that I am saying this to myself, and that the hope that has been flickering inside of myself for my ex, and rekindled over the last few weeks with such passion and intimacy, is extinguished. Feeling this hope vanish is excruciating. Though, I have to keep reminding myself, that over the last several months, I have lit a new candle for myself. And I have to allow this to burn more brightly, and not allow the words and actions of my ex to keep me from forging a new life for myself and my children.

At this very moment, though, I need the positive encouragement that you offer here. I need to breath in the warm, spring air and know that I have a future without my ex, and one that is beautiful and calm and positive. It is one where I am valued for being the decent, imperfect, loving human being that I am. I know it is there, awaiting me, and I have to keep focusing on this, and on the very real steps that I have been taking to get myself to this place.

[Rojo]

I Know the feeling. I did the exact same thing and it is brutal. I finally accepted the end, her being with someone weeks out. I was a mess, and then decided enough. The entire summer worked on myself, meditation, working out, new friends casual dating, I was feeling alive again. Then one phone call from her saying she misses me. Same as you, we can date but not live together was an idea she loved. I was sucked back in and I know the euphoria of the new honeymoon as well. 1 month later I am not meeting her needs, and she is on a dating site, which she probably had always been on. I feel for you brother, I was broken for a second time, this time far worse. I am mostly upset with myself for not saying no, after being treated like dirt. She laughed in my face as I professed love for her, and yet I still went back. I am learning to forgive myself for this whole experience, all I know is zero contact with her is the best way for me to be healthy. I wish you the best.

[heartandwhole]

Hi ConverseHome,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this again, that is so, so painful.  It's perfectly understandable to feel overwhelmed with grief – this is a big loss, and most likely triggered other losses in your life besides this relationship alone.    Be very gentle with yourself.  Of course you wanted to try again, that is very human. I've been there, and so have many of our members.  You are far from alone in that.

It's great that you are seeing that you, in all your perfect imperfection, deserve to be loved and cherished. Remind yourself every day.  And mourn the times you experienced the opposite. By focusing on your healing, your reality will change. Unfortunately, your ex can't sustain the kind of relationship that you want and need.  That is sad, so let yourself grieve that.  Feel it, write about it, if you can.  We're here, and listening.  

[oldweasel]

I know how it feels, ConverseHome. I was in a 7 year marriage to my ex and did the recycle mambo for nearly 3 years after that. I went so far as towing her car to my house after she hit a parked car and left the scene... . she was leaving another gu's house. Then when the cops showed up, she gave them a sob story and told them the reason she hit the car was because she dropped her phone and was reaching for it... . she was drunk out of her mind! I waen to far as to talk the cops out of giving her a DUI (somehow, IDK). I look back on that and realize that I could have been in cuffs too for aiding her in leaving the scene. Oh, the things we do when we're wrapped around their fingers.

"I deserve better. That I am decent human being who is imperfect, and that I deserve someone who understands what love is. I deserve someone who doesn't think I am a human dustbin. I deserve someone who I can trust with my heart. I can not allow this person back in my life again. I must continue to love and respect myself enough not to let this happen again."

I'm with you man, we all do. Hang in there!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Converse, It's OK to feel sad, so allow yourself to experience the grief.  I understand your need to second guess yourself like a Monday morning quarterback, but the sad fact is that few BPD relationships are built for the long haul and it's doubtful that anything you might have done differently would have made a significant change in the outcome.  So allow yourself to feel like you're going to die, but know that you're on a much better path.  LuckyJim

[ConverseHome]

Thank you, everyone, for your words of wisdom, support, and encouragement.

It has been a very, very rough day. I teach, and ended class early today, feeling my head pounding and my heart sinking with heaviness. I went outside for a walk, had a cigarette (I know, not a good coping strategy, but today's not the day to quit), and felt the warm, spring breeze wash over me. It felt good to be alive, and seeing the buds, finally, after the winter of my discontent made me think of the miracles of rejuvenation that come each and every year.

Lucky Jim, your point that "it's doubtful that anything you might have done differently would have made a significant change in the outcome," and the points that forming a lasting, fulfilling relationship based on mutual respect, honesty, and love is a near-impossible fantasy with someone like my ex, are sinking in - truly sinking in - for the first time. Through the pain I can see this.

I will keep reminding myself that I am a decent and imperfect human being who deserves to be loved, as opposed to someone who "earned," in my ex's words, being left, again, because I am such a "evil, toxic, and pathological" person. Before my ex, I never even heard someone use such language, or describe anyone, let alone their partner, in such terms. Indeed, just writing those words, and hearing her saying it to me just this morning, makes me realize I must move forward for myself and a peaceful and loving future that I, and everyone here, deserves to have.