Broke NC - sharing my fears and shame

[LettingGo14]

I am struggling, and want to share with the group. 

Yesterday, one of the first truly warm days on the East Coast, I noticed a garden my ex-girlfriend planted in my yard a year ago beginning to bloom.  I took a photo of it and e-mailed it to her and asked if there was a way we could talk.   (This was first contact since 2/26.). I sent a second note begging for acknowledgement, and then a third crying for anything.

To her credit, and with grace, she informed me via email this morning that my attempts at contact felt manipulative.  And that, yes, she has "moved on" because it is "for the best."   She believes that everything happens for a reason and that someday I will likely figure it out.

I thanked her for her reply and apologized for emailing.

Then I sat in my own shame and sorrow.

I know, intellectually, that I am "clinging" to a fantasy of her because I have a fear of abandonment.  I know that I am using her rejection to keep myself stuck because there is some sort of "pay off" in it for me---circling my suffering, ego clinging.

I read this quote this morning, "Fear in life is fear of change.  Most people do not want to change.  They hold fast to their ideas of themselves, to their interpretations of how things are, to their grievances, their anxieties, their identities, their pain."

I want to crack open this pain.   I want to enter the abandonment depression, feel it, and move through it.

I am sharing because I can't do it without this community.  Thank you all for being here for me.

[seeking balance]

Well LG - I hate to break it to you, but you are human 

All of us here have had the version where we were in pain and we reached out to one of your pain sources for comfort - is it rational... . nope - but we ALL have done it until we are done doing it.

So, this is a gauge for you  - nothing more and nothing less.  Shame is a dangerous emotion - what do you feel shame about?

Crack the pain?... . hon, you are going to have to feel it all - no shortcut or easy button on that... . but you are not alone. 

What emotion did you feel when you saw the garden in bloom?  Can you identify it?

[LettingGo14]

Well Shame is a dangerous emotion - what do you feel shame about?

Thank you, SB.  The shame relates to the 4-year relationship, which was filled with drama and recycles.   When I was abandoned for the last time, last November, I clung to the idea that I could "fix" something - me, or us.  When I found this community, I was strung out and lost, but I finally found a "map" that gave me some understanding (and the ability to breathe again). 

Shame is tricky -- and scary.  I felt shamed that I reached out, shamed that I was called manipulative, and shamed that I took ten steps back.

But, I am grateful this is not a recycle.  I am grateful she has moved on, and I am grateful I have a place to turn in this community.

Crack the pain?... . hon, you are going to have to feel it all - no shortcut or easy button on that... . but you are not alone. 

What emotion did you feel when you saw the garden in bloom?  Can you identify it?

Oddly, the emotion was love.  The garden was a disaster last year.  Yet, the seeds planted then emerged now.   It made me happy, and longing for what I imagined we "could" be.  The truth, however, is that we did not have a stable relationship.

Under the love, I found the fear.  Under the fear, I felt the alone.  And in the alone, I felt the pain of abandonment.

I appreciate your perspective and support. 

Thank you.

[seeking balance]

Shame is tricky -- and scary.  I felt shamed that I reached out, shamed that I was called manipulative, and shamed that I took ten steps back.

But, I am grateful this is not a recycle.  I am grateful she has moved on, and I am grateful I have a place to turn in this community.

I am going to push you on this one - recycling is not possible we won't go back... . are you feeling shame because you would go back if she asked?

No judgement - either way... . being honest with ourselves is how we can start to be free.

Oddly, the emotion was love.  The garden was a disaster last year.  Yet, the seeds planted then emerged now.   It made me happy, and longing for what I imagined we "could" be.  The truth, however, is that we did not have a stable relationship.

Under the love, I found the fear.  Under the fear, I felt the alone.  And in the alone, I felt the pain of abandonment.

This is not odd - you loved her.  I loved mine too... . so next time you feel love, what can you do differently?

[LettingGo14]

I am going to push you on this one - recycling is not possible we won't go back... . are you feeling shame because you would go back if she asked?

No judgement - either way... . being honest with ourselves is how we can start to be free.

No.  I have decided I cannot go back.  I am ashamed because I walked through the boundaries I established for myself.   I am ashamed because I needed a "fix" -- some contact with her to affirm my worth.    

This is the relationship that took me back to the core wounds.  The FOO stuff.  It shames me that I could not give myself that "fix" of self-worth.

This is not odd - you loved her.  I loved mine too... . so next time you feel love, what can you do differently?

I need to recognize my triggers.   I guess, if I "feel the feeling, and lose the story" then I will be able to sit with the emotion and be grateful for it.   I could subliminate into something creative or healthy or for others.

Thank you for pushing me SB.   I am grateful.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm so sorry LG14, I can relate and have and am where you are! Oddly enough the garden here where we planted "bargains" that were essentially dead are growing wildly! I too wanted to text a photo but I stopped myself, THIS time, but I've done exactly what you did.

I guess I've just been burned so many times I was able to not do it, but the love isn't gone.

I don't believe it will ever be gone... . what has changed is my hope, my hope is gone, it's profoundly sad.  Monday's have become horrible, just figured out why so there's more change in store for me.

Hang in there, and dig deep, (pun intended  ) and find what it is you are feeling for real as SB asks, it's rarely that we want to be hurt again, but something much much more from long ago.

Big hugs to you!

CiF

[LettingGo14]

I guess I've just been burned so many times I was able to not do it, but the love isn't gone.

I don't believe it will ever be gone... . what has changed is my hope, my hope is gone, it's profoundly sad.  Monday's have become horrible, just figured out why so there's more change in store for me.

Thank you so much for your compassion CiF.  I definitely return it to you with gratitude.  You give me hope, and I hope I can do the same for you.  We are putting one foot in front of the other.   ":)etachment leads to freedom".

[Cardinals in Flight]

I guess I've just been burned so many times I was able to not do it, but the love isn't gone.

I don't believe it will ever be gone... . what has changed is my hope, my hope is gone, it's profoundly sad.  Monday's have become horrible, just figured out why so there's more change in store for me.

Thank you so much for your compassion CiF.  I definitely return it to you with gratitude.  You give me hope, and I hope I can do the same for you.  We are putting one foot in front of the other.   ":)etachment leads to freedom".

I'm really really counting on it! Hardest thing I've ever done  :'(

[seeking balance]

This is the relationship that took me back to the core wounds.  The FOO stuff.  It shames me that I could not give myself that "fix" of self-worth.

Good job digging deep - so, that FOO stuff... . shame for - being human and not perfect?

Forgiveness to that little part inside that took the "fix"... . it is a process, not perfection.  I have a feeling you won't be doing this same thing next year - be gentle with yourself, be disciplined as you can, but if you mess up in your eyes - be gentle - don't beat up Little LG anymore than he is already feeling pretty crappy.

I need to recognize my triggers.   I guess, if I "feel the feeling, and lose the story" then I will be able to sit with the emotion and be grateful for it.  

Not sure if you read or watched Eat, Pray, Love - chic flick

But, there is a part where she let's go of her exh with love, a very touching scene around the wedding dance on a rooftop.

Getting to gratitude takes time realizing love - or at least it has for me.  I am happy to say I am ok feeling love and not reacting in a way that hurts anyone around me - my default was anger - so progress not perfection for us all here.

Emotions are tricky things - recognizing them is one thing, then being able to sit with them and NOT react is an entirely different can of worms.

Give yourself the time LG.

[myself]

It was an image of new growth. You felt to share it. That's beautiful. It also shows you have your garden now, and she has hers. Different light conditions, different precipitation, different plots, different plants. The way to stop circling the pains you're holding onto is to break the patterns. Which you already know, just a reminder. Perhaps change is not as much a trigger but a way to face what we can leave behind. To make better sense of where we are now. I think it's positive you appreciated what you saw. Boundaries not only show us what we need to be careful of, and what to keep out, but also what we're good at, what we care about. None of this is set in stone. Flowers do reach out from between the cracks.

[Waifed]

Sorry to hear this Letting Go.  It is painful to hear from someone you love that they have moved on.  This is one of the things about BPD that I do not understand.  So many say that detachment is difficult for a pwBPD and they never let go yet there are so many of us on here that seem to have more trouble moving on than our pwBPD.  

I have not tried to contact my ex but I have fought the urge in the past more than once, mainly because I was afraid I would get a response similar to yours and I know that would have crushed me.  Maybe this will help you close the door on your ex and push you to want to face your fears and shame.  I am 7 months out and I was scared to death to face this, but after 7 months of therapy I have become much less codependent.  I have learned to live alone and am aware of the moments when I slip back into my codependent mode.  I have been dealing with the shame that I acquired as a child and it is liberating but I still have moments that I miss the feeling that I had when I was with my ex.  It is not so much about her but the fear that I will never have those deep feelings of love that I had for her.  There is still work to do.  Hang in there and keep in mind that we all eventually come out of this and are generally better people for it if we do the work that we need to do to improve ourselves.

[HappyNihilist]

I'm so sorry, LettingGo. But I agree with others who've posted here -- go easy on yourself. You were inspired by something beautiful that made you think of what "could" have been. There's no shame in that at all.

Here's something that might work for you; it's worked for me in the past. Look at yourself as a separate person, and... . forgive yourself. I imagine you'd never be as hard on anyone else as you are on yourself, correct? Take your love, compassion, kindness, and forgiveness, and turn it to yourself.

We make mistakes. We disappoint ourselves. We have a hard time letting go. We get sad and lonely and afraid. We have to be gentle with ourselves. It's OK to be human. It's OK to want to reach out to somebody you loved/love.

Like you said, identify your triggers. Have a plan in place for how to deal with the emotions and urges when you're triggered. Hide your phone from yourself if you have to.   But don't beat yourself up. We all stumble along our way. You are strong enough to get through this. 

[coolioqq]

LG, I really feel your pain. In part, because it has and is still happening in me, but also because some people (I am talking about nons specifically) can really feel pain more deeply than others. I'd say most (all?) of us on these boards.

I'll push you a bit here so that you can grow and learn from this experience... . By now, you probably realize that you too have some triggers that you are dwelling on. You are doing the opposite of what pwBPD do (no wonder there, you're a non )... . PwBPD run away, whenever they can, from triggers. While us, we ruminate and immerse ourselves in everything that can even remotely remind us of our BPDexes. I argue that we have it more difficult than our exes. Even though I was the one to break up with my dBPDexgf, I can guarantee you with my life that I had it several times harder than she did. She can turn her emotions off; I can't. She can split me black; I can't. She can rebound; I won't. She said she doesn't know what she feels about me, then she gave me "I love you" lip service once NC started and she knew I would not respond anymore; I love her... .

Now that you read what I wrote, and I also read what I wrote, do you see who protects themselves better? I have been destroying myself. She was back to looking for dates on day one after she realized I wasn't going to break NC. Do you think she thinks about me as much as I do? All that said, would you say she is crazy (remember, she is diagnosed), or is it me who is crazy? :-)

Try to hide all triggering things, at least for a while. I don't know, buy a panel and hide your view of that part of the garden. Take a vacation if you can. Do something, something to protect and preserve yourself. Do the same thing that she did... . You owe it to yourself, man. And consider the idea that just maybe you were in love with your love for her... . I am slowly realizing that could have been the case for me.

Another thing - I find the Personal Inventory board extremely enlightening. I would suggest you go there and read up a bit, if you didn't already. Oh, and while there, if you know your MBTI, take the poll: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223582.0. I firmly believe that personality types influence a whole range of things from how we got into these relationships to how we grieve for them. I happen to belong to the "worst" type in terms of pretty much everything that arises from a relationship with pwBPD... . Tough luck, but learning is the key to changing!

[LettingGo14]

Perhaps change is not as much a trigger but a way to face what we can leave behind. To make better sense of where we are now. I think it's positive you appreciated what you saw. Boundaries not only show us what we need to be careful of, and what to keep out, but also what we're good at, what we care about. None of this is set in stone. Flowers do reach out from between the cracks.

Thank you, myself.  Detaching is a process for sure.  I appreciate your comments, and perspective.

Maybe this will help you close the door on your ex and push you to want to face your fears and shame.  I am 7 months out and I was scared to death to face this, but after 7 months of therapy I have become much less codependent.  I have learned to live alone and am aware of the moments when I slip back into my codependent mode.  I have been dealing with the shame that I acquired as a child and it is liberating but I still have moments that I miss the feeling that I had when I was with my ex.  It is not so much about her but the fear that I will never have those deep feelings of love that I had for her.  There is still work to do.  Hang in there and keep in mind that we all eventually come out of this and are generally better people for it if we do the work that we need to do to improve ourselves.

Thanks for your comments, waifed.  I do agree that we can come through this stronger.  I feel like I have been disassembled, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to put the pieces back together again.

We make mistakes. We disappoint ourselves. We have a hard time letting go. We get sad and lonely and afraid. We have to be gentle with ourselves. It's OK to be human. It's OK to want to reach out to somebody you loved/love.

Like you said, identify your triggers. Have a plan in place for how to deal with the emotions and urges when you're triggered. Hide your phone from yourself if you have to.   But don't beat yourself up. We all stumble along our way. You are strong enough to get through this. 

Thanks, HN.  These are good reminders.  I'm really grateful to have this community.

Another thing - I find the Personal Inventory board extremely enlightening. I would suggest you go there and read up a bit, if you didn't already. Oh, and while there, if you know your MBTI, take the poll: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223582.0. I firmly believe that personality types influence a whole range of things from how we got into these relationships to how we grieve for them. I happen to belong to the "worst" type in terms of pretty much everything that arises from a relationship with pwBPD... . Tough luck, but learning is the key to changing!

Thanks coolioqq.  The Personal Inventory board is definitely helpful, and I'm all in.   Your comments are much appreciated.