Frustrations

[Elfie]

Hi everyone... . it's been quite a while since I've posted here. I have an uBPD brother, age 20.

Lately I've been struggling with the fact that it feels much of the time like I don't even have a brother (he lives several hours away). We never talk, and I don't initiate anything because I'm sick of him putting on a front and feeling like he's lying whenever he talks to me. My parents talk to him, but I feel like he lies to them, too (they're somewhat aware of this, but sort of "take what they can get" in terms of communication).

I don't think my mom has BPD traits necessarily, but she definitely has mood swings and will change her mind very quickly... . for instance, she'll find out something about my brother (like that he was lying about being in contact with his old, toxic girlfriend) and immediately type out a very harsh letter telling him they're cutting off all contact with him (which, of course, will just make him angry and blow the whole situation up). So then I come in and "fix" things by talking her down and rephrasing what she wants to say in better terms. It doesn't happen too often, but it's exhausting nonetheless. It feels like a blowup of some sort is just around the corner.

Now my parents are acting like my brother is going to come live with them for a while... . after vowing multiple times in the past that he would never stay at their house again (he's put holes through the walls, smoked in the house, punched out through window screens, come back at all hours, hung out with questionable people). I find myself becoming more apt to just throw up my hands and walk away from it all.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here... . just frustrated and feeling like no one understands.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Elfie,

I'm glad you decided to post. Relationships with family members who have BPD are exhausting and confusing--I can understand why you're feeling frustrated. We definitely understand here. 

So then I come in and "fix" things by talking her down and rephrasing what she wants to say in better terms. It doesn't happen too often, but it's exhausting nonetheless. It feels like a blowup of some sort is just around the corner.

What would happen if you decided not to "fix it" anymore? Have you thought about what your boundaries are? I really learned a lot from this workshop. Maybe it would be helpful to you, too--have you seen it?BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Wishing you peace,

PF