I actually convinced my father to get help

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I've been basically NC with my dad since October last year, aside from a phone call at Christmas and on my birthday about a week ago (which I only answered so that the phone would stop ringing). It was around that time I finally signed up here and started writing an email to him explaining why I wasn't talking to him, since he seemed to think that if he pretended like everything was fine and sent enough gifts that things would go back to how they always were. I spent a lot of time debating whether or not to tell him about what his best friend had observed about his behavior, but I decided to leave that out since he is really the only person left that dad is close to and didn't want to put his last remaining lifeline at risk.

And it worked! He hasn't responded to my email, but he did call his friend who mailed me to tell me that we finally convinced him that he needs help. He's going to go see his doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist. I'm not expecting our relationship to become close again anytime soon, but it's such a relief that he's finally getting help. He's burned so many bridges that if rock bottom was any further down, it would have been in a cardboard box under a bridge or a jail cell.

[MyLifeNow]

I've been basically NC with my dad since October last year, aside from a phone call at Christmas and on my birthday about a week ago (which I only answered so that the phone would stop ringing). It was around that time I finally signed up here and started writing an email to him explaining why I wasn't talking to him, since he seemed to think that if he pretended like everything was fine and sent enough gifts that things would go back to how they always were. I spent a lot of time debating whether or not to tell him about what his best friend had observed about his behavior, but I decided to leave that out since he is really the only person left that dad is close to and didn't want to put his last remaining lifeline at risk.

And it worked! He hasn't responded to my email, but he did call his friend who mailed me to tell me that we finally convinced him that he needs help. He's going to go see his doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist. I'm not expecting our relationship to become close again anytime soon, but it's such a relief that he's finally getting help. He's burned so many bridges that if rock bottom was any further down, it would have been in a cardboard box under a bridge or a jail cell.

[clljhns]

MyLifeNow,

Congratulations! I know this must bring a great deal of relief and anticipation for you! I do hope that this will bring about the healing and peace for you and your father that I know you want.

[Rapt Reader]

Wow, MyLifeNow! That is great 

The first step to understanding and maybe recovery for him, and the first step to something of a possible better relationship with your father, for you.

Everything good starts with that first baby step... . The "Tiny Little Changes" that Valerie Porr talks about in her book "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder". I know that I live for those, and value them fondly when sometimes things take that one step back (like they do!). Congratulations for your success 

[MyLifeNow]

I may have been a little too optimistic. He finally emailed me the other day to tell me what his best friend told me, and that he's attempting to get on the insurance plan at work that covers up to $1000 a year for therapy. That's not much, but if he cut down the booze a little he could get one session a month. Better than nothing. The big "but" here is that he seems to once again not remember doing anything wrong. During our initial exchange last fall where I decided to seriously cut down our contact he said something that really made me worry.

So, a little backstory. When I was around 12 years old (about 4 years after mom left) his lack of an intimate partner was starting to make his behavior a little more erratic, since the only person he had to help manage his emotional state was an abused kid. He got that dark, scary look in his eyes that he gets today when he attempts to verbally destroy me for no apparent reason or tries to pick fights with strangers out in public. He stormed out of the house to get in the car, and then blasted down the driveway at such a speed that had someone been driving by, there would have been a serious accident. In the process... . he ran over my cat. Our cats were the only part of my family life that was safe and stable so this was pretty devastating. His behavior immediately changed and he went more into the scared kid mode, and took me downtown to get some cake. While we were eating he told me this story of how he came home before I was born to find mom preparing to jump off the balcony. About 14 years later when I flew across the country to visit mom for the first time in almost 10 years, we were discussing his alcoholism. She told me the same story with him on the balcony. It seems like he was looking to me for comfort by sharing his encounter with suicide, but had to transfer that act to mom because the emotions were still too strong. (and what the heck, telling your 12 year old kid, "Hey by the way, your mom tried to off herself 20 years ago but I saved her"

Anyway, this is what he said - "you are my son and ever will be. Until I end my life. It will be clean though, as has been my life in my generation. You expect different responses from folks whom have never faced the wall."

So naturally I replied to him, explaining my knowledge of the situation and that if he was in fact having suicidal thoughts to call someone. Now somehow he thinks that I got this idea from him telling me he's had his cross to bear. Here is where it gets good. He thinks that his failure was in not having a wife at home to play the role of mother and to show me the importance in a relationship of date night. Apparently this is why he went out boozing with his buddies leaving me alone at home at the age of 10, so that I would see the importance of date night. And if his buddies weren't available he'd find some other reason to leave me alone and come back pretending he had been out with them. Immediately prior to this revelation he tells me about several high paying jobs that he turned down because they required travel and he wanted to be home for me. After telling me this he asks me what issues he should discuss at his first session.

I don't think he's ready for therapy at all, and that he's only doing it because he thinks that jumping through that hoop will get me back into his life. I wrote back a longish reply that clearly explained the situation again, where the suicide fears came from, how his behavior is the same as what mom experienced / how it affected me, and that what he needs to do is take an honest accounting of his life. The failed relationships, repeated DUIs, lost jobs, lack of contact with any family members. My hope is that if he can actually get an honest look at where his life is at and knows that it can be changed, he'll actually take it seriously and tell these things to his therapist. At the very least, he may print out the email and take it with him.

I wasn't expecting any serious changes to occur for at least a year, but it's kind of disappointing for him to back to acting like he doesn't know about anything being wrong in our relationship so quickly. I'm also rather annoyed that even with such limited contact I continue to be parentified.

[P.F.Change]

I wasn't expecting any serious changes to occur for at least a year, but it's kind of disappointing for him to back to acting like he doesn't know about anything being wrong in our relationship so quickly. I'm also rather annoyed that even with such limited contact I continue to be parentified.

Denial is a big part of this disorder. Your father will have to want to get into treatment and do the work in order for it to be effective. Many people with BPD and NPD find it too difficult to admit there is anything about their behavior that needs to change, which means many don't go to therapy or remain there.

If your father has always parentified you, it is likely he will continue to parentify you unless and until he decides to get help to change that. The amount of contact you have with him will not change him, your boundaries won't change him, your hope that he will want to get help won't change him--as painful as it is, it's just not in your power to make him different. Radical Acceptance for family members helped me a lot to come to terms with the fact that my mother is who she is and I can't change her. I can only change my own thoughts and behaviors.

What are your needs right now?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[MyLifeNow]

Update: He replied back and spent all his time nitpicking over trivial details to prove that events before I was born never happened, (ie: the suicide attempt was in Toronto not Ottawa, therefore it was mom who was suicidal not him). He had seemed very willing to get help until I had contact with him, which sent him straight into hardcore denial and probably undid all the progress that had been made.

Over the years he managed to completely demolish our family, so right now my needs are really to work on restoring my ability to reach out to and connect with people so that I can build a family of my own some day. Being in contact with him seems to just undermine that, and trying to help him just dredges up really painful memories and anger over his denial of the events behind them. I was very nearly in tears after our conversation had me recalling some of the things he did to me over 20 years ago and then he acts like I have some reason to make these things up.

Unfortunately, it seems like the best thing for the both of us is if we simply don't have any contact.

[clljhns]

Oh, MyLifeNow,

I am so sorry. I know how much you needed your dad to hear you and validate you. I have to share with you a similar experience. 

When I confronted my dad about all of the abuse, he acknowledged some of it, and didn't deny or confirm other situations of abuse. It was just enough in the moment that he acknowledged the physical abuse by my mother. His response was "I tried to talk to her about that", fell short of the mark that I had hoped for, but held on to a glimmer of hope that we could work from that point. My oldest sister couldn't stand being without her parents, and after almost a year of NC, she returned and recanted everything. She even went so far as to say that we all lied! Needless to say, this was all the validation they needed and last I heard, they have denied everything. Even the story my mother told my sisters about catching my father molesting me. They both deny any physical abuse, even though we kids witnessed/were victims of the abuse.

All I can say is that it saddens me for them because they have a much heavier burden to carry than I do. I gave it all back to them, because I was not the initiator nor the owner of their actions.

"Over the years he managed to completely demolish our family, so right now my needs are really to work on restoring my ability to reach out to and connect with people so that I can build a family of my own some day. Being in contact with him seems to just undermine that, and trying to help him just dredges up really painful memories and anger over his denial of the events behind them."

I think this a healthy and positive perspective on the situation. We may be born into a family, but that doesn't mean they are our family of choice. I have created my own family through the close friends I have. I must say it is so nice to be loved unconditionally, no strings attached, and lots of validation!

I know you will find this family of choice and receive the love, respect, and validation you so deserve!

Peace and blessings