Friendship, a toxic mirage

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I posted yesterday about my xBPDgf, so won't repeat the recent series of events, other than to say I was recycled for several weeks, spent an emotionally and physically intimate weekend with my ex, then on Sunday night, a few blocks from my house where she was to drop me off, she discards me, again. Says she can't handle our relationship; wants distance; doesn't feel safe, etc. Then proceeds to devalue me with the same lines about how "evil" and "toxic" I am; full-on painting me black, and that I'm the one who needs a year of serious therapy. She seems to have a year in her head as to when I would find my emotional cure.

So, almost on cue, I get email from her late yesterday. Says she didn't mean she didn't ever want to see me, just that she doesn't want us to be a couple, and doesn't want to sleep together anymore, but wants to be friends. For those who have posted recently and in the past about this question, just being friends, my view is run, put on your track shoes and run. As much as you want to believe that they are capable of friendship, they are not. It's a way of hanging on so that when their emotions turn to needing someone, to not feeling so abandoned (despite having caused it themselves), they'll pull you off the shelf and do it again, until they feel engulfed and then they drop you like a hot potato, though not before devaluing you, because that's how they can rationalize their cruel behavior.

Friendship is not unlike an intimate relationship. It is built on trust, honest, and loyalty, among other things. At least my BPDex is incapable of truly living these qualities, despite her own self-image as someone who is honest, trustworthy and loyal. Perhaps it's rationalization on my part to help heal my heart, though I genuinely believe that she lacks any self-awareness, that she believes the self-image she has constructed, as well as the narratives (however limited basis they have in reality) that she has constructed for herself, her family, and anyone else who wants to listen about what a victim she is, and how awful I am. It's on this crucial point that she will never change, because to change means that one has the capacity to recognize behavior patterns that are destructive to oneself and to others around them.

I did not respond to her email, and nor will I. I love myself too much now, in a way that I didn't during the six years that I was with this person who is so very troubled. I have come to realize that a friendship with her would be another form of a toxic mirage, with me grasping for an imaginative relationship, and partner, that never truly existed in the first place.

[ConverseHome]

I posted yesterday about my xBPDgf, so won't repeat the recent series of events, other than to say I was recycled for several weeks, spent an emotionally and physically intimate weekend with my ex, then on Sunday night, a few blocks from my house where she was to drop me off, she discards me, again. Says she can't handle our relationship; wants distance; doesn't feel safe, etc. Then proceeds to devalue me with the same lines about how "evil" and "toxic" I am; full-on painting me black, and that I'm the one who needs a year of serious therapy. She seems to have a year in her head as to when I would find my emotional cure.

So, almost on cue, I get email from her late yesterday. Says she didn't mean she didn't ever want to see me, just that she doesn't want us to be a couple, and doesn't want to sleep together anymore, but wants to be friends. For those who have posted recently and in the past about this question, just being friends, my view is run, put on your track shoes and run. As much as you want to believe that they are capable of friendship, they are not. It's a way of hanging on so that when their emotions turn to needing someone, to not feeling so abandoned (despite having caused it themselves), they'll pull you off the shelf and do it again, until they feel engulfed and then they drop you like a hot potato, though not before devaluing you, because that's how they can rationalize their cruel behavior.

Friendship is not unlike an intimate relationship. It is built on trust, honest, and loyalty, among other things. At least my BPDex is incapable of truly living these qualities, despite her own self-image as someone who is honest, trustworthy and loyal. Perhaps it's rationalization on my part to help heal my heart, though I genuinely believe that she lacks any self-awareness, that she believes the self-image she has constructed, as well as the narratives (however limited basis they have in reality) that she has constructed for herself, her family, and anyone else who wants to listen about what a victim she is, and how awful I am. It's on this crucial point that she will never change, because to change means that one has the capacity to recognize behavior patterns that are destructive to oneself and to others around them.

I did not respond to her email, and nor will I. I love myself too much now, in a way that I didn't during the six years that I was with this person who is so very troubled. I have come to realize that a friendship with her would be another form of a toxic mirage, with me grasping for an imaginative relationship, and partner, that never truly existed in the first place.

[Fool for Love]

Awesome Post ! I truly think that with a person with BPD you can never be "friends" after a romantic relationship ... They didn't respect us enough when together as a couple... they damn sure wont respect you enough as "friends" .

[LettingGo14]

I did not respond to her email, and nor will I. I love myself too much now, in a way that I didn't during the six years that I was with this person who is so very troubled. I have come to realize that a friendship with her would be another form of a toxic mirage, with me grasping for an imaginative relationship, and partner, that never truly existed in the first place.

I very much appreciate your post, and want to affirm the value of boundaries -- for your health.    I have gone in and out of the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).    Thanks for your articulate and strong message.

[Changingman]

Exactly Converse,

Friendship IS an intimate relationship, it has boundaries that make it special, no boundaries makes it a game of control. Push/pull.

The BPD personality always seems to have previous boyfriends/girlfriends hanging around with very loose boundaries. You can become one of those. Who would want to be? It's up to each of us to decide what their boundaries are! Personally I think the same as the relationship you already had, but with even less benefits, ie humiliation, drama, crazy making, crisis, betrayal, addiction, abuse. I can now see her exBoyfriends were treated terribly by her and were used to make me jealous.

Not for me.

[lemon flower]

Awesome Post ! I truly think that with a person with BPD you can never be "friends" after a romantic relationship ... They didn't respect us enough when together as a couple... they damn sure wont respect you enough as "friends" .

what is friendship ? can it be defined so that it works for everyone, at all times, in all situations ?

I want to believe I can stay friends with my ex, and I do feel a positive evolution since the breaking-up until now  

though it will never be a "normal" friendship, and boundaries are a hot issue, over and over again, I now start to feel more relaxed when we're together, and I know I'm doing the right thing at this moment, keeping in  mind that it can come to an end any time... .

staying "friends" is a choice, just like lots of people here choose to staying in their r/s, there are no certainties but there are no rules either  

however I would really like to hear from other people here that I'm not the only one, some positive stories would be heart-warming... .

[numb_buddha]

Awesome Post ! I truly think that with a person with BPD you can never be "friends" after a romantic relationship ... They didn't respect us enough when together as a couple... they damn sure wont respect you enough as "friends" .

what is friendship ? can it be defined so that it works for everyone, at all times, in all situations ?

I want to believe I can stay friends with my ex, and I do feel a positive evolution since the breaking-up until now  

though it will never be a "normal" friendship, and boundaries are a hot issue, over and over again, I now start to feel more relaxed when we're together, and I know I'm doing the right thing at this moment, keeping in  mind that it can come to an end any time... .

staying "friends" is a choice, just like lots of people here choose to staying in their r/s, there are no certainties but there are no rules either  

however I would really like to hear from other people here that I'm not the only one, some positive stories would be heart-warming... .

Gosh I wish I could go that route sometimes, but I don't think I'd be the one up for it.

Romantic relationships are, when healthy, friendships at their core. I feel we already tried out being friends and found that it could not work. I also saw how easily she could push anyone out of her life. In theory I'd like to say she and I could one day be friends again, but I'm fairly certain that's a pie-in-the-sky fantasy of mine. My work is accepting the fact that this just won't work, not as lovers and, by extension, certainly not as 'friends'.

[heartandwhole]

In my situation, pwBPD and I tried to be friends 3 different times, and each time, we failed, and that was starting from when we first met. 

After the last breakup, I knew it would be impossible to be friends.  At least I could trust that decision, because I had already had the "proof" to back it up.  It was definitely the right decision for me, but each person/situation is different.

Like others have said, I think boundaries become all important when attempting to be friends after a very enmeshed and/or trauma-bonded romantic relationship.

[Billa]

For those who have posted recently and in the past about this question, just being friends, my view is run, put on your track shoes and run. As much as you want to believe that they are capable of friendship, they are not. It's a way of hanging on so that when their emotions turn to needing someone, to not feeling so abandoned (despite having caused it themselves), they'll pull you off the shelf and do it again, until they feel engulfed and then they drop you like a hot potato, though not before devaluing you, because that's how they can rationalize their cruel behavior.

Friendship is not unlike an intimate relationship. It is built on trust, honest, and loyalty, among other things. At least my BPDex is incapable of truly living these qualities, despite her own self-image as someone who is honest, trustworthy and loyal.

I agree.  That's exactly how it works.