Broke my no contact promise to myself

[JohnThorn]

For some reason when I woke up this morning, I looked at her Facebook. First time in a week. Seeing new pictures and watching her seemingly be ok, hurt a lot. I reached out to her and took much of the blame for our failings. I'm not sure why I did it, except maybe in some way I feel that she could have only gotten away with what I allowed her to. I feel after the BPD relationship is over, the scarred person is the one who stayed far too long. I feel very unconfident and very distraught. I am at work trying to do my job today. But I'm failing at life. And I don't know what to do. She never wrote back by the way. I don't know what to do.

[seeking balance]

First off - shake it off.  No harm no foul - you gotta be gentle with yourself right now.   

For some reason when I woke up this morning, I looked at her Facebook.

Some reason?  It was to numb an emotion - figure out the emotion so you can learn a new way to react next time. 

Also, if you look at your body of posts the last few days, this was coming - you have a clear pattern on the emotion you are struggling with.   

When you want to tackle it - we are here ... . do you have a T you are working with also?

First time in a week. Seeing new pictures and watching her seemingly be ok, hurt a lot. I reached out to her and took much of the blame for our failings. I'm not sure why I did it, except maybe in some way I feel that she could have only gotten away with what I allowed her to. I feel after the BPD relationship is over, the scarred person is the one who stayed far too long. I feel very unconfident and very distraught. I am at work trying to do my job today. But I'm failing at life. And I don't know what to do. She never wrote back by the way. I don't know what to do.

Hurting keeps us connected - feeling the victim, looking at her - this is part of the bargaining phase of grief.

JT - emotions can rule us sometimes - it is in this time that I think we can get the best empathy for what a pwBPD lives with every single day.

So, back to the basics of self care now:  eat healthy, no alcohol or drugs, exercise, put yourself around safe friends, let yourself have the space to cry and grieve.

Giving ourselves the time and space to really grieve is hard because there are so many distractions to numb the hard... . eventually, we all give in and have to feel it... . you will be ok JT.

It's ok to feel lost and distraught - you won't feel that way forever.  Please be kind to you right now.  So, you reacted, let it go now... . deep breaths.

Peace,

SB

[pinkparchment]

It's so interesting to see you mirroring my experience. I messaged my ex yesterday and it only took a few minutes for her to get back to me, but I started panicking and shaking IMMEDIATELY. I ended up getting nothing done I intended to yesterday because I was too antsy and I wish I'd never contacted her. Oh well. What's done is done.

I like your advice on identifying the emotion that causes us to "check" on our exes, SB. I'm not sure what mine is or what drives me. I want to be hurt and feel vindicated simultaneously, I don't know what that means.

[seeking balance]

I want to be hurt and feel vindicated simultaneously, I don't know what that means.

Well - looking at the grief process, I kinda think this sounds like classic bargaining - what do you think?

[JohnThorn]

Hey guys. After work I grew more and more depressed and i waited a day to post.

I want to end this cycle so badly. I read so many of your posts. I know that so many of you are going thru what I am or have gone thru it.

Sadly she didn't write me back. The last time she and I talked, she told me that was still in love with me but also spewed out in a moment of anger that if I knew what she was up to it would devastate me and "leave me on the floor"... . I know this insinuate she's somewhat involved with another guy. For those who have been following my posts... . when my ex posed on a dating site and I took to the fake girl, she told me that showed her that my love for her (and my obsession) was not a lasting not sincere thing. And I think she was very attached to me on the basis of me being attached to me. After she invented a character that was designed to sweep me off my feet, my ex attempted to seduce me one final time. I fell for it. And we had sex (although we'd been not together for 3 months)... . after we had sex, she asked to make plans with me for the same night I planned to meet this new girl in person. I declined my ex BPD and went to meet the new girl. When my ex realized I chose someone else over her after she pulled out all the stops to keep me on her string, I think her interest in being with me diminished a lot.

Meanwhile, here I am. I'm not sure how to move on except I have no choice at this point. I woke up this morning and went on this site and read post after post. I began to try find parallels in our experiences, and personalities.

I think a BPD relationship is a 2-part system. I think obviously one has BPD. But the other person has to have self worth issues that have gone unaddressed, or under addressed. I think we can all make this claim. It's how the borderline person is able to stay around.

I've begun accept that the thing that my BPD ex offered me was, through her outer beauty and social popularity, she automatically made me feel that I made up for the years I was unpopular and unattractive. Nothing she could do to me would remove the fact that I would have recurring thoughts in my head that she gave me worth. This is very dangerous. It's how I ended up here.

I spent a large part of my life, overweight and I've always possessed a social awkwardness which stems from having very specific interests and being a bit more intellectual than the average person. Throughout the relationship, she made me feel that I was the smartest and most talented guy she ever knew (which may actually be true based on the people she knows). This made me feel that a person from the other side (gorgeous and popular) was finally seeing the worth in me. I know I stuck around not only for the great sex and friendship we once had, but also because I made her an icon of all the people who had rejected me throughout my life.

The great irony here is, about a 2 years ago (before I entered the relationship with her) I lost a lot of weight and got very fit. For the duration of my relationship with her, I was consistently more fit and healthier physically and healthier minded. I want to remind myself that I am not beneath her in any conceivable way. After years of being ignored by women, it's hard to recognize that women see me as this great catch now. She was very much a trophy for me to vindicate my achievements. She was a trophy insofar as I stayed way too long because of what she symbolized to me, but I should have left as soon as the BPD made it's first appearance. I knew right away something was wrong. And it only got worse and in staying, I lost all my confidence and reverted to feelings of self hatred I felt all my life.

[heartandwhole]

These are great insights, John Thorn.    You are digging in and looking at the core issues that affected your responses during the relationship, and after.

Once the relationship goes away, you do not revert back to the "old" you.  You got fit and  changed before you met her, that was your doing – she did not "give" it to you.  So that is something to be proud of.

For many of us, our "outsides" look different than our "insides," and when we start looking at our deepest beliefs, we realize that they influence our perceptions of who we are in a much stronger way than we thought.

I'm glad you are using the setback of yesterday as an opportunity to self-inquire and grow.

Keep posting, we're here for you.  

heartandwhole

[JohnThorn]

I'm unable to type long things at work. But thank you so much for this!

My question to anyone who wants to answer is, in the nature that I idolized her, or rather idealized her for my own insecurity to be fulfilled, should I take blame within myself for what happened to me in dealing with a BPD woman.

There is no doubt that this woman has BPD but does that mean that it's all her fault? I know people that would have never put up with her behavior for more than one day. It's possible she would succeed in a relationship with a guy who was more sure of himself. Or maybe she would simply leave the relationship if she felt she could not control him. Any ideas on this?

[winston72]

JT, your reflections on the needs and aspirations that your relationship with your ex addressed, or seemed to address, or perhaps brought into clear view (ha!  I am struggling to explain this dynamic... . think I need some work on it myself?), are terrific.  They really focused some of my thoughts on my life.  My ex was pretty and young and I think both of these features made me feel better about myself.  Losing her meant losing a chance to gain some of that life and energy for myself... . or so I thought.  This heightened the urgency, need and desperation within me at the end.

Should you take blame for what happened to you?  JT, blame is not relevant here and its assignation won't lead you anywhere helpful.  You are on the right track as you explore the needs and hopes, hurts and possibilities that are within you that drove you through the time with her and are still within you.  It will help explain things to you and help you take responsibility for yourself with the point of gaining awareness for the future, and growing through it. 

In light of this, perhaps reflect a bit on why you are trying to predict her future relationship outcomes?  Are you feeling that you are not adequate?  That someone else will come along and "make her happy" because he is more sure of himself than you are?  Tapping into what drives these questions is what will propel you toward a better time... . and a better relationship in the future.

As a follow-on... . she will not be "tamed" or led into relationship bliss by someone else.  As we are all learning, this comes from within each individual.  It takes a lot of reflection, focus and energy for anyone to grow in these ways... and it will take that for her also, not the arrival of a super Prince Charming... . or in any event some man that is better than me (oops... . that is my intentional admonition to myself... . because I wrestled with this for a very long time and am just moving out of it).

Keep posting, JT!

[LettingGo14]

Thank you JT for sharing your self-inquiry so honestly.  And thank you to those who have posted.   In my view, this is where the rubber meets the road, as we process.

Self-care, like SB said, is essential at this point, and she has great examples.  When I was  stuck in heavy rumination, I neglected self-care.  And I circled my pain, including reaching out to my ex-girlfriend a number of times.

And, blaming self or others, like Winston says, is not necessary at this point.  I have learned this slowly and painfully.   Rather than blame, I want to understand where I fused myself with my ex, and why.  Then I want to give myself space to "individuate" again.

I am trying to identify where false self kept me stuck, with maladaptive coping behaviors.  I don't exactly understand the psychology (yet) but, like you, I keep reading and learning, and trying to lean into the spear so I can grow.   

One teaching says, "go to the places that scare you" because that is where truth is found.

Keep posting.  Thanks for your honest self-inquiry.