Devastated

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Just had the one of the maddest weekend of my life... .

my BPD girlfriend has been a blowtorch on me for the last two weeks... . heavy insults, rage, rejection and generally behaving in an insane manner.

We came up to Scotland (my homeland) on holiday and as soon as we arrived, I decided that I wasn't going to take any more of her abuse. I asked her to leave my family home and she went to stay with friends on the coast. In that time she has moved between missing me to her core and threatening to sell all my stuff in her flat in London if I don't put her up in a hotel for 2 weeks because I have left her stranded in a strange land... I gave her some money and offered to pay for her ticket back to London... .

Anyway, last week she pleaded with me to enter extensive therapy for my intimacy issues and sexual dysfunction- because I don't want to have sex with her all the time and don't "sexualise" her. She told me she loves me more than life and cannot live without me and just wants me to get better.

I noticed that the abuse has become worse since I have stopped taking her vile words. As soon as she blows up, I become dispassionate and detach, each time telling her that she is free to leave if she is so miserable and if I'm such a 'despicable human being". She accuses me of emotionally terrorising her and being abusive. I get the blame for all her life problems.

We went away for the weekend to talk things through and try work it out. tbh, I was doubtful but was open to giving our relationship a chance. It went like this Day 1: she confronted me immediately and told me that I am sick and cannot be in a relationship and she wants only to be friends... . then she cooled off, we spoke some and then she turned on the sexy stuff, talk of marriage, children etc... . we ate pizza, watched a movie, had a laugh and had an intimate evening... . Day 2. She woke up singing and loving me from the first minute, as the day progressed her mood darkened, especially when I decided to watch a one off sports event on TV... . she started crying and told me that she wants more from me, she wants me to make her happy. Day 3. We had a good start, did a cycle trip, ate lunch... . I noticed that she was always on her mobile and asked her who she was contacting- it was a guy "friend". She told me a few months ago that they had mutual romantic feelings. I told her that I wasn't comfortable with this

and she told me to live with it. She then burst into a blistering rage, calling me a lier, a cheat and a horrible person. She packed her bags, walked out and caught a ferry off the island. She later contacted me to pick her up as she had nowhere to go and accused me of disgarding her again. I let her sleep in the bedroom and I slept in the lounge. She told me not to speak to her. She then came in 3 times during the night to speak to me, wanting to talk about stuff. I told her I had nothing to say. She then woke me up at 2am to talk about stuff. i just looked at her and listened to her talking about being so sorry things hadn't worked out. This morning she was angry, then tearful and we went our separate ways.

I know for a fact that she has been telling all her friends what a dreadful, abusive person I am so I recorded one of her tirades on my phone. She checked my phone and went mad :-D

She is with friends, I am with my family.

Damn! I cannot believe this situation. I am feeling wrecked and my family have confronted me about all of this because I've been keeping a lid on it.

I'm not sure how to handle things from here. I am trying to be decent and not leave her at risk in another country but at the same time I cannot put myself in more emotional danger.

[Lion Fire]

Just had the one of the maddest weekend of my life... .

my BPD girlfriend has been a blowtorch on me for the last two weeks... . heavy insults, rage, rejection and generally behaving in an insane manner.

We came up to Scotland (my homeland) on holiday and as soon as we arrived, I decided that I wasn't going to take any more of her abuse. I asked her to leave my family home and she went to stay with friends on the coast. In that time she has moved between missing me to her core and threatening to sell all my stuff in her flat in London if I don't put her up in a hotel for 2 weeks because I have left her stranded in a strange land... I gave her some money and offered to pay for her ticket back to London... .

Anyway, last week she pleaded with me to enter extensive therapy for my intimacy issues and sexual dysfunction- because I don't want to have sex with her all the time and don't "sexualise" her. She told me she loves me more than life and cannot live without me and just wants me to get better.

I noticed that the abuse has become worse since I have stopped taking her vile words. As soon as she blows up, I become dispassionate and detach, each time telling her that she is free to leave if she is so miserable and if I'm such a 'despicable human being". She accuses me of emotionally terrorising her and being abusive. I get the blame for all her life problems.

We went away for the weekend to talk things through and try work it out. tbh, I was doubtful but was open to giving our relationship a chance. It went like this Day 1: she confronted me immediately and told me that I am sick and cannot be in a relationship and she wants only to be friends... . then she cooled off, we spoke some and then she turned on the sexy stuff, talk of marriage, children etc... . we ate pizza, watched a movie, had a laugh and had an intimate evening... . Day 2. She woke up singing and loving me from the first minute, as the day progressed her mood darkened, especially when I decided to watch a one off sports event on TV... . she started crying and told me that she wants more from me, she wants me to make her happy. Day 3. We had a good start, did a cycle trip, ate lunch... . I noticed that she was always on her mobile and asked her who she was contacting- it was a guy "friend". She told me a few months ago that they had mutual romantic feelings. I told her that I wasn't comfortable with this

and she told me to live with it. She then burst into a blistering rage, calling me a lier, a cheat and a horrible person. She packed her bags, walked out and caught a ferry off the island. She later contacted me to pick her up as she had nowhere to go and accused me of disgarding her again. I let her sleep in the bedroom and I slept in the lounge. She told me not to speak to her. She then came in 3 times during the night to speak to me, wanting to talk about stuff. I told her I had nothing to say. She then woke me up at 2am to talk about stuff. i just looked at her and listened to her talking about being so sorry things hadn't worked out. This morning she was angry, then tearful and we went our separate ways.

I know for a fact that she has been telling all her friends what a dreadful, abusive person I am so I recorded one of her tirades on my phone. She checked my phone and went mad :-D

She is with friends, I am with my family.

Damn! I cannot believe this situation. I am feeling wrecked and my family have confronted me about all of this because I've been keeping a lid on it.

I'm not sure how to handle things from here. I am trying to be decent and not leave her at risk in another country but at the same time I cannot put myself in more emotional danger.

[Take2]

Hey Lionfire. ... . are you still in Scotland with her there?

I think you have been handling it as well as anyone could be expected to...

You've offered to fly her home.  You've been patient from the sound of it.  Are you totally broken up at this point ?  I realize that can be difficult to even know when dealing with someone with BPD , at least in my case it was. ... .   ie he constantly dumped me yet somehow I was supposed to magically know that I was still his property expected to do whatever he wanted me to do.

So what next ?  Will you try to work things out?   What are your goals with her?

[Lion Fire]

Hiya Take 2,

Thank you for the reply.

Yes, I am with my family and she is with her friends here in Scotland.

She tried to contact me late last night but I blanked the call. NC so far today.

I have been reading posts on this forum and more about BPD which has been very useful at this time. This has reduced the shame and guilt she has spewed all over me. It has also put things into perspective.

tbh, I just want it all to go away but I know it won't. I have to go back to London with her next week (if she stays) and collect all my stuff from her apartment. I am dreading this as she has already threatened to destroy/sell my stuff, some of which is valuable. I told her I would inform the police of this should she choose that route.

Yeah, she has dumped me countless times in the last couple of weeks, sometimes a few times a day and then switches to "I love you" etc. My hunch is that she is setting up a replacement which may well be a blessing in disguise and will allow me to get out of dodge without further trauma.

There is nothing to work out anymore. I was hoping that we could be friends at some point but evidence from posts I read indicate that a healthy friendship is highly unlikely which is sad.

Peace

Chris

[Take2]

How long have you guys been dating?  I'm sorry, I will go read your prior posts to get some background in a bit.  It sounds like you have been thru the general routine that the BPD relationship can go thru... .   but that you are ready to let it go.  That will be the healthiest thing for you it sounds like.  Talk to your family about it if you can, let them give you some support.  There are some on here (me!) who have allowed themselves to remain caught up in the drama/crazy train for so long that some pretty serious emotional baggage has built up.  His fault?  Well, of course.  But I have played my part in the dysfunction.  I mean, who begs over and over for an abusive, raging, cruel man to stay and love them?  Oh right, me !  haha.  But seriously - I am a beautiful, successful, fun woman who has frankly always had her pick of men.  But this one brought me down.  That I still feel deeply for this man whose last words to me last night were "burn in hell you f'ing c**t" ?   and that was the tame part of the night.  Well, just a reality that my addiction to him and the dysfunction is what is at play.  Don't let it get to this point.  Walk away now.  My scenario is one that confirms that it does not get better.  Of course you could go read on the staying boards for some that DO get better.  I'd hate to disuade anyone following whatever they feel is right for them... .   but I too had always held out hope that we could remain friends.  I have never walked out of a r/s without still caring about the person and remaining friends with them.  If I loved them during the r/s, my feelings about caring for them as people don't just stop.  So the whole NC thing - very difficult for me.  Also because I work with the ex... .  

Anyway... . I'm rambling now... . keep reading and posting... . and focus on your vacation and family right now... . you deserve to give that to yourself !

[Lion Fire]

heya,

we've been brewing for years but only dating officially for 2 months... . the trouble came early which is another blessing in disguise :-) At least I can walk away with minimal damage for now. I'm feeling low today, like a big hangover. She asked me to meet her at a random train station on the platform to hand her coat to her. I told her I was busy. Not sure what her game is. I know for a fact she is talking ___ about me to her friends. I have told mutual friends that we ended because it wasn't working out. This is out of respect for myself and also her.

Sounds like you got stuck in there Take2. Yes, it takes 2 to be part of a dysfunctional, toxic relationship.

Thank you for the heads up on how it can get really bad if we hang around. I had a BPD girlfriend exactly 10 years ago and I got out of that after 4 months with some bad knocks. I know that she has since brought several men to their knees including a whirlwind marriage that lasted 3 months from dating to divorce! I guess I had the experience and was wide awake this time round. That doesn't mean I am not hurting right now. The verbal and emotional abuse was dreadful.

I am reflecting on my part in this and believe that I got caught up in the illusion and charm and myself became dizzy, making decisions that were not thought through.

The catalyst to her explosions is that I wasn't hooked on her sex and it seems that this has been her greatest hook all her life. It was like everything depended on me being hooked on her and I wasn't- despite her beauty and charm. She accused me of having massive trauma, being gay :-D having intimacy issues, being abnormal and being sexually dysfuctional because I didn't want to have sex all the time. She would burst into tears and then rage violently if I wasn't in the mood. This became such an issue that I withdrew from intimacy because I felt so under pressure. It was awful and now I know what women feel in these situations. tbh, it has turned me off sex because it felt like abuse and I felt completely sexualised.

I feel for you having to work with the guy. Damn, that must be so hard.

Take care of you, stay safe and be strong.

Blessings

[Take2]

You know as small as the odds are, given that such a small portion of the population actually has BPD, it seems like there are many people on here who have had r/s with more than one.  I suppose many of us are drawn to people with BPD for some reason.  It took me being involved with this guy at work to finally realize that an old best friend of mine is BPD/npd and my mom was BPD too - although oddly, she mostly didn't show characteristics of it until I was in my 20s.  Between the two of them, I believe my own emotional baggage formed.  . 

Yes, it's unbelievably hard working with my ex.  If we didn't work together, I probably never would have really realized what was wrong.  One of my good friends told me within a year of meeting him that he was a narcissist (she never met him, just listened to me talk about him and listened to my heart breaking so many times).  I considered that for a long time until a therapist said the rage sounds like BPD... .   bingo.  Anyway - like I said, I never would have stuck around long enough - I don't think.  Who knows.  I've stuck around SO long that I suppose I have no idea what I would have done if we didn't work together.  But seeing him constantly is wildly hard.  I have a meeting tomorrow with only a few people.  He is one of those.  It will be difficult.

Last night was very, very bad.  We did not talk today.  I haven't actually seen him since Monday.  When we had hard times in the past, seeing one another would make both our hearts melt.  We both became very addicted to one another.  And to our sexual chemistry.  But it does sound like you were sexually abused.  That does fall within the definition of it.  I've done some reading about abusive men... .   I never went thru that, although there were a couple times I did have sex because I was afraid of what his reaction would be if I didn't.  Meaning he would withdraw attention and shut me out.  Yikes.  That's horrible too.

Well, it's hard not to get caught up in the dynamics.  So you had pretty bad verbal and emotional abuse after only two months?  That's really fast.  I didn't see mine rage until a year in.  It was after 3 years in that I saw the complete loss of control during rage and truly frighten me... .   making me believe that he is probably capable of hurting me.  He never has.  But I have hid in the bathroom at work crying my eyes out and then leaving  Iquickly so he wouldn't see me - so as not to get caught back in his rage.  I have many times truly thought that at some point, some day, he will wind up killing me.  That's just a bizarre thought.  I even told him that once. 

Let's hope that is just some crazy thought on MY part. 

Anyway... . sorry - I'm rambling again... .   ironically, I am Scottish.  Never been but probably have relatives there that I don't know... .   someday.