6 mos NC and I almost broke

[numb_buddha]

Later this month I'll have had six months of no contact with my exBPDgf. Six months seems like a remarkably long time ago, considering how fresh the memory of it all still is. This morning I found myself reading old text messages and almost typed a message.

The message would have had no real purpose. I planned to send a garbled assortment of text characters to see if she would respond. But why? My planned response would have been that I had been reading some of our texts and that I'd accidentally hit the phone (not just a lie, but a bad one at that). Beyond this, I have zero desire to be in a relationship again with this woman. Thinking it over now, I think I had an urge to do this because there never was any real closure when it ended, just a lot of unanswered questions and hurt.

I've not been the best with NC until now. While I have not uttered a word to her, I have Googled her countless times. When we split, she disabled her Facebook and Linkedin accounts, both which remain disabled to this day. It's as if the moment I was painted black that she did everything she could to erase her online presence. Given the secretive nature of this woman, it always amazed me that she had a social media presence at all.

I have been self-medicating recently with marijuana, something I've done before when a prior relationship with another ex  (who did not have BPD) ended. I call it self-medicating because this is exactly what I did at the end of another relationship with someone who did not have BPD. I do it as an excuse to be with others socially and, admittedly, I enjoy it. I've always been a recreational smoker but, until recently, it was a few times a year kind of thing - now it's one bag after another.

I probably should enter therapy again. This relationship and the chaos that it was appears to have changed me. I now fear finding someone new (did briefly see someone after we broke up, but we both decided we were just attracted to the other physically). I feel empty, like I'm never going to clique with a woman in life. I fear that if I do that again I'll be in the same boat again. I am terrified of meeting another woman with BPD.

I think what I wanted this morning was an acknowledgement. While I know it was her illness that damned the relationship from the start, a part of me will always have a thing for her.

Any thoughts, wisdom or advice?

[Popcorn71]

Similar situation here.  I have been NC for almost 4 months.  Lately I have been thinking of my exBPDh more and more.

I found a load of our wedding photos the other day.  I put them in an envelope and was going to send them to him.  Why?  I am not sure.  Maybe to remind him that he has wrecked something good.  Maybe to remind him of me.  I don't really know.  Anyway, so far I haven't sent them.  In the back of my mind I think it might be better just to put them in the bin.

What can contact bring for us?  More trouble I think!  What do you think?

[LongGoneEx]

What can contact bring for us?  More trouble I think!  What do you think?

I personally guarantee it.  Dump the reminders or at least put them out of easy reach. Stay NC.

[GuiltHaunted]

I am 4 months NC, and I consider breaking it too (or uplifting having her blocked at least).

The reason is a post by Skip, in the poll that was up here earlier. Frankly, I start to find myself immature, that I need to have her blocked. It's my own problem, if she was to write - as in my feelings etc. Why should't I be able to cope with hearing occasional news from her life - a person (not a disease), whom I spent close to 4 years with.

Of course, if your ex's are trying to rekindle the relationship and you are not interested (and she doesn't understand), then maybe NC/LC is a good idea for their sake.

Maybe I am just babbling, but I do the same: googling and checking her dead (as in extreme private) Facebook account daily. Wouldn't it be easier for me to just talk with her every 14 days or so, to know what's going on with her? I am not finding out ANYTHING with what I am doing now, yet I do it like I have OCD everyday.

Skip, wrote that NC should be used as crutches, when you hurt too much. Am I ready to throw those crutches away and stop my own immature behavior?

Skip, if you are reading this thread, I would appreciate to hear your opinion?