Is not reacting to NPD provocations

[Ulysses]

I've been working really hard on not reacting to my NPD spouse's provocations, and trying to find new ways to interact.  My spouse went through a despondent period recently, did some mean things to me, then asked why I want to be married because he's a "total d*#k."  (He had an emotional/physical affair and is probably still involved emotionally - it's long distance).  I've been trying to heal and take care of me and our 2 kids, and am finally seeing glimmers of happiness (despite the state of my marriage).  I took our kids out on a Fri evening and he was enraged.  I told him where we were, what we were doing, and invited him to join us after work.  He had plenty of time but didn't, just sent me a nasty email.  My kids knew I invited him via email, and saw me leave a note at home.

I spoke up in front of our 10 year old son a couple of days later to ask spouse why he didn't have son do homework while I was out at a concert (I'm a musician).  His answer, "because I took him to the park."  Discussion went downhill from there.  I didn't yell but he was again enraged, and yes I made reference to his affair which I know doesn't help the healing.  He left for his apartment and sent me an email accusing me of yelling (I'm really careful now not to raise my voice) and wanting to change our separation situation (which isn't much of a sep) and he's lost all hope this will work and I'm too controlling.  I'm not going to answer his email until I see my therapist and maybe my lawyer.  What will happen if I just ignore his email?  Before, I would have freaked out and called him.  Now I've just got a low level of anxiety about it and am trying not to let it distract me from the good things I'm doing in my life.  If I ignore it, will he escalate?  Or will he cycle back to one of the other people he seems to be (btw do Narcissists have different personalities?  I sometimes don't know which spouse he is, and I'm trying to keep track to see if there's a cycle going on).  Anyway, I want to ignore his email because it's too painful to think of not seeing my kids every day.  I wonder if that's the worst thing to do.  Is this one of those extinction burst things?

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[an0ught]

Hi Ulysses,

I've been working really hard on not reacting to my NPD spouse's provocations, and trying to find new ways to interact.  My spouse went through a despondent period recently, did some mean things to me, then asked why I want to be married because he's a "total d*#k."  (He had an emotional/physical affair and is probably still involved emotionally - it's long distance).  I've been trying to heal and take care of me and our 2 kids, and am finally seeing glimmers of happiness (despite the state of my marriage).  I took our kids out on a Fri evening and he was enraged.  I told him where we were, what we were doing, and invited him to join us after work.  He had plenty of time but didn't, just sent me a nasty email.  My kids knew I invited him via email, and saw me leave a note at home.

you did what you could to invite him. It is his right not to join and considering his mood it probably was the best he did not. When sending emails and invites it can sometimes be useful to use a lot of validation and then SET. It is very important not to make him feel pressured or controlled. I'm not implying you wrote something wrong here but it is a fact that pwBPD are super sensitive wrt. to invalidation and while it is not a good idea to avoid triggers avoiding invalidation (also a trigger) is a good idea in the short and long run.

I spoke up in front of our 10 year old son a couple of days later to ask spouse why he didn't have son do homework while I was out at a concert (I'm a musician).  His answer, "because I took him to the park."  Discussion went downhill from there.  I didn't yell but he was again enraged, and yes I made reference to his affair which I know doesn't help the healing.  He left for his apartment and sent me an email accusing me of yelling (I'm really careful now not to raise my voice) and wanting to change our separation situation (which isn't much of a sep) and he's lost all hope this will work and I'm too controlling.  I'm not going to answer his email until I see my therapist and maybe my lawyer.  What will happen if I just ignore his email?  Before, I would have freaked out and called him.  Now I've just got a low level of anxiety about it and am trying not to let it distract me from the good things I'm doing in my life.  If I ignore it, will he escalate?  Or will he cycle back to one of the other people he seems to be (btw do Narcissists have different personalities?  I sometimes don't know which spouse he is, and I'm trying to keep track to see if there's a cycle going on).  Anyway, I want to ignore his email because it's too painful to think of not seeing my kids every day.  I wonder if that's the worst thing to do.  Is this one of those extinction burst things?

Yeah, not surprising. What you did is natural but does not really work with him. "Why" is often invalidating and puts him into a defensive mode - and defensive often means attacking. If possible (I know it is hard) try to avoid using "why" with him and use "I want to understand" or "please tell me what" with an intention to understand - if that intention is missing - don't even ask - he will sense it and feel attacked. In your case you were most likely disappointed and upset about his maneuver. He won't like it but it is your right to feel that way and it is ok to express that and often better than asking him to justify himself. The best way to get these messages through to him is using SET with T= you emotions.

You don't have to respond to everything he does. Moving from being reactive to having self control is a big and scary step but it is an important one too. Any yes, it sounds he is frustrated and somewhat escalating his behavior. Not sure it is boundary related so I would not call it extinction burst. Time-outs can often help stabilize the situation.

[Ulysses]

Thank you an0ught, there's so much information in your post that's new to me.  I really never thought about the "why" question being taken as invalidating.  My son gets upset sometimes when I ask him "why", when I'm trying to understand.  He thinks he's in trouble, which is the farthest thing from my mind and totally baffles me that he reacts that way.  I spend time then reassuring him he's not in trouble, I'm just trying to understand.  I'll try a softer approach with him (and my husband).  I wish wish wish I'd known about all of this years ago.

I wonder of it's not only learned behavior, but if it's somewhat genetic.  My son is a little different (very, very smart, and kind of awkward).  When he was 3, he didn't say "why" in the "why" stage kids go through.  He always seemed to say "talk about" rather than "why."  Probably a coincidence, but I've always wondered about that difference.

[an0ught]

I wonder of it's not only learned behavior, but if it's somewhat genetic.  My son is a little different (very, very smart, and kind of awkward).  When he was 3, he didn't say "why" in the "why" stage kids go through.  He always seemed to say "talk about" rather than "why."  Probably a coincidence, but I've always wondered about that difference.

We are all different so I would not put too much into it. It is worth noting that "what" is working often better than "why" as exploring is more validating than the more analytical and judging "why".

How is it going?

[Ulysses]

It's going, thanks for asking.  My husband doesn't look at me or speak directly to me right now.  He wants a more official separation and I told him I want time to reflect on this and work it out at a marriage counselor's office.  A month ago he told me he wants to stay married.  Three months ago he wanted to take a vacation with me (which I declined for financial reasons but actually I couldn't stomach a vacation knowing he's still in touch with his affair partner).  Now he is angry and mean, and I feel like a leper.  Well, I don't feel like one, I know it's not me, that I'm an ok human being.  I'm staying calm, enjoying my children and working on myself.  I feel less burdened now than in a really long time, because I know I'm not crazy and I'm not a complete failure.  Two nights ago I had a dream that my spouse was in a room where more and more people were entering and as they did they found out about all the stuff he has done.  He couldn't take it and left.  Someone then handed me a suicide note from him.  I sobbed because I knew I couldn't stop him, and I woke up crying and so sad.  I pray for him and hope he finds the strength to do the work, as they say.  For his sake, for our kids' sake, and selfishly for my sake.  I've started reading some Kohut, which is as enlightening as the Alice Miller book I read when everything came apart.

I don't think I can stop the train wreck and I guess I'm trying to get strong for when the impact comes (he wants the kids 50%).  I'm now at a place where I won't fall apart if he leaves, but I'm not yet at a place where I feel I can handle having my kids away.