Am I too sensitive or is this text a BPD "thing"... ?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

OK, after a fight last weekend, I'm definitely a bit distant.  I'm very much to the edge of the point of no return and after each rage, I find I take longer and longer to recoup... . is this normal?

Also, BPD/NPDh is feeling "rejected" so of course, he's very sensitive. Last night he asked to borrow $4 and said he was going to run to his friend's house while I jumped in the shower.  I said OK.  He left, I took a shower, the end... . right?  It's BPD, so of course not.  An hour later I shoot him a text that says "Goodnight", as it's late and I have a long meeting in the morning and have to be to work earlier than him, etc.  This is what I get back... . 20 minutes later:

"Why? I was waiting for you to tell me you were out so that i could get back in. So, say "im out now " ir "you coming home now since im done" or "waiting for you honey" or ANYTHING. to that effect? In my way in less than 5min."

OK, am I just too sensitive or is this the BPD criticism of me not getting all gushy and begging him to come home?  I need honest answers and if I'm being too sensitive and feeling criticism where there is none, I'd love to know so I can maybe not feel that way in the future.

Just for giggles, here's what I responded:

"I've been out for over an hour. I don't take 1.5 hour showers"

"You just said you were running to xxxxx's while I showered. You didn't say to let you know. Even so, my showers are around 20 min... . "

"And it's after 10. I have a long meeting tomorrow and I have a headache."

"And I texted 20 min ago."

"Sorry it wasn't what you wanted.

I'll never get it right. Just stay at xxxxx's as long as you want."

[wishfulthinking]

OK, after a fight last weekend, I'm definitely a bit distant.  I'm very much to the edge of the point of no return and after each rage, I find I take longer and longer to recoup... . is this normal?

Also, BPD/NPDh is feeling "rejected" so of course, he's very sensitive. Last night he asked to borrow $4 and said he was going to run to his friend's house while I jumped in the shower.  I said OK.  He left, I took a shower, the end... . right?  It's BPD, so of course not.  An hour later I shoot him a text that says "Goodnight", as it's late and I have a long meeting in the morning and have to be to work earlier than him, etc.  This is what I get back... . 20 minutes later:

"Why? I was waiting for you to tell me you were out so that i could get back in. So, say "im out now " ir "you coming home now since im done" or "waiting for you honey" or ANYTHING. to that effect? In my way in less than 5min."

OK, am I just too sensitive or is this the BPD criticism of me not getting all gushy and begging him to come home?  I need honest answers and if I'm being too sensitive and feeling criticism where there is none, I'd love to know so I can maybe not feel that way in the future.

Just for giggles, here's what I responded:

"I've been out for over an hour. I don't take 1.5 hour showers"

"You just said you were running to xxxxx's while I showered. You didn't say to let you know. Even so, my showers are around 20 min... . "

"And it's after 10. I have a long meeting tomorrow and I have a headache."

"And I texted 20 min ago."

"Sorry it wasn't what you wanted.

I'll never get it right. Just stay at xxxxx's as long as you want."

[whippoorwill]

Its exhausting being with a needy person. But I have to give him credit--he did specifically tell you what he wanted to hear from you: that you should tell him when you get out of the shower. It would have been more helpful if he would have told you that prior to leaving. But it doesn't sound like he is raging at you or talking about a lot of other things that have nothing to do with this particular situation. It sounds like he's making an effort to tell you exactly what he would like you to do.

[wishfulthinking]

I see your point.  In the future I will respond like that.  I guess I'm just so emotionally tired that I saw it as I failed another test. So, yes I see what you are saying and will try to readjust my thinking.  Thank you so much for your viewpoint.

[maxsterling]

I'm going to say this is a BPD thing - because I've been in nearly the exact same situation.  In my case, its usually something like this where I don't come home exactly at a certain time, or I am not exact on my plans.  And it's something that to 99% of the population, it wouldn't make a difference.  "Why didn't you tell me you were going to go out into the back yard?"  "you should have told me you were going to go to the hardware store while I was out, I would have gone with you if you waited."  "why didn't you tell me you were going to clean the kitchen?  If you told me, I would have helped.  Now I feel bad."

I'm not too versed on your situation, but I can't think of why you should need to announce when you are done in the shower.  Do you not want him home when you shower?  Does he not want to be home while you shower?  What's wrong with him coming home while you are still in the shower?  Does he not have a key to the house?  Yeah, he told you what he wants next time, but to me this seems like an unusual and strange request.  He's an adult, and can do with what he wants in life.  I see this as a reason for him to blame you for his emotional troubles, when it is something he could easily handle himself - heck - he could have texted you and asked if you were done!  My point is, that don't beat yourself up - because if it was not this, it would be another thing.  So even if you did tell him you were done, it could have been that you did not leave the light on for him, or that you went to bed too early.

My BPDgf can't stand it if people don't tell her exactly what is happening or make exact plans with her.  I do my best to satisfy that, but so much is beyond my control.  Such as what time my sister in law will be done with her meeting or the traffic accident that causes me to be 5 minutes late coming home.  She wants constant updates over what is exactly going on - its her way of wanting external control over her internal emotions. 

I will mention your responses of "goodnight" and the other responses would have gotten me in extreme hot water.  My GF's response to "goodnight" would have been a claim that I am being passive aggressive and insensitive.  And in a way, it is - you weren't telling him exactly what was on your mind, and instead were passive-aggressively showing your frustration that he was still out.  Don't worry, we all do this and most people wouldn't get upset over it, but for a pwBPD, I've found these kinds of remarks really trigger them. 

[seeking balance]

I see your point.  In the future I will respond like that.  I guess I'm just so emotionally tired that I saw it as I failed another test. So, yes I see what you are saying and will try to readjust my thinking.  Thank you so much for your viewpoint.

What helped me is to notice when I started to feel "sensitive" to take a step back and put on my rational brain/wisemind cap before responding.

Walking on eggshells is exhausting, so there are times we don't have the extra energy... . that is not bad or good it just is.  My goal was to not make things worse during those times and for me, that was keeping my mouth shut until I could process my own stuff... . for the record, I only was successful about 50% of the time.

The folks who successfully navigate these relationships get really good at not taking things personally and giving themselves the emotional space necessary to communicate from their wisemind.

Be kind to you and make a plan for next time - as they say in SWOE, practice is important so in "gametime" you can respond accordingly.

Peace,

SB

[wishfulthinking]

Maxsterling,

Honestly, I was hoping he would stay gone longer... . LOL.

He has a key, I don't care if he is home and if he goes to this friend's house, it is usually in the evening and he stays 2-3 hours, so him leaving at 830, I didn't expect him home for awhile and it was nice to have peace.  I knew if I didn't at least say goodnight that I would be in trouble, so that is all I said.  I'm too tired to say... . goodnight honey I love you so much blah blah... . It was 1030 and I have to be up at 530, I don't sleep well so I needed to go to bed to get as much sleep as I can.  That's why after his response on why didn't I say this or that, I just gave up and called him out on the fact that he knows I don't take 1.5 hour showers.  He never said to tell him, so I didn't figure I would have to considering he knows how long showers take.  I didn't mean for it to sound frustrated that he was still out... . I really was hoping he would stay there out of frustration of me not "being a good wife" "for once".  Though, I do see where it sounds that way in my responses.  My bad, I'll work on that.  I just feel like he's always "coaching" and "directing" and nothing I say or do is good enough because he always has to change it or correct it in some way. I used to just shut up altogether, but he still raged, so it doesn't matter anyway. 

[wishfulthinking]

Seeking balance,

How do we give ourselves that time to get our emotional space without triggering their abandonment.  I'm working through the events of this past weekend and find I'm emotionally and physically distancing myself from him to try to get myself together and it's making him edgy.  I can't help it.  I don't want him to touch me and it's exasperating to even talk to him because everything becomes an event.  Even just a common sentence on a news report can cause him to get irritable and tell me I'm wrong or not to even talk about it.  Ebola, for instance... . I can't have an opinion on Ebola... . or the news articles I read because it fascinates me, so I know some things about it, I've been reading about it for 15 years... . He argues with me even if I state facts and let him know the report said these facts, then when I say the report said... . he tells me to just end the conversation because we will end up fighting, so basically we never talk.  Then he wants to know why I never talk to him like I do my friend.  Because she doesn't freak out over everything?  Because she respects that I am my own person?  Because it's not exhausting to talk to her?  She asked him a question the other night and he went on for 10 minutes about something and after he left the room, she looked at me and said... . geez, sorry I asked... . I just said I know right.

[maxsterling]

wishfulthinking -

What you described is pretty much the same reaction I have to dealing with my BPDgf.  I get tired of talking to her because everything is a "trigger".  I get tired of complimenting her because she refuses every compliment.  I don't like going out with her because she will always find something or someone to complain about. And my reaction is like yours - to just enjoy the peace and quiet when she is out, and be quiet when she is around - avoiding deep conversations (especially conversations involving the r/s), and pray that she goes out and does more things on her own.  And her reaction is to then get mad claiming I am pulling away or no longer love her, and then I feel guilty, and next thing I am back to focusing on her and not on me, and my to-do list still stays at two dozen items. 

My best suggestion is to constantly remind yourself that you are a good person with a good heart.  What he says is coming from his BPD, and try and not take that personally or let it bother you.  I also suggest searching for something both you and he do like to do together or talk about without too much conflict.  Watching certain TV shows together has been good for my r/s.  It makes her feel like we are doing something together without having the tiresome conversations.  And it helps soothe the abandonment fear.  It's tough, though, and I really struggle to not let her words or accusations over things I have no control over get to me.

[seeking balance]

Seeking balance,

How do we give ourselves that time to get our emotional space without triggering their abandonment. 

Million dollar question here.  Fundamentally, you cannot - but you can make it not blow up as bad.  Part of it is proper validation skills, good boundaries and the ability to let stupid stuff go.  The MC was direct with me and said, "SB - do  you want to be happy or do you want to be right".  There has to be an overlaying objective of peace and happiness over being right - I, personally, wasn't so great at that either.  I am much better now - but I have had the  luxury of time and really understanding my own boundaries and why they are important to us all.

I'm working through the events of this past weekend and find I'm emotionally and physically distancing myself from him to try to get myself together and it's making him edgy.  I can't help it.  I don't want him to touch me and it's exasperating to even talk to him because everything becomes an event. 

Successful relationships like this practice the skills - try using DEARMAN to ask for your needs right now here, on this board.

Fundamentally, we do have to be willing to put in the work to change even if they don't if we want the relationship to work... . since this is the undecided board - I fundamentally think you need to work on your staying board skills simultaneously to choosing a path - it doesn't work otherwise.

A wise senior member on staying (success story) says this as an example:

Expecting a Duck to bark is ridiculous - it makes us frustrated and pisses the duck off.

Boundaries, communication skills and self-awareness are critical for these relationships to be successful... . this is true even if your BPDpartner gets therapy.

So, use the stayers and practice DEARMAN to ask for your needs to be met in this situation - practice on these boards is honestly a critical step that a lot of people take for granted.