A Year Later

[eniale]

I have been off these boards for a long time, but this site really helped me over a terrible time in my life.  My relationship of just over a year with person with BPD ended very painfully in Feb. 2013.  He cheated on me, all the while telling me I had no need to worry about other women, I was only woman he ever would want.  This while he was establishing another relationship.  He made contact 4 mos. later & we had a few brief emails, I strung him along with a few replies, only because there was something I had not said to him & wanted to say it.  After about 5 emails back and forth I did.  He did not respond.  I did not think he would.  Then 4 months later, another email from him.  I did not respond.  Two months later, while I was with someone else, I ran into him.  Two days later he called me when I was out.  Three months after this, another email.  I did not respond.  Then 4 months later, just about a year after our breakup, another email from him.  I did not respond.

I never thought I would recover from the pain, but I have!  I thought he was person I would spend the rest of my life with.  I now see him as a very sick person.  I always knew he was difficult, but it never occurred to me it was mental illness.  To everyone who is suffering:  usually the first 2 months are the most painful, but you WILL get over it.  It has been a year post-breakup for me.  I am blessed to have met someone who is honest and honorable. 

NC is the only way to go.  During your blackest times, remember, you do not know what the future will bring, but it can only get better.  And it WILL.

[trappedinlove]

Eniale, That is so encouraging to hear.  I'm glad for you thta you managed to remain NC, get over the dark periods, and move on with your life and that you've me someone who is honest and honorable.

Thanks for sharing!

I've dated and met quite a few honest and honorable women since and some were very interested in me and building a relationship with me but I couldn't open my heart and fall in love with any of them (except for one but it didn't work out on her part... . ).  How about you?  How do you feel about your new r/s?

[HappyNihilist]

eniale, thank you so much for this post! 

I'm so happy for you that you have recovered and moved on, and that you've found a good, healthy relationship.

I'm still in a pretty dark place (about a month out) and honestly can't even think about dating right now, haha. But I have hope that it will get better. Thank you again for sharing.

[just_confused]

Thank you. This gives me hope. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow to get on an anti depressant. I have depression issues, and this situation just seems to have exacerbated it. I am glamorizing a person who doesn't deserve it. My self extreme has been screwed up by this person, and I need help. More than talking.

[blissful_camper]

This is really great news. 

I never thought I would recover from the pain, but I have! I thought he was person I would spend the rest of my life with.  I now see him as a very sick person.  I always knew he was difficult, but it never occurred to me it was mental illness. 

I needed to hear that today.  Thank you!

I too thought my ex was the person I would spend the rest of my life with, and like you I see that he is a sick person.  I haven't completely recovered from the pain yet, but I'm getting there.  I'm approaching the 12 month mark (out of the r/s). I'm happier and am feeling excited about life and my future.  I'm not ready to date, but your story gives me hope that I'll find a healthy partner some day.   

[eniale]

Glad my post about my experience has helped some of you.  Although I have moved forward in my life, my relationship with BPD person has left some scars.  He robbed me of my trust.  Trusting completely again has been the hardest part.  After the relationship ended, and I am now in a new one, promised I owed it to myself to be totally honest.  So whenever I am feeling insecure, I let the new person in my life know.  It is difficult, as I never was a needy person as trust came easily to me; now I feel vulnerable about exposing my true feelings, and also, it is embarrassing because it does sound weak and needy.  And each time I have done it, I secretly expect that he will become fed up.  All of these fears have been met with understanding and reassurance; I have been very lucky, and I know it!  My theory is this:  it is hard to be vulnerable and express your true feelings, but if you take the risk and are not met with rejection, it builds trust, the basis for any good relationship.  So it's vulnerability/trust, vulnerability/Trust, vulnerability/Trust, and if you are very lucky, vulnerability/TRUST.  I am slowly rebuilding trust, but it is a slow process.  It is just amazing how much emotional damage a BPD person can do, and trust does not return magically.  It takes time, and it is scary to leave yourself open again.  As trust builds, if you go into a slump, I have found it helps to "give yourself a good talking to", i.e. "You've been here before and this new person has not let you down.  Calm yourself.  Take a deep breath, old tapes are playing in your head."  It is an ongoing process, but I feel I am making good strides, thanks to a honorable, normal person, and their patience.  Wishing all of you success in rebuilding good lives for yourselves!  Someone very sick has affected you in a very bad way, but you can/will recover!  God bless.

[heartandwhole]

Glad my post about my experience has helped some of you.  Although I have moved forward in my life, my relationship with BPD person has left some scars.  He robbed me of my trust.  Trusting completely again has been the hardest part.  After the relationship ended, and I am now in a new one, promised I owed it to myself to be totally honest.  So whenever I am feeling insecure, I let the new person in my life know.  It is difficult, as I never was a needy person as trust came easily to me; now I feel vulnerable about exposing my true feelings, and also, it is embarrassing because it does sound weak and needy.  And each time I have done it, I secretly expect that he will become fed up.  All of these fears have been met with understanding and reassurance; I have been very lucky, and I know it!  My theory is this:  it is hard to be vulnerable and express your true feelings, but if you take the risk and are not met with rejection, it builds trust, the basis for any good relationship.  So it's vulnerability/trust, vulnerability/Trust, vulnerability/Trust, and if you are very lucky, vulnerability/TRUST.  I am slowly rebuilding trust, but it is a slow process.  It is just amazing how much emotional damage a BPD person can do, and trust does not return magically.  It takes time, and it is scary to leave yourself open again.  As trust builds, if you go into a slump, I have found it helps to "give yourself a good talking to", i.e. "You've been here before and this new person has not let you down.  Calm yourself.  Take a deep breath, old tapes are playing in your head."  It is an ongoing process, but I feel I am making good strides, thanks to a honorable, normal person, and their patience.  Wishing all of you success in rebuilding good lives for yourselves!  Someone very sick has affected you in a very bad way, but you can/will recover!  God bless.

This is great advice, eniale!  I'm so glad that you are moving forward and learning new relationship skills.  I remember reading about a good way to work toward intimacy and trust is to reveal a piece of you, and pay attention to the reception/response from your partner, and your own feelings.  Then reveal another little bit, and watch, and feel... . and again.  This is a way of learning to open slowly and in a healthier way than the "all or nothing" style many of us participated in with pwBPD.

Best wishes to you, and thank you for the positive perspective.