Avoiding her Facebook

[JohnThorn]

My breaks to NC always begin the same way.  And I want to put it out there because other people may be dealing with the same issue:

While I have her blocked on facebook, she still can show up in a photo with a mutual friend.  In fact, it's more likely than ever before... . she's out and about now, living life to the fullest.  It's sorta her MO after the end of a relationship go out there and be a complete social butterfly/mess.

So here's what happens:

I see a pic of her on facebook, OR a mutual friend will say something about her to a friend or to me in passing.

Then suddenly, I will start fighting an urge to use a fake - facebook account to see her page.  I KNOW that whatever is left public on her facebook page is there for me to see.  When we first reconciled after our first initial split (which was initiated by me nonetheless), we got back together and she knew all about what I'd be up to and I couldn't figure it out until she showed me one that she invents stalker accounts to look at facebooks of exes.  Well unfortunately, once I realized how easy it was to do this... . I made one.

So there we are, I fight the urge all day to look at her facebook.  I know that, in my heart, once I peak at her facebook, the next step for me is to contact.

The other scenario which is even worse is that when we were together we made a series of sex related videos together.  I have deleted all of them off my computer, but I still have them all in my email stored.  It's been very difficult for me to enjoy anything sexually since she's left, and occasionally (maybe more than occasionally), when I get frustrated and feel like I'm already just thinking about her anyway... . I'll break out the video and  try to convince myself that I'm just looking in order to get the "job" done.  Then I am finished and I feel like ___ for the rest of the day.  And sometimes that feeling of knowing how excited she makes me, makes me want to reach out and contact her.

Are there any techniques which will help me really officially lose contact with her?

Feeling slightly less hopeful than yesterday

[just_confused]

I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but I blocked my ex, his family and all our friends. It hurts to lose the friendships, but on the other hand, the urge not to have to risk seeing pictures of him or hearing about him is helping me right now. I can't have any contact or reminder right now. It is just too soon, and would destroy me more than I already am to see him out and about living his life as if I didn't exist. Block her phone number, emails, etc. Do what ever you can to keep her from contacting you. I am even going so far as to look for a new apartment, which I was planning to do anyway, but I have moved up the date to move because my ex's children and my child are in the same school district and same grade. I don't want to run the risk of running into him in any way, shape or form. I know it sounds like I am running away, and maybe I am, but I can't get through this worrying about whether I am going to see him. I want to get over this, and the only way I can do that is to cut him out completely. No friendship, no contact, no remembering the memories. Nothing. I need complete cut off. I know you have been struggling with this, and it is really hard and hurts, but I look at the pain of complete seperation to be better than prolonging the pain and torturing myself with continued contact. It is becoming easier for me to just keep thinking I meant nothing to him and hold on to that than to keep hoping like I have been doing for the last month.

[dillan6241]

John,

Just_confused is correct, you really have to fight the urge. What I did was also block my exBPDgf of 3.5 years from my Facebook after I went N/C, about a month after the abrupt b/u. She left me and moved out of the apartment in a week I was on business, breaking up via a text, but doing a bunch of other stuff that as crossing boundaries. I was hurt, she didn't get that and thought I was being a "whimp."

So, about a month after the b/u I went completely N/C, and this involves for me not just not replying to messages, but doing whatever I can to avoid knowing what she's up to, and yes that meant blocking her and removing mutual friends from Facebook and Twitter (there's also a feature where you can "unfollow" people so you don't see her in mutual friend's pictures). She is very into social media, posting pictures and tweets almost hourly, and its all part of her fearing being alone, putting on a facade of happiness, she has to convince herself and others shes truly happy. For me, it really has been the best thing for a month not being able to see how she dumped me like trash and then moved on to be "happy" in less than two weeks, constant partying and sleeping around. When a mutual friend of ours posted a picture of her I was really distraught, look at her so happy, and I start to question where things went wrong, what I did wrong. Really, I did NOTHING wrong, so to prevent this rumination I just remove/unfollow that friend, and then no more worries. I have had the urges to check trust me, but really the urge starts to dissipate with time and then I suddenly don't have the urge anymore. If I'm on the computer and have these urges, I come straight to these boards, watch a YouTube video/Netflix, or just go outside for a walk or sit on my porch and then it dissipates, just to get my mind off it.

Hope this helps and stay strong, it all gets better I promise.

[JohnThorn]

Hey guys. During our first initial lengthy split, I did just as JC... . I moved to a new place to get away from the memories.

Then we had a re-contact for like a week and within that week, she came over to my new place and we had sex. I'm so stupid. I wasn't even fully moved in. And now I've completely stalled on finishing the moving process because now I've tainted the new place anyway.

[just_confused]

JT. I know it hurts (God believe me I do), but you have to keep in the forefront of your mind that she is toxic for you. It is not good for a person's soul to go through what you have gone through, what I have gone through, what others on this board have gone through. Only you can take back the power and control. It is hard, and you will have to be stronger than you have ever been in your life, but once you get through this, you will emerge a stronger, better, wiser person. There are people out there who are not as screwed up as the people we are dealing with. There are people out there who can love completely and fully and have a normal relationship. They are out there. I have been hanging on to a pipe dream that isn't real. I know that, but I can't keep hanging on to the "what ifs" and "could have beens". You can't either. It will destroy you. Don't let it destroy you. Pray, walk, cry, grieve, do what you have to to move beyond this. Take the time you need, but pull up all your strength from your gut and try. 

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

I fight the same urges every day. I deleted her off my facebook, unfollowed her on twitter and instagram, but she can still see my twitter and instagram. Her facebook is private but I could still see pictures. i could check her twitter and instagram as they are public. But I KNOW, KNOW that if I see ANYTHING, Ill be upset. Anything. Literally nothing she could post wouldnt upset me because Im still kinda fresh from the breakup. i dont want to see her happy, I want to see her life a mess. But we all know they can be good at hiding what a clusterFK their life really is anyways. Just try and remind yourself that the curiosity isnt worth it. Always assume you will see something that will upset you. Nothing is worth ruining your day like that. Pictures will haunt you, innocent, stupid pictures even. If you tie checking her accounts to your direct emotional pain, it becomes easier.

[NickM]

I am 3 weeks post-breakup but I have completely disabled my FB account for now.

My good friends understand why and it allows an opportunity to have better contact and support from them at a time when I really need more than a 'like'.

I can live without FB for 3 months or so to ensure that I detach completely.

[trappedinlove]

I found that extremely challenging as well since the exposure to my BPDx is extremely triggering for me.

However, as I mentioned in my post from today, the forced avoidance made me anxious so not to stumble upon her presence via mutual friends.

I decided to mentally work on the root cause and use the exposure for desensitization and some how my urge to snoop on her disappeared since yesterday.

I hope this will remain stable but right now I honestly don't want to be exposed to her life, be part of them or for her to be part of mine. And the craving stopped.  Odd... .

[LettingGo14]

My problem with Facebook and all social media has been the "white elephant" problem -- the classic psychological study that shows if someone tells you "don't think about white elephants" we tend to think only of "white elephants."

I am at the stage where I don't want to "repress" anything but I want to stop circling my sources of pain.   If I search my ex-girlfriend I end up "triggered" -- especially if I see something like a replacement, or potential replacement.

The hardest thing, but best thing, for me has been the "wisdom of no escape."   That is, I sit with bad feeling that makes me want to search her social media.   I identify it [fear, anger, disgust, etc], then I allow it.  

The key is that we have to have self-compassion.  I'm learning that slowly.   It's a process we engage, not a switch we can flip.

[dillan6241]

The hardest thing, but best thing, for me has been the "wisdom of no escape."   That is, I sit with bad feeling that makes me want to search her social media.   I identify it [fear, anger, disgust, etc], then I allow it.  

LettingGo,

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by this. Are you saying that we should look for example at their Facebook, or more that we should focus on our feelings and ourselves in the moment to get over the urge to look.

Personally for me, she has no part in my life, and I have no part in my exBPDgf, so not looking has been a big help. I went through a few weeks where it was all I could do and it was tearing me apart. And even if we nons do look at the BPD's social media, what does it serve? How does it benefit us in anyway? It really doesn't... . someone else said that all they'll do is post the best on FB/Twitter to conceal the pain/past/suffering underneath that they refuse to deal with.

[LettingGo14]

Are you saying that we should look for example at their Facebook, or more that we should focus on our feelings and ourselves in the moment to get over the urge to look.

Hey Dillan -- I mean that we should "focus on our feelings and ourselves in the moment to get over the urge to look." 

Personally for me, she has no part in my life, and I have no part in my exBPDgf, so not looking has been a big help. I went through a few weeks where it was all I could do and it was tearing me apart. And even if we nons do look at the BPD's social media, what does it serve? How does it benefit us in anyway? It really doesn't... . someone else said that all they'll do is post the best on FB/Twitter to conceal the pain/past/suffering underneath that they refuse to deal with.

I agree with you completely that detaching is very much helped by "not looking."

[Lamaiel]

To me, looking at social media (Facebook, snapchat, instagram, etc.) of the exBPD almost has addictive qualities.  I am 2 months out, and made it 5 days before I checked yesterday.  Checking the social media literally makes me nervous.  What has her and the replacement been doing?  How much fun is she having?  There is NOTHING productive or positive that can come out of looking at social media.  The only thing behind that door are triggers and pain... . yet the urge to check in on her life is almost overwhelming at times.

[Fool for Love]

Social media is a lie you need to not twist that knife in your heart anymore . I mean , heck , if you looked at my Facebook page you would think I am a happy fellow I have been NC for 6 weeks and haven't looked at any of her social media for 4 weeks ... I still have the urge ... Bit every time I looked it was "happy" replacement pictures ... So why should I hurt myself ... They are attention grabbers ... Stop making yourself suffer ... I still love my exgf ... But since the fog has lifted I know that she is not the person for me because of the boundaries she has crossed with the cheating and lying ... I respect myself better than that ... Or last we all should ... Hang in there John ... I would suggest you go to a therapist cause you are fighting deeper issues of more than just your ex ... I know it's hard ... But it's ok to be alone (no relationship) and there are healthy people out in this huge world that would respect you and love you . Another person is not the keeper of your happiness ... You are in control of that ...

[Turkish]

Block, block, and block again. And don't let any mutual friends update you on anything.

I had a picture burning party in my backyard the other night (me and a buddy--- he needed some solace from a horrible break up with his BPD-like gf). I burned a staged shot of uBPDxand I kissing with me holding a flower, taken in the first few months of our r/s. He looked at it and said it pissed him off because he had seen an identical pic on her FB page with my replacement. I felt like hell for about a day. I'm anxious because I have to see her tonight as she's showing up at my son's soccer practice. Not sure why she is coming, as it's my day with the kids, but it's her right, I guess... . perhaps in a way to see me more than briefly about once a week as it's been. She says to show me where it is in the complex, as if I can't figure it out, or just ask DS4 to show me.

[arielleis]

Block, block, block, or you will end up in pain big time.

Allow me to share my experience. When I broke up with my exBPD she tried to reel me in for two weeks. To no avail. She was telling me she wanted to move to NY with me etc etc.

Then after two weeks, she tells me she is now committed to a relationship. I had already unfriended her on Facebook, so she started plastering public pictures of her and her new man all over the place.

Her on holidays with him etc... .

It was excruciating. When I blocked her, she removed all the pictures (yes I snooped from another account). When I unblocked her, she put them back.

Long story short, they are MASTER liars. Don't snoop, you will suffer A LOT. Block them from Fb, Instagram, any outlet.

AL

[HappyNihilist]

NC is more than just not directly contacting the person. It's about you disengaging from that person.

I stopped using Facebook over a year ago, and my exbf doesn't use social media. (He doesn't like to leave a trail, haha.) So I fortunately don't even have the temptation. We did use an app together that let us text and share pictures and see where the other person was. I deleted that a few days after the breakup, because I found myself just signing in to look at old photos or check to see his location. I had some withdrawal for a couple of days, not going to lie; however, I haven't been anything but exceptionally glad that I did it.

You can't move on and heal if you're checking in on your ex. You'll only cause yourself further pain.

[LettingGo14]

NC is more than just not directly contacting the person. It's about you disengaging from that person.

You can't move on and heal if you're checking in on your ex. You'll only cause yourself further pain.

Very well said HN!

[Lamaiel]

Also remember that many times Facebook will give an illusion (regardless of BPD or not), that an individual is happy.  On Facebook and other social media sites, you are only seeing the "highlights" of their life, which for all you know are few and far between.  Nobody is posting pictures of tears and depression and laying in bed.

I like to look back at myself in this regard.  When my exBPD ended it with me, one of the first things I did over the next month was post pictures of all the places I was going, all the fun I was having, all the smiles and happiness with friends, all the funny jokes and inspirational quotes.  In reality, I was going through hell... . but you didn't see me posting pictures of myself crying on bathroom floor, or waking up  in the middle of the night with anxiety and cold sweats.

Social media IS NEVER an accurate indicator of the quality of an individual's life.

[Lamaiel]

Additionally, one of more difficult challenges for me has been avoiding reading all our text messages from the past, trying to analyze them, and put a logical spin on things.  I must have had 4 months of messages stored on my phone, all ready to be hyper analyzed and a means to relive a past I am trying to forget

[HappyNihilist]

Additionally, one of more difficult challenges for me has been avoiding reading all our text messages from the past, trying to analyze them, and put a logical spin on things.  I must have had 4 months of messages stored on my phone, all ready to be hyper analyzed and a means to relive a past I am trying to forget

Ah yes, the texts. I have pretty much our entire 2 years' worth of texts saved. I honestly feel sick at the thought of reading them. I'll save that for much, much later (I'm thinking at least a year). For research purposes, they're probably very interesting. When I have that level of detachment, then I'll consider looking at them.

[Changingman]

No country for old men is such an amazing film. The lines in it are dazzling. When we talk of mental illness and the hazard we put ourselves in. I find it hard not to think of the spiritual dimension to this. I am not religious but have had to have a spiritual rebirth to survive this, I don't mean find God, but how a persons moral, interpersonal and emotional life is rooted in some kind of concept of soul.

The line from the film that has helped me to stay away from any contact is

"The crime you see now, it's hard to even take its measure. It's not that I'm afraid of it. I always knew you had to be willing to die to even do this job. But I don't want to push my chips forward and go out. ... . and meet something I don't understand. A man would have to put his soul at hazard. He'd have to say, "OK. I'll be part of this world. "

Take care you really are damaging yourself, you have been to a dark place. Learning the reasons why you got there is the gift, self realisation. What is solid in you, what's left after being beaten, what has value for you, what is self abuse, what is strength, denial, love, respect, boundaries, empathy, hatred, alcoholism? BPD seems a distorted reflection of emotions and behaviours and fragmented lost self. But if it is not real, if it is a stunted, False soul, then what is an authentic soul.

Stay away and stay strong.

[lemon flower]

even without seeing pics of her on FB or hearing news of her, she's in your mind, probably all the time, this is a painful period not only because you suffer from the loss and the desillusion, but also because a part of you does not want to let her go (yet)

accept this is happening within you, and don't try to fight it too hard... .

so, you did bump into a picture of her ?

look at it, feel the pain and then just klick it away !

next step, get away from that d*mn PC and do something actively: clean your house, make a walk, call a friend... . anything to avoid you're just sitting there and moaning

third step: repeat this over and over again until it doesn't hurt as much anymore, and you start to enjoy your "normal" activities

fourth step: be happy that she's no longer part of your life, realising that you're heading up to a better life without her... .  

ofcourse you should block her as an "active" friend but I wouldn't go so far to block everyone else too... . you don't have to put yourself in an isolation-cell do you ? you are not the one that has to be "punished" are you ?

in general I think you should fight the temptation to spend too much time on social media whether it is FB or even this forum... . I found I had to put myself to a limit on the amount of time I spent here dwelling in BPD-issues who can be very helpful but can also be too confrontating... .

too much is too much, after all you want to leave this behind... .

do "normal" active things , move, and try to enjoy the small things

[lemon flower]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5csAepoiRYw