My best friend has been flirting with my ex BPD.

[Narellan]

I'm devastated today. For weeks I've been NC with my ex BPD and my " best friend" has been supporting me through it, saying he's a nut job, he's messing with my head, don't talk to him again. I've been really battling the NC because I see everything he posts on FB . Brainwave at 4 am I remembered his FB password and logged into his account, read his messages and made myself sick. I thought he was trying to recycle with his ex, but that proved to be wrong. Instead he's been in daily contact with my best friend and she's even sent him photos of her in her bikini on holidays. Lots of talk about getting together. He said I had issues and was an alcoholic and she ran me down. Did nothing to defend me at all. I knew something was going on but she had denied she had been in contact with him. I am really happy I finally know. My best friend is in an affair with a married man and has another 3 young men she regularly sleeps with. No one knows her life like me. She comes across as a classy older woman and is very attractive. I deactivated my Facebook account and will never have anything to do with either of them again. I'm more hurt by the betrayal than losing her. I would have defended him to the end so I'm sick to the stomach that this is finally over with him because I've been changing boards on here not sure whether to go back to him. Now I never can and the truth really hurts. Funny though cos with it comes a sense of peace that I'm not going crazy after all. As a single mum and so is my best friend we only really have had each other she has been my whole social network. I have to change my whole life now and it's so daunting. This has all only happened in the last hour and I'm still in shock. If there's anyone out there that can offer some kind words is really appreciate it. I've known my best friend for 20 years, and we've been inseparable for 2 years since my marriage breakdown. I can't ever forgive her. I'm dreading the showdown, and I don't want to disclose the FB info. I'm really struggling.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I am so sorry this is happening to you.  If there is one thing to take away here is that you CAN trust your gut instincts!  I ignored mine and was lead astray, albeit willingly.

Please be easy with yourself and try to avoid being sucked back into any drama that could further harm you.  YOU are the priority now... .

Big hugs to you.

CiF

[imstronghere2]

I can only imagine how badly you feel.  I know all too well the feeling of being betrayed by those that we love but you got a double dose and nobody deserves that.  I guess it's better that you know now rather than later.   She has no moral compass and you don't need people in your life like that. 

[Dog biscuit]

Hey Narellan,

What a scumbag! Both of them! I know it hurts like hell, and the betrayal cuts deep. I experienced something similair to what you are going trough now, and I had to let my 'best friend" go in order to stay sane.

It was hard, but I withdrew myself from the situation, I stayed out of it as far as I could. When my 'best friend' was contacting me, I told her that I didnt feel supported by her without mentioning any specifics, and that I needed some space. I didnt share anymore personal information with her, and distanced myself from the 'friendship".

I dont know if she is still in contact with my ex now, but I suppose they are. I have no doubt that they deserve each other and that the situation will unfold itself. I dont want anymore drama in my life, not from my ex, and not from my former "best" friend. Let them create their own drama. I will stay as far as possible from it.

You can choose to disclose the info you have about their contact, but before you choose to do that you have to figure out what it is that you want to do with the friendship. Do you want to cut her out of your life, or do you want to hear her version of the story. It will hurt either way.

Hang in there, this sucks big time!

[goldylamont]

My best friend is in an affair with a married man and has another 3 young men she regularly sleeps with.

i learned this hard lesson earlier in life when i had to cut one of my best friends off. he had a gf at the time but was cheating on her at the time. i knew about it but tried not to "judge" him, it was his situation i thought at the time. but what you realize is that people like this are opportunists. if you have something they want they will treat you with the same disrespect they treat everyone else. since being lied to by my friend like that i stay away from men/women who are ok being deceptive with others--sure they can be your "friend" for long periods of time but they'll throw you under the bus to take something from you if it comes to that.

if someone lacks integrity with others, they won't have it for you when it counts. remember this.

so terribly sorry you are going through this. 

[Narellan]

Thanks all. I've stopped throwing up now and decided to reactivated my FB account so as not to arouse suspicion. She messaged immediately just testing the water to see if I reply, just about weather and work. I replied straight back like nothing has happened. I think my best option is to gradually break contact with her. Not confront her at all. I saw her side if the story from her replies to him and I know everything about her. The friendship is over. As I'm in NC with him apart from FB friends ill keep NC. He is out of my life but if he gets angry with me for hacking his account I don't know what he's capable of. So best to tread softly softly and karma will sort it out . I'm completely in shock. She doesn't want him, doesn't find him attractive and had nothing nice to ever say about him. Even last week she bagged him, while flirting with him on FB behind my back. She can never get enough attention from men. But I loved him completely so it's killing me. I want to yell and scream and slap her but it will escalate things hugely. Thanks for the support guys x

[wrigley52]

I have been through something similar and it really sucks... . I was engaged to my fiancé and he cheated and I confronted the girl, I ended up kicking him out and they ended up together. She contacted me in Jan and said I was right and he cheated on her he is a serial cheater and liar. Well she talked so bad about him and he started texting her but she didn't go back and we talked and I forgave her. He lied to her in the beginning telling her we were just roomates. He raged and said some nasty things to her for the last 3 months. Then all of a sudden she emailed me said her soul was searching for him for 32 years and he said he would change. She took him back... . talk about kick in the pants... . Hang in there I really know how you feel... .

Wrigley

[Louise7777]

Narellan, shes a childish attention-seeker. Pathetic, if you ask me. Didnt you ever notice some histrionic traits on her? Sounds like she needs all the attention she can get from men, at whatever cost.

We all had friends like her, unfortunately. I put them in the "very selfish self-centered people" category. It means to me they only think about themselves all the time. If they dont hurt us its cause it makes them no good, otherwise they´d do it. Maybe she didnt have the opportunity earlier. Or more probable, you didnt notice it. She has no moral compass, as somebody said and at some point, she would turn her guns on you.

Best of luck.

[JohnThorn]

OMFG

I could totally see this happening to me, btw.  My BPD ex would constantly tell me how she was going to go after one of my friends to hurt me... .

ANYWAY... .

I see a silver lining in all this.

The silver lining is this Narellan: you've lived through the worst betrayal imaginable.  I'm sure you've confided in your friend how sick your ex is.  I'm sure you have conveyed your pain enough so that any decent human being, with a moral compass would have enough compassion to avoid temptations (and betrayals of the worst kind).

i would rather be devastated by an ugly soul (or a pair of ugly souls), then be an ugly soul who devastated someone.  Maybe its more painful to be on your side of the equation than your friend's or your ex's side of the equation, BUT... . there's happiness coming your way that's deserved... . somewhere in your future, you will find peace and happiness... . your friend and your ex will have a much harder time in their future finding that same peace and just.  Even should nothing escalate of their inappropriate behaviors (don't want to put ideas in your head)... . a tainted soul suffers ultimately. 

[Narellan]

Thanks John you're right about the silver lining but there are so many more aspects to this horror. My ex is a professional photographer and has posted nudes of me on FB . He has removed them all when I asked but I now forever have to keep an eye on him, it sickens me because if he becomes angry with me he has so much ammunition to use. He will destroy my life if he chooses to. I am barely function as I write this, I'm scared stiff. And I hate having to pretend to them both that I know nothing. I just clicked like on one of his photos FFS cos I need to stay in the friend zone. If he deletes me I can't keep watch anymore, and now I've hacked his FB page I'm terrified he will find out and make me pay. I just can't see a good way out of this for me. I just want to crawl into a hole. None of my family speak to me anymore because they saw the first nude he posted. I feel totally isolated and overwhelmed. And yes I confided so much to my friend and she bare face lied to me and bagged him. I never bagged him I loved him so much, and was swaying toward taking him back. Nevertheless she could use the info I told her against me. My thought process is becoming increasingly bad today I can only see one way out. Thank god I have to go to work shortly and my job is very consuming so I will have my mind occupied. Hopefully the vomiting eases by then. I can't believe this betrayal.

[momtara]

Sorry to hear that.  It is devastating.  Sounds like she has a real need for attention, maybe a mental illness herself.  I guess it's good you found out, but so hard to lose a friend.

I just discovered that there are tons of meetup groups in my area, some for specific things like single people 40-45 and survivors of breakups and boosy book lovers.  Maybe you can find new support

[JohnThorn]

It sounds like there's a lot of potential unknown here.  A lot of things you fear COULD go wrong, COULD get worse, or COULD disgrace you.  

The rational thinker in you (and in all of us) knows that you can't control the outcome of these things.  If he wants to make things worse for you he can but only in a very surface-like way.  If he chooses to post pics of you he can.  Ultimately, it would be a stupid and potentially illegal move on his part.  And I've never read a case of anyone being legally examined for breaking into a facebook account.  On a NON Surface level, on a level of truly life altering scenarios, there's nothing your ex can do to you from afar.  If I were in your shoes (I have at least one shoe on anyway)... . I would be mortified and devastated too.  I don't even know if I would make it into work so you are a really strong person and I have much respect... . try to look at this moment as a revolving door moment... . Not in the sense that you are contemplating a reunion with your ex (you may be anyway, but that's beside the point)... . I am speaking merely of giving this situation and this man & friend the amount of consideration and time allotment that they clearly don't deserve... . you are spinning in a revolving door and you have the option to walk into entrance side of the building or out of the exit side.  The revolving door moment is always the most frantic because it has the most "What ifs" and the most uncertainty.  

I feel for you

Stay strong!

[blissful_camper]

Hi Narellan,

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  :)id you sign a model release when he made those photographs?  If not, he cannot post them on Facebook, or exhibit them online or in a gallery setting, or anywhere.  

This must be so unsettling to you, but don't allow those two to put you in a situation where you're an emotional hostage.  If he doesn't have a model release, consider mailing him (certified mail) a formal letter forbidding him to use those photographs of you.  You then have legal recourse if he continues to make those photographs public.

I understand your fears.  If I were in your shoes, I would remove myself from the equation. The longer you stay in it, you run the risk of getting caught up in their web.  Let her go, send certified mail to him (if there's no model release), and get out of their way.  Hugs.  

[Narellan]

Thanks guys xx and no I didn't sign anything but he has already posted and removed a few. Thanks for the advice I may take that step. I was unaware I could stop this.

[Sunny Side]

Narellan, I'm so sorry to hear about all of this, as if the r/s with your BPDex wasn't soul-crushing enough :'(.  But there's hope once you eventually emerge from the wreckage and crawl towards the light as quickly as honestly as you can.  Here are some of the things that have helped me.

Brainwave at 4 am I remembered his FB password and logged into his account, read his messages and made myself sick. I thought he was trying to recycle with his ex, but that proved to be wrong. Instead he's been in daily contact with my best friend and she's even sent him photos of her in her bikini on holidays. Lots of talk about getting together. He said I had issues and was an alcoholic and she ran me down. Did nothing to defend me at all.

This sounds like classic Triangulation.  Do a search on this site to learn about it and the Karpman Triangle.   Your friend of 20 years is in for a rude awakening as she will soon find herself shifted into the persecutor's role and eventually discarded.

I knew something was going on but she had denied she had been in contact with him. I am really happy I finally know. My best friend is in an affair with a married man and has another 3 young men she regularly sleeps with.

Boy is this a tough one.  It seems there's a stage in life where many of our 'adult' friends, even our close ones, have given up on "healthy" relationships in favor of those which deflect, numb or project the inner pain of interrupted lives.  It would be hard for me not to confront that person at the appropriate time, but this is a choice you must give careful thought and consideration to before engaging that confrontation.  I would rather apply the emotion toward my own healing as early as possible as your friend's choices and their consequences will ultimately be hers to bear.

I would have defended him to the end so I'm sick to the stomach that this is finally over with him because I've been changing boards on here not sure whether to go back to him.

Have you thought deeply about why you feel compelled to defend a person whose behaviors toward you were not sufficiently honorable, respectful or trustworthy enough to defend? 

As a single mum and so is my best friend we only really have had each other she has been my whole social network. I have to change my whole life now and it's so daunting. This has all only happened in the last hour and I'm still in shock. If there's anyone out there that can offer some kind words is really appreciate it. I've known my best friend for 20 years, and we've been inseparable for 2 years since my marriage breakdown. I can't ever forgive her. I'm dreading the showdown, and I don't want to disclose the FB info. I'm really struggling.

These relationships have a way of exposing some of our most primal fears and grandest illusions about how we see ourselves and how we want to live our lives.  And yes, it's very daunting.  I'm there, too.  But I realize had I tried to keep my batsh!t crazy r/s afloat and somehow found a way to control (key word there) all the spinning plates just to make it resemble a healthy one, I would've had to become a person I could never be comfortable with.  A numb, empty shell.

When you're in your calmest state, which I'm sure is nearly impossible right now with all the new developments, ask yourself in earnest if you are ready to leave this relationship behind.  In the FOG it may even be just a fleeting moment of clarity but try to latch onto it when it comes.  There are some great tools on this site (I think in the "Tools" section -- Learning Center > Workshops > Tools) about the true purpose of going No Contact versus what we might have thought or wanted it to be.  Read them and evaluate whether this is a next step for you.  You can also ask one of the advisers or mods to tip you to some good threads about the healing powers of NC (as opposed to the punitive) as there are many.

There are also several great threads on the site about re-engagement and the notion of a post r/s friendship with your BPD ex.  I've found this thread by member G.J. to be VERY lucid and helpful, especially regarding No Contact.  Give it a look, her strong language was very helpful to me.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95368.0

The FB photo issues are certainly troublesome but as others noted you can research what your rights are as far as having your image republished without your permission.  You absolutely have rights there, and it's worth a google search to find out what they are ("Removing Illegal Facebook Photos" is where I'd start).  Perhaps start a thread regarding FB photos as I'm sure others on the forums have experienced this, too. 

I know a "silver lining" seems so far in the future right now it might as well be abstract, but imo it's never to early to start visualizing your detachment plan (and you are on the leaving board) even if in the present moment the pain is just too intense to focus on much. 

Last, you may try writing out a "Facts" vs "Feelings" lists.  This helps me even less than a month out of my own 14 month r/s.  On one side list the feelings you had about the r/s, how it made you feel and how you wanted it to be, and on the other side list only the factual behaviors, yours included, of what the r/s really was. 

An example:

Side One (feeling):  He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me which made me feel special and truly loved.

Side Two (fact):  He is a serial cheater and a liar and I likely could never trust him. 

Side One:  When I was with him I felt like I was living on a cloud.

Side Two:  I had to compromise my own personal boundaries and hack into his FB account just to confirm my suspicion that he was in fact betraying me.  How can I have a real friendship with this as a foundation?

As you keep adding to the list at some point in the not-to-distant future you may consider yourself lucky that the r/s lasted only 4 months.   But for now it's okay to grieve.

[blissful_camper]

Thanks guys xx and no I didn't sign anything but he has already posted and removed a few. Thanks for the advice I may take that step. I was unaware I could stop this.

Ah! he's a sloppy professional photographer. His loss, your gain. He lost his freedom to do what he wants with those photos when he neglected to get the model release from you.  All he's entitled to do with them is look at them in private.  

[Narellan]

Guys thank you ! i cant tell you how much better i feel, and the model release info has been like a weight lifted from my shoulders. Also he has been posting photos today of landscapes and seems totally oblivious to being hached Phew ! I thought he may have received a fb notification or something so that was making me sick. At this stage I am never going to make mention of that, write him the letter re photos, deactivate my facebook account, and tell my friend i need to end our friendship due to the large number of disturbing factors, (not mentioning him at all). I have so many other reasons to ditch her, ill just do it in a few days time, so none of the fb stuff is questioned. Im feeling really positive about turning this around now, i needed to work 8 hours and give my brain a rest from the all consuming roundabout. Plus took several vitamin B super stress tabs with a glass of wine So tonight i say F*#k them both. Will be a different story probably tomorrow but ill cross that bridge then. Thankyou Sunnyside, you have given me lots of resource info and i am hungry to read it. Another comment my best friend made to me when after the split i asked her if she had heard from him, she replied "No, he wont contact me, he would know how much trouble it would cause between us" That cuts me to the core, because the day before she said it she had been messaging about meeting up, and been in touch with him for weeks. Plus i remembered he sent her a phot of him and i kissing on some rocks with "hahahaha" underneath the photo. What the heck ! Is he laughing at me, or trying to get a reaction from her. He just does my head in. And i am far from an alcoholic too, 1 wine a few times a week. I might be one in a few weeks time , but it pisses me off that he said that. That was the only bad thing he said i guess so theres the silver lining there. I handled the split with dignity and calmness and let him call the shots and bow out, agreed to be friends with him. I didnt rant, have not attempted to share any of my pain with him. He has nothing bad on me. Thanks again everyone.