I feel ashamed for having loved her

[Octoberfest]

I haven't been on here much... . a sign I see of "getting better".  Life is taking priority again... . about time. I have spent inordinate amounts of time thinking about the r/s, about her, etc, trying to work through and process triggers so that I do not find myself going about my day and suddenly have my mood/mindset plummet because of some spontaneous memory or visual cue. But today, a thought crept up on me and got me down.

I remembered a time during the relationship that I was at my BPDex's friends house.  There were a few of us hanging out there, and somehow the topic of conversation turned to sharing our craziest sexual experiences.  Compared to the other people in the room, I was very naive.   My BPDex was my 3rd ever.  I was late 20's if not many, many more (depending on if she was lying, as she did about so many other things) for my BPDex.  At one point my BPDex shares this story about her in high school (she was 22 when she was telling this) when she and a friend split up and each had sex with a guy, then when they were both done one asked the other, "how was it for you?".  The other replied, "I don't know, how was it for you?".  They both shrugged, walked past each other, and had sex with guy they hadn't been with yet (minutes after they had just been with their first one).  I remembered the feeling of sitting there, hearing this, and wondering "Who am I dating? Who am I in love with?".  Sure, there are all sorts of different sexual lifestyles and preferences out there... . but I want a partner I can respect, and a girl who will go and sleep with two different dudes within minutes of each other out of curiosity is NOT someone I can respect.  

Remembering this today made me feel pretty worthless... . There is a saying out there that says something to the effect of, "You are the company you keep".  I am ashamed for having loved a girl who has so little self-respect, and who sleeps around like she does.

I don't have much else to say... . I don't want her back, I know she is sick, but it is still hard.

[fromheeltoheal]

My experience is folks experiment a lot in their late teens/early twenties, some more than others, all part of growing up and figuring out who you are, who other people are, and what they like and don't.  And then by late twenties/early thirties folks narrow down the type of person they like, meet one, get married, have kids, live happily ever after; can you hear the string music?  Then again, some people marry their high school sweetheart, someone they've known since they were 15, and stay married for 60 years, lucky I say, but to each his own.

Anyway, I tend to cut someone young a little slack for their experimentation, of course it needs to be weighed against your own morals and values, but I had my fun at that age too so I can't say much.  My borderline ex had over 60 partners that she told me about, it was probably double that, not because she had an especially active sex drive mind you, more she was impulsive, used random sex as a way to soothe, and she got plenty of attention from the current conquest which she considered an attachment, as fleeting as they were.

Feelings and beliefs about sex are one of the things that determines who we are and who we want to hang out with.  I have male friends who have had sex with hundreds of women and ones who are middle age virgins, and everywhere in between, and it does inform our relationship a little bit; I tend to look up to the conquestors and down on the virgins a little, at least in that area, since I'm somewhere in the middle, but then again what do I know.