Advice on how to "detach with love"?

[ziniztar]

The last couple of weeks I've become aware that I feel responsible for keeping the relationship alive, and that I've been making decisions not in my best behalf but in his and/or ours. That realization is slowly beginning to dawn on me and I'm aware that I'm not doing very well.

I am fortunate to have a dBPDbf that is actively seeking treatment. However, it's not going that well with him and I feel like I just can't always be there for him anymore. I have a new job (started 2 weeks ago), gained 14 pounds in 6 months, don't exercise anymore, don't feel like seeing my friends, drink wine every day simply to 'cope' with all the stress. That can't be good.

I've already tried to look for a therapist but somehow my diagnosis (they scramble it into an "identity crisis" isn't covered by insurance and I don't have 95euro's every week to discuss this stuff. I know there is a lot I personally  can work on and not everything that is "wrong" at this moment is due to my dBPDbf.

What stings though is that he can't be there for me. I feel alone and hurt by the fact my boyfriend can't be there for me when I'm not doing well. We have very difficult work schedules (me 9-18, he 16 till 4am) and live in different cities. Due to a pregnancy leave at his work he has to work 6 days a week leaving barely any room to really see each other.

Long story > short story: I'm not doing well and I'm aware of it. I'm trying to step back from the responsibility to arrange that we can see each other even though he plans ahead with band practice and other activity during scarce potential "our time", and putting myself first. I'm just not really good at it yet. Talking over the phone while working (either him or me) does not satisfy me and makes me more angry.

The question: how do I detach with love? Over the phone, or even in text?

Earlier this day I tried, and sent him "I need to be out of contact for a day ok? I feel really angry and need to find out where it comes from." I've explained some of the emotional neglect stuff to him and showed him a page in a book that described me, so he knows I'm dealing with my own issues.

"I'll call you tomorrow at 14h ok?"

"15:15" (which didn't make ANY sense at all given his time spent during the day but okay I'll let him have that one)

Then an hour ago I thought "NO! This is not how I set a boundary. This is not how I detach with love. I'm forcing him not to contact me and sending a message that he can't reach me if he needs me."

I sent back: "Sorry, that didn't make sense. I shouldn't force this on you. I'm gonna have to deal with this myself. I'm taking a bath and doing some other stuff, I might put my phone away for a while so I'll respond later. But you can always contact me if you want to; I need to find a different way to deal with this instead not allowing you to contact me. Good luck at work and enjoy your night.  "

So again: how do you "detach with love"? Even more when you're not in the same room and need some space? Do you not tell your SO that you're not doing well? Do you announce that you're gonna be off the radar for a while? Or just not reply?  Was it good that I changed my message or did that make it even worse?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tired-of-it-all]

A wise person once told me:  "If you cannot detach with love then detach any way that you can."  She said detaching with love would come later.  I had to detach from the chaos and clear my head before I could detach with love.

[ziniztar]

A wise person once told me:  "If you cannot detach with love then detach any way that you can."  She said detaching with love would come later. 

Thanks. That lowers the pressure.

[an0ught]

Hi ziniztar,

The last couple of weeks I've become aware that I feel responsible for keeping the relationship alive, and that I've been making decisions not in my best behalf but in his and/or ours. That realization is slowly beginning to dawn on me and I'm aware that I'm not doing very well.

Being aware what we invest is important. Only when we feel there is a real choice we can be committed to our relationship and move out of the victim zone.

Earlier this day I tried, and sent him "I need to be out of contact for a day ok? I feel really angry and need to find out where it comes from." I've explained some of the emotional neglect stuff to him and showed him a page in a book that described me, so he knows I'm dealing with my own issues.

"I'll call you tomorrow at 14h ok?"

"15:15" (which didn't make ANY sense at all given his time spent during the day but okay I'll let him have that one)

How do you think he will feel about what you wan to do - are you prepared to validate abandonment? What about SET? Boundaries - What about taking complete ownership of your decision? What about JADE?

These are all tools you can employ 

[ziniztar]

How do you think he will feel about what you wan to do - are you prepared to validate abandonment? What about SET? Boundaries - What about taking complete ownership of your decision? What about JADE?

These are all tools you can employ  

Hi An0ught, thanks for your reply. I'm a bit confused now , so I have a few questions.

1) I find the tools to be very helpful when I'm with him. But what always triggers me is not answering my texts in a way that is fast enough. How can I set boundaries there? "If he does not respond within 8 hours of my text I will take a bath?" And then the next day I wake up and didn't hear from him again. How long do I wait? When do I answer his call or reply his text then without retaliating? It feels like he's in complete control - and he knows it. NB there is a difference between him being dysregulated and not talking to me and giving me the could shoulder - and temporarily not responding fast enough. I've had that with other boyfriends as well so I find it very hard to see what is reasonable and what is not. In that first situation I know to step away from it, but it's this grey-ish limbo of not being completely needy and not wishing me into a grave > when our relationship seems 'normal' > I don't know what to do.

2) Explaining some of my behavior is never done in the heat of the moment, but a few days later when we're talking about us and how things are going. We try to understand each other and he even sometimes stops me and says "oh wait now you're going too fast, I didn't get that one". It seems like a "mature-ish" conversation then. Is it still JADE-ing then?

Thanks

[an0ught]

1) I find the tools to be very helpful when I'm with him. But what always triggers me is not answering my texts in a way that is fast enough. How can I set boundaries there? "If he does not respond within 8 hours of my text I will take a bath?" And then the next day I wake up and didn't hear from him again. How long do I wait? When do I answer his call or reply his text then without retaliating? It feels like he's in complete control - and he knows it. NB there is a difference between him being dysregulated and not talking to me and giving me the could shoulder - and temporarily not responding fast enough. I've had that with other boyfriends as well so I find it very hard to see what is reasonable and what is not. In that first situation I know to step away from it, but it's this grey-ish limbo of not being completely needy and not wishing me into a grave > when our relationship seems 'normal' > I don't know what to do.

What about you decided on a pre-determined schedule for follow-up? Possibly even let him know it or keep it for yourself. Boundaries are rules for yourself and should protect you - in this case from over-reacting and exhibiting extinction burst type behavior. You still will feel abandoned but you will not constantly question your course of action. You act in line with the best course you have decided and can at least feel a little bit better about yourself.

Can't tell you what is reasonable maybe others can chip in here. But at some time some escalation and seeking voice contact may be also part of it - after all you are feeling some emotions, emotions are strong signals and emotions are better carried by voice (but be careful what emotions and how strong - it is a thin line dealing with pwBPD).

2) Explaining some of my behavior is never done in the heat of the moment, but a few days later when we're talking about us and how things are going. We try to understand each other and he even sometimes stops me and says "oh wait now you're going too fast, I didn't get that one". It seems like a "mature-ish" conversation then. Is it still JADE-ing then?

If you feel it is healthy and mature then by all means continue it. 

[MissyM]

It sounds like you are asking about setting boundaries more than detaching.  There is a really good chapter in a book, Facing Love Addiction, on detaching with love.  The rest of the book didn't really apply for my dBPDh and I but that chapter was so beneficial to me.  Also, at Alanon they are really good on detaching with love.  I used to detach with anger but am able to do it in a loving way now, when I need to.

For me it has to do with radical acceptance. 

[ziniztar]

It sounds like you are asking about setting boundaries more than detaching.  

For me it has to do with radical acceptance.  

I think I'm trying to set a boundary in order to detach with love. Otherwise I do what you did: I get angry and then I step away in a fighting mode, leaving him behind quite confused. I usually get angry that I don't get enough attention, that he doesn't reply quick enough. If I've seen him enough in that week we're ok, but when I haven't seen him for a few days I think the 'object consistency' trait (or was it another one?) kicks in; he doesn't really miss me at that point. I notice it because the length of calls/texts is declining as you would expect it to grow since you haven't seen each other for a while?

An0ught, I think you're hitting it when you say that if I set a boundary for myself, I won't continuously question my course of action. A T once diagnosed me with 'impaired autonomy development' - not in a functional kind of way, but in the way where I wasn't able to express myself as a child and learn to trust my own decisions in life. Mix that with the constant feeling of not getting enough love and I'm constantly thinking: "Is he ignoring me? Why am I still in this? Am I settling for less? I should deserve more attention!" The hard part is that I know that's there with other boyfriends as well, so it's not a BPD thing, although he does trigger me with it.

How do these rules sound to you:

"If he is at work, I don't expect him to call or text until after his shift."

"If he does not respond to me in 8 hours, I send him a boundary/SET text." (something along the lines of: It seems like you're really busy now, I get that. I would really like to hear your voice today, is that still possible? I go to bed/go to work/... +a timeframe.

"If he does not respond to me in a day, I give him a call and ask him how he's doing."

The difficult thing: he facebooks, he gets online on Whatsapp, without replying me, for hours. That hurts the most. Sometimes he even responds to a public Facebook post but ignores my more important request that I've texted. I feel ignored and unimportant. I think that's where the radical acceptance comes in... and I haven't really covered that quite yet.

@MissyM, thanks for the book advice. I'll look into it.