Have cried all day today

[Narellan]

Felt so strong last night and today I'm a mess. You'll have to read my prior posts cos I've got no energy to talk about it anymore. I made contact with my family After 5 weeks of silent treatment and they responded with love. I feel Rockbottom. I sat in the bath and looked at the veins in my wrists black thoughts and I can't stop crying.

I'm so distraught to lose my lover and also my best friend. I'm devastated by the betrayal. A glimmer of hope tho when I text my mum, but now I feel burdened with guilt for putting them through this. He has single handedly destroyed my relationships with everyone I loved. And no remorse or empathy or the slightest inching of how he has hurt me. Just painted me black and moved on within a few hours with my " best friend" I'm really grieving so many things today and can't stop crying. No anger just pain. I just want it all to end.

[corraline]

narellan

sorry you are in so much pain. do not abandon yourself in all of this.  hate to sound cliche but "this too shall pass" and it will.  we can't avoid pain in life but joy is always around the corner. we can't let someone else's choices or behavior destroy us. hold onto to yourself please.

[AG]

The same thing happened to me last weekend. I was near hospitalization and was consistently thinking of methods to kill myself. I also was looking at my wrists as well. I also called my ex over an over again frantically asking for the truth from her lips. I believe she also has no empathy. I opened up to my parents for the first time and told them about everything including my unacceptable behavior of calling frantically to wanting to show up at her place. I wanted to tell you this because by seeing your post about the wrist thing it lets me know that I am not alone with how I feel. I'm sorry that you are going through this and I would not wish this to happen to anyone. Im going to actually read your prior posts now don't really know if I can help ease your pain any being that I am on the edge myself but knowing I'm not alone just gave me a sense of ease right now and I feel less ashamed and less awkward. Thank You for posting this. I really hope that you get what you deserve which is happiness. I really feel like it takes a certain type of heart to have compassion for these type of people. Eventually something has to give. I know we need to work hard towards happiness as well but eventually something has to give it just has to. THanks again for posting gonna literally read your posts now.

[free-n-clear]

      Hi Narellan. I read your posts from yesterday. It's certainly a double-whammy you've been hit with, but the other side of that coin is that you get to kill two birds with one stone. They deserve each other.

  The benefit of hitting rock bottom is that it drove you to reach out to your family and... .

... . they responded with love.

  Between your family and THIS family, you have everything you'll need to help you through this. Stay strong, stay safe and know that it WILL get better.  

   My uBPDxgf was cheating on me with, amongst others, my "best mate". That took a while for me to get my head around, but I got there. Needless to say, he's no longer a mate and she's no longer my girlfriend, and I'm now happier than I was at anytime during our r/s.   

[corraline]

narellan

when i was 14, i watched my mother go through a similar  pain.  My father was going through a depression, my mother confided in her best friend about what she was dealing with in her relationship with him .  Her best friend used this as a tool to connect with my dad and it worked.  My mother was doubly betrayed by both of them when they had their affair.  My mother left.  I witnessed so much heartache and pain in my mother.

She never went back.  She has been thru alot since but now she is happy.  She managed to educate herself, get a successful career and is now content and in a wonderful relationship. We all suffered alot through it  but it was a gift in the end really.

[HappyNihilist]

narellan, I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. It's completely understandable, given what you've gone through.

Your family loves you and cares deeply about you. Do NOT feel guilty for turning to them! They LOVE you and want to support you. They will be there for you when you need to break. That's what we do for people we love. You have been through the absolute wringer. Anyone would be a mess after such betrayal and pain. LET YOURSELF LEAN ON YOUR FAMILY. I assure you, they will be thankful for the gift of having you back.

     Hi Narellan. I read your posts from yesterday. It's certainly a double-whammy you've been hit with, but the other side of that coin is that you get to kill two birds with one stone. They deserve each other.

  The benefit of hitting rock bottom is that it drove you to reach out to your family and... .

... . they responded with love.

  Between your family and THIS family, you have everything you'll need to help you through this. Stay strong, stay safe and know that it WILL get better.  

Absolutely. 

[Turkish]

narellan, I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. It's completely understandable, given what you've gone through.

Your family loves you and cares deeply about you. Do NOT feel guilty for turning to them! They LOVE you and want to support you. They will be there for you when you need to break. That's what we do for people we love. You have been through the absolute wringer. Anyone would be a mess after such betrayal and pain. LET YOURSELF LEAN ON YOUR FAMILY. I assure you, they will be thankful for the gift of having you back.

Dear Narellan, I can't say anything better than this. Turn towards those who really love you (real love, not need). Embrace those who really care about you. There is no shame. The shame is upon the selfish, empty ones who hurt you.

[really]

Many of us on this board know the depths of that pain.   A  few weeks ago I had the police called on me I was in such depths of despair. These relationships are beyond traumatic because for all the good moments they have also been so confusing.   Many of us have had cause to question everything in life as a result.   Sometimes it takes that despair to get centred again.  Something that has worked for me very recently is to appreciate the very simple things in life.  The beauty of a sunset.   A tree.  The moon.  The real warm embrace of family.  The things that are real. Too much of what we have experienced in a BPD relationship was unreal.   The idealisation as much unreal as the devaluation.

Small steps towards healing.  You are not alone. 

[Narellan]

Im feling much better today. Thank you all so much   My father wrote me a full page email declaring unconditional love and support and wished he and my mum could be with me to take me in their arms. I sobbed for an hour after reading it. And feel like a huge weight has lifted from my shoulders. not only that,  i can see clearer now what i need to do.

NC ever again with my ex BPD. That wont be hard now because my feelings have altered for him. Ill always love him, and i know he has no control over his actions, but i can finally see that i cant help him.

And whether he wants me to or not, i no longer feel the need to.

As for my best friend she has text several times checking to see if im ok. Thats purely selfish on her part, she just wants to know why i havent replied to her, and if shes been caught out. I left it 24 hours then replied with a vague comment about being flat chat at work. Which i have. Through all of this i have spent 10 hours at home in 3 days, the rest ive been at work! Its been a godsend to have had to get up and go somewhere. I work long hours, sleep overnight with my job with people with disabilities, and my fellow workmates are very good friends and very supportive.

Anyway, im not going to confront either of them about this betrayal, i gain nothing from that and lose dignity. They are free to conduct themselves as they see fit. Im a big believer in Karma, and i dont need revenge. I will ease myself out of the friendship bit by bit until its done. That way theres no repercussions for me. I will make it about me too, not her. Say im trying to get my life together and need space. What id love to say is F#*k you, you lying, disloyal untrustworthy B#*CH, but i will scream that to myself :'(   Cant believe what difference a day makes. I have eaten something today too, for the first time in 3 days and ive stopped shaking, and teeth chattering. I see hope for the first time in several weeks.

[free-n-clear]

    So glad to hear you're feeling better, Narellan.

Anyway, I'm not going to confront either of them about this betrayal, I gain nothing from that and lose dignity.

 

  I think this is a wise move, not only for the reasons you state, but also because it minimizes the likelihood of them deciding to rub your face in it, tearing open the wounds all over again. Believe me, it happens.

 


 

 

[Narellan]

Yes free'n'clear, at the moment things are contained and im not too black, but i feel fear when i think about his potential to harm me if he becomes angry. I havent seen any raging, but he told me he was fiery, and that he beat his ex girlfriends brother to a pulp because he just kept at him.

He told me that in a carefree joking way, like it was insignificant. And of course that family are all black.

This is about me. What i need, and its the first time in months i feel a power shift. Ive always put him first, because i adore him.

Like i said, im different today, and amazingly strong

[free-n-clear]

This is about me. What i need, and its the first time in months i feel a power shift... . im different today, and amazingly strong

  You go, girl. We're all here for you.

[Take2]

Narellan... . you've been thru so much and listen to how strong you sound... .   thru a truly devastating experience you are able to maintain your own dignity and gain strength as you move forward making healthy decisions for yourself... . good for you!