MIL with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

I posted an intro in the newbie forums, and will post here what we are currently dealing with. I grew up in a family with a mother and sister with BPD whom I have had zero contact with for many years now.

My husband has always had a "difficult" relationship with his mother - who was a single parent.

Two years ago my mother in law whom he had been largely estranged from from the time he was a teenager after kicking him out of him at 15 and sent to live with his father who had never been involved in his life - he ended up being raised through adulthood by his paternal Grandmother. Anyway she moved across the country to live closer to us in late 2011. She had previously come for visits when the children were born and aside from her fairly cool nature, we never had any conflict with her - though I had been told stories by his family that her nickname was "the Witch" and the ":)ragon Lady".

I began seeing some things that were concerning back then that made me feel very cautious around her. One was a series of lies that were fairly insignificant, but seemed strange - things like lying about problems with the car that we gave her, or problems with the house (we own a rental property that she lives in). My husband would rush over to deal with those problems only to find that they weren't really there, or things that seemed to be caused by her tampering with things. These little crises would pop up when we had our own family things going on - a dinner party, a birth of one of our babies, his first weekend off in a long time.

She began to have impossible demands - wanting our family to participate in every holiday all day long at her home, where our children would be bored senseless and effectively preventing us from celebrating any holiday or birthday with other family members (as he grew up in a split family - his father is now heavily involved in our lives, as well as paternal side of the family) and would have huge "fits" if we didn't meet her needs. The dialogue always dissolved into us letting her down, us disappointing her, and her life being awful, not worth living etc... .

Last year I put my foot down and said that family holidays and birthday celebrations would take place at our home - and both sides of the family would be invited. After I made that statement, she began to refuse to come to our home for these celebrations. The drama would escalate. She would have crisis after crisis and my husband would go running. I began distancing myself and the children from her - we would go there on occasion and my children would go there on occasion for sleepovers or for a visit. Eventually it became "not enough". She wanted the kids there more often. Every weekend. Every weekend for a sleepover. Long weekends. We have a part time nanny who helps us out a few times a week and she was livid when we didn't offer her the job and made a demand that we fire her and give her the opportunity to "do what our nanny does". I said it was absolutely not going to happen, as our nanny is a paid employee and we have expectations that go beyond what we would expect from a family member. She also tried to inset herself in our will planning, and demanded that we leave our children to her if something should happen to my husband and I. This caused a huge problem as we have God Parents who are young, and willing to take our children. She has stated that if that should happen she will fight for custody of our children. She is an elderly woman with chronic health conditions and cannot see how this might be inappropriate.

Last summer she was diagnosed with what we were told was a devastating cancer. That she would need major surgery, months of radiation and chemotherapy and that she was "facing her mortality". We were very concerned and rallied around to ensure that she had adequate supports. I offered to provide her with her cooking and cleaning for as long as she was in need, however she stated that she didn't want my help as I have too many children to be able to manage that. I assured her that i'd be happy to help, and asked that she be in touch if she was in need of anything. At this time she asked that I bring the children over daily to see her - that was something I wasn't able to commit to and let her know that between my husband and I, we would make sure that we brought them for playdates.

She had her surgery, and all went well. What we found out after her surgery via the oncologist was that in fact this was a very low grade cancer, that she would not need anymore treatment and that it was essentially, over and done with. We were both surprised after having been told that this was such a devastating diagnosis, but figured it was just a misunderstanding and that she was looking at worst case scenarios. During the time she was in hospital (a monday thru friday) I brought her lunch and dinner, her toiletries, newspaper, made phone calls for her, etc. She asked that the kids not come to the hospital as she didn't want them to see her in that state. So we obliged. My husband also went to see her daily after work and was caring for her home as well while she was in.

She returned home on the Friday. We had made arrangements to have home care nursing go in to provide her assistance with bathing and personal care, and found out only when she arrived home that she had cancelled the nursing support. She expected that my husband be the one to provide that care and so be it, he moved in with her for the week. After a week he told her that he needed to return home  - we had just had a baby, and it was a busy work season for him. He offered to have nursing support come in indefinitely to offer her help - and this is when things went absolutely down hill.

She stopped speaking to us that week. When my husband finally got in touch with her after being VERY concerned for her wellbeing, she said that she was angry and disappointed with us because we had let her down. Confused - he pried and she told him that she was angry because I had committed to having the kids over daily and provide her with meals and I had not done so - and that this was evidence on how I was trying to alienate the kids from her. When he told me this, I was very angry. She had seen the children that week when he brought them over, I went over that I had offered to provide food and housekeeping to her, but she had refused - beyond that I had just been giving her her space to get better and trusted that if she wanted or needed anything that she would have communicated that to us.

Things only escalated after that. She began demanding to have the children on the weekends for sleepovers, but in the same breath would complain about her mobility issues and how she wasn't able to manage stairs and meals, yet she would be out driving and shopping, and then say that she couldn't come for dinner because the amount of narcotics she was on were making her too tired to drive.

Her story was never consistent and I told my husband that if the kids were going to go over it needed to be when her mobility was back to normal and when she was off narcotics (our children who would be going are 5 and 3), and that we could take the kids over for visits, but an adult would need to be there to supervise for safety reasons. My husband agreed and would take them over on a weekly basis. She refused to have any communication with me.

This put a huge strain on our relationship and at one point my husband and I had a fight and in that fight it came out that his mother had told him a number of things that were patently untrue, and it was clear that she was being incredibly manipulative. At this point we entered family therapy together and the therapist said that we needed to be on the same page and set boundaries for his mother.

We did as much and he communicated this to her - she assured us that she was able to care for the children etc... and was well enough again, and shortly after Christmas we allowed the children to attend her home for a sleepover - something they do enjoy. Well immediately after returning home, our daughter who is 5 told us that she is now old enough to cook dinner for everyone because at Grandma's house she made tea with the kettle and the toaster oven. When asked why she was allowed to do that, she said "Because Grandma couldn't walk because of her operation was hurting her so she had us make dinner for her and then we tucked her in so she could sleep". That visit they had also gone out shopping. She had an infection in her leg, and was on a large dose of morphine.

I was livid. I felt very upset that our trust was breached and that the safety and wellbeing of our two precious children was compromised.

My husband confronted her and she conceded that she did have an infection but was "fine".

I don't believe that my daughter has any reason to lie to us.

So overnights stopped again for a long period of time.

Last weekend my husband asked if they could go, I asked him to use his judgment about whether or not she was well enough to make a good, safe decisions around caring for our kids etc. and he said yes, he had spoken with her about these things and felt that she had a good understanding.

Our daughter came home only to tell me that Grandma was asking her to disclose all of the bad things that Mommy and Daddy have said about her.

And here we are today.

MIL won't speak with me any more, at all. She will lie to just about anyone who will listen to portray herself as a victim and how we have alienated her grandchildren from her. She lies about benign and major issues. She will not respond to an email or phone call from me and my husband has asked that I not confront her. My husband speaks with her on occasion. She is demanding to see the kids on a regular basis including our infant whom she has spent zero time with (weekends and holidays again) and my husband sees no reason to object - however I have serious concerns after these last two major incidents. I feel that she needs to be supervised around our children, my husband things I'm being too heavy handed. I feel like he concedes to every demand with her without seeing how he is putting our children in a terrible position - and when I bring up my feelings that children should not be caretakers for adults, he sees it as her just being the way she is and that it shouldn't be a "big deal" that she is merely an old lonely woman who lives for her grandkids - and i'm constantly put in a position to have to say no, and be the bad guy and vilified by someone who I believe is a danger to my children. This has come to a head today because she has demanded our children go to her home tonight for a sleepover (the night before Easter morning) so they can wake and have an easter egg hunt at her home and a small party with her. I have said no.  That if she would like to have the kids over for a short visit tomorrow he can take them over, and that she is welcome to come for Easter dinner at our home with the rest of the family - but she refused. It's all or nothing. Bad guy again.

I am so frustrated and angry that this is what we are living now.

[blackpineapple]

I posted an intro in the newbie forums, and will post here what we are currently dealing with. I grew up in a family with a mother and sister with BPD whom I have had zero contact with for many years now.

My husband has always had a "difficult" relationship with his mother - who was a single parent.

Two years ago my mother in law whom he had been largely estranged from from the time he was a teenager after kicking him out of him at 15 and sent to live with his father who had never been involved in his life - he ended up being raised through adulthood by his paternal Grandmother. Anyway she moved across the country to live closer to us in late 2011. She had previously come for visits when the children were born and aside from her fairly cool nature, we never had any conflict with her - though I had been told stories by his family that her nickname was "the Witch" and the ":)ragon Lady".

I began seeing some things that were concerning back then that made me feel very cautious around her. One was a series of lies that were fairly insignificant, but seemed strange - things like lying about problems with the car that we gave her, or problems with the house (we own a rental property that she lives in). My husband would rush over to deal with those problems only to find that they weren't really there, or things that seemed to be caused by her tampering with things. These little crises would pop up when we had our own family things going on - a dinner party, a birth of one of our babies, his first weekend off in a long time.

She began to have impossible demands - wanting our family to participate in every holiday all day long at her home, where our children would be bored senseless and effectively preventing us from celebrating any holiday or birthday with other family members (as he grew up in a split family - his father is now heavily involved in our lives, as well as paternal side of the family) and would have huge "fits" if we didn't meet her needs. The dialogue always dissolved into us letting her down, us disappointing her, and her life being awful, not worth living etc... .

Last year I put my foot down and said that family holidays and birthday celebrations would take place at our home - and both sides of the family would be invited. After I made that statement, she began to refuse to come to our home for these celebrations. The drama would escalate. She would have crisis after crisis and my husband would go running. I began distancing myself and the children from her - we would go there on occasion and my children would go there on occasion for sleepovers or for a visit. Eventually it became "not enough". She wanted the kids there more often. Every weekend. Every weekend for a sleepover. Long weekends. We have a part time nanny who helps us out a few times a week and she was livid when we didn't offer her the job and made a demand that we fire her and give her the opportunity to "do what our nanny does". I said it was absolutely not going to happen, as our nanny is a paid employee and we have expectations that go beyond what we would expect from a family member. She also tried to inset herself in our will planning, and demanded that we leave our children to her if something should happen to my husband and I. This caused a huge problem as we have God Parents who are young, and willing to take our children. She has stated that if that should happen she will fight for custody of our children. She is an elderly woman with chronic health conditions and cannot see how this might be inappropriate.

Last summer she was diagnosed with what we were told was a devastating cancer. That she would need major surgery, months of radiation and chemotherapy and that she was "facing her mortality". We were very concerned and rallied around to ensure that she had adequate supports. I offered to provide her with her cooking and cleaning for as long as she was in need, however she stated that she didn't want my help as I have too many children to be able to manage that. I assured her that i'd be happy to help, and asked that she be in touch if she was in need of anything. At this time she asked that I bring the children over daily to see her - that was something I wasn't able to commit to and let her know that between my husband and I, we would make sure that we brought them for playdates.

She had her surgery, and all went well. What we found out after her surgery via the oncologist was that in fact this was a very low grade cancer, that she would not need anymore treatment and that it was essentially, over and done with. We were both surprised after having been told that this was such a devastating diagnosis, but figured it was just a misunderstanding and that she was looking at worst case scenarios. During the time she was in hospital (a monday thru friday) I brought her lunch and dinner, her toiletries, newspaper, made phone calls for her, etc. She asked that the kids not come to the hospital as she didn't want them to see her in that state. So we obliged. My husband also went to see her daily after work and was caring for her home as well while she was in.

She returned home on the Friday. We had made arrangements to have home care nursing go in to provide her assistance with bathing and personal care, and found out only when she arrived home that she had cancelled the nursing support. She expected that my husband be the one to provide that care and so be it, he moved in with her for the week. After a week he told her that he needed to return home  - we had just had a baby, and it was a busy work season for him. He offered to have nursing support come in indefinitely to offer her help - and this is when things went absolutely down hill.

She stopped speaking to us that week. When my husband finally got in touch with her after being VERY concerned for her wellbeing, she said that she was angry and disappointed with us because we had let her down. Confused - he pried and she told him that she was angry because I had committed to having the kids over daily and provide her with meals and I had not done so - and that this was evidence on how I was trying to alienate the kids from her. When he told me this, I was very angry. She had seen the children that week when he brought them over, I went over that I had offered to provide food and housekeeping to her, but she had refused - beyond that I had just been giving her her space to get better and trusted that if she wanted or needed anything that she would have communicated that to us.

Things only escalated after that. She began demanding to have the children on the weekends for sleepovers, but in the same breath would complain about her mobility issues and how she wasn't able to manage stairs and meals, yet she would be out driving and shopping, and then say that she couldn't come for dinner because the amount of narcotics she was on were making her too tired to drive.

Her story was never consistent and I told my husband that if the kids were going to go over it needed to be when her mobility was back to normal and when she was off narcotics (our children who would be going are 5 and 3), and that we could take the kids over for visits, but an adult would need to be there to supervise for safety reasons. My husband agreed and would take them over on a weekly basis. She refused to have any communication with me.

This put a huge strain on our relationship and at one point my husband and I had a fight and in that fight it came out that his mother had told him a number of things that were patently untrue, and it was clear that she was being incredibly manipulative. At this point we entered family therapy together and the therapist said that we needed to be on the same page and set boundaries for his mother.

We did as much and he communicated this to her - she assured us that she was able to care for the children etc... and was well enough again, and shortly after Christmas we allowed the children to attend her home for a sleepover - something they do enjoy. Well immediately after returning home, our daughter who is 5 told us that she is now old enough to cook dinner for everyone because at Grandma's house she made tea with the kettle and the toaster oven. When asked why she was allowed to do that, she said "Because Grandma couldn't walk because of her operation was hurting her so she had us make dinner for her and then we tucked her in so she could sleep". That visit they had also gone out shopping. She had an infection in her leg, and was on a large dose of morphine.

I was livid. I felt very upset that our trust was breached and that the safety and wellbeing of our two precious children was compromised.

My husband confronted her and she conceded that she did have an infection but was "fine".

I don't believe that my daughter has any reason to lie to us.

So overnights stopped again for a long period of time.

Last weekend my husband asked if they could go, I asked him to use his judgment about whether or not she was well enough to make a good, safe decisions around caring for our kids etc. and he said yes, he had spoken with her about these things and felt that she had a good understanding.

Our daughter came home only to tell me that Grandma was asking her to disclose all of the bad things that Mommy and Daddy have said about her.

And here we are today.

MIL won't speak with me any more, at all. She will lie to just about anyone who will listen to portray herself as a victim and how we have alienated her grandchildren from her. She lies about benign and major issues. She will not respond to an email or phone call from me and my husband has asked that I not confront her. My husband speaks with her on occasion. She is demanding to see the kids on a regular basis including our infant whom she has spent zero time with (weekends and holidays again) and my husband sees no reason to object - however I have serious concerns after these last two major incidents. I feel that she needs to be supervised around our children, my husband things I'm being too heavy handed. I feel like he concedes to every demand with her without seeing how he is putting our children in a terrible position - and when I bring up my feelings that children should not be caretakers for adults, he sees it as her just being the way she is and that it shouldn't be a "big deal" that she is merely an old lonely woman who lives for her grandkids - and i'm constantly put in a position to have to say no, and be the bad guy and vilified by someone who I believe is a danger to my children. This has come to a head today because she has demanded our children go to her home tonight for a sleepover (the night before Easter morning) so they can wake and have an easter egg hunt at her home and a small party with her. I have said no.  That if she would like to have the kids over for a short visit tomorrow he can take them over, and that she is welcome to come for Easter dinner at our home with the rest of the family - but she refused. It's all or nothing. Bad guy again.

I am so frustrated and angry that this is what we are living now.

[Pilate]

  Blackpineapple,

I'm sorry you have to deal with such a challenging situation with your MIL. I'm sorry she is located so close to you; this must be so challenging.

You shared that you and your DH went to counseling. Are you still going? It might be a good idea for you to go alone if your DH does not want to participate right now.

I have a MIL who is very difficult. She exhibits more narcissistic traits, but attending therapy and using the tools on this site have helped me create and maintain boundaries even when my DH would prefer to go-with-the-flow or avoid doing personal work. I have noticed with my changes and boundaries, DH has made small changes. However, we have a bit more space--my MIL is 2 hours away.

It sounds as if you are frustrated with your DH and you MIL. What kind of support are you looking for?

It is hard to be the one who has boundaries when our spouse might not have experience with having good boundaries. Therapy has helped me learn to be okay with the discomfort that maintaining boundaries has with people who have issues with boundaries, whether it is a diagnosed disorder or not.

Do you think your DH is desperate to have a relationship since it sounds like his mom was less than nurturing/available as a parent? This can create some real issues with personal boundaries when we are adults. My DH struggles with boundaries since he grew up with the belief that boundaries don't apply to his mom, so my DH grew up thinking he didn't have much right to boundaries for himself. My MIL thinks I'm a right treat, I am. 

I'm sorry that you are going through this, blackpineapple,but I'm glad you found this site. There are amazing people and amazing resources here to help you.

FWIW, I think you made the right call for Easter. Sleepover? Phfffft. You have provided options for her that address her needs and support your needs as a family and extended family. Although your MIL might not be capable of considering anyone but herself, it is clear that you are working hard to take care of yourself and your children and create a holiday celebration for all family members. It isn't easy to do even when everyone gets along. I admire what you are doing for your DH's family.

Pilate

[Louise7777]

Blackpineapple, Im so sorry for your situation. I can understand how frustrating it is regarding your MIL and even your DH. I dont have a BPD MIL, but I do have some uBPD relatives and I can relate.

Its very unfortunate that you and your husband are not exactly on the same page. Its strange for me to see that he still gives her chances, despite of her behaviour while he was growing up. I believe your kids and their safety come first and I hope he realizes it soon. BPDs are great on the "divide and conquer". If she sees a way to alienate you from your family, she will persue it.

I think therapy may help a lot. I have seen my uBPDs treating kids as their parents. Your kids dont have to go through that. Im afraid you´ll have to reinforce your boundaries.

[blackpineapple]

Hi Pilate and Louise

Thanks for the response.

We were in therapy for about half a year and it helped us work together to be cohesive, we are not. He sees his mother as a "difficult person" and concedes that she can be a controlling, a bully, hard headed, "mouthy" (those are his words to describe her) but won't accept that her behavior is beyond normal or typical. 

We have talked about what it as like growing up with her, that she was never able to put his needs ahead of her own and that she wasn't a great parent (he has bailed her out most of his life and prior to him doing it, his own step mother did it ie: pay the electric bill when they had no power because she had spent the money on a vacation that she took, or buying her groceries when she spent their money on a night out with her boyfriend)

He never had her as a reliable parent, and I think desperate clings to the idea that she is making up for lost time with the grand children and doesn't think the things she has been doing wrt the manipulation of our kids or of our time and relationship (with her lying) is egregious. He sees it as "well this is the way she is" and knows that if he is to confront her or not tolerate it, she will attack and vilify him. He walks on eggshells around her all of the time.

I know he also lives with an enormous amount guilt and feels responsible for their failed relationship, even though he was a young teen who was coming into his own and as a result was thrown out of the home.

As for support, I would live to read about how to manage dialogue. She often lies and will deny or manipulate what has been done or said to suit her preference.  I need to learn how to manage that  dialogue.

[Louise7777]

Blackpineapple, just earlier today I was talking to friends and we know an old lady who may be BPD. She controls her daughter in all minutiae you can imagine. Its very sad, the daughter cant set bundaries and she´s being consumed. The mom is a widow and shes an only child... . But we are appaled to see how caring the daughter is, while the mom has no mercy whatesoever.

Im telling you this cause in MY understanding, theres no BPD behaviour unless there´s somebody enabling it. It amazes me to see how people bend backwards to satisfy somebody who´s basically a black hole.

Seems to me your husband is not out of the fog yet. He is right on the "she is what she is", but her behaviour is not normal. Whether he acepts the BPD diagnose or not, it doesnt matter. What is important, in my opinion, is that he realizes her behaviour is destructive and toxic and not normal.

About turning against him and walking on eggshells, I hope he realizes thats just emotional blackmail. And in the end of the day, who cares if she vilifies him? My uBPD relatives bad-mouths me at any opportunity and it doesnt affect me at all. I dont mention her name, but she loves to play victim regarding me. Its fine. I dont need anybody´s approval. I hope the therapy helps your husband see it for what it is.

I know there are tools for dialogue but I dont know exactly what. I hope others provide a link for you.

[Pilate]

Hi Blackpineapple,

I think this is a good start to describing your needs right now:

As for support, I would live to read about how to manage dialogue. She often lies and will deny or manipulate what has been done or said to suit her preference.  I need to learn how to manage that  dialogue.

What does managing dialogue look like for you? Is there an example that you can share, so others can offer ideas?

Have you looked at information on gaslighting on this site? The way you describe some of your MIL's behaviors--the cancer description, for example--seems quite difficult to deal with.

Something to consider is what your expectations are in regards to the lying and manipulation. For example, if a goal is to make your MIL admit she is lying or to make your MIL realize she is lying, this is probably not a very useful expectation. One of the important lessons this site and therapy has taught me is that I can only manage and control my own behaviors and understanding. I can't make anyone else behave or think the way I want or think they should.

If your goal is to maintain your boundaries and act according to your values when having conversations with your MIL or with your DH, this is something that is about you and your actions/behaviors/values.

There is a thread in the Workshops section of the site on boundaries and values: https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries . This discussion might give you some ideas to consider.

It sounds like in addition to your MIL's behaviors, you are troubled with your husband's responses to his mom and to you. In addition to counseling if you can go, some of the information on boundaries and radical acceptance--also in the workshop section--could be helpful.

Keep posting and letting us know how you are. This is hard and scary stuff that you are dealing with, Blackpineapple. You are worth it and so are your children and DH. 

Pilate

[P.F.Change]

Your MIL's behavior sounds very similar to my mother's. I am sorry it is causing so much conflict in your marriage. People with BPD rely on others for a sense of self and do not usually understand healthy boundaries. They also have limited coping skills and have not developed emotional maturity. It sounds like your MIL is not able to recognize when she may be physically or emotionally unable to adequately care for her grandchildren and instead expects them to care for her. That alone could potentially be dangerous for them, and I can see why you are concerned.

Our daughter came home only to tell me that Grandma was asking her to disclose all of the bad things that Mommy and Daddy have said about her.

How unfortunate that your daughter was put in that position. :'( How did she feel about it? It sounds to me like your MIL is continuing to show you that she needs to be supervised when she is with your children because she is not able to understand on her own that some behavior is inappropriate.

I feel like he concedes to every demand with her without seeing how he is putting our children in a terrible position - and when I bring up my feelings that children should not be caretakers for adults, he sees it as her just being the way she is and that it shouldn't be a "big deal" that she is merely an old lonely woman who lives for her grandkids - and i'm constantly put in a position to have to say no, and be the bad guy and vilified by someone who I believe is a danger to my children.

It sounds like your husband has been taught that he is responsible for taking care of his mother, rather than the other way around. This is a deeply ingrained belief and he may not like having it challenged. It may be true that she is a lonely old woman who lives for her grandkids, while at the same time being true that she is not safe to leave them alone with.

Something to consider is what your expectations are in regards to the lying and manipulation. For example, if a goal is to make your MIL admit she is lying or to make your MIL realize she is lying, this is probably not a very useful expectation. One of the important lessons this site and therapy has taught me is that I can only manage and control my own behaviors and understanding. I can't make anyone else behave or think the way I want or think they should.

If your goal is to maintain your boundaries and act according to your values when having conversations with your MIL or with your DH, this is something that is about you and your actions/behaviors/values.

I think this is really good advice. You may not be able to convince your husband that his mother's behavior (or his) is inappropriate, you may not be able to get your MIL to understand why you think there need to be limits regarding her contact with your children. What you can do is understand where your boundaries are and whether they are rigid or flexible. The workshop Pilate shared with you is one of my favorites and might help you think about your boundaries in a new way. I have found that TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth is a very good tool for communicating my boundaries or asserting a different point of view.

It sounds like you and your husband are no longer attending counseling together. Did you feel it was not helping? Did he not want to continue? Or is that all the therapist felt you needed at the time? It may be helpful for you to consider talking with someone on your own. It can help to have professional support in such a stressful situation. What do you think?

How did the Easter weekend go?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[cult]

I am in a situation with some similarities to yours. My fiancé and I are getting married this summer. My fiancé's mother is uBPD, Queen/Witch variety. She is dead set against this marriage and sends my fiancé texts telling her not to marry me, that MIL is not ready for her daughter to get married... . MIL also told my fiancé not to have children in her first marriage... . my stepsons are 13 and 12.  This will be my first marriage and my fiancé's second, and we are a same sex couple.

When my fiancé does not do what MIL orders, MIL berates, antagonizes, and insults her. My fiancé knows something is wrong with her mother but tends to (IMHO) rugsweep and minimize the impact of mom's bad behavior - similar to your husband.

The other week MIL lit into the two of us (fiancé as well as me) because she is displeased that we are getting married on our terms. She's also very angry with me over the fact that I refuse to let her tell me what to do. This was the first time she attacked me (as opposed to simply attacking my fiancé) but I used S.E.T. with her and remained emotionally detached myself, and it worked well. I just validated, validated, validated the hell out of her and eventually she ran out of hot air. It helps that I do not give a flying ___ about this woman and I have no emotional skin in the game whatsoever. I will do what I must do to protect MYSELF including removing myself from MIL's presence if necessary. I have told my fiancé that I will not hesitate to take this step and she agrees. Maybe a similar understanding between you and your husband will help you set the boundaries that will help keep you safe.