Still feel sympathy

[Vatz]

Despite everything that's happened. I still feel sympathy for my BPDSO. She's looking for places, and actually managed to get her parents to agree to let her stay with them. She calls crying and complaining about how things are so bad with them. How she needs help. I told her that I can't really do anything.

While all that crying is going on, something sort of lights up deep down. I still feel bad. I still want to help, to make this person feel like it's going to be okay. But I can't. I'm too tired and it's futile. If I help now, I'm only just enabling her behavior. Her parents did act cold and did something I wouldn't have done to my kids. I mean, did they really have to kick her out? All they had to do was avoid her. She wasn't running up any debts, she was paying them rent and was for the most part staying out of their hair. I dunno. Maybe there's a side I'm missing here.

So I tried to help her. Now, I still feel like I want to help. But she HAS to do this. She can't keep relying on her anxiety meds, she takes more than what the dosage calls for. She can't keep panicking and crying and getting so furious every time there's a setback. Sure I feel like what her folks did was a bit unfair, and how they're treating her now is unfair as well. It's like her dad just enjoys punishing for any "transgressions" against him. Her family is dysfunctional. But she should focus on the task at hand. Get her things together and find a place to move. 

Anyway, does anyone here still sort of feel sympathy? Like you really wish you could help them?

[pharaoh451]

Haven't posted in a while. Recently was pining a bit for the uBPDxw despite the fact that she put me through absolute misery for 3 years of a high-conflict divorce process. I think if you truly love someone, it has hard not to feel sympathy to some extent even when they are torturing/have tortured you. I think we sometimes compartmentalize the hurt away to help us cope with moving forward. I think it says good things about us that we are able to muster sympathy/forgiveness even toward someone who has treated us with none.

[Tolou]

I feel sympathy and empathy, but I don't act on it, and no longer feel bad about that.  Initially, I kept thinking to myself, I have to do this, I have to that... . But I was wrong, she existed and lived for 35 years before I met her, regardless of how she was functioning, she was functioning, working etc... . Suddenly, life could resume without, I found myself doing things for her I never did for anyone, it had to stop.  And when it did, all hell broke loose, she sunk into a deep whole, but she dug that hole, not me.  As much I tried to help her out of the hole, it just kept getting deeper, because eventually, I wasn't giving her what she wanted, her behaviors weren't resulting in her real needs.  It was until I walked away, that eventually, she statred to crawl out of that hole, but she did, in her own time, not because I helped her. She crawled out of there because of necessity, she had to go back to work, it took 8 months, but she did.

So sympathy, I truely do feel it for her, but I'm not responsible for another adults actions and behaviors, and thoughts etc... .

[dontknow2]

Vatz,

I help my dBPDxh as long as I feel compelled and am able. I did pay a big price for that approach over the years though. Out of almost 20 years, it is only the last couple of years that more often I just don't want to help. For example, he texted several months ago when thinking of suicide. Based upon my feelings at the time, I only wanted to text him back and provide the National Suicide Hotline number. This is VERY different than what I might have done 5 years ago (i.e. driving to see him, go with him to get help, talk to family, etc... ).

It sounds like you are trying to help your BPDSO focused on what is important... . getting her own place. That may be the best thing is just to help her keep her mind on a goal.