I just can't win with her

[zenwexler]

So I kind of jump around in all the different forums. Everyone tells me to run so far. Which I admit is probably for the best. I won't re explain my story because if you want you can just read it in my intro, Long story short, Every time I go no contact she does everything she can to keep me around. NC has never made her finally come around. She just pulls me in and is like uhhh, I just want to be friends. 

I'm pretty much just trying to kill her with kindness. Every time we text I'm super positive, understanding and just go with the flow. But no matter what one minutes she's all sweet, the next text she like comes at me. She asked if we could be friends. I told her as long as shes open and honest, and kind to me I don't see why not She said "Eww, stop lecturing me, we're not in a relationship anymore so you can't do that." It's just so frustrating. I try and do everything I can and show her the man that I have become. That I am equipped to handle her. I mean we were trading baby pics by text and I was like awww, you look so cute and stuff. She says to mine, "meh, not that cute"  I mean is she just really that far gone? Is she trying to test me? 

I just feel like I can't win with her. She says she wants to be friends (I want to be in a relationship) but she's not very nice. She asked if I was seeing someone and wanted to know all the details. She then wanted to tell me about her new bf and was like or is it a sensitive subject still. And to be honest, I don't think she was was trying to be nice. She just wants to see how I react. She told me that he's super chill and is exactly what she needs. He balances out her nerves. I mean can that be true? Is she actually sweet and nice to him or she just as mean and demanding as she is to me? Because as soon as she said that she ended the text by saying so will you add me on facebook? Which she has asked me to do a hundred times since unfriending her. I said to her "that awesome you're happy with that guy, and sure, we can be facebook friends" She responds. I mean it's not like you're doing me a favor. You're the one who unfriended me... . " She's so relentless. If this guy is so amazing why is she texting me? What is she just all sweet and nice to him then unleash her beast on me? I keep thinking that if I wait it out, prove to her that I can be the man she needs and wants, pass her test and not react when she pushes and shows her that I'm  willing to do whatever it takes she'll come around. I mean, if this guy is as chill and sweet and she says, He'll probably be running sooner then later, just like all her previous exes have. But I mean, she can't be much different with him, can she? Because the thought of her acting "normal" with him and "Crazy" with me is very hurtful  thought.

As always I am so grateful to anyone who takes the time to learn about my situation and gives me honest feedback. This website is filled with extraordinary people.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[gotbushels]

So I kind of jump around in all the different forums. Everyone tells me to run so far. Which I admit is probably for the best. I won't re explain my story because if you want you can just read it in my intro, Long story short, Every time I go no contact she does everything she can to keep me around. NC has never made her finally come around. She just pulls me in and is like uhhh, I just want to be friends. 

To me, with respect to you, the fact that she wants to keep in contact doesn't mean anything substantial. You can use it to build your relationship with her or help her resolve and hopefully mend herself. But that's about it.

I'm pretty much just trying to kill her with kindness. Every time we text I'm super positive, understanding and just go with the flow. But no matter what one minutes she's all sweet, the next text she like comes at me. She asked if we could be friends. I told her as long as shes open and honest, and kind to me I don't see why not

IMHO, 'killing her with kindness' sounds like you're going beyond support and going into facilitating her life. Sounds like you cook and clean for her and she talks to you? There are some things that she's supposed to be doing. I think you're putting yourself at risk. She may rely on this level of 'doing things for her' and when you take that away and try and live with some reciprocity, she's going to attack you for being 'extremely' lousy. It would be wise not to go too far.

She said "Eww, stop lecturing me, we're not in a relationship anymore so you can't do that." It's just so frustrating. I try and do everything I can and show her the man that I have become. That I am equipped to handle her. I mean we were trading baby pics by text and I was like awww, you look so cute and stuff. She says to mine, "meh, not that cute"  I mean is she just really that far gone? Is she trying to test me? 

I think you're reading too much into it. Don't let her maturity at some points confuse you. That woman can very much be an 8-year-old.

I just feel like I can't win with her.

WADR. It helped me expect not to win with her. Not after a month, not after a year, not after a proposal and quitting my job. Some people spent much more time, blood and money 'winning' the BP. Be wary of what you're doing. Don't look back in a year and say you hate yourself for what you did.

She says she wants to be friends (I want to be in a relationship) but she's not very nice. She asked if I was seeing someone and wanted to know all the details. She then wanted to tell me about her new bf and was like or is it a sensitive subject still. And to be honest, I don't think she was was trying to be nice. She just wants to see how I react. She told me that he's super chill and is exactly what she needs. He balances out her nerves.

WADR sounds like she's stating exactly what will irritate you. If you poured effort into her and someone else is getting the benefits, I'd feel sore. The more effort I put in, the sorer I'll feel. Looks to me like lousy BP behaviour. My BP did the same to her ex with me. Don't react. Respond.

Don't forget she's telling you that he's 'super chill and exactly what she needs'. BPs seem to be massive lying children sometimes, and case in point is her concealing her injury to you? That's a massive omission by the way. Fact is she omitted. Some people would call that lying by omission. Therefore you can see how that's "massive lying by omission". See pattern in the behaviour. Don't let her words blind you to the facts, or what is most likely, objectively, the probable truth.

I mean can that be true? Is she actually sweet and nice to him or she just as mean and demanding as she is to me?

She could be a better person. She may not be. In either case, IMO be her friend. Don't be 'that guy' that behaves like a bf when he isn't. Be indifferent. She sounds like she broke up with you. If someone breaks up with you, IMO they don't deserve your loving care.

Because as soon as she said that she ended the text by saying so will you add me on facebook? Which she has asked me to do a hundred times since unfriending her. I said to her "that awesome you're happy with that guy, and sure, we can be facebook friends" She responds. I mean it's not like you're doing me a favor. You're the one who unfriended me... . " She's so relentless. If this guy is so amazing why is she texting me? What is she just all sweet and nice to him then unleash her beast on me?

WADR, she sounds like she wants attention. Child part of her does. My BP says she doesn't but I think she is literally dying for attention. Her actions speak for themselves. She does everything that one would, in every given scenario, to receive and maintain attention. She does it without 'reciprocating' as her excuse. Example. You can socialise with any colleagues. Yet one chooses generally to socialise with the sleazy male colleague on a one-to-one basis. Recurrently, and late into the night.

It's pathetic but that's life. Some people don't know how to solicit attention from people they want attention from in a way that gets them attention in the long run. Help when you can and are willing. If she doesn't want to help herself: you can't help her.

I keep thinking that if I wait it out, prove to her that I can be the man she needs and wants, pass her test and not react when she pushes and shows her that I'm  willing to do whatever it takes she'll come around. I mean, if this guy is as chill and sweet and she says, He'll probably be running sooner then later, just like all her previous exes have. But I mean, she can't be much different with him, can she? Because the thought of her acting "normal" with him and "Crazy" with me is very hurtful  thought.

I relate directly. When you put in more effort, and someone else "gets your result", you would feel messed up.

IMO if she's still messed up toward you, she's even more messed up toward him. She has her eggs in his basket now, therefore higher emotional expectation on him. Higher emotional expectation, IMO with BPD, leads to even more dramas. So more dramas for him.

She isn't normal. If you want to still date that, know your odds. She is possibly in a recurrent pattern of lousy relationships because of her doing. She doesn't sound willing or able to change at this point. You may be just a number, no matter how 'intensely' you feel. Intensity is a characteristic of BPD.

You mentioned in one of your posts that she is untreated. Will she get better in a few weeks and be 'stable'? Extremely unlikely. I don't think she's better nor has she taken positive steps to get better. This is in spite of her diagnosis. I think she's really still suffering from BPD. From what I understand, without treatment, odds of her seemingly miraculously being "cured" are almost none. People seem to take years to get "cured", and even then there are failure rates.

As always I am so grateful to anyone who takes the time to learn about my situation and gives me honest feedback. This website is filled with extraordinary people.

Good luck!

[zenwexler]

Thank you so much for your in depth response. And you're right. Almost everything is an exaggeration of the truth. Even when we were dating and did something fun I could tell her joy just seemed forced. Her only genuine emotions I ever felt was when she was angry. Her happiness always seemed like lies, an act for the world. If she was happy, I truly don't think I would be hearing from her. My ex before who didn't have BPD, when we broke up, I said it's too hard to be friends. And so we didn't. She let me be, she never texted me. After going through this breakup I texted her and said thank you so much for letting me go and not dragging me around. She did thaty not only because she's a nice person, but because she was actually happy. She didn't need t drag me around. And i guess the fact that I know my exBPD isn't happy, even though she's in a new relationship with a guy she says is "exactly what I need" I figure if I stick by her maybe when that relationship blows up me and her can have another chance. I fully admit that I know the road ahead is tough. That even if we got back together it would be difficult. But I just can't seem to move on. And ever since learning about BPD, it just makes me want to stick around even more.  I've chased girls my entire life. NONE have ever lasted this long. I just never know if by doing what I do increases my chances of getting her back or just pushes her away more. Like does staying friends with her help out her current relationship? Does it help build mine and hers? I don't know what the right move is.  I never do with her. Because everything I do is wrong. I go NC, she goes crazy and drags me back. I try and be her friend and she just goes for my throat.

And killing her with kindness may be the wrong word. I'm just being strong when she comes at me. I'm being nice and genuine to her, but when shes tries and cuts me up, even though it hurts and I doubt myself, I don't react to it. I'll just roll with it and continue to be positive with her.

[zenwexler]

I also have to assume that if she's not being very nice to me now in the present moment, then she can't be acting all too nice to her bf either.

[zenwexler]

it's funny, a part of me is actually scared to be her friend because with the off chance that she manages to be nice and a good friend it would only make me sadder that we're not together. It's almost like every time she abuses me it's more reassurance that she does have serous issues

[zenwexler]

I asked her why she so badly wants to be facebook friends. She says "don't read into it like I know you do. i just don't like it when people have something against me." She really is cruel

[an0ught]

Hi zenwexler

So I kind of jump around in all the different forums. Everyone tells me to run so far. Which I admit is probably for the best. I won't re explain my story because if you want you can just read it in my intro, Long story short, Every time I go no contact she does everything she can to keep me around. NC has never made her finally come around. She just pulls me in and is like uhhh, I just want to be friends. 

I'm pretty much just trying to kill her with kindness. Every time we text I'm super positive, understanding and just go with the flow. But no matter what one minutes she's all sweet, the next text she like comes at me. She asked if we could be friends. I told her as long as shes open and honest, and kind to me I don't see why not She said "Eww, stop lecturing me, we're not in a relationship anymore so you can't do that." It's just so frustrating. I try and do everything I can and show her the man that I have become. That I am equipped to handle her. I mean we were trading baby pics by text and I was like awww, you look so cute and stuff. She says to mine, "meh, not that cute"  I mean is she just really that far gone? Is she trying to test me? 

Ok, let's try to kill this idea with kind love   Your approach is flawed - you are going 180 from where you should going i.e. the wrong direction. Super positive is super invalidating in most situations unless she is also super positive. But we all know pwBPD suffer from a lot of insecurity, anxiety and fear so most of the time being super positive is super hurting her. Please work through the workshops on validation e.g. here. It will make a big difference to how your communication is perceived by her.

[zenwexler]

Can you give me an example of how I should have handled that situation? When I mean i'm being kind in a nutshell I just mean that I'm not reacting in a negative way when she tries to be passive aggressive.I just kind of roll with it and be friendly. But you think that when she comes at me like that I should explore what she's feeling and validate it for her? I feel like anytime we get too serious or touch upon her being not happy or anything she just gets really defensive and shuts down. Because I feel like i try and do validate her emotions.  At least now. But at this stage in our relationship she doesn't TRULY let me know what's going on. It's all a show. She'll rarely ever admit if something is wrong. Even when she talked about her new bf it wasn't like oh my god he's amazing. She was almost lazy. It was a quick he's super chill, exactly what i need, balances out my nerves, so are you going to add me on facebook? None of her emotions ever feel authentic to me except when she is in panic mode. But if she's angry or coming at me passive aggressively then I never really know how to handle it except not give her the benefit of the doubt of giving her a negative response.

[an0ught]

Can you give me an example of how I should have handled that situation? When I mean i'm being kind in a nutshell I just mean that I'm not reacting in a negative way when she tries to be passive aggressive.I just kind of roll with it and be friendly. But you think that when she comes at me like that I should explore what she's feeling and validate it for her? I feel like anytime we get too serious or touch upon her being not happy or anything she just gets really defensive and shuts down. Because I feel like i try and do validate her emotions.  At least now. But at this stage in our relationship she doesn't TRULY let me know what's going on. It's all a show. She'll rarely ever admit if something is wrong. Even when she talked about her new bf it wasn't like oh my god he's amazing. She was almost lazy. It was a quick he's super chill, exactly what i need, balances out my nerves, so are you going to add me on facebook? None of her emotions ever feel authentic to me except when she is in panic mode. But if she's angry or coming at me passive aggressively then I never really know how to handle it except not give her the benefit of the doubt of giving her a negative response.

Let's take this:

I said to her "that awesome you're happy with that guy, and sure, we can be facebook friends" She responds. I mean it's not like you're doing me a favor. You're the one who unfriended me... . " She's so relentless.

If you look at her reaction you can see that she is becoming defensive. So some statement earlier was off key.

Do you truly think it is awesome and she is happy? - and if not - what would be a more accurate description from

  - your point of view?

  - her point of view?

[zenwexler]

Well I'm obviously not that happy! I want to be with her but she doesn't no that. I can think that me expressing my happiness for her throws her off because A. She's probably not that happy, or B. she's wants me to pine over her. I don't know. I like exploring this concept it's just confusing. Because I don't feel like I did anything wrong.

[zenwexler]

Also. Should I be texting her? Or should I only wait for when she texts me? I really am the definition of walking on eggshells

[gotbushels]

Hi zenwexler

So I kind of jump around in all the different forums. Everyone tells me to run so far. Which I admit is probably for the best. I won't re explain my story because if you want you can just read it in my intro, Long story short, Every time I go no contact she does everything she can to keep me around. NC has never made her finally come around. She just pulls me in and is like uhhh, I just want to be friends. 

I'm pretty much just trying to kill her with kindness. Every time we text I'm super positive, understanding and just go with the flow. But no matter what one minutes she's all sweet, the next text she like comes at me. She asked if we could be friends. I told her as long as shes open and honest, and kind to me I don't see why not She said "Eww, stop lecturing me, we're not in a relationship anymore so you can't do that." It's just so frustrating. I try and do everything I can and show her the man that I have become. That I am equipped to handle her. I mean we were trading baby pics by text and I was like awww, you look so cute and stuff. She says to mine, "meh, not that cute"  I mean is she just really that far gone? Is she trying to test me? 

Ok, let's try to kill this idea with kind love   Your approach is flawed - you are going 180 from where you should going i.e. the wrong direction. Super positive is super invalidating in most situations unless she is also super positive. But we all know pwBPD suffer from a lot of insecurity, anxiety and fear so most of the time being super positive is super hurting her. Please work through the workshops on validation e.g. here. It will make a big difference to how your communication is perceived by her.

Hi Anought

Just wanted to pop in and say thanks for your thoughts on the 'killing her w kindness' thing. I need to think about that a bit more personally. With my BP, she's incredibly pessimistic and 'feeds' on my optimism to a large extent. I've also learned that it's really important not to over-promise, and even level-promises are overvalued and then torn down. So I'm trying to find out what a healthy level of positivity is as well.

zenwexler if you haven't been through a tear-down of expectations yet and the damage it can cause, I hope you'll have a good think about Anought's posts as well. My BP really self-destructed to a huge extent when she tore down her 'virtual' image of me, even on a misunderstanding of what I said in one instance. One instance was linked to lifelong abandonment so it could have been really mentally damaging on her I think. Worthwhile to look at not being overvalued so you don't destroy your BP gf.

And that's a great workshop. I've been trying validation and want more practice in getting in right.

Thanks... .

Well I'm obviously not that happy! I want to be with her but she doesn't no that. I can think that me expressing my happiness for her throws her off because A. She's probably not that happy, or B. she's wants me to pine over her. I don't know. I like exploring this concept it's just confusing. Because I don't feel like I did anything wrong.

Zenwexler I think it would be a good idea to talk it over with her. I think it would be a good idea to be careful on your part about having a serious conversation with her and playing 'the chase game'. Be sensitive about what you say and don't assume she's going to interpret things like 'most normal people' would. That was one of my big mistakes.

... .  

I've chased girls my entire life. NONE have ever lasted this long. I just never know if by doing what I do increases my chances of getting her back or just pushes her away more. Like does staying friends with her help out her current relationship? Does it help build mine and hers? I don't know what the right move is.  I never do with her. Because everything I do is wrong. I go NC, she goes crazy and drags me back. I try and be her friend and she just goes for my throat.

... .

WADR, this makes me uneasy.

You mentioning that "none" of your relationships have lasted longer than 8 months is somewhat worrying. It's not that you're unworthy, nor am I devaluing your ability in relationships, or anything negative like that. I'd like to stress that's not what this is about.

I feel that being with a BP is a much bigger commitment than being with a non-BP. I think before you proceed with her, you need to be clear about what you want. Whether that is "no friend", friend or romantic relationship. I'm worried about your own clarity about what you want with your relationship with her. I think it's important to be "extra" clear with yourself when it comes to a relationship with a BP.

Ie, it's really not a good idea to say you want to spend the rest of your life with her if you don't mean it. If you are still looking to date around, I think this is really important. While it's hard news for the majority of women to have this statement broken, I think it is potentially extremely hard on the BP because of the extremes of emotion and dependency that BPs are relatively more likely to have.

Ie, if you damage her, it could have much further, longer-term repercussions on her ideas of trust and of people in interpersonal relationships for years to come.

I think one of the things that are good to be taught to BPs are a sense of self and values. If you are looking at winning her back from her current partner, I'm not sure whether you'll be teaching her something valuable or something damaging. It makes me uncomfortable if you are looking at developing your relationship with her with the intent of breaking her up with her current bf to be with you?

IMO it's important to have a good set of reasons for yourself for major decisions. This would include the decision to maintaining a relationship with her, whether that be for friendship or romance. I think it would be a good idea to question what's important to you and to go in with honourable intentions, or at least clear intentions. If you go in wishy-washy, you will create an even wishy-washier mess in the BPs mind IMHO.

Also. Should I be texting her? Or should I only wait for when she texts me? I really am the definition of walking on eggshells

WADR, when you have figured out what you want from your relationship with her, I think you'll get the answer to this question. Have a read of the book if you can... .

[zenwexler]

Thank you for your response. I really appreciate your feedback. The reason for my lack of relationships is because A. I'm young. I was 23 when we met and just graduated college. And B. I never really met anyone until her that I wanted to date. Or at least I never met someone who reciprocated the feelings. I know what I want. I want another chance with her. I'm not trying to break them up. When she first told me about him I told her we can't be friends. That if she's dating someone then it's inappropriate for us to hang out and talk. She legit called me 10 times in two days and multiple texts. I went NC for like a fourth time. What happened? S She texted me a month later. Then called and texted me again two weeks after that. It wasn't until the second time around that I caved in and responded. I'm not trying to break them up. It's her that texts me. She's the one who called me. She's the one who asks me to hang out.

[gotbushels]

Hi zenwexler

Thanks for the continued discussion and your explanation. No worries on having a lack of relationships. I'm not judging your experience or putting myself in a position to  I just wanted to share my concern, given my experience with my gf.

I generally feel that if I wasn't committed enough, a lot of the time, I would leave her. I also wanted to share what I learned about people with BPD... . separation can be much more crushing than a lot of us can comprehend. So basically just tread carefully yeah?

I feel that you might want to consider that she's not assuming the same things as you. Things that may seem as though she's 'very' interested in you may just be part of the pathology. She may be texting many other men to fill the BP-specific pathological loneliness. 10 times or more in 2 days.

I say this next thing with all respect and power to you. She may just be looking for attention from you. I'd just like to suggest these things as I think they are important with dealing with someone with BPD. Maybe this might change how you feel about pursuing a romantic relationship with her while she is with another man.

Apart from this chat, I think it would help to get educated with the workshops and resources and things and see how others have been working with the BPs in their lives so that you're better equipped when you are dealing with her. Have a read of others' experiences on here too... . you'll see that you're not doing too badly 

[zenwexler]

So after spending almost everyday on this amazing forum with you amazing people and months of counseling I'm willing to accept reality. I have been living in a fantasy world that my ex will change. That with moving to New York, having a few extra friends around her, some yoga and church she'd suddenly be the sweet loving and caring person.

Talking to you all and my therapist I realized that this just isn't the case. That not only during our relationship but equally afterwards she clearly demonstrated that she is highly manipulative, abusive, and incapable of love. It's a heartbreaking realization but true none the less. I kept rationalizing and making excuses for her behavior but its time for me to move on.

My therapist said you MUST recognize how sick this girl is. And recognize how sick you are to even want a relationship with her. That if I was in a better place I would have never been in a relationship with her in the first place.

He asked what my biggest fear was. I told him that she would change and be happier and a great person without me.

He replied that I'm afraid that that "apple" will one day ripen? And that I'll never find a another one? He called me out and said that's an irrational fear. I then asked him if he thought her "apple" would ever ripen. He was dead serious when he said this. He's a no bull ___ kind of a guy. He Said he thinks she is rotten to the core.

Which I admit does sadden me.  I'm starting  to recognize that she truly will never be a caring loving person. I know how hard it is to change. And unfortunately the average person in the world don't change casually without a lot of hardwork.

My therapist said that with BPD. It's virtually impossible to ever live a happy and healthy lifestyle.

It's funny. He made sense of all her actions. How she manipulated me, how she never answers my questions about why she won't let me go. how she breaks me down, tells me she doesn't want to be together but refuses to let me go and never leaves me alone. Wants to know about my love life. Not becAuse she cares. But because she wants to know if I'm still available. Before we broke up she told me she would love to break up date other people then get back together later in life. Of course later down the road she said she doesn't feel that way anymore. But again her actions prove otherwise. I know she loves me. I know she wants me in her life. And I know a part of her would like to come back to me in time.  And I know she struggles to let me go. Because if she wanted to. Or could. She would have long ago. Especially after moving and dAting.  And I take comfort in that. I truly do.  Her words say no love but her actions scream I CARE. I LOVE AND MISS YOU!

I used to have anxiety about that I wasn't good enough. That I wasn't strong enough. That all her other exes broke up with her. Why did she break up with me? I learned from her old roommate that she abused all her exes full force just like me. She told me that she thought it was awesome how I would actually take a stand to her. That I wouldn't back down. That her exes never did that.

It makes so much sense. She left because  I didn't put up with her crazy. I challenged her. Pushed her to see reality and grow. And she didn't like it. I also realized that I wanted to break up with her multiple times. She just always dooped me to stay.

i would have been the third bf to break up with her in 1.5 years. It makes so much sense. And she broke up with me because once upon a time I was stronger. Higher self esteem. Not an easy target. I take comfort in that as well

It's always natural to fear when an ex gets a new relationship she's going to be amazing and happy and healthy with them and get married. Again her actions towards me prove to not be the case. I used to worry. What if her next relationship lasts? I realized if it does that just means this "laid back" nice guy from Hawaii is just giving her whatever ever she wants. That he's just catering to her everyday needs. And lets be honest. There is a ton, and most likely she's not really meeting his needs. So again. In the low self esteem state I have currently i take comfort in that as well. That shes abusing this guy just as much as she did all her bfs. No matter how great he is. And that if he lasts. It's because he's waved the white flag while she goes for the throat. I'm sure one day when I'm stronger I'll feel bad for him. But again. I take comfort in knowing that she's kind of doomed. I fully admit that. But hey. Anything that helps me sleep at night I'll take it.

I used to beg her. Just be nice to me. Give me some sex. And I'll literally do anything for you. ANYTHING. She couldn't even do that. All I ever asked was for some love. But she's selfish. Narcissistic and self centered. Even when she described her new bf it was selfish. He balances out my nerves. He's what I need.  All very self centered needy statements.

So I know the journey ahead is tough. I feel strong right now but I know I'll feel low at times as well. I'm going to ATTEMPT to maintain a friendship.

She's lost. She's scared. She's alone. Even in a relationship. She's unhappy. She always will be. And I'm going to support her to the best of my abilities. I want to be a strong enough person where I can handle anything thrown my way. And who knows. Maybe when she realizes how sad and alone she truly is we can try again. But I know that if I stick to the right path, that even if she would want to. Id be strong enough and healthy enough to recognize that that would not lead to a happy and fulfilled life.

I still do wish the best for her. I want everyone to be happy and in love. I know I have my problems. We all do. And I don't say this lightly, or for a self esteem boost. But I am the most loving and caring person I know. I know that any girl would be lucky to team up with me in life. Because I truly am willing to do whatever it takes for the people in my life.

Life is hard. I'm not looking for a wife. A girl to take care of. A sex partner. I'm looking for a best friend. A teammate. An equal.   Not someone that I have to look after. Someone who I can team up with and tackle life TOGETHER.

In this moment things are so clear. She'll never be happy. She'll never be healthy. She'll never add to my life. Just take. And being with her will not aid in my pursuit of happiness. in fact. She can only take away from it.

I know she'll try and convince me otherwise. I know she'll try and let me know how happy and healthy she's doing. It's what she always does. Unfortunately  her whole life is and always will be smoke and mirrors. Breaks my heart. But I can go to sleep at night knowing that I tried my best. That things didn't workout between us because I demanded more. Not because I wasn't good enough or expected too much.

And to be honest that makes me smile. Healthy people are attracted to healthy people. And at first she dooped me. But I saw the red flags by the second date when she yelled at me. When I picked up an abusive partner brochure at the health center. It was my fault for getting sucked in and staying. But hey. It's what they do best. And to be honest she was the first girl I ever got close with.

I know through this whole experience I have grown so much. I learned from my mistakes. I learned what I want in a relationship and what I don't. It still breaks my heart and saddens me knowing that I can never have a happy and healthy relationship with her. And that she is all smoke and mirrors. And that even when she appears to be happy and grounded that its all a show. All lies she tells me and herself.

I appreciate everyone's honest and sincere feedback. I'm going to continue to post on here and help others as well as still receive help and support. I know  everyone on here will continue to support me and remind me that this girl I love  is truly sick and to pursue a relationship with her isn't wise or healthy by no means. And that unfortunately she's not going to change. Just reminders that I'll still need to hear from other people.

Thank you all for everything.