My exUBPDgf has gotten engaged to my replacement.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all.

I haven't been in here for a while. Needed a break. Been feeling a lot better. I have been able to piece together more details of what actually transpired in round 2 of my relationship with my exUBPDgf. First, during this time last year when the devaluation began, she started to cheat on me with my replacement. I had clues in front of me but didn't really know who. Now I know. I was later discarded in July of last year. NC since that day. Fast forward to this past March, and I was told that she officially posts on her social media that as is in a relationship(with the guy she was cheating in me with), with enough months gone by as to not raise questions by others. Now, as of the other day, word came to me that she has gotten engaged to my replacement. The replacement lives in the Dominican Republic, she lives in Boston. It stung me a bit when I found out. The feeling quickly passed. As you can see, what I described is not that dissimilar from all of your accounts. Unreal and yet quite 'normal' in the grotesque land of BPD.

[Ironmanrises]

Hi all.

I haven't been in here for a while. Needed a break. Been feeling a lot better. I have been able to piece together more details of what actually transpired in round 2 of my relationship with my exUBPDgf. First, during this time last year when the devaluation began, she started to cheat on me with my replacement. I had clues in front of me but didn't really know who. Now I know. I was later discarded in July of last year. NC since that day. Fast forward to this past March, and I was told that she officially posts on her social media that as is in a relationship(with the guy she was cheating in me with), with enough months gone by as to not raise questions by others. Now, as of the other day, word came to me that she has gotten engaged to my replacement. The replacement lives in the Dominican Republic, she lives in Boston. It stung me a bit when I found out. The feeling quickly passed. As you can see, what I described is not that dissimilar from all of your accounts. Unreal and yet quite 'normal' in the grotesque land of BPD.

[Turkish]

Hi all.

I haven't been in here for a while. Needed a break. Been feeling a lot better. I have been able to piece together more details of what actually transpired in round 2 of my relationship with my exUBPDgf. First, during this time last year when the devaluation began, she started to cheat on me with my replacement. I had clues in front of me but didn't really know who. Now I know. I was later discarded in July of last year. NC since that day. Fast forward to this past March, and I was told that she officially posts on her social media that as is in a relationship(with the guy she was cheating in me with), with enough months gone by as to not raise questions by others. Now, as of the other day, word came to me that she has gotten engaged to my replacement. The replacement lives in the Dominican Republic, she lives in Boston. It stung me a bit when I found out. The feeling quickly passed. As you can see, what I described is not that dissimilar from all of your accounts. Unreal and yet quite 'normal' in the grotesque land of BPD.

That must be an awesome feeling to confront and then discard, IMR, good for you!

Does it give you more closure, to be able to put more pieces together?

A LDR... . perfect for a pwBPD. my uBPDx's older brother has such obvious BPD traits that I don't have to be in a r/s with him to see (even uBPDx complains about his traits... . while failing to see them in herself).

He was in the typical love bombing r/s with someone here in town. He moved in with her and her three kids. It lasted 3 weeks before he moved out and they broke up. They had been going out for months before that. He was into being a good male father figure to her kids. Pretty sad, but typical. Only months after this, he went back to his home country and found a "wife." A woman who also had kids. It's still unclear on whether he is really married to her. The r/s lasts... . because while doing the teenage luv stuff on FB (funny that it is mostly one way: from him to her, and he also sends her money), they only see each other every few months. I really wonder if your Exgf will stay in the fantasy from a comfortable distance, and then declare victory to herself.

[Ironmanrises]

Turkish,

Finding out about what really happened in round 2, just further highlights how incredibly sick my exUBPDgf is. She has 2 kids. And she was doing this in front of them. Disturbing. Disgusting. And ultimately, saddening. No longer my problem. My closure is radical acceptance. The uncomfortable reality that her illness, is hers. And the best thing for me, is to stay as far away as I can from such a person. Over 9 months NC to date. Her engagement to my replacement does not make her illness disappear. If she spun out of control in such a manner with me and I was not even engaged to her, try and picture what getting engaged to someone she cheated with and only 9 months after she discarded me, will really do to her BPD. She couldn't handle emotional closeness with me in a relationship, just imagine what an engagement entails. Plus, prior to her posting about the engagement, I was informed that she was putting out "I am a damsel in distress" type of vague postings on her social media. It was the very type of things she was doing with me. To try and lure some other guy to rescue her. Her pattern of insanity will continue. And that guy had no idea the hell that she will unleash on him.

[LuckyNicki]

Looks like you are way ahead of me. My ex wanted to get MARRIED badly.  A lot of her wants for marriage are from all the WRONG reasons.  I am trying to detach as much as possible in preparation for when she does get engaged. 

I really believe it's anytime soon or within this year.  She has a lot of game so I believe she can get this guy to propose.  She has so much game that she even convinced me to consider marrying her - and that is almost impossible at such a small timeframe. 

I'm trying to imagine myself hearing this news and being okay with it.  Although still some bursts of anger comes out but I hope to be in your shoes soon and be able to quickly get over it. 

[Octoberfest]

Ironman-

I know it hurts to find that your BPDex cheated. I vividly remember you commenting several times that you were unsure if she ever had... . but in some way it must be a relief almost.  Again, painful, but a relief because it is just more confirmation that she is sick, unwell, and unfit for being in a loving, genuine, monogamous relationship. 

I have also dealt with hearing that my BPDex is engaged... . it has been almost 1 year since the breakup, and 2 engagements, 3+ guys later, this morning I found her on a phone application that is pretty popular with the college age crowd called "Tinder" (for example, if you are a straight male it will show you profiles of straight females in your area.  You see up to 5 pictures of them and a few sentences, and you either choose 'yes' or 'no'.  If both parties say 'yes' to each others' photos, the app starts a conversation between them.)  She is listed as 24, not 23 which she is really, and what she had to say in the "about me" was quite entertaining... . I sat there thinking, "Wow.  Reading this, and looking at her photos, you would have no idea this is a girl who has been married once, engaged several other times, who has a super dysfunctional family, who is a serial cheater and liar, who has self harmed, and who otherwise is severely messed up."  Bottom line, she is up to her old tricks.  Shockingly, she hasn't found her happily ever after since we split.

I have run the gambit of emotions in the year since the breakup and 9 months of NC, which most of you here saw, and while for quite awhile i felt sadness and sorrow that my BPDex lived the life she did, I see now that it is by and large because of the choices she has made, and continues to make.  What I can say now is, not out of bitterness, thank God she is not in my life, and thank God our paths are divergent ones.  It is not a matter of "we just weren't right for each other".  So long as she avoids the years of intensive therapy it is going to take to see anything different, she is a toxin and heartache for anyone who gets involved with her.

We are not missing out Ironman.  In fact, if we are going to compare ourselves to our BPDex's, we came out on top.  We got hurt sure, but we have gained so much in the way of awareness of our own emotions as well as peoples behavior, and we are taking those lessons forward to exact a different reality.  Our BPDex's are playing out the same story and hoping for a different ending.  You know that, but it is nice to hear it still sometimes.

[Emelie Emelie]

Hello Ironman - I've been away for awhile too.  Went back for round two  :'( What I loved to read in your post was that it stung a bit but the feeling passed quickly.  Remembering your posts from last summer... . well that's just a wonderful thing to read.

[Front runner]

Hi Ironman,

Me too same as Emelie, I've been stuck in the washing machine.

Out now but back to square minus 10.

Your posts were the most inspiring for me last summer too. Am now going to desperately

Follow your lead. Complete survival mode from now on. Your progress has been awesome.

Sorry you had to come back but nice to hear from you!

[goldylamont]

Ironmanrises--it is great to hear from you again. and yes it is sad to know that she's going to keep doing what she has in the past. this poor guy has no idea but he's about to see. a neighbor told me my ex just moved her boyfriend in with her. i can tell you now that it's only going to blow up in his face. i'm hoping when it does it's enough for her to move away, but so far i've been really blessed so we don't run into each other. i feel like one day i'm going to have to buy that guy a beer then send him to this site maybe when it's all over if she leaves then he and i will be good neighbors and laugh about the whole thing... . ?

also, i love your name change to "-rises" from "-falls". so fitting. hang in there you're almost to the 1 year mark. then set your sights on year 2. Octoberfest is right, all of us here on leaving, though hurt from the break are only moving in the direction of a better future without the extra abuse. you're actually almost a year ahead on your journey than the other guy... .

[arn131arn]

Iroman, you were with me until 4 am during the darkest hours of my life a few months ago. PMing me hope and courage and making me laugh with your, at times, very dark sense of humor

So, I came into this thread to save you from all the pain I thought you would be going through rises!

But I didn't need to do that at all. I am very proud of you for the steps you have taken, the knowledge of your situation, and the tenacity for letting her go and sticking to NC even when things got hectic with your reintroduction to social media.

Godspeed, bro

[Ironmanrises]

Thank you all for replying. I really appreciate you guys commenting.

The replacement was one of those 'orbiters' I used to reference a lot(i had no idea it was him that she ended up cheating on me  with, then engaging to). That guy knew she was my girlfriend while the cheating commenced. His fate is sealed. He will soon(if not already) learn the meaning of being in a relationship with a pwBPD. The frightening meaning. The one all of us here have learned in the cruelest of ways. I am not 100% healed, but I am further down the healing path than I was many months ago when I was a regular contributor to this forum. When she comes looking for me as her engagement will ultimately implode in BPD horrific fashion, she will not find a response awaiting her. After learning of the betrayal and all of this, I cannot allow such a person reentry into my life. No more hurricanes within my garden.

[Emelie Emelie]

No more hurricanes.

[Ironmanrises]

Now I am seeing(hearing) about her behavior from an outside position. It is exactly the same as it was when she was with me. Showcasing the guy all over her social media(she did that with me in round 1, then hid me in round 2). Same lovebombing. Same "struggling/damsel in distress" vague statuses designed to attract support from other guys(potential replacements) as she did with me(especially in round 2). Same sickening behavior. Same god awful hurricane.

[Turkish]

Now I am seeing(hearing) about her behavior from an outside position. It is exactly the same as it was when she was with me. Showcasing the guy all over her social media(she did that with me in round 1, then hid me in round 2). Same lovebombing. Same "struggling/damsel in distress" vague statuses designed to attract support from other guys(potential replacements) as she did with me(especially in round 2). Same sickening behavior. Same god awful hurricane.

Same script, same play, different actors... .

I was with one of my boys the other night, a kid, now 24, whom I mentored in the at risk youth program where I met my uBPDx years ago. We were having beers, comparing war stories over his Ex, who sounded like she had BPD traits, but was certianly emotionally immature, and I said let's have a picture burning party. I pulled out one pic my Ex had taken of us early in our r/s, and it was a staged pic of us kissing and me holding a flower. He said that the pic pissed him off because he saw a similar one of her and my replacement on her FB page. I felt bad for a day, then got over it. SSDD.

[Ironmanrises]

Now I am seeing(hearing) about her behavior from an outside position. It is exactly the same as it was when she was with me. Showcasing the guy all over her social media(she did that with me in round 1, then hid me in round 2). Same lovebombing. Same "struggling/damsel in distress" vague statuses designed to attract support from other guys(potential replacements) as she did with me(especially in round 2). Same sickening behavior. Same god awful hurricane.

Same script, same play, different actors... .

I was with one of my boys the other night, a kid, now 24, whom I mentored in the at risk youth program where I met my uBPDx years ago. We were having beers, comparing war stories over his Ex, who sounded like she had BPD traits, but was certianly emotionally immature, and I said let's have a picture burning party. I pulled out one pic my Ex had taken of us early in our r/s, and it was a staged pic of us kissing and me holding a flower. He said that the pic pissed him off because he saw a similar one of her and my replacement on her FB page. I felt bad for a day, then got over it. SSDD.

As disturbing and horrific as it sounds, it is literally the norm in dealing with a pwBPD. A pattern of behavior. And now mine is engaged, to a guy she referred to me prior(when i was her boyfriend) as ugly and a loser, only shows me exactly how that will end. I experienced her behavior as friends and was discarded, experienced her in round 1 of relationship and was discarded, and experienced her in round 2 and was discarded.