Today I saw my BPD for who she really is

[Jason886]

I don't know why but for some reason today I saw my BPD for who she really is. I didn't expect her to be at work but she was. She looked so unhappy and barely acknowledged me, not surprising considering I ended our friendship.

Seeing her look so unhappy sparked something, a realization. She is a hurt, lonely, lost little girl who desperately wants to love and be loved but doesn't know how. I know that BPD's have been described as this often but it is truly a revelation when you are able to see it for yourself. In that moment she lost a lot of her mystique.

It was almost like an instant change, my feelings receded but my empathy and compassion didn't. I truly feel for her, because I can understand how scary and hard life must seem at times for her. To desperately want something that you fear.

I realized that we both wanted something from each other that neither of us are prepared/capable of giving: unconditional love.

It's left me feeling strange, because I don't know what to feel at the moment. I don't love her, I don't hate her, I just kind of understand.

[charred]

Unconditional love is what you were looking for, and when it is found, it is comes from good parents of young children or pets. The lure of unconditional love, when it seems attainable will over power common sense... and make fools of us. Normal mature love is conditional, but the conditions are pretty easily met, we love and value someone as important to our lives... and treat them as such. We expect them to love and value us as well. An infant or a pet, are not our partners, they are our dependents, we can love them deeply, more than they love us back, we take care of them and are responsible for their care and feeding. We hope they grow up to be independent mature adults, or grown animals.

With someone that is looking for unconditional love, when we are also looking for it... there is no way it can turn out well. The bond that is unconditional is a primary bond, like a parent-child one. If we bond that way... which in a BPD r/s we often do... we find ourselves and our psuedo-partner acting like either a punitive parent or childish. We unleash intense feelings we haven't had since childhood (both good and bad), we see the magic in life again, and we relive and revive  our long suppressed issues. We let our guard down, and trust completely, we feel truly close and intimate with our pwBPD... and we dream of a wonderful future. Our pwBPD... go along with us to a point, then get worried about abandonment and engulfment and stress out till they have to act on it. If that action is dumping us... . then we truly feel the primary bond we mistakenly made with them. Instead of a normal breakup, with a little down time... we feel like the most important thing in our lives died... we go in to the grief/mourning stages ... and can find that the intensity is even greater than when one of our actual parents dies. Our pwBPD may feel the same way... but just as often they don't... in fact they may have dumped us because they just were feeling anxious over the closeness... and then fearing being alone, they take up with someone else (with similar neediness)... and are back being intense and apparently happy... adding to our profound misery.

Our choice of partners is strongly influenced by our FOO... as babies whatever we had... we saw as love deep down, and we react and seek it out. The sparks you feel for someone ... . is the cookie cutter "ideal" you grew up with... . matching someone. So if you had secure bonding and really good parents... you are set. If you are reeling from a r/s with a pwBPD... . you have an uphill battle to address your issues, learn to avoid toxic people and change yourself enough to attract and keep someone with mature real love. The unconditional love doesn't work for grown ups... except with their kids... otherwise when you give your best to someone... you will find that the pwBPD takes it, and gives you heartache and grief in return, instead of appreciating your sacrifices, they paint you black, and instead of loving you forever... they move on to the next in a long line of failed relationships.

I thought I was the exception to the way this all worked... my pwBPD was outgoing, passionate, vibrantly alive... . my mother was quiet, reserved, undemonstrative of love. Learned more about BPD... and found my pwBPD... was acting out... and my mother was the waif BPD type, acting in... but at heart, they are the same. Been looking at everyone I know different, I see this aspect of relationships... all around and I am not seeing exceptions... it is very constant. You can blame your pwBPD, dig in to it and realize it goes back further... . blame your folks... but now that your eyes are open... and you are a grown up... . your life is your responsibility.  Most of us do the same thing over and over,  if you want things to get better you need to change what you do. This stuff is deeply rooted... see a T, they really help.

[whippoorwill]

The best kind of unconditional love is the kind that you give yourself. It takes a lot of work for some of us to get to the point of actually loving ourselves and forgiving ourselves for mistakes we have made. The hardest part is realizing the damage we have done to ourselves by not listening to our own needs. This is something I've recently discovered that revolves around not setting reasonable boundaries for myself throughout my life. It's amazing how difficult it can be to even be able to listen to yourself. I have two voices. One is the voice I use with others, and the other one is the one I use with myself. I found that one to be so quiet that I wasn't hearing it. Like a microscopic animal, I had to gain the knowledge that it was there, get the tools to be able to hear it (meditation and mindfulness were extremely helpful here), and then get the courage to listen.

[goldylamont]

I don't know why but for some reason today I saw my BPD for who she really is. I didn't expect her to be at work but she was. She looked so unhappy and barely acknowledged me, not surprising considering I ended our friendship.

Seeing her look so unhappy sparked something, a realization. She is a hurt, lonely, lost little girl who desperately wants to love and be loved but doesn't know how. I know that BPD's have been described as this often but it is truly a revelation when you are able to see it for yourself. In that moment she lost a lot of her mystique.

It was almost like an instant change, my feelings receded but my empathy and compassion didn't. I truly feel for her, because I can understand how scary and hard life must seem at times for her. To desperately want something that you fear.

I realized that we both wanted something from each other that neither of us are prepared/capable of giving: unconditional love.

It's left me feeling strange, because I don't know what to feel at the moment. I don't love her, I don't hate her, I just kind of understand.

this post is so awesome Jason886. i'm slowly getting to this place myself but without being in contact with my ex. hold onto these emotions as they are ones that will serve you well. you can only have true compassion when you are in a position of strength. it's a great realization to have.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Jason886,

I think this realization is a gift to yourself, and will help you move on.  Thank you for sharing it.  I believe people with BPD deserve our compassion, as you so eloquently described.  Holding on to hate or anger ultimately hurts us more than anyone, so I'm glad you have found this tender spot in your heart.  It will set you (and her) free.

[BacknthSaddle]

Unconditional love is what you were looking for, and when it is found, it is comes from good parents of young children or pets. The lure of unconditional love, when it seems attainable will over power common sense... and make fools of us. Normal mature love is conditional, but the conditions are pretty easily met, we love and value someone as important to our lives... and treat them as such. We expect them to love and value us as well. An infant or a pet, are not our partners, they are our dependents, we can love them deeply, more than they love us back, we take care of them and are responsible for their care and feeding. We hope they grow up to be independent mature adults, or grown animals.

With someone that is looking for unconditional love, when we are also looking for it... there is no way it can turn out well. The bond that is unconditional is a primary bond, like a parent-child one. If we bond that way... which in a BPD r/s we often do... we find ourselves and our psuedo-partner acting like either a punitive parent or childish. We unleash intense feelings we haven't had since childhood (both good and bad), we see the magic in life again, and we relive and revive  our long suppressed issues. We let our guard down, and trust completely, we feel truly close and intimate with our pwBPD... and we dream of a wonderful future... .

I have to agree with charred here.  Successful, healthy partner-love is not so much unconditional as it is durable.  As charred says, the "conditions" are easily met.  Furthermore, if conditions are not met on some occasion, and if damage has been done to the bond, not only can the bond be repaired, but there is confidence on the part of both partners that this repair can occur.  Partners feel safe and secure in this relationship even when challenges arise.

I think it is fair to say that most of us who have detached/are detaching from BPDexs rarely felt "safe" in our relationships, felt that they were "secure" (except possibly in the beginning), even as we were expressing undying, white-hot love for each other.  The truth is that, in healthy relationships, it is not necessary to constantly say things like "I'll never stop loving you," "I'll love you until the end of time," etc, because those things are understood confidently to be the case.  They quite literally "go without saying."

[Popcorn71]

 

I think it is fair to say that most of us who have detached/are detaching from BPDexs rarely felt "safe" in our relationships, felt that they were "secure" (except possibly in the beginning), even as we were expressing undying, white-hot love for each other.  The truth is that, in healthy relationships, it is not necessary to constantly say things like "I'll never stop loving you," "I'll love you until the end of time," etc, because those things are understood confidently to be the case.  They quite literally "go without saying."

You are quite right with this.  I thought it was romantic when my exBPDh told me that 'he must tell me he loved me everyday' and he said time and time again that he would always love me, would never leave me, would be with me until the day he died, etc.

But I always felt that he was trying to convince himself that he had these feelings though.  I wanted to believe him but in the back of my mind there was always a nagging doubt.

I now know that this was because I was ignoring a  .  If he really loved me he wouldn't have had to say so much to try to convince both of us it was true.

Slowly I am beginning to accept the whole relationship was not real.

[BacknthSaddle]

I now know that this was because I was ignoring a  .  If he really loved me he wouldn't have had to say so much to try to convince both of us it was true.

Slowly I am beginning to accept the whole relationship was not real.

Try not to beat yourself up about being in a relationship that "wasn't real" (I don't know that you are beating yourself up, but if you are).  I have struggled on and off with this feeling as well.  But the truth is twofold:

1) It was real to me at the time.  It was tremendously misguided of me to think that that was the way love worked, but it's what I thought.  Because of this relationship, I have learned better.

2) It was as real to her as any relationship ever is.  Maybe one day that will be different, after a lot of work, but that's not my problem.  This relationship had value (was "real" because I learned important things about myself as a result of it.  And I learned that things I used to pine for are actually huge red flags, harbingers of relationship failure.