Ive been smeared.

[Split black]

My last contact with my BPDexgf was last week... . on a Tues. I had caved and texted, broke NC after 2 hard months of anguish... . it was a very negative conversation... following day she texted me to get her something... . I didnt but I saw her... It was horrible... nothing went as planned... she was working a new job, and was coming out at 2pm to have lunch and talk. She did but, she just wanted money and something else that I did not provide. That pissed her off.  She sat in my car for a few minutes, asked me to drive her to a pharmacy and to borrow 20 dollars... . WHY I gave that to her is beyond me. Old habits die hard. Gave her a 50. She refused to give me the promised change. She said I didnt need it but she did.  And then went back into work... . she said to meet her after work... . I was told to meet her, I stupidly did... . we spoke thru car windows... . negative conversation, mostly about how great her life is.  That night more texts, I texted her I admit... . I gave her a historical synopsis and how I felt, but absolutely didnt beg or appear needy. She called, we spoke, she seemed very high. Conversation ended with her saying goodnite... . and to call her when I got back.

Well... I went south to another sate for a few days, met with friends, had a good time. In my absence she started telling business associates ( she knew two and I did not know she knew them... . she researched it) ... . and god knows who else that I was a lying, manipulating terrible person who took advantage of her. She even called my ex wife and had a conversation about me!  I am friends with my ex wife, we have grown kids together, there are no issues. I had to hear these stories with no truth to them... . which bottom line made me appear to be an older man that was desperate for her and was bothering her, and that she ended it with me ( not that my ex wife would have any idea about my dating life, she does not) because I was too controlling etc etc. It was humiliating and embarrassing to have my private life with a younger woman exposed in that light... . ugh.  ( Yeah, I guess I should not have busted having sex with another guy for the 2nd time... . not her ex who she is currently with.)  Whatever.

Now im faced with answering questions from some ( so far) people, and in defending myself to them, sounds like Im guilty of her accusations.  I had no idea she was going to try to ruin my reputation because she is now vulnerable to the considerable sketchy and illegal activities she partakes. Im stunned by her behavior yet again.

Now what? Seek revenge? Lower myself to that immature level. I want to badly. However I have done nothing. Im trying to disappear.  Ive blocked her number, she never had FB access, there is literally no way she can contact me ever again. I have blocked her from all email access. She has not tried to contact me, but I cant imagine what she is thinking... . is she waiting for a response to her attack? This disgusts me. Shes too damaged to warrant further injury... . or at least this is how I am rationalizing this uncalled for unexpected smear campaign... . she must know and not care that she has completely closed the door any potential help from me ever again. Love... . must have been conditional with me toward her too... . because she is dead to me now.

With this last action of hers... . whatever rumination, whatever love I felt... . whatever hold she had on me... . whatever compulsion that I endured because of her contamination... . is broken. I have no words, no reasons to explain why or how, or motive she could possibly have to do this. And I dont care anymore. For real.

But if anyone has experience with smear campaigns... . help me understand... . why now? Just for the sake of knowledge.

[woodsposse]

But if anyone has experience with smear campaigns... . help me understand... . why now? Just for the sake of knowledge.

Because they can.

[Split black]

Brief update... .  apparently she wasn't blocked on my phone... . maybe I need another number or must do it on-line. Im getting a new number tomorrow and re attempting to block her damn number. At any rate. After her initial attack 6 days back... . I received a text an hour ago saying... . " i want my keys back asap." I told her long ago I threw them away... . but during the conversation I had with her about a week ago, a day before her character assault, she asked again if I had them, and i told her I did... . stupid me... . I saw a smile when I replied. That was it.

There was no apology, no recognition of the unnecessary damage she has caused. Just " I want my keys asap" I have never ever done one thing to hurt this girl. I have shown her kindness, generosity, caring, comfort, love, patience and understanding. I would still never hurt her. Shes too pathetic. I have never ever tried to control a single thing in her life, except to suggest re-hab, therapy and going back to school to further her education... . ( and I said I would help with tuition) Its just un-fu*king believable how she has twisted and re-invented our personal history. I am so sick of this.

She hasn't heard a single word from me, the utter balls this b*tch has even asking me anything is beyond belief. Im pissed at myself that she wasn't blocked. I am not contacting her. Maybe she is afraid of some retaliation on my part... . maybe shes testing. I dont want my mind being effected by this toxicity for another moment. Ive wasted too much of this life caring about her. I can not afford any contact. Not even a simple Ive thrown them away, which is what I just did. She has two other sets of keys at least.

Suggestions from anyone that has experienced this sort of thing would be appreciated.

[Skip]

This is really bad.  I'm sorry you're going through this. 

You know (and I know you know) that there is an elephant in this room.

Ive been SMEARED.

or is it

I'm in mid-life crisis?

I didn't realize how this girl revitalized me, made me feel young again. She clung to every word. Said she couldn't see her life without me in it.

This is what you lost.  This is what is hurting you.  This is what you fear you can't ever replace.  This is what drives the desperation.

I've read your posts and this relationship is built on a foundation of quicksand. To anyone looking it, its very clear what happening here. 

Three weeks later she texts, says shes sorry, but was afraid of her feelings, she loved me wanted to see me again blah blah. I ran to her like a whipped dog. We start it up again. She said she would never do it again.

Split black, this is serious addiction level stuff.  And I don't want to unnecessarily frighten you, but we have had members fall into deep depression and eventually take their lives over this very same scenario.

I know you think you are above it - and you probably are - they thought so too - but I at least want to sound the alarm.

Now what? Seek revenge? Lower myself to that immature level. I want to badly.

Have you considered an addiction recovery program - 12 step - maybe get a sponsor to talk you down when situations present?  Do you have a friend that could do that.  We certainly can help here.

This is not going to end well, Split black, until you see that this is more you than her.

I hoe that doesn't offend - I'm really trying to help.

Skip

[Split black]

This is really bad.  I'm sorry you're going through this.  

You know (and I know you know) that there is an elephant in this room.

Ive been SMEARED.

or is it

I'm in mid-life crisis?

I didn't realize how this girl revitalized me, made me feel young again. She clung to every word. Said she couldn't see her life without me in it.

This is what you lost.  This is what is hurting you.  This is what you fear you can't ever replace.  This is what drives the desperation.

I've read your posts and this relationship is built on a foundation of quicksand. To anyone looking it, its very clear what happening here.  

Three weeks later she texts, says shes sorry, but was afraid of her feelings, she loved me wanted to see me again blah blah. I ran to her like a whipped dog. We start it up again. She said she would never do it again.

Split black, this is serious addiction level stuff.  And I don't want to unnecessarily frighten you, but we have had members fall into deep depression and eventually take their lives over this very same scenario.

I know you think you are above it - and you probably are - they thought so too - but I at least want to sound the alarm.

Now what? Seek revenge? Lower myself to that immature level. I want to badly.

Have you considered an addiction recovery program - 12 step - maybe get a sponsor to talk you down when situations present?  :)o you have a friend that could do that.  We certainly can help here.

This is not going to end well, Split black, until you see that this is more you than her.

I hoe that doesn't offend - I'm really trying to help.

Skip

Skip

I do appreciate the heads up. Yes... . It is, was, perhaps a midlife crisis.  I promise you that while Im not totally OK, Im in therapy. I have never had a suicidal thought in my life. Never ever. I turn it outward .

And truly... . the switch is off with this last action of hers. I just want to know the best way to handle the smear stuff. Im assuming no contact what-so-ever is the best way.

And really totally zero offense taken... . I want to thank you actually for pointing these things out because I do try to repress pain.

Im good in the depression regard. I was for sure off and on for a part of this non relationship... . if anything im angry... . and I know this sounds like bull___ but the proverbial switch is off. I have to think this was the last straw.  

Thanks bro.

[Skip]

and I know this sounds like bull___ but the proverbial switch is off. I have to think this was the last straw. 

It's all in your face and ugly... . and I'm sure you're repulsed... . but you have encountered deal breakers before, right?  This probably goes a little deeper.  If you are in addiction territory, its common to say this was the last blowout.

On the keys... . I think I'd call a locksmith and get a quote for rekeying her locks. Wait 24 hours (cool down), and then send her an email (not a text) that says you were not truthful about the keys and you don't have them to give back, but XYZ locksmith will rekey your locks and send me the bill if you call them... . you can reach them here.

This key thing is very risky.  She leads a risky life, sees more than on man at a time, drinks, buys druugs... . something could happen and you don't want her pointing the finger at you and the keys you said you have.  Besides, she deserves to know that you do not have access to the place she sleeps.

[kfifd196]

My uBPD wife did the same thing... . told everyone I was controlling, when it was her!  Projection!  She was abusing me, throwing hot tea on me, biting me, hitting me with objects, etc then filed a restraining order against ME!  Unreal... . It's scary and she has everyone believing I am the problem... . she blames me for 'ruining our relationship'.  I still care about her and love her, but it's because I realize she has a problem, otherwise I'd give up and move on.

She did the classic "put me on a pedestal", idolized me, moved in, got pregnant (all within 3 months), then had her 1st Rage incident, came back, and kept repeating the cycle, always blaming me, to the point her parents hate me EVEN THOUGH THEY WARNED ME, after she got pregnant, that she "should probably be on medication" and I should "set boundaries with her" and she can "be verbally abusive"... . Yet, they side with her.  I am a good guy, loyal, loving husband.  I don't cheat, never would and she has accused me of everything under the sun!  If I defend myself, I am the bad guy and called passive aggressive... . But, when she wasn't "on the darkside", she was the best wife and mother I could ask for, for me or our daughter!  Now, she just hates my guts and it hurts like hell... .

[Split black]

and I know this sounds like bull___ but the proverbial switch is off. I have to think this was the last straw. 

It's all in your face and ugly... . and I'm sure you're repulsed... . but you have encountered deal breakers before, right?  This probably goes a little deeper.  If you are in addiction territory, its common to say this was the last blowout.

Yes... . addiction, compulsion no doubt. No denial.  But all I can say is this feels very different. I feel a morbid sense of total relief. Very extremely repulsed.

On the keys... . I think I'd call a locksmith and get a quote for rekeying her locks. Wait 24 hours (cool down), and then send her an email (not a text) that says you were not truthful about the keys and you don't have them to give back, but XYZ locksmith will rekey your locks and send me the bill if you call them... . you can reach them here.

I dont have her email anymore. I have one number.

This key thing is very risky.  She leads a risky life, sees more than on man at a time, drinks, buys druugs... . something could happen and you don't want her pointing the finger at you and the keys you said you have.  Besides, she deserves to know that you do not have access to the place she sleeps.

Jesus... . I did not think about this. Damn... .   Shes with another guy... .   Its inappropriate for me to have a locksmith contact her. It would stir up even more drama. Her ex new boyfriend probably has no idea she was with me for any reason last week.  I dont want any written proof of my association with her. Im losing my phone and number, getting a new one. If she dares to show up at my house where I live with my young son I will call the police. Let me think this through.

[Split black]

My uBPD wife did the same thing... . told everyone I was controlling, when it was her!  Projection!  She was abusing me, throwing hot tea on me, biting me, hitting me with objects, etc then filed a restraining order against ME!  Unreal... . It's scary and she has everyone believing I am the problem... . she blames me for 'ruining our relationship'.  I still care about her and love her, but it's because I realize she has a problem, otherwise I'd give up and move on.

She did the classic "put me on a pedestal", idolized me, moved in, got pregnant (all within 3 months), then had her 1st Rage incident, came back, and kept repeating the cycle, always blaming me, to the point her parents hate me EVEN THOUGH THEY WARNED ME, after she got pregnant, that she "should probably be on medication" and I should "set boundaries with her" and she can "be verbally abusive"... . Yet, they side with her.  I am a good guy, loyal, loving husband.  I don't cheat, never would and she has accused me of everything under the sun!  If I defend myself, I am the bad guy and called passive aggressive... . But, when she wasn't "on the darkside", she was the best wife and mother I could ask for, for me or our daughter!  Now, she just hates my guts and it hurts like hell... .

I feel your pain bro... . your situation seems to be standard fare. Im just speaking for myself, but you have only one life... . there are no do-overs. Ive read that radical acceptance advice. Its good to accept reality for what it is, and not for what we wish it would be. Think about what is best for your daughter... . what kind of influence would serve her best? Whats her best shot for a normal healthy life?

[Pecator]

Seriously SB,

Think about Skip's advice. Secure the legal route. This situation seems to be escalating. Document that you don't know where your keys are but are willing to make the effort for her to feel safe.

F' the old/new boy. Insure your safety. For all you know, they could be planning together.

The "key" issue leaves you vulnerable. protect that.

[Split black]

Seriously SB,

Think about Skip's advice. Secure the legal route. This situation seems to be escalating. Document that you don't know where your keys are but are willing to make the effort for her to feel safe.

F' the old/new boy. Insure your safety. For all you know, they could be planning together.

The "key" issue leaves you vulnerable. protect that.

I told her once I threw the keys away. I have thrown them out. They are gone. I want no contact of any kind. It would be a hard case to prove that I ever had them to begin with let alone kept a copy. She can change the locks, her boyfriend can change the locks.

Ive thrown the phone away. She has no way of contacting me that I know of without physically showing up at my house. That would be beyond sanity for her to do and shes never given any indication that she would go that far... . to prove what? Continue a smear campaign? I haven't heard much about it anymore... . whatever gossip is happening is beyond my control. I did not give her a second thought all day. I really have moved on.  I asked an attorney. I have not broken any laws. I dont have her keys. She is dead to me.

[bruised]

She has no way of contacting me that I know of without physically showing up at my house.

Hey Split,

have you considered installing a CCTV camera at your front door? Even a dummy camera conspicuously placed might deter her from visiting. If she does knock on your door- open it, point to the camera and close the door again.

I can't believe how many crazy women there are in the world!

All the best.

[letmeout]

I can relate to a smear campaign that never makes any sense. My BPDex did the same thing, he still tells everyone that I did all of the things that he did, and that I was the one acting out in all the awful ways that he did. He really believes in his delusions.

There isn't anything we can do to stop a crazy person from being who they are. You encountered someone insane and you have escaped. Thank your lucky stars. 

[Changingman]

Ah yes... The smear campaign.

Personally I think that you treat it with the respect it deserves. If you fight with a mad person eventually people can't tell who is who. Leave it, move on, work on yourself. I think no contact is about facing whatever happened in the RS by yourself, no distractions, no easy out, what was my contribution, why in hell was I in a situation where I was tuned into my own enemy.

I found out my x was BPD after the end, it was so messed up I knew something was terribly wrong. A smear campaign behind my back at a job I had got her, through helping with her crazy behaviour and an old friend of a friend. I no longer speak to that friend who was shocked and confused by the events. She said in a bemused voice ' I don't think you are a wife beater'!

Wow, I hate bullies and violence, this person has known me for 25 years and still has a hard time understanding what happened.

I realise now my ex wife had it too, we have 2 kids and I really tried to make it work but realised at the end I had too leave, her behaviours were so bad. She smeared me internationally (ha) really high functioning her disorder feeds into her job, no friends though. She'd phone up people and put on voices, pretending to be other people. Everyone knew, it was embarrassing for her really.

A lot of this is based on shaming, refuse to be ashamed, rise above it, laugh it of, pop the scary balloon, don't engage in their madness anymore.

The anger is good, energy for change, put it to good use... . make yourself whole again. Recognise the demons around you, they are everywhere, but you have to engage with them to really feel their darkness.

Good luck

Ps starting to love my midlife crisis, I've earned it. Ha

50 and still fighting.

[The Mrs]

Seriously SB,

Think about Skip's advice. Secure the legal route. This situation seems to be escalating. Document that you don't know where your keys are but are willing to make the effort for her to feel safe.

F' the old/new boy. Insure your safety. For all you know, they could be planning together.

The "key" issue leaves you vulnerable. protect that.

I told her once I threw the keys away. I have thrown them out. They are gone. I want no contact of any kind. It would be a hard case to prove that I ever had them to begin with let alone kept a copy. She can change the locks, her boyfriend can change the locks.

Ive thrown the phone away. She has no way of contacting me that I know of without physically showing up at my house. That would be beyond sanity for her to do and shes never given any indication that she would go that far... . to prove what? Continue a smear campaign? I haven't heard much about it anymore... . whatever gossip is happening is beyond my control.

The part where you said, "... . that's beyond sanity... . " made me chuckle, a sad, bittersweet, heartfelt, been there/done that/thought that/going through it feel your angst and pain chuckle and moan, all at the same time.  

We are all looking at these situations like rational, adult, reasonable, emotionally collected individuals.  Sure, we have our moments of feeling hurt, angry, sad, pissed off, etc., etc. But we don't allow it to distort our thinking and drive our actions and behaviors over the line of reasonable to unreasonable and far, far beyond, into the dangerous, harmful and at times insane.

I finally got up the courage to serve my husband of 25 years with divorce papers, less than 2 weeks ago.  I moved out 8 months ago.  His smear campaign is in full force.  This week he began leaving letters for friends and family letting them know that HIS life was in grave danger, that my divorcing him was a well calculated move, and that with the life insurance policies in play, if anything happened to him, I should be the first person looked at and that more information about me would be forthcoming!

You have no idea what these people are capable of!  I tell you that because we do not think or process in the harmful, hateful, distorted ways that they do.  It truly is sad.  This is a mental illness.  This is my husband and the father of my children and who I spent half my life with.  

[Split black]

Seriously SB,

Think about Skip's advice. Secure the legal route. This situation seems to be escalating. Document that you don't know where your keys are but are willing to make the effort for her to feel safe.

F' the old/new boy. Insure your safety. For all you know, they could be planning together.

The "key" issue leaves you vulnerable. protect that.

I told her once I threw the keys away. I have thrown them out. They are gone. I want no contact of any kind. It would be a hard case to prove that I ever had them to begin with let alone kept a copy. She can change the locks, her boyfriend can change the locks.

Ive thrown the phone away. She has no way of contacting me that I know of without physically showing up at my house. That would be beyond sanity for her to do and shes never given any indication that she would go that far... . to prove what? Continue a smear campaign? I haven't heard much about it anymore... . whatever gossip is happening is beyond my control.

The part where you said, "... . that's beyond sanity... . " made me chuckle, a sad, bittersweet, heartfelt, been there/done that/thought that/going through it feel your angst and pain chuckle and moan, all at the same time.  

We are all looking at these situations like rational, adult, reasonable, emotionally collected individuals.  Sure, we have our moments of feeling hurt, angry, sad, pissed off, etc., etc. But we don't allow it to distort our thinking and drive our actions and behaviors over the line of reasonable to unreasonable and far, far beyond, into the dangerous, harmful and at times insane.

I finally got up the courage to serve my husband of 25 years with divorce papers, less than 2 weeks ago.  I moved out 8 months ago.  His smear campaign is in full force.  This week he began leaving letters for friends and family letting them know that HIS life was in grave danger, that my divorcing him was a well calculated move, and that with the life insurance policies in play, if anything happened to him, I should be the first person looked at and that more information about me would be forthcoming!

You have no idea what these people are capable of!  I tell you that because we do not think or process in the harmful, hateful, distorted ways that they do.  It truly is sad.  This is a mental illness.  This is my husband and the father of my children and who I spent half my life with.  

Im almost ashamed to have felt such anguish until this last episode of hers... . especially when I read about situations like yours... . where you stayed, had kids, and endured a lifetime of bull___. There are times when I think about it and get a little angry, but it passes pretty quickly. Its kind of weird to be able to walk around and actually take a deep breath and be relaxed again.  I admire your courage in leaving. Stay strong... . there is so much to live for and you have taken the steps to make it so. Congrats.

[letmeout]

You have no idea what these people are capable of!  I tell you that because we do not think or process in the harmful, hateful, distorted ways that they do.  It truly is sad.  This is a mental illness.  This is my husband and the father of my children and who I spent half my life with.  

You summed that up very well!

[Split black]

Nothing to report... .   its been about 2 weeks since I saw my exBPDgf. Its been about 10 days since her smear campaign and its been 7 days since she texted "I want my keys asap."  I have responded to nothing. I have not heard anything else in the way of devaluing and lying to other people about me, and of those that were interested I defended myself and believed. I have completely taken all steps to eliminate the possibility of her contamination... I mean contact... . to my knowledge this has been successful.  I know things can change on a dime, but perhaps in her dysregulated mind, the fact that I did not respond to her baiting and smearing triggered her anxiety as to what I might do to retaliate. Or... . more likely she moved on to doing whatever it is shes doing to numb her life into an acceptable existence. So far so good. On a personal note, my feeling of detachment has not wavered. This isnt to say that some ruminations dont creep in, or some sadness, but honestly I simply re-visit her behavior of the past two months and the virus is wiped. Yes... . detachment does lead to freedom.

[letmeout]

No contact leads to continued freedom!

[JohnThorn]

SB, when I read your posts, I see that our relationships emulated each other quite a bit. 

One of the weirdest things my ex did was what she told people about me in my 4 year absence from her life.  I slept with my uBPDex in 2008 (only 2 times)... . we were best friends at the time.  On one of the occasions she was "drunk" (her words, because I don't think she was nearly as blasted as she said)  Either way... . when I Walked out of her life in 2009, I had no concept of personality disorders. When she and I really tried out a relationship in 2013, a lot of her friends, upon discovering she was with me looked at her like "What the heck are you doing?" when they found out about me.  It wasn't until later in our relationship that I found out, she told a legion of people that I raped her.  So, when she was her old rapist's new girlfriend, people didn't know what to make of it.  SHE looked insane to many I'm sure.  And her ex boyfriend (who I later found out wanted to fight me all throughout their relationship - for previously raping his girlfriend) was mystified and devastated when he discovered she left him and was with me.

Don't worry... . she later left me for that guy again, but only for a week.  These BPD people are torture!

[Split black]

SB, when I read your posts, I see that our relationships emulated each other quite a bit. 

One of the weirdest things my ex did was what she told people about me in my 4 year absence from her life.  I slept with my uBPDex in 2008 (only 2 times)... . we were best friends at the time.  On one of the occasions she was "drunk" (her words, because I don't think she was nearly as blasted as she said)  Either way... . when I Walked out of her life in 2009, I had no concept of personality disorders. When she and I really tried out a relationship in 2013, a lot of her friends, upon discovering she was with me looked at her like "What the heck are you doing?" when they found out about me.  It wasn't until later in our relationship that I found out, she told a legion of people that I raped her.  So, when she was her old rapist's new girlfriend, people didn't know what to make of it.  SHE looked insane to many I'm sure.  And her ex boyfriend (who I later found out wanted to fight me all throughout their relationship - for previously raping his girlfriend) was mystified and devastated when he discovered she left him and was with me.

Don't worry... . she later left me for that guy again, but only for a week.  These BPD people are torture!

We must have had the same girl. My stories are equally insane. When I busted her with the last guy she was with before her hooking up with her ex that she hated... . her new ex fu*k apparently climbed up to her outside balcony, entered her apt,forced her up against a wall where he proceeded to hit her and took her cell phone. That was her initial story to me.  Ummmmm no. She was with him all day ( she answered her cell two times that day for a nano-second)  and that night in her bed he discovered she was texting so he wrestled her for the phone and left. The next day after begging him back on FB didnt work she called the police and had a restraining order served. I had no clue she was having a relationship to the extent that it was... . sickening. When she split him back he called me a dozen times for explanations... . I actually felt sorry for him.  It was actually my confronting her with this that led to my permanent blackness.

[Split black]

Newest update as of today:  I recieve a miss call. At around 10:am  THEN... . I receive a text which said ... . " I have a business proposition call me "   THEN I received another text at 12:30 which said " Come on call"   

Of course I didnt respond nor will I ever. I did block her number but its not blocking it... . maybe its an extra cost... . will look into that.

The call and texts were triggering. How crazy is she? She smeared and devalued me to several people, maybe more... and divulged very private intel about our history... . basically portraying me as evil incarnate. Then I get a text... . "I want my keys asap" to which I did not respond a couple, few weeks ago... . now this. The ___ing nerve. Not one single acknowledgement of ANYTHING that occurred, that she did... . nothing. She is NOT retarded. She is high functioning with a good if not great memory... . albeit history re-writer.

" I have a business proposal"  "Come on call" translated means... . Im broke again, bored, in between ex ___s, willing to cheat on my ex now current bf again, I worked my way down my list of ex ___s and no one is getting back to me so maybe there is one ex chump... . ( you )  and I want you to give me money for coke or sex.   Am I reading too much into it?  Do I care? No!  Just pisses me off. Crazy insane boundary busting blame shifting unaccountable b*tch.

[LettingGo14]

I did block her number but its not blocking it... . maybe its an extra cost... . will look into that.

Totally understand how it triggers, and why it hurts, and how she's invading your space.

Have you looked into the phone apps that can block numbers and private callers?   These apps are on iphone and android platforms.

Very pragmatic way to enforce your boundaries.