When everyone thinks I am soo strong and together...

[clljhns]

I am new to this board and am excited (uh, little scared) about doing some more inner work.

Okay. So, here is my conundrum. People that I meet and those that I am close with tell me that I am soo strong and so put together. I feel like a master illusionist! I don't really know what strong and put together are supposed to feel like. Apparently, I know how it looks, so I have a wonderful mask to show the world. When I think of myself, I don't think of myself as weak. I don't know what I think of myself. I think this is the problem. Sometimes when writing about my experiences, I cry, then other times, it is as if I have no feelings at all.

Little background to help put things in perspective.

I am the youngest of 5 children. My oldest sister was emotionally incested by uBPDm. She was mom's confidant and surrogate partner. Yes, we have a father, and he sexually abused us. I have the memories of the abuse, but sisters don't and brother won't talk about it. We grew up in a chaotic home. I really thought that mom had multiple personalities because I never knew who I was going to experience when I came home from school each day. My oldest sister has struggled with depression her entire life and has no real sense of identity. She was the golden child and mom would encourage her to criticize and demean us on a regular basis. When I think about this now, how shaming this must be for her, and how painful it must have been to have felt she had no other choice but to do what mom said. She attempted suicide in early 20's. She was 26 when she married, and mom offered to give her an all-expense paid trip to Europe if she wouldn't get married.   I can't imagine what my sister must have thought inwardly. She only laughed about it outwardly. She kept things very hidden from parents, but would come to my apartment after I married drunk and high. She became a very bitter woman. She ridicules, taunts, and emasculates her husband and emotionally incests her son. She had her son sleeping in the same bed with them until he was 12, that I know of.

Brother was taunted, teased and beaten by mom. Mom told the story that when brother was born, our dad looked at his new son and said, "Looks just like my son-of-a-***** dad." And so this was the energy my poor brother entered this world experiencing. A father who didn't like him and a mother who didn't want him. It's funny, I don't have much to say about my brother. I think he and I tried to hide as much as possible. I was his playmate as none of the other girls would play war or climb trees. Of all of my siblings, he is the one I feel the most disconnected from, even in childhood. He was so lonely. My mom told the story of how she taught him to say "I like you, mama!" when he was angry. So, she would taunt him until he would say this, and she would laugh at him. How cruel can you be? Where does this come from, this need to cause such harm and pain to a person? He was also told to leave when he was 19, by my dad. While I understand that he did need to do something constructive with his life, other than lounging everyday, my parents wanted him out permanently. Once he was married, my mom found a reason to dislike his wife and then that was it. No one was allowed to talk to him! She and my dad made the conditions on which he had to meet before he could be spoken to again. Actually, this was a tactic they instituted since my earliest childhood memories. Parents controlled when we kids could play together, talk, or just be in the same room together. Then other times, my mom would disappear for hours or send us out for hours without ever checking on us.

Middle sister is profoundly mentally retarded. I suspect mom caused brain injury through abuse within the first three months of sisters life. No proof, but mom's incredulous story of how sister received brain injury doesn't make sense. Mom would recount the story of sisters birth since my earliest memory. She states that sister was breech birth and the doctor put both hands inside her to turn sister then crushed her head to pull her out. Mom states that she was told sister was "retarded" by family physician when three months old. Hand no frame of reference for this ridiculous story until I had my own daughter.

Sister 3, was the one mom hated the most. She called her a whore  since she was three years old, and would tell her that she was just like her mother. "Grandma", by the way was a prostitute in New York while raising her own brood of some 15 kids. I call her "grandma" loosely as I had only one face-to-face contact with her when I was three. She was a cruel alcoholic who gave all but one son up for adoption and put my mom in an orphanage of and on again from birth and then would go back and get her. This went on until mom was 9 and was taken in by a woman (M) in another state. Sister to M also took a sibling of mom's. The point of this side-story is to explain the severe projection onto my sister by my mother. No excuses here. My poor sister  was beaten often. When I say beaten, I mean kicked, punched, slapped, and hair pulled. My mom told the story that she and my dad did a vaginal examination of sister when she was 5 because they thought the neighbor's boy had "tampered" with her. REALLY? My father is molesting her and my mom is beating her, and they are worried about a neighbor boy? By the time my sister was 13 she was looking for a way out. She began dating a significantly older man (he was 32). I was absolutely terrified for her. She then quickly began using alcohol and drugs to cope. By age 16, she was so out of control, that I was pulled from my classes on a regular basis by the school principal to go and get my sister out of the school bathroom and take her off campus to get her sober. Funny, no one ever called my parents about this. She attempted suicide that year. Next year she ran away. My brother and I were told by parents to go and get her. Sounds strange, but I didn't want to. I just wanted her to escape, I wanted all the madness to stop! I was angry that I was forced to be her capture and felt like a criminal for doing it. We brought her home. My mom attacked her, both verbally and physically. Called her a no-good whore, a g**-d___** poor excuse as a daughter. She told her to leave.   My sister did eventually run away, but then went through several cycles of returning and leaving.

Me. I don't know. I think that is the problem. I can look at my siblings and access the damage. I just can't seem to do that for me. I remember the molestation. I remember my mom demeaning me, screaming at me, even pulling my hair. I remember mom telling me at 17 that she didn't want any of us. Well, that was not a news-flash!  I think I internalized the shame and pain of my siblings to the point that everything sort of got mixed together and I didn't know how to recognize my own emotions. Or, didn't then. I have come to respect any feeling I am having and ask the question "What am I feeling? What can I do about this? What is causing this?" Most times this helps. But when I start to think about my childhood and my siblings, I am stuck. I know I feel pain, sorrow, grief, anger, and shame when I think of what we all went through. I am NC with whole family, and this grieves me very much, but I just can't take the chance of being abused again by any of them. (They all have their own mental illnesses and have been abusive to me as adults.)

So, my question is, how can I separate this out? I need to grieve for myself too. I have spent my entire life feeling responsible for what happened to my siblings. I am a rescuer/co-dependent. I have worked very hard to put up boundaries, and feel safe and secure with myself. I want to grieve through my lost childhood, so that I don't mistake or misunderstand my own emotions as an adult. Well, biologically an adult. I get that I have arrested development due to the abuse.

It feels so good to have this forum to share this with others who I know get it, have been there, and are also working to get healthy!

[arjay]

... . "So, my question is, how can I separate this out? I need to grieve for myself too... . "

Greetings.  First of all I am not a trained professional, simply an individual that had a marriage to a dBPD.  Her history (as she told it) included abuse of all types and more.  I was her second marriage and it lasted about 6 years including the dating.  I think she honestly realized she was "different" but sadly continued to engage with her mother (sometimes calling mommy when she was scared) and this is in spite of suggesting her mother did little to nothing to protect her from the physical abuse she knew of, and swept under the carpet the sexual abuse that (according to her) was finally discovered by her uncle who went forward only to be banished from their home.

So I don't really know what was true from her story, but I did learn from my own work that generally speaking, abuse begets abuse and dysfunctional families create problems for the kids that continue throughout their lives, unless they are addressed.  My ex went through several very intense PTSD type centers for a week at a time to help her overcome the damage that was done.  Sadly our marriage became a trigger rather than help.  We eventually parted ways.

I spent 2-3 years in counseling dealing with the damage to myself and my life with her, and what I needed to do to improve myself as well.  I found this board very helpful during the healing phase, after I had already over a year with a kind, highly skilled and compassionate professional.  I found that it was nearly impossible for me to see myself to effect change, without having the professional help.  Imagine trying to see 4-dimensional space when we live in 3-dimensions.  It is really hard to do.  I found looking at myself without this type of help to be about as difficult.

Have you considered engaging a trained professional?

[clljhns]

Thanks for your response arjay! Yes. I am seeing a professional. Just started again two weeks ago. It does help tremendously.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi clljhns, I'm sorry to learn of all that you have been through.  I think the concern you have is a common one -- that others will "discover" that inside you are not as strong and put together as you appear on the outside.  I wouldn't be surprised if your close friends and/or family members already know more about that side of you than you may be aware.  So I suggest you start your work with the assumption that your feelings are normal, but require you to work through them with the help of a professional.  Considering all you have been through, you may have issues relating to shame over aspects of your childhood, which perhaps required you to ignore and/or bury your feelings in order to get by.  Now is a good time to start letting those feelings out, I think.  LuckyJim

[clljhns]

Thanks Lucky Jim.

I agree that it is vitally important to get out the buried emotions. I am in round two of therapy. You may be right that others may suspect that I am vulnerable in a lot of areas. I am reminded of several occasions in my life when I cried on the shoulder of a friend, only to be told that they were shocked as they thought I had everything together in my life. I think this only speaks to my ability to keep up an illusion, just as I was taught to do in childhood.


As for feeling shamed about my childhood. I think that it is a taboo subject and most people do not know how to handle such information. When I think about my friends' childhood's, with the exception of one, they all had pretty normal childhoods. No abuse, no gas lighting. It is incredibly hard for people with a "normal" childhood to understand what we here on this site have gone through. Am I ashamed? No. I didn't do anything to be ashamed of. I am sad and angry that I didn't have the same opportunities that I saw my school friends have. I often wonder what my life might have looked like if I had not had these experiences. At yet, at the same time, I can see how these experiences make me who I am. There is a lot about myself that I am learning to love and accept.

Thank you for your words of encouragement and validation. 

[Lucky Jim]

At yet, at the same time, I can see how these experiences make me who I am. There is a lot about myself that I am learning to love and accept.

Well said!  You hit the nail on the head.  Agree that you have nothing to be ashamed of and that it is more about getting over the sadness and anger, which it sounds like you are doing.  Keep up the good work!  LJ

[Ihope2]

Dear Clljhns,

Thank you for sharing your story.  I struggle with the question lately as to why some are made to suffer so much more than others in this life. And why innocent children need to go through so much abuse and neglect. 

All the best for your healing journey and Inner Work. 

[clljhns]

Lucky Jim and Ihope2,

Thank you for your words of encouragement! 

  I struggle with the question lately as to why some are made to suffer so much more than others in this life. And why innocent children need to go through so much abuse and neglect. 

Ihope2, I have struggled with this very question my whole life. I have read many stories and been told some horrific stories by people throughout my life. I am coming to the conclusion that for my soul's growth and purpose, I chose this. I don't know if this makes sense or not, but I also am coming to realize that because of these experiences, I am the person I am today. As bizarre as this may sound, I am grateful on some level for my experiences. Let me explain. I have a belief system that states  I made the choice to come here and even chose the people that would be my FOO. I also believe that these are lessons that I wanted to learn and therefore, I see the value in them. This does not mean that I am not deeply hurt and affected by my childhood experiences. I am. I am back in therapy and wish to reconnect with myself through healing these painful experiences. I have felt disconnected from myself my whole life, and find this a place I no longer wish to be. So, I will go through the fire, as the Phoenix did, and rise from the ashes, having garnered the lessons which will free me from my pain. Sounds corny, to be sure. But this is how I see things today. Tomorrow, I will probably be pissed again about my experiences, but I will continue to hold on to the belief that better days are coming from this.

My hope for everyone who reads this, and for those who don't, that we all find peace and healing in our own loving arms.

[Ihope2]

Clljhns, I think I know what you are saying when you write"I have a belief system that states  I made the choice to come here and even chose the people that would be my FOO. I also believe that these are lessons that I wanted to learn and therefore, I see the value in them".

This would make sense, that the soul is constantly on a journey to "refine" itself and to join up with the Divine Creator of everything.  Perhaps this life is but one of many that the soul passes through on this journey to finally merge with the Divine.  And in each reincarnation, we get faced with the same things we need to resolve, over and over, until the awakening happens.

I understand in this context how suffering is then temporary and shortlived in the broader scheme of things. And that nobody has more or less than the other.  It just depends on what incarnation we are looking at.

I do find a lot of encouragement in the more Eastern Philosophies.  It is very difficult to get my mindset to go there though, as I was born and raised in a totally different belief system.

I had this overwhelming sense that I was destined to meet my almost exBPDh, at the time of meeting and marrying him, I was obviously in a state of euphoria and I thought that my soulmate had been sent to me at last!  Now, I still have that sense that we were destined to meet, but he was sent as a "teacher" to me to bring me a very important lesson on my soul's journey.  As were the other people in my life who brought me pain and discomfort. As were my parents, mother, father and stepfather.  As was my brother, who has completely cut himself off from the rest of our family for over a decade now. As was my sister sent to accompany me in this life to act as a co-learner and healer, and I was sent to her for the same purpose... .

Thank you for the food for thought here! 

[clljhns]

Ihope2,

Yes. I agree with a lot of Eastern philosophies, too. That is why I know on a soul level that I made this choice. I have to admit that on a human level it makes me angry at times when I think about what my parents did to me and my siblings. But I realize if I made the choice, then I have the power, not them.

This is what keeps me going. Knowing that while I did experience some terrible things, these were part of the lessons. I like to think about it like a really big test, like the ones I have taken for college admission, or my exit test when I completed my degree. They were long and grueling tests that gave me a terrific headache and were completely uncomfortable, as I had to sit for three hours while taking the test. So, that test is over. Next exam is to learn how to heal the wounds.

I am working with a therapist that is actually someone who has the same belief system as me. The first few sessions have really focused on getting to know each other and coming up with a plan for me. One of the things that I have talked with him about is learning to heal myself. I am not looking for someone else to do this, as I know that I came here with all the tools to accomplish this task. He agrees. I have read many books about reincarnation and healing the self. I don't know if you have read any of the Seth books by Jane Roberts, but I recommend them highly. I would also recommend Dr. Michael Newton. He is a psychologist who studied reincarnation for many years and has written several books about this experience.

I had this overwhelming sense that I was destined to meet my almost exBPDh, at the time of meeting and marrying him, I was obviously in a state of euphoria and I thought that my soulmate had been sent to me at last!  Now, I still have that sense that we were destined to meet, but he was sent as a "teacher" to me to bring me a very important lesson on my soul's journey.  As were the other people in my life who brought me pain and discomfort. As were my parents, mother, father and stepfather.  As was my brother, who has completely cut himself off from the rest of our family for over a decade now. As was my sister sent to accompany me in this life to act as a co-learner and healer, and I was sent to her for the same purpose... .

I really liked what you said here. I agree  with everything! We are all teachers and students on this journey!

Peace and blessings 

[lucyhoneychurch]

While I can't say that I chose my FOO... . I might've chosen a slightly less chaotic and abusive one and I am laughing when I say/type that ... . I believe we might as well face what IS, work within our capablilities and coping skills and just remember tomorrow is bound to turn up - it always has.

Some of my dearest friends over the years once they learn I didn't have a rosy sweet upbringing will ask, So then how did YOU turn out so well?

But they don't see me lying awake at night or waking from a nightmare as an adult female shaking and trying to breathe or when I glance someone on a street who is the spitting image of my late mother and just want to melt into nothing - complex PTSD is a keeper, I guess we could say.  :'(

They mean well, and they are on the outside looking in.

What they might mean, too, is that I am strong for other people. My friends have always known I am solid as far as someone they can ask for help or run to.

I live the flip side of the chaos, with every bill and expense met long before it's due. My house and yard are anally obsessively just "so." I limit new friendships because you know... . I just don't trust unknown people anymore.

So what might seem like a pretty pulled together human being is just someone trying to fly under the radar.

My sanctuary is my garden, sleep, warm woodstove in winter, cool downstairs in summer, my children and their kids now... . it's not a big list of what I need but I am so so blessed that these tangible touchstones exist for me. They didn't when I needed them most growing up.

Your history just feels like a slap in my face - having a rather crummy one of my own, it's always heartrending to know another cluster of children was treated like vermin and hated by the very ones who birthed them.

Hope you are finding your way in the journey each day a little better.    thank you for sharing.

[clljhns]

Hi lucyhoneychurch,

So then how did YOU turn out so well?

Yep. Been asked this. I was even asked this by therapist. The only answer that make sense to me and feels like the right answer is that I chose not to be crazy! It took a lot of work on my part to notice behaviors that just didn't seem "normal" or would at the very least make people raise their eyebrows. Not having a healthy role model, I looked to others that seemed to have healthy behaviors and would incorporate those behaviors into my schema. Have you ever done this?

So what might seem like a pretty pulled together human being is just someone trying to fly under the radar

Been doing this my whole life, hoping that I won't be noticed. Kind of hard to accomplish in a job that requires you to come into contact with a lot of people on a daily basis. I was absolutely terrified that someone would see beneath my thin veneer and see the scars. I think what people actually saw was a very distant person with a huge wall. I have been told that I act like a b___ by several people. What they don't realize is that I was in hiding and very awkward socially, so I didn't know how to engage people. Thankfully, I have moved past this and can mingle in a large crowd without anxiety. I moved 1400 miles away from my home and am working in an area that I know nothing about with people that are new to me. Rather exciting, actually.

[quoteMy sanctuary is my garden, sleep, warm woodstove in winter, cool downstairs in summer, my children and their kids now... . it's not a big list of what I need but I am so so blessed that these tangible touchstones exist for me. They didn't when I needed them most growing up.

][/quote]
I smiled when I read this. I too find those simple pleasures in life that give me comfort and enjoyment.

Thank you so much for your response.