exBPD is back

[cron65]

HI... my ex pbd wants to see me this weekend. I have been nc for a while now... she keeps texting and emailing me. Can any give me some advice on what to do please/ I would like to see her but I am a little cautious now. Can any BPDs respond as well and tell me why she wants to see me?

[winston72]

How was your therapy appointment yesterday? 

What do you want to do?  Have you made a decision to end the relationship?  You say that you would like to see her.  Would you please tell us why you would like to see her.  When she requested to see you, did she tell you why she wants to meet?

[GuiltHaunted]

... . tell me why she wants to see me?

No one on this board is a mindreader. The question should rather be if you want to see her? And in that case, what do you hope to accomplish?

[cron65]

My therapy was ok. I am looking for someone to relate to... someone who knows her and can talk abot her with me. I am looking for some sort of validation and it is not coming fast enough.

As far as what I want from her... . I won't lie to you. I miss her and still love her but I am scared about seeing her. I am scared about dropping my guard. I have been so isolated lately that I fear breaking down down in front of her... I need to be strong... can't appear pathetic. I am so unsure of my emotions lately that I fear losing control.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey cron65, It's typical for a pwBPD to get back in touch, due to their fear of abandonment, so I'm unsurprised that you heard from her.  Agree with Winston and Guilthaunted: the question is whether you really want to see her, and it seems like the answer is Yes.  If so, tread carefully, my friend, before you rush into anything, as it seems like you are in a fragile condition.  Lucky Jim

[winston72]

Cron, if you are not ready to see her, then do not see her.

Your post says that you miss her and still love her and you are scared of seeing her.  But, what do you want right now?  Do you want to restore a relationship with her?  Do you want to end it?  Are you undecided? 

[cron65]

I am angry at her... but I'll be honest with you... I want to hold her and then make love to her... that's about it... . sad eh?

[winston72]

Very understandable, Cron.  Very understandable. And no need to make a value judgment of your feelings.

Perhaps a helpful focus for you would be your own feelings. You continue to describe your diverse emotions, not your intentions.  It took me a long time to inventory and sort out what I was really feeling... . because there were a lot of feelings and they were very diverse... . from anger and hate to love and affection. 

Going into a meeting with a jumble of strong, conflicting emotions and no clear idea what you want to do with your future or the relationship is not wise.  You are not likely to sort out your feelings through meeting with her. 

You might spend some time with the first three steps on the stages of detachment.  Frankly, the first three steps are just basic mental health principles in any circumstance.  What are you feeling?  Why?  What do they mean? What do you want to do with them?  Understanding these parts of your life are more important than meeting with her right now.

[cron65]

Thank you... . it's hard for me... why... because this relat was defin. one of co-dependency... I know this

[BacknthSaddle]

There is absolutely no reason to put a value judgment on your feelings.  Many, many people on these boards have been in this same place.  If I had to guess, though, I think that many people reading this thread have the instinct that this will end badly, and I suspect you've posted here because you have this suspicion as well.

There is a lot of data on adolescents and risk-taking.  Everyone knows that adolescents are more prone to take risks than the rest of us, and most of us assume this is because they believe that they believe themselves to be "invincible," that no bad can come to them.  It turns out that this is largely false, that adolescents take risks not because they underestimate the negative consequence of their actions, but rather because they overestimate the rewards.  I think this is true of may of us who attracted to people with BPD as well.  You haven't told us much about your relationship, but if you are here, it's fair to assume you know what the risks are: weeks if not months of ruminating about the relationship and your failings, shame, recrimination, self-doubt, self-loathing, and pain.  The reward is good sex and a transient feeling of comfort.  Before you make your decision, ask yourself if you believe that the rewards are worth the risks.  And then, ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship with someone with whom you have to make these kinds of risk calculations. 

I think what many of us who are attracted to people with BPD don't realize is that, beyond the very beginning (first approach, first date, first time having sex), healthy relationships don't feel risky.   Relationships with people with BPDs almost always feel risky.  Indeed, this is probably a red flag to which we should all be attuned.