Months of progress down the tubes in one week of ruminations

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

7+ months out of the relationship (NC all the way) I am cruising along.  I've done lots of work on myself through therapy concerning my codependency issues and have truly become a different person.  Its been a life changing thing for me.  

Then all of the sudden on Easter Weekend... . Bam.  This was the weekend that she cheated on me (religious hypocrite) and it has triggered me horribly.  I have only tried to find out what was going on in her life once since the breakup and it was months ago. Of course I screwed up and did it again last night.  I have been blocked since we started dating on FB   I never used it so no big deal.  I am still blocked.  It then occurred to me that her blocking me keeps her from viewing my FB.  No big deal because I don't post much but it truly hurt me knowing that she never has even attempted one time to see what I was up to in life.  Its not like I would ever consider even being friends with her again but it really hurts that she could just move on without a thought.  :)etaching is so freaking hard.  Months of progress down the tubes in one week of ruminations. I thought I was past all of this.  Ugh... .

[Waifed]

7+ months out of the relationship (NC all the way) I am cruising along.  I've done lots of work on myself through therapy concerning my codependency issues and have truly become a different person.  Its been a life changing thing for me.  

Then all of the sudden on Easter Weekend... . Bam.  This was the weekend that she cheated on me (religious hypocrite) and it has triggered me horribly.  I have only tried to find out what was going on in her life once since the breakup and it was months ago. Of course I screwed up and did it again last night.  I have been blocked since we started dating on FB   I never used it so no big deal.  I am still blocked.  It then occurred to me that her blocking me keeps her from viewing my FB.  No big deal because I don't post much but it truly hurt me knowing that she never has even attempted one time to see what I was up to in life.  Its not like I would ever consider even being friends with her again but it really hurts that she could just move on without a thought.  :)etaching is so freaking hard.  Months of progress down the tubes in one week of ruminations. I thought I was past all of this.  Ugh... .

[Fool for Love]

Doesn't matter if she is looking at your FB ... As long as you are not digging ... The one thing I have learned ... Is when you are digging ... The info you find will hurt you more then anything she will find out about you . I set all my stuff to friends only ... and blocked her name ... Even if she has a fake account she still can't see what I am up to . Please have the will power to NOT dig .You will not find diamonds or gold , you will find ___ because all that they do is put ___ out there to hurt you !

[Waifed]

Thanks.  I have been so good about just moving on.  I don't know how many times I have read post about people looking at exes FB and just shook my head and thought "why would someone hurt themselves by looking"?  I guess it was just my turn.  It is just so hard to grasp that a person you were so close to for so long could be mentally ill. It is so clear now that she is by looking back at all the crazy stuff I put up with.  I also recently started dating and realized that I am still not ready to date after 7 months!  How crazy is that? My ex is not worth all of the energy I have wasted trying to heal.  I don't want her back, don't really ever want to see or speak to her again, yet I want her to at least think about me.  It is my ego that is bruised and that along with the trauma bond is what is keeping me from totally detaching and closing the door on this chapter of my life.

[Fool for Love]

It's not your ego ... It's the love you felt for a person . What makes us different , it is GOOD that you don't understand just like I do ... . it should show you that the person that we are or where in love with is not right . I don't know about mental illness I am not a doctor . I know that reading this board and the experts that come on here have showed me that the person I love is not in the same mental place that I am when it comes to love and caring for someone. You might be hurt , you might cry for the loss , you might even feel that you are messed up in the head ... But remember ... Since you feel that way ... You are the one that is way more healthy then they are I am like you , I can't picture myself loving the leaving and with a very short time be with someone else and bragging how they "love" this other person ... You know why ? Because we are healthy in our mind when it comes to other people and feeling ... Not saying we don't need a little work or help

[Waifed]

I don't want to scare anyone who is early on in this process of recovery.  Although I am feeling pain over this it is more acute than anything.  I am already starting to feel a little better.  It is nothing like I experienced when I first ended the relationship.  I was barely able to function at that point and thought about her 24/7.  Nowadays I am fully functional and "normal" most of the time.  Today with the pain I am still fully functional and capable of laughing and joking with others.  That sinking feeling in my stomach just came back for the first time in several months.  It is going away already though.  I didn't think I would ever experience that again over her. 

It is just laughable thinking about all of the wasted time and energy I have spent over this.  The good thing is it forced me into therapy which has been so life changing.  In just 7 months I have transformed into this person who is no longer a pushover (too nice), no longer procrastinates,  and has become proactive and more confident in myself. I look in the mirror today and see "pretty" and that is without the false mask of "self confidence" I carried for so many years.  So for those of you that are beginning the journey please don't fret.  Life is good and gets better as every day passes.  The occasional bump in the road is to be expected.  Work on yourself and keep plugging away at it.

[seeking balance]

I don't want to scare anyone who is early on in this process of recovery.  Although I am feeling pain over this it is more acute than anything.  I am already starting to feel a little better.  It is nothing like I experienced when I first ended the relationship.  I was barely able to function at that point and thought about her 24/7.  Nowadays I am fully functional and "normal" most of the time.  Today with the pain I am still fully functional and capable of laughing and joking with others.  That sinking feeling in my stomach just came back for the first time in several months.  It is going away already though.  I didn't think I would ever experience that again over her. 

It is just laughable thinking about all of the wasted time and energy I have spent over this.  The good thing is it forced me into therapy which has been so life changing.  In just 7 months I have transformed into this person who is no longer a pushover (too nice), no longer procrastinates,  and has become proactive and more confident in myself. I look in the mirror today and see "pretty" and that is without the false mask of "self confidence" I carried for so many years.  So for those of you that are beginning the journey please don't fret.  Life is good and gets better as every day passes.  The occasional bump in the road is to be expected.  Work on yourself and keep plugging away at it.

Grief comes in waves and cycles - it is not a "one and done" kinda thing.  BUT, when we stay diligent and disciplined to our own recovery, the pain cycles are quicker as I highlighted on your post.

We are human - sometimes things happen and we feel deeply, it is the process of going through the emotions rather than not that helps us recover.

Thanks for sharing,

SB

[HostNoMore]

Waifed,

I went through the same thing at 7 months out myself.  Like SB said it comes and goes in waves.  The good thing is that over time those waves will get weaker and weaker as you heal.

Eventually, you'll reach a point where you are truly neutral, and you just accept them as the toxic disordered people that they sadly are.

[Turkish]

I also recently started dating and realized that I am still not ready to date after 7 months!

Waifed, it's a start, and it shows how long you've come that you got to this point to get out there and look. 

You don't know where you are until you get there, no?

[Clearmind]

Always come back to the skills you learnt in therapy.

[Waifed]

Thanks for all the replies... .

@SB Thanks.  I always enjoy reading you posts.  You make us think and keep us on even keel.

@HostNoMore - I can see neutral on the horizon but one thing that concerns me is something I read about trauma bonding.  It basically said that you will never be over a trauma "host" unless you are specifically counseled on it.  My therapist has pretty much discounted the trauma bond thing but I really think that it is still an issue.  I will not be healed until I can see her in public and be totally indifferent.  

@Turkish - Thanks.  I am proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone.  The couple of times that I have done it have left me ruminating about her and the "good times".  It's a damn shame I don't ruminate about the bad times   I had a weekend date over Easter Holiday and it was fun even though there was no connection on my part.  I'm still not quite there but getting closer.  Until then I will remain asexual

@Clearmind - I cannot say enough about therapy.  I have spent many sessions in tears reliving my childhood.  It has been painful but liberating. It has changed my life for the better.  I am at peace with so many things now.  Some I wasn't even aware of... .   And you are right, my therapist told me to stay away from Facebook and never open the door if she shows up at your doorstep.  Fail on #1 and I think I have weathered the storm on #2... .

[HostNoMore]

Waifed,

Very interesting point on trauma bonding and seeing them.  I'm a little over 2.5 years out at this point.

Mined tried to re-engage me on Valentine's Day about 4 months out of the relationship.  I actually met her as a test for myself whereupon she threw everything at me but the kitchen sink to get me to cheat with her on my replacement.  I saw her once again in a restaurant about a month later.  Thanks to the folks on this board giving me the knowledge I was able to make it through those experiences fairly well as I was detached from her as far as my romantic feelings, and she failed to re-engage me.  Basically, I knew what I was dealing with at that point.  I did, however, have ruminations and other emotionally draining thoughts in ever decreasing frequency for about 18 months post relationship.

Now, last November(a little over 2 years out and 1.5 years from last prior contact) she sent a FB message to me which I ignored for a couple of weeks on purpose and responded as it was concerning something for her kids whom I adored.  I delayed answering on purpose to take the control away from her.  I don't think she liked it, but I don't care.

Now, just that message did trigger me though.  My feelings were of pure disgust and not of any longing to be with her.  I guess stepping in dog poop barefooted would be a good analogy.   Luckily, she moved just far enough away that I don't have to worry about seeing her.  However, we both have family members in our respective areas of residence.  I also occasionally run into her sister who is very friendly to me and always gives me extra service perks at her place of employment.  Her sister knows something is wrong with my ex based on post breakup conversations, but I keep my mouth shut about my opinions.

If I were to run into her, I would be very polite but would gracefully extract myself from her presence as quickly as possible.  I'm neutral in that I don't care about who she's with, what she's doing and never think about her.  What she did to me has left its mark on me much like touching a hot stove would though. 

[Waifed]

That's very interesting to hear. It's strange that she has contacted you so many months apart. I understand about remembering how horribly they treat you. I still have occasional thoughts of slashing her tires!  She isn't worth getting in trouble over though!

I'm pretty sure I won't hear from my ex because she called the cops on me after I mentioned BPD to her.  I understand the lasting memories of being treated so poorly. That was our last conversation an it has been almost 8 months since. She also has very good impulse control. Never say never I guess. My fear is seeing her in public. We live in a big city but only a few miles apart. My brother has seen her shopping at my grocery store. I am pretty certain if I saw her in public she would try to reengage in some for or fashion. I want to be totally indifferent if/when it happens bu the trauma bond thing worries me.

[willy45]

Hey Dude,

Take it easy on yourself. She cheated on you on Easter. It was Easter. That was probably an insanely traumatic thing to deal with last year. And it is Easter again so all the trigger points are there. Don't feel bad about doing so well and then having this happen. This person DOESN'T deserve your time or affections. But you do deserve to process things. And that's fine. Take as long as you need. Maybe you can get angry at what she did? That might help. It isn't something horrible inside of you that is making you feel bad. You feel bad because you were incredibly hurt at the same last year and stupid stuff like bunny rabbits and chocolate bring it all back. That's NORMAL. You'll be back on track in no time.

[Waifed]

Thanks Willy

It's the deception and the fact that I was oblivious to what she was doing that hurts so much. It's really not about me but I have to keep reminding myself of that. I was a prize to her and she blew it  I am doing much much better again today.