I'm having trouble staying no contact...

[Banshee]

I'm having trouble staying no contact... I don't call just text... I've made it 10 days and broke down on Easter .It's never good when I do this... NEVER.Not having Self control is really getting to me it seems so easy... then BAM!

How long have you been NC?

Any tips that help you stick with it?

Has your ex ever broke NC and how far along was it?

Any information would be greatly appreciated... . thank you  

[12BarBlues]

Banshee - The times when you just can't take it and have to reach out are a normal part of the detachment. I had to accept that sometimes I had a weak moment and would initiate contact and sometimes it would also come from her at the worst times. It's just a setback. NC is a hard thing to do when trying to detach.  Ask yourself what are your reasons for wanting to do it? Is it for your own self-preservation? Your own sanity? When you focus on why you no longer need this person in your life it helps to put that phone down or delete that message, take it one day at a time. Setting small goals for yourself may help. "I will stay in NC for 3 days, 5 days, 30 days" etc. Holidays tend to bring out the sentimentalist in all of us especially if the relationship lasted a year or more. Two years later my EXGF will STILL send a text out of the blue... . delete, ignore, and keep your waters calm. This is a process and not an overnight project. 

[Banshee]

12barblues,

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond! I feel if I say why I want contact I'll be ripped apart...

I seem to obsess over getting this contact and having that one exceptional one liner that will floor him and have him realize how bad he messed up and he's finally lost me. I know this is selfish... after the one liner I would go strictly no contact (this is what my mind says) from that point on.If it was months before he text me I would have to answer only because I've threatened to change my number and or block him (for me bc he's not doing the contact)... I want him to know I wasn't that weak.

I'm probably going about this all wrong... it has been 10 months total for us and I feel it's the only way I'll get some dignity back. I'm on day 3 now and it seems forever away just to get back up to the 10 I once had.

Being here has helped but I have to admit I get jealous of contact that seems most get... I have to do this ... I can do this... thank you

[Lamaiel]

I have had many emotional urges to reach out to the ex, almost cravings if you will.  Luckily these urges seems to pass within a short period of time.  I would attempt to resist the urge and let the feeling pass... . it will.

I've also learned this communication never leaves me any better off than I was previously... .

[Sam027]

Hi Banshee

I am new to this site but what I can say is. Don't beat yourself up or be hard on yourself I went nearly 3 months NC and then suddenly bam I text her. To be told not interested you hurt me and you are selfish, horrible, the worst language you can imagine etc etc.

I am still blaming myself for it all although my head is coming round to the truth.

I have realised that me breaking NC was meant to be. It helped me find this wonderful site, it pushed me to really think about it all rather than block it out. It's not easy i know. But take the positive out of it and know that each day is a new goal reached.

Remember you have been involved with someone with a serious mental illness that is going to leave wounds that take time to heal. Some longer than others. Be strong and don't be hard on yourself. Set mini goals as has been said. I go running and am in training for a 10k I look at it the same way. Mini goals big rewards.

Much love

[12BarBlues]

I feel if I say why I want contact I'll be ripped apart...

I seem to obsess over getting this contact and having that one exceptional one liner that will floor him and have him realize how bad he messed up and he's finally lost me.

No ripping on this site and what you feel is what I experienced as well. If I had one really smarta$$ thing to say to her and then drop off the planet, I would have too. But then I realized that it was only keeping me attached to even entertain the notion. It's hard when you look at your phone 200 times a day in case you missed a text or a call. I think we have all been there at times during NC. Blocking in all social media or changing numbers may help, but the cravings won't go away that quickly. Keep focused on how you want to live your new life and be thankful that you have a new awareness of his tricks. 

[Banshee]

Thank you ... I seem so far behind ya'll (I'm from the south ).

It's been 2 months... I haven't left the house- put on any make up or fixed my hair. I shower and back in pajamas... I'm sick with myself

I'm determined I wll not let the month of  May be like this .Thank you Sam and Lamiel you have no idea how much your words mean to me 

[BacknthSaddle]

I seem to obsess over getting this contact and having that one exceptional one liner that will floor him and have him realize how bad he messed up and he's finally lost me.

Allow me to tell a quick story.  A couple weeks ago, after a couple of weeks of NC, I decided to reach out to my ex.  I felt like I was regaining strength and I just wanted to "know how she was doing."  I also figured that I was sufficiently detached that, although in the past when I'd reached out she had hurt me, there was really nothing she could say in this case that could mess me up emotionally.

Me: "How are you doing?"

Her: "I'm okay.  I was just thinking of you."

LITERALLY the one thing that could have messed me up.  Of course that interaction died, I ruminated for days, then ultimately we talked on the phone and she made me feel like ___.  My point is that it is much more likely that your ex will have the one thing ready to mess you up than that you will say the magic thing that will make him realize anything.  

I will say, though, like other people, that in a way I benefited from (or at least learned from) breaking NC.  It was so comical to me that she could find something so perfect to confuse and upset me, I just sort of realized this is the way it would always go.  After I went NC again, she texted me once requesting something from me that I did not respond to.  This reminded me how she only reaches out when she needs me to fulfill her needs. With these two realizations, I have found it much easier (although not easy) to move forward.

Finally, I want to echo the sentiment not to beat yourself up.  These relationships are analogous to addictions, and like with addictions, relapse, although to be avoided, is nonetheless inevitable early on.  We just have to learn from our relapses if and when they occur.  

[GuiltHaunted]

I've been NC 2 times.

First time she initiated and was dedicated to keeping it, as I didn't expect she would reverse her decision. 1 1/2 months later, she wrote me a text.

Contact resumed for another 2-3 months (friendly conversation only). Then I initiated NC and told her to never to write me again. 4 months so far, and I don't expect to hear from her again this time.

Do you ask because you secretly hope for contact? It's not shame, I do as well... .

I recognize all too well not doing anything. But don't beat yourself up. At some point you will be sick of not doing anything, and you will pull your self out. Let time work for you... .

[Sam027]

It's so true and incredible when you realise how common the themes and the journeys are.

You are very welcome Banshee. Like I say I am very new to this site and its still very early days for me but I am training my mind to be positive and focus on everything good in my life. Which when you think about it is loads and I have realised that I neglected a lot of these things whilst in the r/s.

I use the time I want to break NC or feel sad or down about it all to reach out to those good things in my life.

Yes it would be great to be able to floor your ex with a one liner wouldn't it. But you know what they say the best revenge is living well.

Keep strong your doing better than you think.

[Banshee]

You all are the best ... . really... YES I want him to contact me... he hasn't initiated any contact in over a month.

He will answer most of texts with short flat answers...

He's constantly saying...

"can't you be nice?"

"your being mean to me"

When I texted and poured my heart out and was nice... said I'll give you space and time ... I love you and you know this.

He responded... . going to bed I'm tired worked all day.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? (said to myself)


I asked him why he didn't respond to "nice" and that was hurtful.

He said FOR WHAT ? because I'm tired?

THIS IS WHERE I LOSE IT! I don't understand the BPD language of Bull$... t. I said some choice words (this is when I feel unstable when I react ... (I'll actually be shaking as I'm texting}

He comes back and says ...

you should be ashamed of yourself calling me names

I don't know what to say to some things you say. (he's talking about the NICE text)

I said he was being an a$$... but to him its calling him names... grrrr anyway that was the last contact.

His birthday is Sunday and looking forward to it passing right on by... I know he expects a text... he won't get one from me.

I swear sometimes It makes you want to sit in the corner and blow spit bubbles you feel that out of it at times 

[Banshee]

Will45 I can't seem to pull up anyone's past posts ... it says

An Error Has Occurred!

Many apologies, but you can't view just any profile.

[Lamaiel]

Banshee I think you may need to hit 10 posts before you get that capability!

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hey Banshee, I'm from the south

I can so relate to what you are going through.  I guess as far as the site goes I'm an "oldster", meaning I have been recycled and broken NC on several occasions, thing is? I was getting the silent treatment and it was me breaking my own rules and the pwBPD didn't know it 

This time though, I'm keeping my promise to myself because nothing good will come of breaking NC and I'll feel badly about myself, and the pwBPDxgf will silently gloat and think she is back in control.  Well? The hellion in me just can't let that happen this time!

After the first milestone (I set 5 days first goal, then 5 more and so forth) I really started getting the wind back in my sails, I even held my own on Easter, and for me that was huge! I got a mani/pedi today as a reward, .  Sounds silly but it's working for me, the focus is on me.  I hope you will forgive yourself, be compassionate to yourself, this is hard hard stuff, and it sucks! 

Just come here, let us pull you through the urges

(())

CiF

[Banshee]

You know you've been in a dark sad place alone when you cry :'( after each and every response.

I would sit in the bed and read on my phone before I was a member to the point of headaches... Finally pulled the lapt top out and dusted it off and joined...

Funny thing is I haven't looked at my phone the first time since I joined... I do growl and snarl when I get the bank text ... I so hate that ! ((vibrate)) I peek down ... hmmm could it be? NOPE bank text... yes I know I'm broke stop texting me! 

Thanks ya'll

[Cardinals in Flight]

I have absolutely read through tears, typed through tears too.  Once you block their number on your phone? You kinda have this sigh of relief because you know any pings will not be them, it really really lowers the anxiety level.  But? You do that when you are ready, in your own time, we are all different!  Detaching and moving on takes as long as it takes, not one size fits all!

CiF

[Banshee]

Cardinals in Flight--YES I have blocked once but panicked and unblocked him!

I'm not ready to block yet... I wished I was ... I think I will be able to when I finally get the upperhand (whatever that it)... which doesn't look like anytime soon.

GAH! I do all kinds of strange things trying to make him icky! from his skinny frame to the way he holds his fork while cutting steak... .

[Cardinals in Flight]

Cardinals in Flight--YES I have blocked once but panicked and unblocked him!

I'm not ready to block yet... I wished I was ... I think I will be able to when I finally get the upperhand (whatever that it)... which doesn't look like anytime soon.

GAH! I do all kinds of strange things trying to make him icky! from his skinny frame to the way he holds his fork while cutting steak... .

I did that too! Got worried something bad would happen and she would need me, gaaaaa

[Sam027]

 I can definitely relate to the blocking the number. It's a strange thing isn't it as you know it's for the best but somehow their seems to be too many reasons not to.

For me I want the text so I can say to myself ha I don't have to reply. But then I think well what does it matter if I see she has text or not as if I don't reply it is the same outcome. If that makes sense.

You will get there in the end like I say deep wounds and emotional pain take a long time. I read on here that a good way is to stop saying her/him and start thinking in the I. So for example I want this, I don't want to be subjected to this or that etc etc. it takes the focus away from the ex and life starts becoming about you. I am reminding myself of that everyday.

[seeking balance]

Banshee,

What is it about NC that you really, really want - I mean the deep down motivation for doing it?

SB

[Banshee]

For me I want the text so I can say to myself ha I don't have to reply. But then I think well what does it matter if I see she has text or not as if I don't reply it is the same outcome. If that makes sense.

That makes so much sense YES! I'm afraid he will think I changed my number or blocked him so I've got one word responses waiting so he will know differently... like

How are you?... . huh?

you okay?... who?

My favorite would be if it becomes a month and he text hey... I would say who is this?

haha... then go silent no matter what he says... honestly I'll be glad to move past the spiteful stage and just see it for what it is... a mess... a big ole stanking mess!

[Banshee]

What is it about NC that you really, really want - I mean the deep down motivation for doing it?

I feel he holds my dignity I carelessly gave to him... I want it back through the same pathetic  actions I gave it to him... how sad am I?  :'(

[seeking balance]

What is it about NC that you really, really want - I mean the deep down motivation for doing it?

I feel he holds my dignity I carelessly gave to him... I want it back through the same pathetic  actions I gave it to him... how sad am I?  :'(

Help me understand this a bit more - are you equating NC to keeping your dignity?

[Sam027]

Yes definitely I have the same thoughts of responding with "sorry who is this". It's an overwhelming desire to prove I have forgotten her and moved on without a second thought. Like you say dignity - as you feel they have stripped you of that. I totally get it.

I am pretty sure I will overcome this though and I feel it's only fair to myself to do that in my own time. There are so many issues left that we can't deal with them all at once so I deal with the ones I can as and when I can.

I guarantee at some point you will be saying I don't have that need or desire anymore and I know I can't wait to get to that stage. But one step at a time and small pigeon steps. Rome wasn't built in a day but by gosh wasn't it fantastic when it was built.

[Banshee]

I'm not sure ... I feel revengeful, like I can't let it go like this... I feel ashamed I was the only one to put effort in the relationship ,then the only one to try to save it... I feel like him coming to me would show I actually existed. I can't seem to explain any other way.I hope that makes sense?

[Cardinals in Flight]

You want to be acknowledged, seen and or heard!  I totally get that!  But sadly, it is unlikely as you will see here.  We had no real adult relationship closure, it feels icky and ugly the way it ended, is that it?

[Sam027]

Makes total sense.

The thing is as we know a lot of the illness to our ex's is about self preservation and not accepting responsibility and blanking out the past. I realise that my ex doesn't give me a second thought. Difficult to come to terms with that.

What I think I need to work on is validating myself and not my ex. It's hard because to us it was an important r/s to which we put in a lot of love, care and dreams. It doesn't mean they weren't valid but not to our ex's I'm afraid.

Those are good things to know about yourself though.

I hope I'm not rambling I live in England and its getting late now

[Banshee]

It feels like I was dumped out on a long dark road in the middle of nowhere... No matter how much I beg ,plead ,get angry threaten he won't help me back to a safe place ... he won't even admit to dropping me off there in the first place.

I'm doing all I can to get there on my own but its hard and confusing as if I was blindfolded before the long drive.

Sometimes I don't think my words make sense... they kinda come out jumbled...

[Banshee]

I hope I'm not rambling I live in England and its getting late now

That seems to be a much better place to start a new than Alabama! ... it's 7 pm here... Ive been posting most of the day... but haven't really been concerned with that phone... so that's good... Hope you have a nice night Sam take care 

[Sam027]

Lol it rains a lot!

I totally relate to the being dumped like that. Like an old toy that she is now bored of.

But I know why that is I don't validate her anymore or give her the supply she needs. I have begged and pleaded too don't feel bad about that its a natural reaction.

Just remember you are a decent person and you wanted it to work. You loved your ex and cared about him.

Remember those qualities you have and use them to positively influence you, sadly your ex does not deserve those from you. If my ex had got help like I kept asking then different story but whilst they deny that for themselves things will never be any different.

My bed is calling me now. Keep strong take care of yourself. I will be back tomorrow this site is so helpful.