I'm having trouble staying no contact...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It feels like I was dumped out on a long dark road in the middle of nowhere... No matter how much I beg ,plead ,get angry threaten he won't help me back to a safe place ... he won't even admit to dropping me off there in the first place.

I'm doing all I can to get there on my own but its hard and confusing as if I was blindfolded before the long drive.

Sometimes I don't think my words make sense... they kinda come out jumbled...

It's ok to feel that way - very descriptive of how most of us felt when we first came here... . myself included.

But, let's stay on topic 

What does this have to do with NC - unless you know why you want to go NC, there is no amount of "tips" that can help you - you will have to help you.  And the thing is, you are more strong than you know - it just doesn't feel that way right now.

So, back to the question I asked - why do you want to go NC?

[seeking balance]

It feels like I was dumped out on a long dark road in the middle of nowhere... No matter how much I beg ,plead ,get angry threaten he won't help me back to a safe place ... he won't even admit to dropping me off there in the first place.

I'm doing all I can to get there on my own but its hard and confusing as if I was blindfolded before the long drive.

Sometimes I don't think my words make sense... they kinda come out jumbled...

It's ok to feel that way - very descriptive of how most of us felt when we first came here... . myself included.

But, let's stay on topic 

What does this have to do with NC - unless you know why you want to go NC, there is no amount of "tips" that can help you - you will have to help you.  And the thing is, you are more strong than you know - it just doesn't feel that way right now.

So, back to the question I asked - why do you want to go NC?

[BacknthSaddle]

Banshee, from what you've said it sounds like part of you wants NC because you think it will help you detach, but another big part of you wants NC so that you can provoke your ex into texting and the show him how little you care. So, for that part, it sounds like it's no so much a desire for "no contact" as it is for "contact," just a specific kind of contact on your terms.

Which is completely fine and completely normal. But I think many of us can tell you that, when we've disguised a desire for contact as one for no contact, we've ended up relapsing. You should be prepared for this and not feel like you've "failed" if you relapse. These relationships are addictive disorders, and people with addictive disorders relapse. We try as hard as we can not to, and we learn from our experiences when we do.

No contact is paradoxical. On the one hand, it can be a great help in detaching. On the other hand, you never truly achieve it until you're fully detached.

[Banshee]

Banshee, from what you've said it sounds like part of you wants NC because you think it will help you detach, but another big part of you wants NC so that you can provoke your ex into texting and the show him how little you care.

This is it.


I keep thinking if  I reach a certain amount of days or weeks of no contact I won't need for him to contact and me to prove anything... this is what I hope the most.I just want my feelings and thoughts to  all go away with no contact.

I'm so sorry If I'm not answering correctly ... I'm trying to understand why myself I reckon.

[GuiltHaunted]

It's OKAY to feel like that. Don't let your confusion confuse you. Don't try to understand. Instead accept that this is how you feel NOW.

[seeking balance]

Banshee, from what you've said it sounds like part of you wants NC because you think it will help you detach, but another big part of you wants NC so that you can provoke your ex into texting and the show him how little you care.

This is it.

ok - let's try this with your voice this time.

NC is a tool - nothing more and nothing less.  It can help us get our balance so we can make choices in our best interest.  It is not something that can be manipulated.

So, detaching is your goal... . sometimes we have to accept pain as the process to get there - if there were some magic pill, I would have made a fortune here by now.

So, NC for you will give you what?  Control over your own emotions maybe?

[HappyNihilist]

It feels like I was dumped out on a long dark road in the middle of nowhere... No matter how much I beg ,plead ,get angry threaten he won't help me back to a safe place ... he won't even admit to dropping me off there in the first place.

I'm doing all I can to get there on my own but its hard and confusing as if I was blindfolded before the long drive.

Sometimes I don't think my words make sense... they kinda come out jumbled...

It sounds like you might be looking for closure. Does that sound like it might be true?

I know that it's incredibly difficult to start detaching and therefore get into a good "NC mindset" when you feel that you don't have any closure. What do you think might help you reach your own closure, without needing any input or explanation from him?

There's nothing wrong with wanting him to contact you so you can ignore/hurt him. He's hurt you deeply, with seemingly no reason. Let yourself feel that... . fantasize about all the things you could say to him, do to him, to hurt him back. You will get more closure from doing that, and processing your own feelings, than from anything he could say. I promise. 

[Banshee]

Control over your own emotions maybe?

Yes... I feel him breaking no contact would give me a second chance to remove some of the foolish things I did and said.I'm very disgusted and embarrassed in how I acted... I can't stand the fact that it's ended with me looking so pathetic and that will be his last known memory of me.

[Banshee]

I'm using no contact in the wrong way... right? I see this now... took long enough... oh my word.

[GuiltHaunted]

No you are not using it the wrong way. What you feel is natural and will fade.

The reasons for you choosing NC, are not important. At least not at this stage when everything is so fresh. The main thing is that you maintain it, you are removing the potential to get further hurt. If you burn you hand, you remove it from the source of the heat. Right now it isn't important who started the fire, if it can be put out etc. The only important thing is that you remove your hand.

Later on, when the burn has healed, you can decide if you want to stick your hand in the fire again, put it out, play with the ashes or whatever metaphor you would see fit.

You are in NC, you removed your hand - that it what matters for now.

[Banshee]

GuiltHaunted  Thank you I will sleep so much better just because of those words... I won't give in I have this place to turn to now and will post here and not break the no contact.

[HappyNihilist]

No you are not using it the wrong way. What you feel is natural and will fade.

The reasons for you choosing NC, are not important. At least not at this stage when everything is so fresh. The main thing is that you maintain it, you are removing the potential to get further hurt. If you burn you hand, you remove it from the source of the heat. Right now it isn't important who started the fire, if it can be put out etc. The only important thing is that you remove your hand.

Later on, when the burn has healed, you can decide if you want to stick your hand in the fire again, put it out, play with the ashes or whatever metaphor you would see fit.

You are in NC, you removed your hand - that it what matters for now.

The important thing is that you want to maintain NC. You are protecting yourself. That is the big reason for NC, and that is a completely "right" reason.   And that is what will be able to keep you in NC -- seeing it as a form of self-preservation. Taking care of YOU.

You will have time to process your reasons and emotions. Don't try to figure everything out all at once.  

[Banshee]

Thank you HappyNihilist... I'm seeing things alot differently aready being on here ... all the support is amazing... I feel stronger already.If he ever does contact first this will be the first place I'll go 

[seeking balance]

No you are not using it the wrong way. What you feel is natural and will fade.

The reasons for you choosing NC, are not important. At least not at this stage when everything is so fresh. The main thing is that you maintain it, you are removing the potential to get further hurt. If you burn you hand, you remove it from the source of the heat. Right now it isn't important who started the fire, if it can be put out etc. The only important thing is that you remove your hand.

Later on, when the burn has healed, you can decide if you want to stick your hand in the fire again, put it out, play with the ashes or whatever metaphor you would see fit.

You are in NC, you removed your hand - that it what matters for now.

There is truth to this in a raw state, absolutely.

Tips to NC are knowing your own motivations

Control over your own emotions maybe?

Yes... I feel him breaking no contact would give me a second chance to remove some of the foolish things I did and said.I'm very disgusted and embarrassed in how I acted... I can't stand the fact that it's ended with me looking so pathetic and that will be his last known memory of me.

This sentence right here - read it anytime you thing that contacting him is a good idea - it is this realization that will keep you from going down the path.

We have all been embarrassed by our behavior, be kind to you right now - but use that as fuel to give yourself the space you need to heal.

NC is only useful if you know why you are doing it - doing it because a bunch of people are telling you to do it will not help when that overwhelming ache happens... . I know that firsthand.  It is when we decide for us the WHY that we no longer need tips - it just is.

You have come a long way in this thread - if I were you, I would bookmark it to read as you move through this process.

You are stronger than you realize.

Peace,

SB

[Banshee]

Thank you so much seeking balance...

I know contact only brings more pain... everytime without fail... I got confused with different things I was reading. One of them being out of sight out of mind... I would  worry he would forget me if I stopped all contact.

After so many failed  attempts i realized the hurt I was going through had to be more important  to me than anything he was thinking or feeling because he didn't care how I felt... I have no idea if he will initiate contact with me again but I do know that I'm not putting myself through that pain of rejection again.

Alone, confused and healing feels alot better than rejected, humiliated and new daily hurt .Ive got to remember that. 

[HappyNihilist]

i realized the hurt I was going through had to be more important  to me than anything he was thinking or feeling because he didn't care how I felt.

Alone, confused and healing feels alot better than rejected, humiliated and new daily hurt .

These two statements are very important and absolutely, 100% true.

You have really come a long way and are doing very good work here.  And of course we're always here for you.

[sirius]

I am in my 7th day NC today... . i was feeling like you for the first few days, i removed her number from my speedial and turned all her alerts off... . no vibrate... . no LED's and nothing so i could sleep

We broke up 8 weeks ago but, been initiating text to her, typical examples:

me: "How are you today?"

her: usual

me: pls take care of yourself

2 hours later T 1 AM... . her: Please stop pretending you ##^@#@$@

and getting trahsed at the end

[Banshee]

i'm on day 7 today too... didn't even send a happy birthday on day 5... pushing to day 10, it was  the longest  ive been so far and really trying to get past that mark... wow seems so easy for them while we struggle minute to minute... hang in there sirius we can do this!

[sirius]

Banshee, you know what... .

As i was tempted to text her earlier today and i waited... . i went to pack her things up and stumpled on some old telephone bills, guess what... . she was having short flings with many many people since 2002, on and off... . calls made from 2 or 3 am, these number will appear for 3 or 4 months and then dissappear. a new pattern with a new number will again appear for another 3 to 6 months and then gone.

Damnn... . as i was about to pick up the mobile to text her is she is doing ok... .

So dont regret it... . hang in there... . theres a reason but we just dont know it yet

[Banshee]

I'm so glad I wouldn't know if he was seeing someone... don't think I could handle it but yet the thought is what made me break no contact a few times.

Now I focus on all the lifeless replies  I would get when I would text...

Me: Hope you had a nice Easter.

4 hours later

Him: been busy working all day

As you see he didn't even respond to what my actual text said.

He made it out to be like being friends was soo important...

I'm not interested in his definition of a friend. I'm nicer to people I don't know or even like .This is what makes it so hard.

You were once the best thing ever then bam your no more than an annoying itch that won't go away...

Yes we can make it ... I was the one that was hard headed ,had to keep on keeping on ... like running into a brick wall over and over... well I'm damaged enough from it ... time to walk away heal myself.

If you feel like contacting post here it really helps

[Lion Fire]

I recorded one of her rants to my phone and I've kept the last volley of dreadfully insulting texts... . whenever I have that craving to reach out to her I have a go to these references which are evidence that she is no good for me. It's that simple but not necessarily easy.

[Banshee]

I recorded one of her rants to my phone and I've kept the last volley of dreadfully insulting texts... . whenever I have that craving to reach out to her I have a go to these references which are evidence that she is no good for me. It's that simple but not necessarily easy.

Sad thing is it was me that gets so out of control and my texts are just horrid... i have showed every BPD trait possible by text ... he most likely has texts that he has kept from my rants... I have never been so out of control and ugly as I have with him in my whole life!

One thing I hold on to is ... I have never done those things before him  and never will again... but he could push every button I had with his silence and calm non caring replies... then point the finger at me and say I was this and that... so passive aggressive and worked every time!

Everyday that passes it  gets better but what I did was just unthinkable and unforgivable to me... . Yuk

[sirius]

I had almost 6 weeks of the worst text i ever wrote to her, the meanest i ever did to hurt her back... . venting my anger and never won at all. Regretted it everytime i did that. Each time they will say a little something to piss you off and all the anger you have inside will be spilled out... . as though we have become them. I saw this in myself and i thought to myself... . is this me?

For example, if it was 4weeks ago and i found the sh** that i found today... . it would have been another long day of texting and quarrelling. This time I did not because i have more control and I have some self respect not to react to it.

Mine did not read the text but read it later as the reply was overlapping

It gets better each day, the urge to pickup the phone and check for their text or to text them is fading each day.

Don't become like them, we are ourselves that is why we feel so bad and we have our self concious

[Emelie Emelie]

I'm lousy at NC.  I get like an addict who is "jonesing" for a fix.  I get absolutely frantic.  He, on the other hand, is great at it.   :'(  And I felt exactly as you're describing, weak and pathetic.  Hated myself for doing it but couldn't seem to stop.  (Talking about BU #1 here.  Now in BU #2 and just texted him last night.)  Either reaching out or trying to take my power back.  It is a losing game.  I never got a response that made me feel any better about anything.  Usually I felt dramatically worse.  Please don't beat yourself up about it.  NC isn't a "rule".  As one of the advisors said it's a tool.  This is all really really hard stuff.

[Banshee]

Just look at all ya'll wonderful people and what the ex has done to such caring and supportive mates... . from what I see here it's all the exes loss... I cherish and appreciate every word and send lots of   and   to you all

[Emelie Emelie]

   And to you Banshee.

[BacknthSaddle]

Please don't beat yourself up about it.  NC isn't a "rule".  As one of the advisors said it's a tool.  This is all really really hard stuff.

Truth.

[sirius]

As much as I was afraid to find out about the truth that she was cheating on me, I discovered it by accident and faced it... . and now I can see the rotten inner self of her being such it made me doesnt want to see or hear from this person anymore. I was shocked... . beyond words.

I have been living in her lies for the past 12 years and was punished by it even after its over... .

This gives me even more determination to be NC and wished she will not contact me either

This place really helps a lot... . thank you guys and/or gals... .

[Tolou]

Hey Banshee...

The thing about N.C. for me has been clarity. I decided to go no contact, I broke it once, and the results just set me back... . It was right back to hearing the threats of suicide, for me I knew there, I'm done.  Plus all the things she dienies to admit and take responsibilty for, I can't communicate with a child nor ever be in a relationship with one.  We work togeather, I see her 3-5 times a week... . I haven't said a word to her in almost 1 year now... . Not one word, if I can, I try not to even look at her... . It's a dead a end, I have many reasons why I am choosing this... . But the bottom line, as miuch as I care about her and wish her well... . She is not an honest person, and she is quick to stab a person in the back she doesn't get her way.  She completely had me painted black at work, making me out to be something I am not.  I ignored everything, every attempt, every lie, every accusation, false stroy etc... . It hurt, but I ignored and ignored and ignored and showed not one inch of concern for anything she said or did.  Now she is mirroring me again, ignoring me, avoiding eye-contact etc... . But it's not a game for me, I am really done.  I am doing it because I have to work here and she tried to damage my reputation and name and had the nerve to ask me if  want to "hangout", my last words to her were "NO", I wish you well but I am done and need to move on to a healthier life... . And that's what it is all about, finding a healthier relationship with yourself will lead to one with others... . You knwo what lies behind that dorr, theres no need to explore it, it will only confuse you, hurt you, and set you back... .

[sirius]

on my side... . her birthday is coming in 2 weeks time anf today is the 8th day of NC. Should I text her a birthday greet when the day comes? we have been celebrating the last 12 birthdays together. She will be away in Australia on that day. I don't know if that is a good idea and that will be breaking NC

[Banshee]

[quoteon my side... . her birthday is coming in 2 weeks time anf today is the 8th day of NC. Should I text her a birthday greet when the day comes? we have been celebrating the last 12 birthdays together. She will be away in Australia on that day. I don't know if that is a good idea and that will be breaking NC][/quote]
I did not contact him on his birthday but it was for a different reason than it should have been. I wanted it to trigger him into thinking he had lost me for good and contact me... he  hasnt yet and it's been 3 days since his birthday.

12 years is a long time maybe someone in a longer relationship would have a better choice... but for me absolutely not... he didn't care about me or what was going on with my life why should I acknowledge his special day when I was obviously  not so special after all. :'(