He already knows that he will never find anyone like me
Was this what you wanted to hear? And upon hearing it, did it make you wonder
why he was with another woman while he was still so attached to you? Did it also make you feel angry? After all, he moved “immediately” into a new relationship. And he got himself into something that he claims now he can’t get out of. Doesn't that sound like a helpless Man?
When he simultaneously devalued another woman it caused you to overvalue yourself. He’s telling you you’re better than her, and what are you supposed to do about it? Do you think there is a reason why he said this that might be part fantasy? Of yearning for reunion with perceived good?
I let it go and moved on. The last few months I have been feeling excellent, positive mood, progress in all aspects of my life.
Actually,
I let it go and moved on should read: I waited, knowing that he preferred me over her. I felt better while feeling superior to her. I held out hope that he would see the error of his ways and break up with her?
Then this weekend He emotionally dumploaded how he thinks about me every day, he still has this connection that he hasnt had with anyone else... . and how his current "relationship" (if that is what you call it) is completely void of any kind of stimulation.
You are helping him devalue his relationship to offload stress. The fact that you did that is telling. That must have made you feel somewhat superior but also incredibly angry.
He said that he has been talking to his close friends about what to do because she is "nice" (arent they all at first) and he knows it will be painful for her, but he just doesnt feel anything.
Rather than discussing it with her, he’s talking to his close friends behind his girlfriend’s back. He’s also decided to recycle you into the gossip because…? No offense to you, but why would you want to be with someone who is talking behind a woman’s back, a woman that you think you are somewhat superior to- otherwise you'd realize that
what he does to her - he'll also do to you? There isn’t much loyalty to her it seems, but it does give the appearance that he’s loyal to you. Don’t you see this as hypocritical as well as misleading? BPD is a pattern of behavior of interpersonal instability. (That applies to every partner.)
I did make it perfectly clear, that I would not be looking for any kind of relationship with him now or in the future.
So you are merely his “friend” who counsels him concerning leaving a relationship? What if he wants to stay? Shouldn’t that also be his choice?
I dont hear anything from him and he is shacked up with the same person who supposedly has nothing to offer him.
Why does this make you angry if you do not wish to have a relationship with him?
I was enraged. How can you pour your heart out to someone and say that they mean the world to you and then just ignore them when you are with someone that means nothing to you.
OK, now we are getting somewhere. And now that his other relationship appears to mean something, you feel enraged because he is talking out of both sides of his mouth. But, what happened to “making it perfectly clear that you would not be looking for any kind of relationship with him now or in the future?” Being enraged sounds like you are very attached to his valuation of you and desire more than he can give.
This isnt a jealousy issue as she is completely lacking of morals, self respect, intellect, education or dynamics.
If that’s not jealousy then it is most certainly judgment against her. What do you suppose is the need for your judgment? Does it keep you hooked in any way?
Eventually you'll have to come to terms with the disorder and how it works. It treats everyone with equal opportunity and given time and self reflection you'll find out your Achilles heel concerning your own idea of superiority. Try not to compare yourself as better than the current partner because really there is no “better” person for disordered thought. It exists despite the partner. It is a common draw though for partners to believe they are superior to others concerning the needs of the Borderline.
Borderlines cannot be alone but they also cannot be with someone that they constantly feel *needs* their reflective admiration. This is too much like subjugation to them, especially when their efforts are failing to deliver a dose of self esteem and admiration to the want of the partner, creating anger in the partner and frustration to the Borderline. The partner that gets worried about the withdrawing BPD will often chastise the BPD for failure to deliver the *needed* dose of esteem which plays right into both parties defectiveness schemas. Does that make sense concerning your rage?
That's when BPD's find new people to mirror- one's that don't complain- (at least not while they are being overvalued.)
Additionally, she looks like a motley crue groupie, stripper wanna be and the same use and mental capacity of a blow up doll.
Dehumanizing her takes allot of the blame off of him, doesn’t it? Dehumanizing her also elevates the feeling that you are more valuable and he needs you more than her. Women who are still attached to an ex are often very unkind to the new girlfriend, blithely ignoring the relationship by calling it a “joke,” or responding aggressively against the girlfriend whom the Borderline claims is on her way out. That’s tag teaming on the drama triangle with victim and rescuer against the persecutor. Unfortunately, this is a game of musical chairs. You will be victimized in the end when you least expect it.
Borderlines can have many relationships at the same time because they are fragmented personalities. These relationships can be lush and exotic or they can be cerebral and chaste. They can take and give back double time in fantasy and longing during separations from you- while being physically intimate with another person behind your back. In truth, Borderlines are like shapeshifters according to whom they reflect. This should not imply that someone deserves to be hurt- but those that are called into this have inventory to do. What it does bring to light is the "reflected" personalities and what they desire.
So, if someone
“completely lacking of morals, self respect, intellect, education or dynamics, that looks like a motley crue groupie, stripper wanna be with the same use and mental capacity of a blow up doll” is on the menu, then that personality will be evaluated by the Borderline according to needs.
Why would you want to be with someone who does not share your ideals or changes them according to who their partner is at the moment?
Many people refuse to consider that they were objectified in the relationship- and remain steadfast in the aftermath with their ideas of reference concerning their idealization. Those people will continually bargain with the one person they perceive holds their mirror- and refuse to acknowledge the disordered agreement this entails with a disordered person. Soon it becomes an addictive quest for both parties. This is where pathology comes into play, because Borderline moves back and forth between withdrawing and rewarding objectification. Understand which part you play and then step out of the pathology. It’s your only way out of the dysfunction.
he tried to utilize me to fulfill the 90% of the components he was lacking in his current relationship.
No. He was using you as a safety valve. Have you ever considered that he is telling you what you want to hear because it makes him feel good too? If he did this to you on purpose to “fulfill” something lacking, it is his own unstable sense of self. If you realize this as his neediness, then you must understand your own need to feel special as well.
Additionally, he is concerned with hurting her feelings over mine.
He’s not concerned with either of your feelings. He’s concerned with avoiding pain.
This whole situation made me question the validity of his "heartfelt comments" to me.
As you should.
A few things: I dont want him back, but will NOT play second fiddle to anyone and clearly not someone that he dug out of the trash.
This is known as a transformation of aggression against a third party who you perceive to be standing in the way. Not only does this redirect the blame away from him- it also heightens the jealousy felt by you towards the other woman. Meanwhile, he gets *you* to devalue the other woman so he can feel better about himself- you feel better about yourself because *you aren't like her* and he plays the both of you like a fiddle and remains in business with you both.
This back and forth can go on and on indefinitely, stealing away your precious life while you wait for another call from him. It can also stop you from actually doing anything else but waiting, anticipating the demise of their relationship due to her lack of perfection and obsessing over your own -while offering suggestions and waiting and hoping over whether or not they will be fulfilled. They won’t. This is a disorder. It is working with your participation. Let go.
Deep inside that working disorder is your “waiting,” which are expectations of your fulfillment. If you close the door to him, you run the risk of eliminating that expectation of your fulfillment. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and Acceptance. This expectation of fulfillment is right smack dab in the stage called bargaining and it’s swirling back and forth from anger because at the moment you perceive someone else to be at blame for your "waiting."
Stop waiting. This is about you now.
I find it strange that he seems to push harder in the relationship with her after he has had contact with me.
No, he returns to her after using you as a safety valve. How did you describe it? He does an “emotional dump load” on you.
You are very useful in that regard.I confronted him yesterday. He said that he was trying to find a way to break up with her. Really? You either do it or you dont.
What happened to : “I did make it perfectly clear, that I would not be looking for any kind of relationship with him now or in the future?“
all of the BS that I had to endure within the 5 years of his miserable stressful life, that someone (who is clearly unworthy) is getting to benefit now that his life is in order... .
This is not a “life in order.” It is dysfunction on the drama triangle, keeping you hooked with malignant hope and uncertainty.
I made it clear that I already had people I was seeing
That’s sort of an ultimatum, isn’t it? About your desire to no longer wait and your need to pull the outcome closer?
(two can play at that game)
You cannot play games with a disordered person without becoming disordered yourself.
1.Is this what they usually do to fuel their current joke of a relationship?
It’s not a joke unless you believe it is.
2.If he is already not happy in his current relationship what is going to be the turning point?
He wasn’t able to have a satisfactory relationship with you either and this is a blind spot for you. There is only a turning point when he can be alone and delve into why he thinks
Triangulation is a valid way to survive his anxiety. What will be your turning point? What will it take for you to stop waiting for him and come to acceptance of the disorder? Revenge dating isn't the answer.
(This girl has no self esteem so she just does whatever he wants). I just cant see the boat being rocked apparently he isnt going to leave.
It appears that you are both in the same boat. I don’t see you leaving either unless you start answering the hard questions about why you feel superior to her without the realization that neither one of you has love, trust and stability with this Man despite the disparities you perceive in your own value.
3.Is it possible that his relationship will last a while due to the fact that she has low standards, will deal with whatever and he has no reason to leave?
What you need and I need and we all need on this forum, is radical acceptance of the disorder. Radical acceptance involves *feeling* your feelings, accepting the *change* of letting go instead of holding on to the malignant hope that Borderline personality disorder doesn’t exist. It also means accepting the *uncertainty versus hope* as a part of bargaining and moving through your anger about that. That anger also involves unfair comparisons with another human being who is more similar to you than you may realize. Not realizing this similarity causes you to remain competitively in play like a chess piece in the disordered thought of a Man who cannot express himself appropriately in actions. You are very useful in that regard to express disdain about her for him. Very useful.
Letting go also means *letting go of the outcome of the Borderline’s attachments*. This is especially painful as jealousy can be when thinking about the other woman involved and your comparison to her. There are ALWAYS other people involved when you are with a Borderline. The disorder demands that they compulsively line up BENCHWARMERS. The fantasy is that everyone thinks they are a starting quarterback only to find out that someone else is in the game (that you may have never even heard of before) Meanwhile you’ve been eyeing someone else as a rival who was being played just like you are.
This is a disorder. It has to be changed from within, not from well-meaning others doing the work for them.
Detaching is the letting go of the loss of idealization and being alone without the distraction of the Borderline’s tease to get you back into the game.
Every time the Borderline does this, they utilize the notion of false hope that they can give you back your idealized self. You're going to have to radically accept that what worked in the beginning made you feel worse in the end. That is, your idea of reference about yourself as superior to fulfill the Borderline's needs.
Being saddened, grieving the loss of idealized love (for yourself) and utilizing new hope for happiness without the Borderline in your life are the ways to support yourself instead of holding on to hope for the Borderline's return to idealize for you.
Radical acceptance is the only way, but it's also the loneliest- because you have to let go of the fantasy that this person represented; the mirror of your good. You’ll have to give that to yourself.
