Living without the constant anger

[iluminati]

Since the BPD exw has moved on, I've settled into a normal routine with my daughter and I.  She definitely misses her mother, but I have arranged counseling for my daughter, and it seems to help.  The one thing I am noticing as I move on is the lack of constant anger and rage in the air.  I didn't realize how much it was until the air cleared, and I moved on with my own life.  Granted, there was no way of knowing whether my wife would accept help until she was presented with it.  Still, just noticing the absence of complete anger and rage at the world has been eye-opening.  This is from someone who didn't even bother really interacting towards the end, nor really played into the temper tantrums, so it isn't that I spent my time walking on eggshells.  It was more of an ambient thing, just noticing how upset she was 24/7.

How have you dealt with the difference over time?  And can anyone relate to this experience?

[fromheeltoheal]

You mention not interacting or playing into it towards the end, detaching while still technically in the relationship.  I wasn't married to my ex and it was a relatively short relationship, but I went from fully engaged in the crazymaking to flopping to completely fed up, and as soon as I started giving her back what she gave me things really blew up and the relationship ended.

The thing that was in the air for me, the ambient vibe, was the unpredictability, which did create the feeling of walking on eggshells when I let it matter.  Rage was always an option, but so was momentary glee, crippling insecurity, emotional distance, general funk, wide ranges of emotions that could change on a dime.  And yes, when I left her I immediately felt massive relief, and just talking to strangers was a joy because even they were showing up with some kind of emotional consistency.

The relief eventually faded and my own anger showed up, anger at myself for tolerating what I did, part of the grieving process I've learned.  Did you experience any of that?

[iluminati]

I think my anger was more at my wife for not accepting the help she was offered.  She managed to get herself thrown out of DBT twice, plus tried to hustle a bunch of her other mental health providers, though I ended up stopping those efforts in her tracks (one of them unintentionally, in fact).  I was angry, but made a point to not pull the trigger on the papers until I could make a sober decision about moving on. 

By the time I moved on, I had made peace with everything and was ready to move on with my life.  Now, I don't really care about her except that she be there for my daughter.  I wish she would have accepted help, but as the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.

[Lucky Jim]

Agree, illuminati and fromhtoh, I had a similar experience.  My BPDxW's cauldron of rage was always bubbling just below the surface, until it frequently boiled over.  The principal mood or sentiment that I recall about my Ex is that of anger.   After a while, I came to regard her anger as a form of crying wolf, which led me to becoming unresponsive, or rock-like.  One way I like to describe our r/s is in terms of a cosmic game of rock, paper, scissors in which she was always shooting  "scissors."  Soon, I learned not to shoot paper, so my choice was always between scissors or rock, because I knew she was incapable of shooting anything but scissors.

I enjoy the peace that follows after the ambient anger is gone.  I still have a long way to go in order to get back on my feet, but I like going home at night without fearing that a wine bottle will be thrown at my head.  It's boring in a good way!

LuckyJim

[iluminati]

Agree, illuminati and fromhtoh, I had a similar experience.  My BPDxW's cauldron of rage was always bubbling just below the surface, until it frequently boiled over.  The principal mood or sentiment that I recall about my Ex is that of anger.   After a while, I came to regard her anger as a form of crying wolf, which led me to becoming unresponsive, or rock-like.  One way I like to describe our r/s is in terms of a cosmic game of rock, paper, scissors in which she was always shooting  "scissors."  Soon, I learned not to shoot paper, so my choice was always between scissors or rock, because I knew she was incapable of shooting anything but scissors.

Hey, the only way I learned to be unresponsive was thanks to the tools on this site.  From there, it was just a matter of waiting to see if she would respond to therapy (she didn't) and for my finances to improve.