How to let go of resentment?

[Olinda]

I resent so much. 

I guess I resent my choices and am in complete victim mode today. Hoping writing this out helps me clarify some things.

I try so hard. My partner is nothing like some BPDs, she may not even be BPD, with as much insight as she has displayed lately, but her behaviors are so all-encompassing.

I'm tired of having to endure a blast of annoyance or rage at small things. Yes, I know I could set a boundary and walk away, but I don't want to have to get out of my warm bed when a blast comes at me first thing in the morning. 

And the prescription for fixing what annoys her seems very controlling and if I resist in anyway the argument continues.  This morning was 45 minutes of cold shoulder, annoyance, small blasts of rage, and I can see now that it is attention-seeking. 

I am resentful of having my morning start this way, or my afternoon through a text or my evening through something innocent.   

I don't know if I can do this 'caretaking' BS much longer. 

It's a perfect storm because I am definitely co-dependent and my mood depends on hers so I don't want her to express dissatisfaction every time she feels it, cuz then I feel blamed and like I have to fix her feelings.  I know, I know, I'm in therapy, I'm working on it. 

Does anyone have tips? Other than saying to self: Self, you have a choice in this matter.  To express your dissatisfaction and put up with the aftermath of that or to suppress your dissatisfaction and have it pop up somewhere else unexpectedly... .

ARGH.

Thanks for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

If you are working on you to improve you, rather than as a means to "fix" her, you will become a better you. That is rewarding and all this work feels less of a resentful chore.

Resentment is hard as it primes you for poor reactions, which can trigger further unpleasant behavior.

It took me a long time to get rid of resentment, this has now been replaced with periodic frustration and annoyance at times. These are normal feelings, the main difference is they they don't have a residual effect and hence cause that trigger for next time.

Frustration and annoyance are easier to express and expunge. Resentment is like a cancer to a RS.

There is no magic trick or fancy words you can use to make this transition, it is part of the evolution of changing you.

This can happen without your partner becoming "better", it is in your court

[Ziggiddy]

Olinda I think resentment comes from becoming aware of what is just and fair. When you realise it is not kind to be treated 'that way' the natural reaction is "I don't deserve this." It abates as you become more aware that their behaviour has nothing to do with you. that they will be like this with anyone. Once I started to understand that I have found resentment just naturally declines. it is only when we invest ourselves in our loved one's opinion of us and lend credence to that opinion that we suffer. Imagine if a stranger treated you the way your BPD did: you wouldn't be invested in their opinion.

I agree with waverider that the focus must be shifted from trying to influence their behaviours to trying to influence your own.

I find it useful to work out beforehand what I will say to myself when 'assaulted' Things like "Well you've shown me quite clearly that your response has been faulty in other matters - why should I believe that THIS thing is true?" Or "Love ya darling but what you're talking about is lunacy ;o)"

You may possibly have low self esteem and that is why you believe the snipes have something to with you. By finding something to do that is for you and  only about you, you may find your confidence in your own ability rise and give you some peace from what can seem like a neverending sparring zone.

Distraction and emotional distance ar enatural in healthy relationships - I wonder how much more so when there is a disorder involved. Good luck

[Olinda]

Thanks for this.  Love this tip: "Love ya, darlin, but what you are talking about lunacy!"

I am working on disengaging and not being so caught in the emotionality and feeling at fault. 

[Stalwart]

Hey Olinda 

I can so associate with everything you've said here and everything you felt and still feel. Most of us have lived our lives in the same confusion and well, disappointments. I can only speak from my own and some other's experiences. Everyone lives so many complicated and different scenarios.

I also have a nine year history of all hell breaking loose and our relationship deteriorating to a point of questioning the worth and want in staying. The change in my life and my wife's came after a real bad situation of an affair, me finding out, and subsequently after a lot of problems and my wife being totally disregulated coming to a point of having to make REAL decisions. Perhaps it was the extent of how damaged and enraged and desperate she was after everything combined with getting a diagnosis and awareness of the entire situation that led me to my decisions to change my attitude about our relationship but I did.

It was difficult but I came to the decision that I was going to stay and if I was, I was going to change this entire thing and turn over a new leaf in our relationship. How giving it my best effort worked out would determine our futures.

I could tell you about it all but instead I'm going to post an article by Brad Pitt on the exact same scenario and situation that I found myself in. The uncanny thing is he said the exact same things to himself and did the exact same things that I did. When I read this I was startled by the similarities. Were did I get this. My wife posted it on her facebook page because she recognized this is exactly what our situation was and how it played out as well.

A year later after changing myself and our dynamics we both live a really close and good life together. I can't even begin to tell you how recognizing her needs, why she had them and what I needed to do resulted in our lives changing so dramatically.

History: Angelina Jolie was diagnosed with BPD, her relationship with Brad Pitt was revealed by body guards as typical to a relationship with BPD involved. The mood swings and devaluation of her relationship with Brad started shortly after they got together and progressed to the point where she was constantly badgering and criticizing Brad, unable to care for her children and was considered by most on the inside as demanding, cruel and self-centered. Here is what Brad finally did after years of progressive turmoil and deterioration in his relationship. He doesn’t speak in detail about their personal problems or her eventual diagnosis which is respectful, but this is what he did say about his revelation in his relationship and his decisions in dealing with it.

"My girl got sick. She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and children. She lost 30 pounds and weighted about 90 pounds. She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the mornings and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of a break up. Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. I lost hope and thought that we’ll get separated soon… But then I decided to act. After all I’ve got the MOST Beautiful Woman on earth. She is the idol of more than half of men and women on earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her. I began to shower her with flowers, kisses and compliments. I surprised and pleased her every minute. I gave her a lot of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends. You won’t believe it, but she blossomed. She became better. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much.

And then I realized one thing: the woman is the reflection of her man.

If you love her to the point of madness, she will become it."

-Brad Pitt

Food for thought Olinda and just to let you know that there is hope and possibilities.

Hope this helps 

[Stalwart]

I'll just complete this by saying that at one time I so regretted my decisions and disliked our relationship. The hurt, the disillusionment, everything that everyone else here has had to deal with.

I no longer regret my decision to either be with my wife, marry her or stay in this relationship. I consider the past a huge learning experience and if it had not been just as bad as it was I never would have been able to look for or find solutions for either of us to live better. Not saying an affair is right, the past treatments are right, the hurt was right or the problem we constantly lived in on a daily basis was right - it isn't, just saying that there was a silver lining somewhere in the dark storm.

Today I cherish our relationship, our time together, our future together and so does she.

[waverider]

Stalwart what you are really getting at here is to stop being reactive, otherwise you get sidelined by symptomatic behavior, which is in itself invalidating as your partner struggles to convey their concerns accurately, so you are not addressing the real problem.

If instead you are proactive, set a good example, make your partner feel worthy then you get closer to the real issue. In the process this is more validating. Chances of positive progress are greatly improved.

This is not the same as being controlling and laying down the law.

[yeeter]

Resentment - a very very difficult emotion to rid yourself of. And a relationship killer for sure.

But rid it you must.  (sounds like yoda)

For me, this took a long time and is an ongoing struggle.  Understanding some of the underlying reasons was somewhat helpful (a sense of unfairness, being deceived, uncaring of others feelings, etc etc). I had to look at myself and say - you were naive and of course someone would take advantage of you if you let them.  So a life lesson to lose some of the naivety about relationships.  And to make a note that for future major life decisions (especially involving other people) to run a different decision making process. 

And then going through an exercise of considering ending the relationship.  By going down this path it sent a message to myself and also my wife that yes, I do have a CHOICE.  Then at the 11th hour of divorce filings pulling back and choosing to stay in the relationship, and grounding myself on exactly why I choose this (that I genuinely believe my children are better off with me in their lives on a daily basis, rather than a contentious, bitter, crazy making 'coparenting' relationship).

Then getting myself emotionally healthy again, and applying all the capabilities and resources that I have to make the situation tenable.  Fact was, I was (and still am in some ways) not the person I want to be and its a constant battle to maintain this sense of self and live it.

Is it ideal?  Not in the least.  Is it the best I know how to play the cards that I have been dealt - cards that I had a part in creating?  Yes. And this entire process had the classic grieving cycle:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  And not until you reach Acceptance are you able to then have a sense of CHOICE (it was there all along, but you didnt accept this choice,or embrace it even).

So focus on yourself and your own behavior.  The choices you have.  How you want to see yourself.  How you want to act.  The person you want to be.  Dont worry about whether she jumps on board or not.  If not, then you have choices on how to work around that.  If she doesnt like your behavior, well that is her choice and as long as you are ok with yourself and feel good about yourself then detach from her projections.  This will also help break the cycle of manipulation that often happens.

$.02 Ramblings.  As much for my own benefit writing it out as yours.  Good luck, and post here often and write it all out.  So much great advice on the board.

 

[going places]

I resent so much. 

I guess I resent my choices and am in complete victim mode today. Hoping writing this out helps me clarify some things.

I try so hard. My partner is nothing like some BPDs, she may not even be BPD, with as much insight as she has displayed lately, but her behaviors are so all-encompassing.

I'm tired of having to endure a blast of annoyance or rage at small things. Yes, I know I could set a boundary and walk away, but I don't want to have to get out of my warm bed when a blast comes at me first thing in the morning.

What is the root of the problem?

What causes the 'rage'?

You have to be willing to get to the root of the problem, and eliminate the root, if you are sick of weeds. Mowing them down is a temporary fix. Get to the root.

 

And the prescription for fixing what annoys her seems very controlling and if I resist in anyway the argument continues.  This morning was 45 minutes of cold shoulder, annoyance, small blasts of rage, and I can see now that it is attention-seeking. 

I am resentful of having my morning start this way, or my afternoon through a text or my evening through something innocent. 

Just based on what you have written, seems that it is attention seeking.

Why seek attention in such a negative way?

Again, get to the root.  

I don't know if I can do this 'caretaking' BS much longer. 

If you look at your relationship with this person as "caretaking" and "BS"... . then it's not a relationship at all. 

It's a perfect storm because I am definitely co-dependent and my mood depends on hers so I don't want her to express dissatisfaction every time she feels it, cuz then I feel blamed and like I have to fix her feelings.  I know, I know, I'm in therapy, I'm working on it. 

www.coda.org

It is VERY hard (dare I say impossible) to live with someone who mirrors.

There are days when 1 person is having a rough day, and this is where the other person should step up and be supportive. Not mirror and make it all about them... . THAT is exhausting.

Does anyone have tips? Other than saying to self: Self, you have a choice in this matter.  To express your dissatisfaction and put up with the aftermath of that or to suppress your dissatisfaction and have it pop up somewhere else unexpectedly... .

ARGH.

Thanks for listening.

Get to the root of the problem.

Find out what the root is and eliminate it.

[Stalwart]

Really wise and perceptive ramblings yeeter. I feel for you and so wish that along with your decision you could find the path of bringing your relationship closer with your wife. Not really for the kid's sake but entirely for both of yours. Not an easy task.

Wave rider you hit the nail right on the head. There is nothing reactive about what I did or how I managed to change the dynamics of our relationship. Reactivity didn't work for me. I had to close the book on the past entirely and open a brand new page. Only this time I wrote the entire script with proactive accomplishments.

I'm not saying it's easy to close that book, it isn't and for the most part I really try my best to not go back and peak at those old dog-eared pages. Sometimes though the wind seems to blow it open and I can't help reliving a paragraph or two but time, determination (and want for a better life for both of us) will help with that.

Everything I do in paying attention to my relationship with my wife, who she is, what she needs and what I need is done proactively but let's look at it for a moment. What good and healthy realtionship is work-free? None are! It's always all about what you put into your relationship that will determine what you get out of it.


Do I pick her up a lot of flowers, buy cards, send a quick daily email or text about how much I love her and miss her? I sure do. Because I do miss her and want to be with her. I live it conciously all the time in that awareness and hey, she loves it. It gives her validation and stability. She knows she's loved. The reason being even though she suffers from an illness that exasterbates that needs those are the same needs every woman has in every realtionship. To know they're loved, respected, admired, wanted. The only difference really is the extend of HOW MUCH she needs this as compared to someone without this illness. I can live with that because I've got a lot of love  to give. In return now I recieve love because she trusts me and she's validated in her choice of relationship with me. No one else in her life stayed long enough to comit themselves to her real needs. She knows that and she really appreciates that I have and that I am.

It isn't about co-dependency. I had every choice to make. I could have easily left her with simple justification. I could have easily found someone else and I have no problem living by myself and not getting in another relationship or I could stay to carry on with the comittments and promises I made in my marriage. I chose the later.

I'm really not afraid of that challenge. It's the same challenge I would have in any relationship, to love the person I've comitted to and who's committed to me thoroughly and well. That's the comittment we make when we exchange vows. Knowing the excess of her needs mean I now understand and know how to do that. Before I was living in a life of sheer ignorance and naevity of BPD, the problems, the ridiculous actions and the chaos so it just got worse and worse not reacting in ways that my input improved the situation. Wiser man today and just as willing to use that wisdom to try and make both our lives better.

Who can really tell the future. I can't and I don't reside to the future being great. I take every day and work at ensuring that my input in our relationship is what it should be to ensure it is great. The rest is up to her. Time will reveal the rights and wrongs, but for yesterday and today man we live really well together and there is no doubt in anyone's mind about committment and love in our relationship.

I feel blessed when there was a time I felt cursed.

So yup, being able to close the pages on the past and using proactivity, not demands and expectations and setting bourdaries that may inhibit progress has worked miracles to change the dynamics in our lives.


I just so wish so many other peole here who still live in that desperate, terrible, and somewhat frightening place that I lived in for nine years were able to also find solutions to change the dynamics of their relationships as well. It's my hope that everyone here can.

[Wrongturn1]

History: Angelina Jolie was diagnosed with BPD, her relationship with Brad Pitt was revealed by body guards as typical to a relationship with BPD involved... .

"My girl got sick... . I began to shower her with flowers, kisses and compliments. I surprised and pleased her every minute. I gave her a lot of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends. You won’t believe it, but she blossomed. She became better. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much.

And then I realized one thing: the woman is the reflection of her man.

I'm glad to hear that things have improved significantly for Brad, and Angelina, but I think it is important to point out that her transformation and growth in response to his actions toward her may not be typical for a BPD relationship.  Lots of us have showered praise, adoration, gifts, phone calls/emails/texts, sacrifices, etc. onto our BPD loved ones, but instead of getting better, they actually get worse.  Just check out Cipher13's latest postings on the Undecided board for one example (many other examples available to be seen on these boards). 

It's easy to unwittingly throw your whole existence down the BPD pit, but it won't cure them.  Typically, the techniques that will be more effective for you as the non (and often for the BPD partner) are the tools from this forum, SWOE, WHINE, etc. (e.g., validation, boundaries, self-care, SET, JADE, DEARMAN, etc.). 

There are exceptions since each relationship is different, and I'm glad to hear that there has been major improvement with Stalwart's wife... . just wanted to point out that success with the adoration/gifts/love methods may not be normative. 

[shatra]

Hi---

  Yes, I had a feeling A Jolie had BPD.  It's nice that Brad did those nice things for her, but to think that that praise and flowers are all it takes is not accurate. Also, as we know, with BPD they cycle back into devaluinig and splitting no matter what the partner or the world does to them. We can behave well, badly, stand on our heads, do whatever, and eventually they split.  We can still use the tools to help ourselves though.

Shatra

[Olinda]

It was difficult but I came to the decision that I was going to stay and if I was, I was going to change this entire thing and turn over a new leaf in our relationship. How giving it my best effort worked out would determine our futures.


 

Thanks, Stalwart, I love this. I feel like I am doing this and giving it 100%.  I have done the flowers, love, adoration thing this whole relationship but that hasn't changed the fact that my lovely fiancee 'needs' more than any one person can reasonably give.

But I am committed to changing me, as that is all I can do.  I am committed to being the best possible partner I can and 'oxygen masking' so I can give the extra support she needs when dysregulated. My therapy individually continues to be extremely important to me and it is all about changing ME.

[Stalwart]

Learning here and everywhere is the first thing I did to better our relationship. Like I put in posts earlier I learned and use every tool and lesson on this site. They're invaluable in building a working relationship and I can't find a better tool for communications than SET. It certainly isn't as magical as love just being everything I wish it were that simple.

I was being more specific to a time when I had to come to a conclusion of getting over the resentment I still held even after applying all the tools, boundaries and lessons. They really didn't help me to forget the pain and insecurities and indignities of the past. That was a whole new ball game to tackle. It was being able to set aside the past that opened up the path for a better future to walk on. There were just too many dark and shadowy places that I found myself returning to constantly and it would reflect in my attitude and responses. Putting all of that aside, starting over and totally focussing on the reason I do this in the first place - the fact that I love her - was the only step in all of this that I was refering to.

It's taken a lot of learning, recognition of her moods, problems, when she's hiding feelings and working proactively to head off problems before they escalate into them. Hey it really is a lot of work to love someone with this problem but every relationship is a lot of work if you want it to work well.

[Olinda]

What is the root of the problem?

What causes the 'rage'?

You have to be willing to get to the root of the problem, and eliminate the root, if you are sick of weeds. Mowing them down is a temporary fix. Get to the root.

 

Just based on what you have written, seems that it is attention seeking.

Why seek attention in such a negative way?

Again, get to the root.  

Get to the root of the problem.

Find out what the root is and eliminate it.

So, the root of her behavior is hers to figure out and eliminate.  It is not my job to take care of her or do what she needs to do for herself. 

On another thread there is discussion of the Karpman triangle and I am a classic Rescuer.  I am working on being a Coach instead of feeling she needs to be rescued by me, putting her in a victim role.

I am working on the root of my behavior and what I have allowed and how I have looked at things.  I want to learn tools and work on communication and validation.  I have looked at SET and DEARMAN and those feel too complicated for me... . So validation and avoiding JADE is what I have been trying.

Thanks for all the suggestions, folks!

[Olinda]

For me, this took a long time and is an ongoing struggle.  Understanding some of the underlying reasons was somewhat helpful (a sense of unfairness, being deceived, uncaring of others feelings, etc etc). I had to look at myself and say - you were naive and of course someone would take advantage of you if you let them.  So a life lesson to lose some of the naivety about relationships.  And to make a note that for future major life decisions (especially involving other people) to run a different decision making process. 

And then going through an exercise of considering ending the relationship.  By going down this path it sent a message to myself and also my wife that yes, I do have a CHOICE.  Then at the 11th hour of divorce filings pulling back and choosing to stay in the relationship, and grounding myself on exactly why I choose this (that I genuinely believe my children are better off with me in their lives on a daily basis, rather than a contentious, bitter, crazy making 'coparenting' relationship).

Then getting myself emotionally healthy again, and applying all the capabilities and resources that I have to make the situation tenable.  Fact was, I was (and still am in some ways) not the person I want to be and its a constant battle to maintain this sense of self and live it.

... .

So focus on yourself and your own behavior.  The choices you have.  How you want to see yourself.  How you want to act.  The person you want to be.  Dont worry about whether she jumps on board or not.  If not, then you have choices on how to work around that.  If she doesnt like your behavior, well that is her choice and as long as you are ok with yourself and feel good about yourself then detach from her projections.  This will also help break the cycle of manipulation that often happens.

Thanks so much for this, yeeter. I really like what you are saying.  I have come to the understanding that this is a choice. Acceptance of what is mine to fix and what isn't. Acceptance of this choice I am making on a daily basis.  And knowing (and expressing to my fiancee) that these outbursts, behaviors, etc. are not acceptable to me. That I wish for a peaceful life and I am willing to make so many changes on my part, but that it may not work out for us.  That being willing to take the step of separation, if necessary, because I value who I am and our relationship too much to let it deteriorate any further. 

We are in therapy, going to our first couple's session this week with new therapist.  I am hopeful.

THanks for all the support!

[Stalwart]

Best of luck in that therapy and drop by again to let us know how you're doing Olinda. I'm hoping the best for both of you.