A moment of weakness...

[janey62]

My exbfwBPD keeps emailing me, weekly and sometimes more often, telling me he misses me and can't stop thinking about me.  He isn't seeing anyone else and has never been unfaithful, just lost and crazed, abandoning and devaluing frequently.

I left him in February and haven't seen him since, but i've been struggling and miss him too.  I've moved and got a new job but am alone in a new place with no friends or family nearby, so pretty tough but I'm dealing and work is very absorbing (in a prison working with drug and alcohol problems). 

However, yesterday in a moment of weakness I replied to one of his mails and agreed to meet him today.  Last night before I went to sleep I wrote a Decision Balance Sheet with 'for' and 'against' columns and the against was way heavier and longer than the for which was mostly that he needed me!

This morning I consulted the IChing online asking what the outcome would be if I met him and it said this:

'Noble Calling

You are in a position to help another.

This is a temporary situation, because your power is cyclical, seasonal.

Knowing this, you must perform your good deed without hope of reward.

You are not furthering your own process, but another's.

Though you may cherish this other, you will never possess.

Touch without grasping.

Take comfort in becoming a fond memory.

Nurture, then let go.'


It's a pity I didn't think it through a bit more carefully, but was feeling so sad and low and lost!

I now realise that if I do meet him it will be heartbreaking for us both all over again and that I'm going to say 'goodbye' to him, which I never had the chance to do before I left.

What a mess!   :'(

[janey62]

I'm not afraid that I won't be able to cope with the heartbreak, in some ways I think I need an ending, but I'm not naive enough to think that it will be a good ending, or final.   It's more likely to just make the ending even further away for him.

And, I don't want to hurt him or mess his head up any more than it already is.  He just seems unable to move on and clings to the hope that I will have him back.

We have broken up before for up to 3 months but then I didn't realise the problems was caused mainly by his BPD.

[janey62]

Also, there's a part of me which really wants to see him, even just for an hour, a kind of longing which I often feel and which is hard to resist.  The good times were so good but the bad has completely outweighed those now and I don't want to go back 

Will this never end and how can I stop him from writing to me?  He is still harassing his ex-wife four years after she left him, though these days it is more hateful than missing I think, at least those are the ones I hear about because she reports all abusive texts to the police now, or he tells me, or accidentally sends me texts meant for her when he's drunk!

Janey

[lemon flower]

Last night before I went to sleep I wrote a Decision Balance Sheet with 'for' and 'against' columns and the against was way heavier and longer than the for which was mostly that he needed me!

This morning I consulted the IChing online asking what the outcome would be if I met him and it said this:

'Noble Calling... . '

It's a pity I didn't think it through a bit more carefully, but was feeling so sad and low and lost!

I now realise that if I do meet him it will be heartbreaking for us both all over again and that I'm going to say 'goodbye' to him, which I never had the chance to do before I left.

What a mess!   :'(

if IChing for you is the voice of your intuition than maybe you did what had to be done in this moment, it doesn't mean that you have to keep on seeing eachother again and again.

Maybe it is not wrong to meet once to say goodbuy and then move on!

But keep your list in mind, which says "no", and repeat to him that NC is best for him and for you and that you will not reply to his e-mails anymore.

If you're really uncomfortable with your decision you can also choose not to go after all!

then he will be angry at you but in the end maybe he needs that anger to move on without you... .

[janey62]

Thank you Triss, that's really helped me to sort my thoughts out.

I wrote an email to him this morning saying I'd changed my mind and gave my reasons and pressed send, but it didn't go because I forgot to switch from icloud to aol in my mailbox.

So then I sent another saying I'd see him at 12.30, meeting in a neutral public place where he can't act out.

It will be to say goodbye and I think I need it to move on because I'm a bit stuck.  I also need to try to make it clear to him that it's over and that I want NC from now on.

Janey

[lemon flower]

Thank you Triss, that's really helped me to sort my thoughts out.

I wrote an email to him this morning saying I'd changed my mind and gave my reasons and pressed send, but it didn't go because I forgot to switch from icloud to aol in my mailbox.

So then I sent another saying I'd see him at 12.30, meeting in a neutral public place where he can't act out.

It will be to say goodbye and I think I need it to move on because I'm a bit stuck.  I also need to try to make it clear to him that it's over and that I want NC from now on.

Janey

funny that you changed your mind because of this technical default... . I do that too sometimes, it's like a sign :-)

good luck today, keep strong... .