Did your BPDgf/bf ever tell you her/ his exact birthday?

[StayPositive]

I knew my BPDgf/friend for 15 years and she refused to tell me her birthday.  I knew her age, and that her birthday in April or May, but she never told me the exact date.  Whenever I asked her she said “I told you but you forgot” (which wasn’t true).  Maybe she wanted me to feel guilty?  But even if so, why couldn’t she tell me her exact birthday again? It’s all so weird. 

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[Banshee]

My last text conversation was asking when his birthday was... he text back and said it was Sunday (Which is tomorrow) found it a bit off he didn't say the 27th but yes I guess he did tell me.

Btw No Happy Birthday from me.

Maybe she wanted you to keep asking or use it against you when you didn't acknowledge it?  Have no idea? that is a lil strange

[patientandclear]

The fear of not having birthdays and holidays acknowledged meaningfully by loved ones seems very common among pwBPD.  Definitely a huge issue for my ex.  I'd guess not disclosing the date is a self-protective strategy: if the date is not known, the partner or ex partner can't "fail" to do something to recognize it because s/he was unaware of the date.

[StayPositive]

Interestingly, she knew my birthday and even wrote it down into her “birthday calendar”.  Maybe this was just a way to show me how much “she cares”, while I couldn’t even remember her birthday (that she never told me).  But probably there is no logic behind all this…

[an0ught]

Hello StayPositive,

I knew my BPDgf/friend for 15 years and she refused to tell me her birthday.  I knew her age, and that her birthday in April or May, but she never told me the exact date.  Whenever I asked her she said “I told you but you forgot” (which wasn’t true).  Maybe she wanted me to feel guilty?  But even if so, why couldn’t she tell me her exact birthday again? It’s all so weird. 

of course it is easy to take this secrecy personal. But is it really? PwBPD have really big issues wrt. to their self image and often but not always significant childhood issues. From the DSM-IV:

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: 

Not committing to a fixed birthday is certainly fitting in here. Possibly she is afraid of her birthday and does not want to be reminded of it (trauma or simple fear of aging and death). If in doubt fear is often a good guess of what is behind odd behavior when one is validating.

It certainly is weird but I guess it is one of the easier problems to cope with 

[StayPositive]

I would have loved to know her birthdate so that I can surprise her with a nice dinner or even a long-weekend holiday somewhere.  It strange that she has this birthday calendar were she keeps track of everybody’s birthday, while she keeps others in the dark.  It’s just sad. 

[an0ught]

I would have loved to know her birthdate so that I can surprise her with a nice dinner or even a long-weekend holiday somewhere.  It strange that she has this birthday calendar were she keeps track of everybody’s birthday, while she keeps others in the dark.  It’s just sad. 

Afaik in most states in the US there is no law against having a surprise nice dinner on other days   Keep in mind however that surprises can evoke strong emotions and possibly fear reactions.

There is so much drama around fixed dates around Christmas but even more so on getting older/reflecting days like NewYear and Birthdays. And from the looks of it there seems to be a lot of pain locked up that she is not willing to confront at this time. Yes it is sad but on the other hand she manages it that way. For the time being you may be glad that you don't know. You may learn eventually.

[StayPositive]

Thanks for your comment. I agree that knowing her birthday could cause some "fear reactions"; however what I never will understand is why it couldn't cause some positive/ excitement reactions? Why does everything has to be negative? Why for a change things can't be positive? 

[an0ught]

Thanks for your comment. I agree that knowing her birthday could cause some "fear reactions"; however what I never will understand is why it couldn't cause some positive/ excitement reactions? Why does everything has to be negative? Why for a change things can't be positive? 

Well, fear is a negative thing, it is a strong emotion and often in place.

One of the things we can do to help the pwBPD out of their negative tailspin is to validate their negative emotions with sufficiently bleak feedback. It is great if you "StayPositive" but of course in communication with her you have quite often express very negative emotions to validate her mood. Are you doing that?

[StayPositive]

No, I am just the opposite. I have a lot of positive energy and he liked this to some extend; however, she always felt back into her negative moods and then I didn't hear from her for days.

I just can't do this anymore! It's unhealthy to put a negative spin on everything. I haven't heard from her for two months and try to detach myself from her. If you get into this mindset you can't find happyness... . never.  It will only accumulate more pain.

I still miss her and it hurts... .  

[maxsterling]

Interesting.  My ex girlfriend, who fit the criteria for NPD and probably BPD, forgot my birthday, and I think that was pretty much the last straw for me.  She claimed she didn't know BUT - she certainly knew my astrological sign and comment about it regularly. And my birthday falls on a common holiday, and I remember her telling other people when my birthday was.  So I know she knew at some point. 

And when it was her birthday a few weeks later, I sent her a card (even though we had broken up by that point), maybe just to rub it in.  Coincidentally, My NPD/BPD ex and my current BPDgf have the same birthday.  And both are left handed.  And both are teachers.  And both spent time teaching abroad.  And both loved horses when they were young (well, many girls do). 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

My ex let me know his birthday... . but his family hardly acknowledges him on

holidays... .

It was a very touchy subject... he even cried once about it...

I'm not sure it was an authentic cry though.

I just can't trust anything he has done/did any longer.

I have to protect my heart.

[StayPositive]

Thanks for your feedback, maxsterling/ Hurtbeyondrepair27. 

I only learned about her “birthday calendar” very late.  The first year when we were together we celebrated my birthday and she bought me some really nice presents.  We never celebrated her birthday, because she kept it secret.  It still gives me the creep when I think about all this.  It all feels like a movie – completely unreal and I wish I could wake up. 

[55suns]

I always found the birthday/holiday thing very strange.  Admittedly I like to keep birthdays low key... . it's just another day for me.  My ex however thought the world should stop for hers.  The first year we were together we had plans for lunch but I was supenead to testify and  couldn't make it. I wanted to something the following day and she just lost it. Hung it over my head for the rest of our relationship (6 years). She would also blow up on about every holiday and vacation and then wonder why I didn't enjoy going on them/ to them. It's all so wierd 

[LoveLove]

I know my bf's (no contact right now because he is in therapy) birthday... . but because of the no contact rule, I don't want to "disrespect his request" and send him a happy birthday message... .

Will he see this as me not caring or will he recognize that HE has asked me not to contact him?

[StayPositive]

Hi all,

I get goosebumps when I read some of your comments.  It’s like “normal people” from different cultures and backgrounds around the globe have been kidnapped by aliens, and converted to BPDs that use the same language and display the same behaviours.  Please “respect my request” etc sounds so familiar. 

I asked her so many times to give me her birthday date, but she never did.  It’s a few months ago since I have seen her last time, and it all starts to feel like a bad movie.

Stay Positive

[LoveLove]

StayPositive -

When did you hear the "respect my request?" In what context? (scary)

[kikimo]

Mine didn't have a problem telling the exact date, and he is okay with his birthday. However, the holiday's are another thing. He doesn't get along with his family or invited to things.

Is it possible that your SO has bad associations with birthdays? Perhaps something from childhood? Maybe someone in her past forgot and it really upset her. She is avoiding heartache?