Devaluing my looks

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Cant sleep again angry and hurt recounting some of the things he said to devalue my looks. Im biracial (half black/white) with really curly hair and caramel skin... . Hes hispanic. He would tell me regularly pale skin was a sign of beauty and his preference... . He once tole me he preferred the "cute" girl to the "beautiful" type (referring to me) when letting me know my best friend (whos cute caucasian amercian girl type) was more attractive than me. (im in tears hurting so badly right now) more "his type." When I was hurt he justified saying he didnt really mean it that he was angry at me over something and wanted to hurt me (yea right) when I was hurt over the pale comments he would say "clearly youre beautiful just not my preference"

Not only do I,have issues w beauty bc thats all I was valued for growing up which gave me a huge complex w men (and eventually hating my looks and wanting to be white in general) I grew up un the south in an all white family around very racist people.

He also doesnt like his own (speaks horribly about the looks and attitudes of most hispanic women)

He made me feel so inferior in every way. He thought he was a genius too (im a huge reader and fairly intelligent) claimed he had an iq of 160 and that I was smart otherwise he wouldnt be able to tolerate me but that I couldnt even begin to fathom his level. Im a fairly educated and intelligent person! Hes a dishwashee and lives in his moms basement!

Im also curvier... By,this I dont mean fat! As in I,have a smaller waist but I have a butt and thighs... He would constantly let me know his usual type is rail thin and white... .

Yet he would love exploring my body and told me I was beautiful too... It was very confusing and unsettling. (hes very influenced by the media on female looks loves breast implants and bleached hair I dont have a problem w that look but he doesnt prefer the more natural look/loves thw fantasy broad... . Even to the point of believing mexican women, his own ethnicity, werent attractive... . ! Hellow salma hayek stripping in dusk till dawn... Hot! Eva mendes... . Jessica alba... . I mean I know we are all allowed our type but come on! And why are you datinf a mulatto in that case?

I turned down a very attractive tall sporty type to be with him! I placed value on this person who looked at me as inferior in everyway.

Mind you he was a virgin, overweight, and had issues with hygene without my encouragment! Not exactly a woman magnet... . My caretaking issues run deep!

Believe it or not tho I still found him attractive... When he cleaned up he was very sexy... . Nice full lips baby face yet masculine... I accepted his flaws and saw the attractive ones and felt privledged to make love to him.

While on the other hand he made me feel beautiful and inadequate at the same time. Iv left the relarionship feeling more unattractive than I ever have in my life! Whats screwed up is it took him persuasion to sleep w me and I literally cried to him about my insecurities of my body before we had sex. (thos was before we got sexual when we were still friends right before I felt safe enough to allow him to make love to me... Mind you he is the third man I have been with for that reason... Im 27.) It was a HUGE deal giving him that part of me and I trusted him with my body allowed him to see im insecure about my looks (which seemed ironic to him then... He made me fedl so comfortable to sleep with him... Ill never forget it he told me he would worship my body and "to let me love it for you" told me he could care less about my flawa that im beautiful... I KNOW he finds me beautiful intrinsically he wanted me for,years... I jnow that logically yet his devaluing of my looks still runs very deep and feels very real.

Now that im getting closer to acceptance im seeing his covert cruelty even more so... .

He knew my insecurities and played on them... After I trusted him... . He,used to always say let me take,you out and "show you off" or how he posted my pics to some online closed group to brag about my looks... .

Yet I felt so far from beautiful in his eyes... .

Thoughts? Im really hurt trying to understand his motives and why he would do that to me. I have a very big heart. I loved him. How could he be so cruel... Especially about such a sensitive subject?

My last ex (female) was also borderline... She NEVER devalued my looks! Never stooped that low she loved my looks and I never doubted it. She decalued other things but thats another story. Wondering if he has socio traits on top of being borderline... I mean talk about hitting below the belt! Heartless dude.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

So depressed  thinking about the time I met him... . Biology class... . Instantly attracted... i wanted to know him (my psyche really loves bps... My father is one)

He had a really great side to him. I loved that person he is when his damaging triggers arent popping up. I still f- miss this guy... I actually love him

If he would have comitted (i was downgraded to fwb when I was hurt by his suggestion of a 3sum) I would have stayed of course If he agreed to help too... .

Not gonna happen. I dont want tp love him anymore. I want this pain to end. 16 days... . Hopefully I get to a point where I dont have to count anymore... . Another crying spell... . Great... . and no sleep again... Awesome.

Not a word from him. He doesnt love me.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Hurtbeyondrepair27,

I'm very sorry that you are hurting so much right now.  Your feelings are really understandable.  Those mixed messages would have hurt me, too, and sent me into doubt about my attractiveness.

I think it's important right now to grieve the loss of this relationship, and if you can, start focusing on yourself more than him.  I know how hard that is, but even a little will help you get through this.  Let yourself feel the feelings – missing him, wanting things to be like they were, etc.

Do you have a therapist or supportive friends you can talk to?

Most of all, be gentle and kind to your beautiful self.  We're here for you. 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Thanks for responding... . I do have a therapist she is new my other one left the facility. Iv been in therapy 2 yrs so walking away from him was the result of hard work in therapy and totally against what I actually wanted to do (stay) so this has been very rough. I havent mentioned him to her. I am focusing on some avoidant issues in my life that I feel have more importance... (even tho im hurting over this I want to better function in life... Very important to me) we havent gotten to my relationships yet... . Plus im embarrassed... . And I know alot of abusers go into therapy playing victim when they were actually agressors... . and im worried she wont believe me. Like my ex BPD literally projected everything he was onto me and believed it. What I went through hurt so much I couldnt bear seeing skepticism and disbelief in her eyes. I have a problem dealing w past abuse in relationships for that very reason. Im sure its some type of transference holding me back.

I guess im just trying to process the deception and feel it.

I am a very forgiving/loving type and I tend to focus on the good in any person...

Im highly empathetic... But I am just now recognizing some behaviors I was in denial about and not recognizing the damge they caused until too late.

I am glad im getting here bc,i,need to look at that and see how he actually treated me... Which is opposite of the fantasy I bought into... Im almost to acceptance.

One moment im accepting the next im depressed and hurt again... . I think him telling me he didnt know how to love snapped me into reality and sped the process up... But I was in denial when I was his fwb and bargained our last convo... So im here... Waiting for it to end. Like a toxin after a bad night of drinking.