I'm still trying to learn how to have a normal attitude about sex

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I have sexual PTSD that developed after I was with a psychopath. I am seeing a good therapist but I'm still trying to learn how to have a normal attitude about sex. I'm really leery of getting involved with anyone. I kind of just accept this is how I am and feel if I meet the right guy one day that's great, and if not, no big deal. I'm in a PTSD group on Facebook but I honestly don't know how much it helps other than to see you're not alone.

My therapist said something about retraining the amigdyla, the fight or flight response. Guess I'm still learning how to do that and it takes time.

[TitaniumPhoebe]

I have sexual PTSD that developed after I was with a psychopath. I am seeing a good therapist but I'm still trying to learn how to have a normal attitude about sex. I'm really leery of getting involved with anyone. I kind of just accept this is how I am and feel if I meet the right guy one day that's great, and if not, no big deal. I'm in a PTSD group on Facebook but I honestly don't know how much it helps other than to see you're not alone.

My therapist said something about retraining the amigdyla, the fight or flight response. Guess I'm still learning how to do that and it takes time.

[HappyNihilist]

This is completely natural.

My exBPDbf had a lot of NPD and antisocial traits. And my sexuality was very tied up in him. I definitely have some fear and damage resulting from that. I am not suffering from PTSD myself, so I can only imagine that how difficult and painful this is for you. I'm so sorry. 

Listening to your gut feelings about getting involved with anyone, and not putting pressure on yourself to just "snap out of it" are both extremely positive steps in recovery.

I'm still trying to learn how to have a normal attitude about sex.

Could you maybe expand on this a little more? What is your attitude right now? What do you think "normal" might look like?

[Sunny Side]

I feel for you, TP.  Like HappyN I don't have first hand knowledge or experience of sexual PTSD.  Sexuality is a such a personal thing and, I believe, tied directly into our boundaries.  I found having an honest, open dialogue first with myself -- what do I treasure about sex, intimacy, what do I want to share and what do I not want? (These things can change and grow of course   ) -- then with your partner can remove some of the terror from exploring sexuality with someone new.  There's no need to be shy about sharing something we feel is important to us, right?  So go for it with the most honesty you can muster.

And most importantly take... . your... . time.  Your sexuality is your own and is not on some pop culture ticking clock.  Take your time, explore yourself, unearth some traumas if you have any and then decide if the person you want to get jiggy with is a safe person with whom you can walk through that door.

[TitaniumPhoebe]

This is completely natural.

My exBPDbf had a lot of NPD and antisocial traits. And my sexuality was very tied up in him. I definitely have some fear and damage resulting from that. I am not suffering from PTSD myself, so I can only imagine that how difficult and painful this is for you. I'm so sorry. 

Listening to your gut feelings about getting involved with anyone, and not putting pressure on yourself to just "snap out of it" are both extremely positive steps in recovery.

I'm still trying to learn how to have a normal attitude about sex.

Could you maybe expand on this a little more? What is your attitude right now? What do you think "normal" might look like?

by normal I guess  I mean wanting a sex life and treating it in a healthy way. Right now my biggest fear about getting involved with someone is being required to have sex.  I hate the pressure and don't want to feel obligated.

[TitaniumPhoebe]

I feel for you, TP.  Like HappyN I don't have first hand knowledge or experience of sexual PTSD.  Sexuality is a such a personal thing and, I believe, tied directly into our boundaries.  I found having an honest, open dialogue first with myself -- what do I treasure about sex, intimacy, what do I want to share and what do I not want? (These things can change and grow of course   ) -- then with your partner can remove some of the terror from exploring sexuality with someone new.  There's no need to be shy about sharing something we feel is important to us, right?  So go for it with the most honesty you can muster.

And most importantly take... . your... . time.  Your sexuality is your own and is not on some pop culture ticking clock.  Take your time, explore yourself, unearth some traumas if you have any and then decide if the person you want to get jiggy with is a safe person with whom you can walk through that door.

I think this is why my marriage made it 10X worse.  My uBPDxh I thought was someone who really loved me as a person.  We were friends and he was there for me when I went through my trauma. He KNEW what I went through, that I totally lost my sex drive and was severely traumatized by the psychopath I was with. but once I had sex with him it was like he wanted it a lot and smothered me and it just shut me down again. Then he would always get mad that I didnt' want sex, but yet accuse me of cheating or wanting other people. It was awful and just made me despise sex.  So here is someone who I thought wanted me for me and it turned out he would just throw tantrums when he didn't get what it seems everyone else wanted: sex. 

the guy I started seeing (and have since stopped seeing) since my divorce I had a very good sexual chemistry with, but I think I should have waited longer.  Once we became sexual there just was too much empahasis put on sexuality and it frightened me.  I also think he might be BPD and maybe some narcissist because he was so into pictures of me and having me dress sexy, etc., and it just objectified me and made me feel disgusting after a while.  I'm in therapy trying to figure out how to have a healthy sexual relationship. I just don't know how and it feels safer to simply avoid it.

[Sunny Side]

Thanks for sharing that, TP.  That is very damaging behavior and sounds like people with too casual a regard for your needs.  It's good you're in T and are trying to root out the trauma.  With some time, exploration and healing hopefully you'll be able to plant that seed that grows toward regaining your sexuality in ways that feel comfortable for you.  Try caution as you heal and maybe a silent agreement to yourself -- even if you can't yet visualize it -- that you will fiercely examine and express your needs and won't permanently shut that door. 

I don't want to trivialize your pain but sex can be FANTASTIC  once you figure out what you want from it.

[clljhns]

Hi TitaniumPheobe,

I can understand your need for healthy boundaries around sex. Being intimate with a person in this manner, puts us in a most vulnerable position. I was molested by my father, and so I had no boundaries around sex. I thought that whatever my husband demanded from me sexually, I must do. I did have some boundaries, such as when one husband wanted to bring other people into the relationship. I was definitely not comfortable with that and said so. I still didn't know how to say no the majority of his demands. Once I had strep throat and was running a very high fever, sick in bed for days. He demanded sex, even though he knew how sick I was, and I relented.

I don't know your age, but I have to a place in my life where sex is not a focus. Rather I want to be emotionally healthy and attract an emotionally healthy man who I can have a true friendship with, which in time would include a sexual relationship. I finally came to the conclusion that sex didn't fulfill a part of me that I really was seeking. I was seeking trust, companionship, respect, and a man who would cheer me on.

I hope this doesn't come across as unkind or insensitive to your needs. I truly do understand the fear of being intimate. I am there myself right now. But I am open to changing that in the future once I have healed some of these old wounds. I am so glad that you are seeing a therapist to help you work through this difficult time.

I wish you much healing and peace! 

[hergestridge]

I understand your dilemma TitaniumPhoebe.

The problem is that the rejection hurts, so any partner that initiates sex (and most partners will do so on a regular basis) will feel hurt when you're not in the mood. So the reaction is just normal, and my guess is that it will leave you feeling "required" to have sex.

The alternative is a relationship where you are the one who initiates sex, which is not impossible at all given that you and your partner can agree on the frequency.

The trouble is that many women feel that it's a turn-off to have to be the one to take initiative, so many women in your position get stuck in a sort of "catch 22" where initiative is the only thing that turns them on but where they also have trouble with being "forced" to do things. It's like camels through a needles eye.