Struggling from phone call

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hey Guys,

I'm just going to write here about what I'm struggling with from the phone calls so I can be honest with myself.

1) Jealousy. I'm really struggling with jealousy here. I'm jealous of her work. And I'm jealous of her life. Why? She makes it seem like she is doing so many amazing things and just has a great life full of tons of friends and great work and interesting experiences. In the back of my mind, I think she presents it in a way that makes it seem way better than it is and the way she presented it was kind of in a way that she is still trying to say I was wrong for leaving. She said: "I know you didn't like the people here (which wasn't true) but I found so many amazing people and interesting people". She would list off all these amazing things she has done which she knew I would have wanted to experience. If I would start to talk about something cool I did, she would cut me off and tell me something she did.

2) New Boyfriend. This one is really something I'm struggling with and obviously has to do with me, not her. The first call she was basically telling me how great I was and how she will never find anyone who understands her like I do, who will listen to her like I do, how makes her laugh like I do. And then she tells me there is no way she would get back together with me because she is 'with someone'. I don't even know where to begin with why this bothers me. I have been ignoring her phone calls and emails for a year. I guess there are a couple of things going on with me. A) I magically think it was all my fault for the relationship not working out. I have read on many boards and articles that this is pretty common because the ex would always imply that they are unhappy because of something we did and imply that if we weren't around, they would just be so great. I think this is the biggest one for me. I believed that hook line and sinker; B) I obviously have some self-esteem issues here; C) I haven't found someone that I'm as attracted to as my ex. This has been a really hard one for me. I'm seeing someone as well. And she's great. Super kind and sweet. The polar opposite to my ex in terms of temperament. She is kind. Thoughtful. Able to talk through stuff. Able to listen. Not a blamer or a projector. Not abusive in any form. I just don't want to ___ her all the time like I did with my ex.

3) Continued Boundary Crossing: This is a big, big one for me. I was doing better until I got her email in response to my telling her to stop contacting me. This has me really terrified. I feel like there is something wrong with me because she makes it sound like she is doing it out of love for me. I know that isn't true. For us to be friends, she would have to acknowledge her end of our relationship and not just blame me for her behavior. She is not capable of that. Clearly. And I can't just wipe away history like it never happened. She claims that she can... . but I know she can't. Who can do that? It is just going to fester in the background and come out in weird, warped, and abusive ways. I think the continued boundary crossing and my letting it happen has really left a wound on me where I am disoriented and confused.

4) Reliving the abuse: This is tripping me up as well. I'm reliving the abuse all day long. This might not be a bad thing and I'm fighting back in my head. I think this is pretty common and probably a healthy way to re-organize history in my mind. I guess this just sucks but is probably a good thing to be doing.

5) Believing her words: Why do I do this? Why do I start to believe the words she told me. Why would I believe that I have 'mental health issues' like she claims, that I 'will never find anyone as good as her', that I am just experiencing 'regrets'. It is like she has this power over me to implant thoughts into my head that might be kind of there in some sense but she is able to amplify them so they take over. I guess this is the abusive dynamic in play again.

Clearly, I need to stay away from this person. She is dangerous to me. Just wanted to get these things out. It has been 2 years and I'm beating myself up for being in this position again and shocked that I have to deal with this again. This just sucks.

[willy45]

Hey Guys,

I'm just going to write here about what I'm struggling with from the phone calls so I can be honest with myself.

1) Jealousy. I'm really struggling with jealousy here. I'm jealous of her work. And I'm jealous of her life. Why? She makes it seem like she is doing so many amazing things and just has a great life full of tons of friends and great work and interesting experiences. In the back of my mind, I think she presents it in a way that makes it seem way better than it is and the way she presented it was kind of in a way that she is still trying to say I was wrong for leaving. She said: "I know you didn't like the people here (which wasn't true) but I found so many amazing people and interesting people". She would list off all these amazing things she has done which she knew I would have wanted to experience. If I would start to talk about something cool I did, she would cut me off and tell me something she did.

2) New Boyfriend. This one is really something I'm struggling with and obviously has to do with me, not her. The first call she was basically telling me how great I was and how she will never find anyone who understands her like I do, who will listen to her like I do, how makes her laugh like I do. And then she tells me there is no way she would get back together with me because she is 'with someone'. I don't even know where to begin with why this bothers me. I have been ignoring her phone calls and emails for a year. I guess there are a couple of things going on with me. A) I magically think it was all my fault for the relationship not working out. I have read on many boards and articles that this is pretty common because the ex would always imply that they are unhappy because of something we did and imply that if we weren't around, they would just be so great. I think this is the biggest one for me. I believed that hook line and sinker; B) I obviously have some self-esteem issues here; C) I haven't found someone that I'm as attracted to as my ex. This has been a really hard one for me. I'm seeing someone as well. And she's great. Super kind and sweet. The polar opposite to my ex in terms of temperament. She is kind. Thoughtful. Able to talk through stuff. Able to listen. Not a blamer or a projector. Not abusive in any form. I just don't want to ___ her all the time like I did with my ex.

3) Continued Boundary Crossing: This is a big, big one for me. I was doing better until I got her email in response to my telling her to stop contacting me. This has me really terrified. I feel like there is something wrong with me because she makes it sound like she is doing it out of love for me. I know that isn't true. For us to be friends, she would have to acknowledge her end of our relationship and not just blame me for her behavior. She is not capable of that. Clearly. And I can't just wipe away history like it never happened. She claims that she can... . but I know she can't. Who can do that? It is just going to fester in the background and come out in weird, warped, and abusive ways. I think the continued boundary crossing and my letting it happen has really left a wound on me where I am disoriented and confused.

4) Reliving the abuse: This is tripping me up as well. I'm reliving the abuse all day long. This might not be a bad thing and I'm fighting back in my head. I think this is pretty common and probably a healthy way to re-organize history in my mind. I guess this just sucks but is probably a good thing to be doing.

5) Believing her words: Why do I do this? Why do I start to believe the words she told me. Why would I believe that I have 'mental health issues' like she claims, that I 'will never find anyone as good as her', that I am just experiencing 'regrets'. It is like she has this power over me to implant thoughts into my head that might be kind of there in some sense but she is able to amplify them so they take over. I guess this is the abusive dynamic in play again.

Clearly, I need to stay away from this person. She is dangerous to me. Just wanted to get these things out. It has been 2 years and I'm beating myself up for being in this position again and shocked that I have to deal with this again. This just sucks.

[Trent]

In a recent post, a wise man said:

Block her.

[willy45]

Ha ha. Wise words indeed.

[AwakenedOne]

4) Reliving the abuse: This is tripping me up as well. I'm reliving the abuse all day long. This might not be a bad thing and I'm fighting back in my head. I think this is pretty common and probably a healthy way to re-organize history in my mind. I guess this just sucks but is probably a good thing to be doing.

Hi Willy,

Reliving the abuse all day long I don't think is good. Maybe some others here could comment on whether to do that or not. What works for one of us doesn't always work for another though.

Hard to get rid of all the grief and memories and worries out of ones mind. I understand. I don't really know what to say to help you at the moment. Instead of that I will just say I know you are going to overcome this and will be ultimately happy one day. I sense from your postings that you have a great determination to heal and succeed in life and be happy and also that you have a kind heart. I am pulling for you.



AO

[coolioqq]

C) I haven't found someone that I'm as attracted to as my ex. This has been a really hard one for me. I'm seeing someone as well. And she's great. Super kind and sweet. The polar opposite to my ex in terms of temperament. She is kind. Thoughtful. Able to talk through stuff. Able to listen. Not a blamer or a projector. Not abusive in any form. I just don't want to ___ her all the time like I did with my ex.

Love > sex. You need to work on splitting the two concepts in your mind. Sex is an important part of love life. But love is much more than that. Try to reflect on who and when instilled that into you. Where does it come from? Is it in any way related to your self-esteem (you mentioned that is an area that needs work.)

You are probably comparing the woman you are currently dating with your ex. Think of how unfair that seems to you when you are the object of comparison and go from there.

Are you giving yourself an honest chance in detachment?

[willy45]

Yeah. I totally agree. Yes. I think it does have to do with low self-esteem. What I'm trying to figure out is if my lack of attraction to my current girlfriend is a result of comparing her to my ex or a result of just not being attracted... . Objectively, they are both beautiful. And my current gf certainly doesn't have all the crazy... . which is great. And yes, it is absolutely not fair to be comparing her at all. I don't think I'm doing it consciously. I just am having a hard time trying to figure out what the problem is... . Is it residual effects of my ex? Or, am I just not attracted... . which there isn't much I can do about.

[Waifed]

Willy

I agree that one of the most difficult parts about BPD is that 99% of the people they interact with will never know about the difficulty they have with close relationships. It all seems so normal to them otherwise and maybe it is. We know a side of them that they never will. The side that we trigger is toxic to them and to us. The fact of the matter is she treated you horribly. Actions speak louder than words.  She is doing the same to the person she is with now.  Who was she calling when you were with her?  What kind of secret life was she living?  You deserve better than that.

If blocking her I helps then do it. If listening to her craziness and mind games makes you realize she is no good for you don't block her. Whatever you do don't get sucked back in. You have made progress over the past year and this is just a bump in the road. It's just what she wants out of this contact, to keep you on a string for the future. Sadly, I think they are always thinking about the future when it comes to partners. You know all of this logically I know. Thinking from the heart is what got us into this mess to begin with 

[Waifed]

Yeah. I totally agree. Yes. I think it does have to do with low self-esteem. What I'm trying to figure out is if my lack of attraction to my current girlfriend is a result of comparing her to my ex or a result of just not being attracted... . Objectively, they are both beautiful. And my current gf certainly doesn't have all the crazy... . which is great. And yes, it is absolutely not fair to be comparing her at all. I don't think I'm doing it consciously. I just am having a hard time trying to figure out what the problem is... . Is it residual effects of my ex? Or, am I just not attracted... . which there isn't much I can do about.

Do you think you were addicted to the drama of your BPD relationship?  Lack of drama can be boring to a codependent type personality. Of course wanting something that really isn't or never will be or never can work is pretty damn hard to get over too!

[willy45]

H*ll's yes! Thank you so much. Exactly what I needed to hear. It's true. My heart says one thing and my mind says another. I need to listen to my mind. Of course she was doing this kind of thing when i was with her. She would even tell me without really telling me... . She would just blurt things out randomly and I would say... . what?

1) She had an old, old ex who wanted to have an affair with her (he was married). My ex still stayed friends with him which I thought was super weird. Why would you be friends with someone who wanted to have an affair with you (and this was apparently a month before this guy was supposed to get married. When I brought it up, she just got mad at me for being jealous.

2) Once, she was all messed up because an ex told her to 'eat ___'. I asked her what brought it to that point and she just kind of didn't answer... . something weird about her talking to him and then him posting something on Facebook that she didn't like. I don't know... . Definitely something more there than I bothered to inquire about.

3) She told me that one of her work colleagues apologized for 'drunk dialing her'. Why the h*ll was he drunk dialing her? Sure, there are crazy people out there but nobody just randomly drunk dials someone... . I don't care how drunk you are. And this is someone she spent time with.

AGGGG... . Yes. The rational mind is important to listen to. And yes. She is doing the exact same thing to her current r/s. And yes, I deserve way, way better. And no, it isn't my fault and there is nothing I could ever do it about it so should stop blaming myself for it.

As a friend recently told me, this person is an emotional bully.

[myself]

Is it that being stuck/in pain is so familiar, it's difficult to change it?

That you're hanging on because being abused is what you're used to?

Maybe if your new gf treated you worse, you'd be more attracted to her?

[BacknthSaddle]

C) I haven't found someone that I'm as attracted to as my ex. This has been a really hard one for me. I'm seeing someone as well. And she's great. Super kind and sweet. The polar opposite to my ex in terms of temperament. She is kind. Thoughtful. Able to talk through stuff. Able to listen. Not a blamer or a projector. Not abusive in any form. I just don't want to ___ her all the time like I did with my ex.

Love > sex. You need to work on splitting the two concepts in your mind. Sex is an important part of love life. But love is much more than that. Try to reflect on who and when instilled that into you. Where does it come from? Is it in any way related to your self-esteem (you mentioned that is an area that needs work.)

Are you giving yourself an honest chance in detachment?

I am experiencing this same thing, and I started a thread regarding this problem last week.  I don't feel like my attitude about sex was like this before I met my ex, and I'm trying to decide if something about the relationship changed my attitude or whether this is how I was all along.  Before I definitely thought of sex as an enjoyable, important part of an intimate relationship.  The relationship needed sex but was much larger than sex.  With my ex, her sexuality was by far the thing that attracted me most (I didn't realize this at the time), and now I get concerned that I won't want to "___ [someone] all the time" like I used to with her.

But is this really something to worry about?  Is the attitude that healthy people have toward sex?  I can't imagine that it is. I feel like now I'm looking at sex that is something that fuels and maintains the love bond, rather than the reverse, love prompting a desire for sex.  Before this relationship, I cannot imagine sex having been so important that I would let someone treat me so poorly, that I would have sacrificed my dignity, etc.

In my case I know my new fears are related to my self-esteem, but I really think that my r/s with my ex "instilled that into [me]," or at least brought it to the surface in a way it wasn't before. 

In any case, I think I have to separate the two, have to stop believing that wanting to ___ someone all the time is as important as I seem to feel like it is right now. 

[blissful_camper]

1) Jealousy. I'm really struggling with jealousy here. I'm jealous of her work. And I'm jealous of her life. Why? She makes it seem like she is doing so many amazing things and just has a great life full of tons of friends and great work and interesting experiences. In the back of my mind, I think she presents it in a way that makes it seem way better than it is and the way she presented it was kind of in a way that she is still trying to say I was wrong for leaving. She said: "I know you didn't like the people here (which wasn't true) but I found so many amazing people and interesting people". She would list off all these amazing things she has done which she knew I would have wanted to experience. If I would start to talk about something cool I did, she would cut me off and tell me something she did.

Do you think there's a possibility that your ex is jealous of you/your life and, unable to cope with her own feelings, shared things to make you feel jealous?  It's just a thought.  She sounds competitive, because she wasn't willing to listen to the cool things you did. 

2) New Boyfriend. This one is really something I'm struggling with and obviously has to do with me, not her. The first call she was basically telling me how great I was and how she will never find anyone who understands her like I do, who will listen to her like I do, how makes her laugh like I do. And then she tells me there is no way she would get back together with me because she is 'with someone'. I don't even know where to begin with why this bothers me. I have been ignoring her phone calls and emails for a year. I guess there are a couple of things going on with me. A) I magically think it was all my fault for the relationship not working out. I have read on many boards and articles that this is pretty common because the ex would always imply that they are unhappy because of something we did and imply that if we weren't around, they would just be so great. I think this is the biggest one for me. I believed that hook line and sinker; B) I obviously have some self-esteem issues here; C) I haven't found someone that I'm as attracted to as my ex. This has been a really hard one for me. I'm seeing someone as well. And she's great. Super kind and sweet. The polar opposite to my ex in terms of temperament. She is kind. Thoughtful. Able to talk through stuff. Able to listen. Not a blamer or a projector. Not abusive in any form. I just don't want to ___ her all the time like I did with my ex.

What attracts you to someone?  What qualities and characteristics are you wanting in a partner?  Does your ex possess those qualities and characteristics that are important to you?

3) Continued Boundary Crossing: This is a big, big one for me. I was doing better until I got her email in response to my telling her to stop contacting me. This has me really terrified. I feel like there is something wrong with me because she makes it sound like she is doing it out of love for me. I know that isn't true. For us to be friends, she would have to acknowledge her end of our relationship and not just blame me for her behavior. She is not capable of that. Clearly. And I can't just wipe away history like it never happened. She claims that she can... . but I know she can't. Who can do that? It is just going to fester in the background and come out in weird, warped, and abusive ways. I think the continued boundary crossing and my letting it happen has really left a wound on me where I am disoriented and confused.

Do what you feel you need to do so that your boundaries aren't crossed.   

4) Reliving the abuse: This is tripping me up as well. I'm reliving the abuse all day long. This might not be a bad thing and I'm fighting back in my head. I think this is pretty common and probably a healthy way to re-organize history in my mind. I guess this just sucks but is probably a good thing to be doing.

I relived the abuse right after the r/s when I was in a state of shock.  I relived the abuse again when I was in doubt about who he really was.  I intentionally reminded myself of the abuse so I would accept the truth. But I placed time limits on it.  Only you know if it's healthy for you to relive the abuse all day long. 

5) Believing her words: Why do I do this? Why do I start to believe the words she told me. Why would I believe that I have 'mental health issues' like she claims, that I 'will never find anyone as good as her', that I am just experiencing 'regrets'. It is like she has this power over me to implant thoughts into my head that might be kind of there in some sense but she is able to amplify them so they take over. I guess this is the abusive dynamic in play again.

Yes, I agree that's the abusive dynamic.   

Clearly, I need to stay away from this person. She is dangerous to me. Just wanted to get these things out. It has been 2 years and I'm beating myself up for being in this position again and shocked that I have to deal with this again. This just sucks.

Focus on you, nurture you... .

[Waifed]

H*ll's yes! Thank you so much. Exactly what I needed to hear. It's true. My heart says one thing and my mind says another. I need to listen to my mind. Of course she was doing this kind of thing when i was with her. She would even tell me without really telling me... . She would just blurt things out randomly and I would say... . what?

1) She had an old, old ex who wanted to have an affair with her (he was married). My ex still stayed friends with him which I thought was super weird. Why would you be friends with someone who wanted to have an affair with you (and this was apparently a month before this guy was supposed to get married. When I brought it up, she just got mad at me for being jealous.

2) Once, she was all messed up because an ex told her to 'eat ___'. I asked her what brought it to that point and she just kind of didn't answer... . something weird about her talking to him and then him posting something on Facebook that she didn't like. I don't know... . Definitely something more there than I bothered to inquire about.

3) She told me that one of her work colleagues apologized for 'drunk dialing her'. Why the h*ll was he drunk dialing her? Sure, there are crazy people out there but nobody just randomly drunk dials someone... . I don't care how drunk you are. And this is someone she spent time with.

AGGGG... . Yes. The rational mind is important to listen to. And yes. She is doing the exact same thing to her current r/s. And yes, I deserve way, way better. And no, it isn't my fault and there is nothing I could ever do it about it so should stop blaming myself for it.

As a friend recently told me, this person is an emotional bully.

Some of the crazy stuff she said that was "random" was subtle manipulation and emotional abuse to break you down.  She said that stuff with intent. I dealt with the same thing but was so in the FOG I allowed it instead of telling her to f@ck off.